My Lady of the Lantern

I scoured online for, and ordered two dresses for Figlia's sixth birthday. It still feels like a huge moment to think that we are on the verge of her turning six! She threw a tantrum today morning, just as a reminder to the fact that she is not that grown up. Who would think that one crayon not working in a box of 12 could bring such intense dissatisfaction from life!  Sometimes, I want to be able to bring the point to her head that she is not that deprived in life, as are so many children around the world. And that if a missing crayon is your bane, then you have skipped the massive daily struggle that most kids today have. Still not able to get it registered on her mind though.  M was epic. He showed off his protective streak, and today morning scolded his father for scolding Figlia. It was amusing to watch, because mostly M makes it a point to annoy Figlia no end. But oh, boy, no one else must.  M has a broken nail on his right hallux. I have been watching ...

M turned 3 years old quietly on the weekend that has just gone by. We were thinking of having a small party of 10 kids or so, but right before I began inviting, FIL landed back in the hospital. FIL was back home on Saturday evening, but it meant that there was no energy or mood left for hosting a kiddie party. I might think of doing it this weekend, but it is highly unlikely.  M has the first cough of this season. I really dread the winters here, because a) I don't like feeling cold all the time, b) Kids fall sick frequently. Figlia is much better, because she is bit grown up now, and doesn't fuss much over taking medicines. M still needs one person to pin him down and the other to give the medicine.  I am expecting my periods this week. Nothing noteworthy about it, but over the last few cycles, I have realized that a couple of days before they arrive, I have a case of the blues and my sugar craving spikes. I had the same bout on Saturday.  My house feels ful...

So much to write, but it all seems small for words.  M is about ten days away from being three.  I was reminiscing about Figlia and what she did when she was not quite three, and I find that there are strong differences really. M shows no interest in choosing his clothes, and attempting to wear them. Figlia was so strong on both of those. I never was worried about feeding Figlia. M is extremely moody about food. M has pretty much potty trained without any encouragement from me. His only hiccup is the big business, but that too he announces, and asks for a diaper to be put on for him.  M burnt his thumb and a finger in a firecracker related incident. FIL makes choking, grunting noises almost whole day. He has still not regained consciousness. Sometimes, he does seem more present, opening his eyes, and blinking them.  I have some work-related stress going on. But I am grateful for the neat kitty my pay has built up for me. That saving, however litt...

Potential. I have heard that word a lot. I was told I had potential, as a child. "You have so much potential, you can do so much". Essentially it feels like I burnt my big P just pushing through my life.

Like I mentioned in my last post, FIL/MIL shifted here. Initially FIL was admitted in a local nursing home, and only last week he has come home. There is no "treatment" as such. He needs good nursing, physiotherapy and timely medication to go on. There is a neat set of apparatus around his bed, and his oxygen saturation is monitored constantly. He is still unconscious and unresponsive, and makes grunting noises every once in a while.  My MIL is here, and to be frank, I was dreading it a bit. So far, she is only lamenting the complete absence of my housekeeping skills in a hushed voice to Gracy.  Last week, I took a trip I had almost cancelled to see my parents, and the family of my brother who were visiting at this time of the year (they mostly come at Christmas time, but they came early this year). My parents were sick, and my SIL too fell sick. Figlia had accompanied me. She is having a tiny run of small things happening together - a viral infection, an eye infecti...

Caring for senile old men was never my forte. Beginning tomorrow, I will be hosting one. My FIL suffered a stroke in August. He has been in hospital since then, with a tracheostomy and a feeding tube in his stomach.  He is barely conscious, bed ridden, exhibiting no responses other than him opening his eyes at random moments. He has also developed a bed sore, pneumonia, and other things. While his initial hospitalization was covered by insurance, the latter stay was not. We still do not know if he will recover. So yes, things have changed at home. We cleared out a bedroom for him and his apparatus to be set up. My MIL would now be living with us.  I am still struggling with the idea of that disruption, and new order, and keeping the children away from bugs they should otherwise not be catching at home. I have to keep up with balancing the hope of staying firm yet polite, squeezing in some space for myself and not freaking out at every thing (like I do, as my f...

I am better now. I still sound hoarse, completely aided by taking back to back classes on most weekdays (   :-)  ).  I consciously uncoupled from the the groups that riled me on Facebook. I haven't run out of fuel, but the discussions are just causing me anguish, and no one is willing to see the other's point of view at all. The thought leaders are also not helping their followers at all.  Also, those who cry at inhumanity turn a complete blind eye, when the victim is of not their faith. Then, I found a freedom-singer who was sharing videos of a person, whose impassioned speech was recorded continents away. When I told this screaming guy that while he is here in the eye of the storm, the person who he believes to be of his cause is enjoying his life in the western world, leaving him behind to be in the line of fire, apparently, I am just trying to confuse him!!!  People only choose to see what they want to see, and have no problems turning away fro...

I am in the grip of viral - nasal congestion, a dull headache, body ache and low grade fever.  I also started my periods yesterday, and traditionally my CD2 has always been the heaviest day. TMI Ahead I am yet to reach a meh about getting my periods every month. I can't wait to be done. I have changed one pad and four tampons between 6 a.m. to now (6 hours), and expect to be taking this beat till evening. Not the most productive thing to do. TMI Finished I got into a verbal sputter with someone on FB today morning. The post by Z was sarcasm on the liberals about the taking in of Roh.in.gyas. We are not the main country where Rohingya are coming, but our borders have been porous for the main country sheltering them.  Here is the gem: (I am the trippy red icon in the discussion) After a point of time, I hung my mental boots and exited the discussion. The other party must be labelling it a win, but I am just exhausted.   I will neve...

Warp Speed On! Seriously, the days are just chugging at super speed (which is not always a bad thing, I suppose). Between today and the last time I posted, DH returned after having FIL shifted to a nursing home, I made a quick academic trip to a nearby town (and I had assumed it would give me some breather, but it did not), and M ran a bout of Viral fever in DH's absence.  DH came back, and has been unwell since then. It started with a viral, and now it's a cold and body ache. M developed a fever again (yesterday), about a week after he had just gotten better. Making M eat is a chore. It is not cute. It is an exercise in patience and perseverance, and remembering that his crying is unnecessary.  Don't get me wrong. I am not one of those parents bent on constantly feeding kids against their volition. I just try to make him eat a bare minimum, sometimes moderated by the fact that unless I count water as food, he has not had anything in about 5-6 hours.  Whe...

...He sends updates on FIL's condition about twice a day. Those remind me so much of the medical bulletins I received recovering in the hospital after birthing CheekyBub. Except that those were fake. These are real. Adulting is not a joy anymore. Rather than building things, currently I feel like I am just trying to keep the ship from sinking. 

On Aug.ust 22, FIL slipped and fell in the bathroom. Since then, he has been unconscious and in the ICU. There is/was a haemorrhage in the right side of the brain. He is improving but very slowly. Chances that he will regain consciousness are high, but the future quality of life is questionable.  DH has rushed to the hometown to be with him. I am here with the kids. Though my inconvenience of being alone with two kids is tiny as compared to what he and my MIL must be undergoing right now, but I think the major pressure will commence when he eventually comes home and will need help 24x7 for every single thing.  That reminded me of my own death wish - quick, painless and in my own bed, hopefully. Having seen two grandparents  who were bed-ridden before their deaths while growing up has absolutely put me in deep desire of not wanting to ever become someone who needs another human to place a bedpan under my bum. Temperamentally, my FIL is not and has never been t...

M has been ruling our whineland lately. Figlia has just about fallen out of it. Or atleast she can be quickly distracted with food/play/juice/different-topic. Of course, she is 5 1/2 and M is 2 1/2, so that age band is way different too. M is a master at ignoring our questions, or supplications and can continue to harp on whatever is his demand - this leads to frequent tantrums.  Yesterday night, he threw a fit over something, and then today morning again, he was in the mood for a spoil.  By the time, we left home, Mr. Crankasaurus had already cried three times, and one of the reasons was that he was not ready to be fully clothed for school. His tantrum reminded me of the time when constant whine abounded with Figlia. That time when I handled Figlia, I was alone. I did not have DH around, and Figlia gave me a hard time almost the entire year that she did Nursery.  Today M was majorly handled by DH. I was there, but did not intervene. I was only the hu...

I shouldn't be blogging, but I am just so good at spending time in things I shouldn't be doing that I could not resist coming here. I finally swallowed a combi-kit antibiotic to tackle my problem.  I have been very fatigued and sleepy these last couple of days. My AF came earlier than the schedule, and my limbs were aching, and my head was throbbing on CD1. That's not how it is usually, so it was quite a noticeable thing. I have started a casual job search, and hopefully something will come out of it. I use the adjective casual, because I am keeping it low-key intentionally. 

I am again in the throes of mixed feelings about almost everything around me. My parents were here for a few days, and have just gone back yesterday. The house suddenly felt empty yesterday.  I am reaching a stage of meh at my office. A subordinate who happenchance is the Director's daughter, has been introducing herself socially in a designation that is higher than me. It's a promotion no one came to know about. She also happens to be from my department, and so it kind of rubs off on me.  Several people including I were vying a promotion, and this quiet event reeks of split milk. Spontaneous reaction would be to go speak to my boss and ask what is going on. Speaking to him about this is exactly the satisfaction I won't give him. I think the time to find a new meadow is close. On the flipside, I know that I don't have options to switch in the town I reside.  I am again having a bout of insomnia. It always goes away in a few days. And my infection has recurr...

Repeat bloodwork shows that I do not have to go and get the dreamy Proc.tosc.opy done.  In a brilliant discovery, I have finally identified hunger as the root cause of tantrums from Figlia and M. A tiny snack in, and there is immediate quiet, before whatever else ticks any of them. Gracy continues to be absent from work. She had pneumonia. I know I sound harsh but I am not, I am a very sweet, confrontation-avoiding, giver of many favours. She is recovered from the fever, and was supposed to come in on last Monday, but I asked her to delay her coming because she still had a cough. I asked her to report to work today. Guess who won't be coming today because they are unwell, and have blood pressure, and possibly sugar issues and a doctor appointment today? In the words of DH - "taking care of the caretaker". It's time to start searching for an alternative.  The reason we withdrew M from daycare and kept him home was his repeated Upper Respiratory Infection...

Things are improving a bit on the Figlia front. I remember something she told me right after she had crossed a line again - "What will you do? Yell at me? Hit me?". That question from her told me what I shouldn't do - react. So, I caught her at a calm moment, and I told her that she could go to R's place, but she cannot go without informing me first, and she will have to return when asked to. Apparently, my daughter thought that I would not consent to her going there, and that is why all those shenanigans were up. Once we reached an agreement, she is more open about her intentions. She did break a rule again, and got wrapped up pretty quick on it. I have asked her to use the stairs and not the elevator when she is alone but Miss Confident was using the elevator even when alone, and the elevator got stuck yesterday. She learnt her lesson.  Since I know that her confidence is a bit more than her ability at this age, I am trying very hard to set rules that s...

There is this word that I want to use about Figlia's behaviour these days - insubordination.  M and Figlia are both running a cough and cold, and Figlia is essentially challenging my prerogative to say "No".  Yesterday, she again went out unaccompanied and I eventually searched for her, and brought her home at 2000 hrs. I chose to not yell, because that is what she perhaps expected. I told her that she had said that she was going to P's house, but how come she was at R's house without telling me. And Madam F, tried to bluff me that she had actually said R and never P, making me doubt for a couple of minutes if something is wrong with my hearing. However it all started with A (the next door kid) who showed up and asked for Figlia to accompany her to the park. When A did not agree to go to play at P's house, my daughter just went out alone.  I am not calling my daughter a liar. I just can't seem to get to her that there are a lot of safety conce...

It's been ten days of the new school for M. Snotty days are already here. M has been melting my heart with asking for hugs just about whenever he is reminded of them. He bear-hugged me yesterday, halfway through his bath. And then today morning, as soon as he woke up, he just wanted to be held . He wrapped his arms around me. We just sat like that for a few minutes. He usually is clingy in the morning, but today he did not even go into his dad's arms. Figlia has been challenging me with her assertions of independence. Along with her friend from the next door, she has been repeatedly insisting on going alone to the neighbourhood park. There has been this one time when I said that it was okay if she was playing at her friend's house, but not to go to the park without asking me. My daughter went ahead with going to the park before asking me first! But then, something else happened yesterday evening. You see, my daughter learnt that fooling someone is the same as lying...

Experienced a massive tantrum thrown by Figlia yesterday. Sufficient to state that Figlia and Gracy (yep) returned home crying from the park yesterday.  One of the issues that I have been having again and again with her is that my very verbal daughter expects certain things from me telepathically.  But what I really want to ask is how does one handle unpleasant questions, or conversations that are making you wince, but the kid refuses to drop the topic? #TMI warning# At five years old, Figlia has been continuously asking about how babies are made. So I answered her as straight as I could, and well, she knows that doctors take out babies. She wants to know how she would know that she has a baby inside her when she grows up? She wants to know how the baby is inserted into Mummy's tummy? And she has been asking variants of the same continuously.  Plus, I am having a hard time telling her that there is a right time and right place for verbalizing t...

Oy, in this week, and the turn of the last week, several things have happened.  Figlia, went to our neighbourhood park, with her pal alone - as in without me or Gracy accompanying her! When she was hankering me for it, I asked her to tell me phone numbers, and address and her parents' names, and she recited every detail. We live in a gated community, so it is moderately safe. Lot of children play outside, but Figlia hasn't ever even asked to go out alone like this.  Figlia, also went to our nearby grocer (the shop is also within the gated premises) alone. She carried the list of items on a slip of paper, and got stuff home. (I settle bills at the end of the month, so no money has to be paid immediately) M started Nursery this week.  I think I have at some point of time mentioned the elderly couple that lives in the flat adjacent to us. Their grandson, who is special needs, is visiting currently and is, I think 12-13 years old. The boy has problem with ver...

Figlia told Gracy that she needs to inform *me* to not have babies like M again. (Figlia and M are pretty much Tom and Jerry, and no peace can be expected at this point of time in our house.)

So M is fully weaned from the bottle, and is very responsive to potty training. He is diaper-less for all the while unless he is napping or at night. He does ask for a diaper when he has the serious business to take care of, otherwise, he just goes to the loo by himself. Figlia's summer vacations are about to end. She goes back to school from the coming Monday. M would be starting Nursery this year.  What M still does not have it down is a) shampooing his hair, and b) brushing his teeth. He does brush, but is inconsistent with it. Washing his head will hundred percent lead to him crying. 

What do we do with bizarre dreams? I had a very vivid dream of having to go to another city, and planning to book a train seat for myself. I did not do it till the last day. And when I stood in line, and I got a reservation, it was relieving. But then I also realized that I hadn't made any accommodation arrangement in the other city. Then I thought that it would perhaps be okay if I just reached the new city and then checked out the surrounding hotels. This city is the one that I went to last year for an academic conference. Meanwhile, I have also seen my father in the dream, and my father has a mole on his derriere, and I thought that his mole had become so big. How does it all inter-mesh, I can't exactly tell, but it was one confused dream.  Huh. 

I came back from visiting my parents this Monday, and joined office the very same day. Here's the great news....coming home from the train station, I realized that M thought he left his bottle in the train. Bam! I used that clue, and today we are on Day 3 of him without his bottle. He whined the first day, but has been super okay about not getting it now. Bottle weaning achievement unlocked.  Yesterday evening, I gathered all his bottles, spare teats, spare lids and the ilk and hid them away. I was really cherishing it.  My sister - in - law gave a Math workbook to Figlia the day we were to return back, and Figlia has already finished half of it. My mother was very impressed, and thinks that Figlia is good at Maths, and has a flair for it.  What Figlia also has a flair for is - whining. Today morning, she was upset because I asked her to either leave the room, or turn on her belly and sleep a bit more. I only asked because I was wrapped in a towel post-ba...

I am home alone with just M for a few days. Gracy comes over for the day, and then when I go home, it is just the two of us. My "how will I manage" anxiety that has perpetually ingrained in my soul since Figlia's birth, has really come down. It is still there, and raises its head every single time M makes a demand I did not expect. I enjoy taking a quick shower before going to bed for the night, and ever since I had children, I gave up on locking the bathroom door from inside. With M, I have actually been keeping the bathroom door wide open when I take my bath, because Mister knows how to latch me from outside / will have something urgent just when I am soaped over/  there is no other adult to supervise or unlatch my door.  But for the last two nights, he also insists on washing all his cars/dumpers/backhoes at the same time as I am showering. So, he comes in. I turn off the shower, he proceeds to a bucket of water, soaks his automobile, takes it out, lets the w...

There is some excitement up at workplace. I am handling small bits of two major (accreditation/affiliation/qualitywuzz) activities that are currently on roll here, and yeah, I am tired even before I have entered the thick of it.  Then, there is another thing. There haven't been many opportunities for career growth here. The last time we had interviews for the higher faculty positions was when I was away from here (pregnant with Figlia, 2011), and then again last year.  Last year I had applied but an entire segment of interviews was chopped off because the panel pointed a few deficiencies in the way applications were taken. The interviews for the lower rungs happened, but the lot of us who went for higher ranks were pretty much left out to dry.  Then, it helps my chances to know that the Director's daughter who has the same specialization and belongs to the same department as me, is also competing for the same position as me.  Then, the years that I m...

My boy turned 30 months old this week. Can you believe it? I am gradually coming out of the stage, where none of my children are in infancy.  And while almost everyone I meet says that they miss their baby days, I honestly don't. M has a case of upset bowels, attributed to the heat wave we are experiencing.  He is very smart and resourceful, and a sharer (doesn't let anyone touch his cars though). Thursday evening, he was hankering for biscuits (not giving him because of his upset stomach), and when I eventually gave him the jar, he took for himself and his sister, even though she hadn't asked. Went to her, gave her the biscuit, and both of them sat on the sofa and ate. That entire thing lasted for less than 10 minutes, but I had a complete moment of melt looking at them this way.  I had a dream sometime this week, in which we as a family along with my in-laws have gone somewhere to attend a wedding. We have two rooms at a resort, and the rooms are far ap...

Ummm...no big fluff of joy at the house we saw yesterday. DH will most likely talk to the landlord. If the rental is re-negotiated, we might not switch eventually.  On the other hand, the new antibiotics have improved my situation. I am happy about that. Since yesterday, I have a lingering bitter taste in my mouth. It is just one of the side-effects of the antibiotics, and since they will be my partners in different combinations for the coming month, something I just have to make peace with. I have now also been able to pin that the general sense of fatigue I have, the feeling of stiffness I get every morning when I get from bed, and the dull pain in my legs, something that I have felt but ignored for long, are just outcomes of the anemia.  My in-laws leave tomorrow. I have been craving a quiet, peaceful, back-to-my-space kind of feeling for a while. I have firmly practised patience, leaving DH to deal with stuff I wouldn't want to bother with. It helps.

A couple of posts back I had mentioned the good fortune of suffering a particular infection every cycle. Since then, I have undergone a neat battery of blood tests and two visits to the doctor.  For one, the infection is bacterial. For two, my hemoglobin has tanked to 7.8 ( no wonder my immunity is haywire ).   The doctor got a test for typing of anemia, and it appears to be iron deficiency anemia, possibly from my body not absorbing iron properly.  I finished about a week's prescription before realizing that my situation was not improving, so yesterday I got another prescription. My anti-biotic has changed, and there is a plethora of supplements to go with it ( and the iron supplement is a 3 month course ).  I feel embarrassed and I feel afraid having the infection lest I pass it on to Figlia.  My sleep has wonked up again. I tend to wake up anytime between 3:00 am - 4:30 am, and I have the urge to freshen up. I do eventually go back to sle...

I have finished my course of medicines for the yeast infection, but the medicine is known to cause B-Complex deficiency, and whatever good I had done with the supplements I took just before seems to have regressed.  Also, I had an unexpected case of upset bowels on Saturday night, and luckily I had medicine for it. So, I have started that, and I now have a metallic taste in my mouth. Even water tastes awful now. My in-laws are here, and would be with us for almost a month. M ran a low grade fever today morning, which I peg on exhaustion.  DH turned 4-0 yesterday. I hope his midlife crisis is over, coz I am about to ring in. I can feel it.  

I seriously believed I was psyching myself to a UTI every cycle.  I feel so proud of announcing that this time I am running a second infection within the same cycle.  And it is a yeast infection.  The source is still not clear, but if poor immunity, and poor eating habits, and stress are contributory I would be a singing nightingale already.  My sweet craving had spiked up lately, and I was eating ice-cream almost every day lately and I do think that raised sugar consumption contributed to it.  And, I am still recovering from a bad case of mouth ulcers.  I have a new prescription for the infection, and I will be taking yogurt/curd regularly for the next few days, remain alert for sugar consumption, and continue the B-complex.  Hurrah. 

I noticed recently that M is more into cuddly, soft toys than what Figlia was at this age. He carries the toys around, gives them kisses, and well, he slept with Winnie the Pooh besides him last night.  He is still not giving up his night feeds, even if he has had dinner. While he uses cups/tumbler with ease for water and juices, he refuses milk in any other thing but the bottle.  He has also voluntarily started asking for colours and crayons, and often scribbles on copies, and sometimes draws lines right across Figlia's work (which drives her up the wall). I bought her uniform last night, and while we were there, Figlia noticed the other stuff at the store, and kept asking me if she could have a new school bag, and other things. I explained to her that we buy new stuff only when the old one has gone bad. A common thing here is that lot of kids start a new grade with a new school bag/new compass box and stuff, but I have so far resisted doing it. I find it was...

Today, Figlia gave a bath to M. How cool is that! A short while ago, I had posted about M's recurrent cough and he had been subsequently kept at home (and not sent to daycare), and administered antibiotics. However, after his return to daycare, he has again been coughing a little.  We have decided to keep him home too, and now Gracy would have both the kids in her care. He is 2 years plus, and does not have the problems of infancy, but he is a moody eater, not yet potty trained and still takes bottles for feeds. Gracy would get a raise, and now daycare will become a back-up option for days she does not turn up.  The daycare also has a kindergarten, and when M starts school, we want to choose between the daycare, or sending M to Figlia's school. The former is convenient and familiar, and the latter is more formal, and once he enters the school, he wouldn't have to change schools later.  Our co-sleeping arrangements have changed such that while we are a...

Watched that movie yesterday (late) afternoon. Figlia and I had gone to the mall yesterday, and there were only two things mainly on my agenda - the movie, and a bit of shopping.  What we finally did was an overpriced ride on a dolphin that rotated on its axis, the movie with the costly popcorn, and an ice-cream, and another ride. Before that trip got over, I stopped for a while at a store that essentially sells girls' dresses. Figlia had attended a birthday party the week before ( invitation received two hours before the event ) and hadn't given a gift yet, and there was an invitation for this weekend. I thought I could browse for a few nice dresses to give to the two birthday girls.  Eventually, I picked nothing, and we came home. Once home, Figlia turned back on her promise of washing her hands before settling down and watching her cartoon. When I pushed her for it, she began screaming that I never bought her new things, no new clothes, nothing. She was tired, an...

I have tried twice last week to post, but since there is nothing to show for it, well, the title of this post.  Yesterday, I lost money. Someone stole a tiny wad of hard cash from my purse. In my office. From my purse. In my absence. Aaaaaargh.  The thief may never be found because there is a lonesome camera on the entry to this faculty hall, but my cabin is on the far end, and pretty much in a blind spot.  Yesterday, when I found what had happened, I was in deep shock. But today, I am far more composed. As the news spread, several of my colleagues have reported losing money here and there, in tiny lots, and I wonder why no one has put in an official complaint as yet? M spent two weeks at home, and he went back to daycare today. His coughing is better, but we need to take him back to the pediatrician. He was in Gracy's care at home, and keeping him home is something we can think of. However, Gracy has been inconsistent, and I can't make her the hundre...

Happy Blogoversary to Me! This blog (albeit under a different name) started in 2008 today. The blog itself is 9 years old, and it's been a decade since I began blogging. I used to pen a diary when I was young, but I never kept up with it consistently due to several reasons. But I guess, blogging has beat my own history of being flighty and moody in terms of what I like to do.  What a decade to document, folks.  

Wow...a while since I meant to post, and am now writing here. I try my best to not make my posts not sound like medical bulletins, but I have no option with snot around me. M is on his fourth episode of coughing since December. It is not a very pleasant thing, and the pediatrician has now recommended a Chest X-Ray and a Haemo.gram. That's the highlight from yesterday. This new development happened after him having just recuperated from a busted chin (he scared the daylights out of everyone at the daycare) and a viral fever before that. Figlia had some discoloration near her lip. I thought it was possibly due to drool collection at night at the site when she slept, but it turns out that a simple Zinc supplement has taken care of it. The discoloration is gone, but that bit of skin is a litter coarser than the rest.  I was thinking of how M and Figlia were different at the age that M is in now. M still does not show any preference for what he would like to wear and not w...

Attended an engagement party of someone from hubby's office last night.  We had finished dinner, and I was standing with Figlia when this woman who was also an invitee, came over for a chat.  'Is she your daughter?' , she enquired. When I answered yes, she commented that I looked too old for a daughter that young.  ' Umm ya, I had children late' , I said.  And the woman nodded her head as if she understood what I was saying.  I told DH when we were coming back, and he couldn't quite believe that I was grilled that way.  I felt very violated at the way I was "interviewed", and I gave no additional information, and just got away as I fast I could, but I am really noticing a change in me. A couple of years back, I would have also possibly shared my IF history.  No more now.

Figlia has picked up a cough.  She and I spent a good Sunday afternoon at a local fair, and she finally graduated to the bigger rides, and I was so happy.  We are having nanny woes. Gracy has become inconsistent, and recently resorted to lying to cover up for coming late in the morning. I eventually see Figlia going to daycare full time (currently M is in daycare and Figlia stays home after school with the nanny), or if we are lucky maybe another good nanny will come along.  When I was a teenager, I was very short tempered. I see that returning. When I get angry, I literally radiate heat.  M yesterday threw a tantrum because he did not want me to come inside the house (he had banished me to the dark dungeon that is the parking lot). I did come in, and ignored his crying, but seriously, I can laugh about this only today.  I used up the last week or so,  watching several movies (Hus.h; Strande.d Minds.cape; The Visit.ant; The Ope.n Door) ...

M: I did not him get the balloon that the store guy hasn't kept for selling. M: Because he was reprimanded for thwacking Figlia with his toy dumper. M: We are forcing him to wear clothes (every.single.day.tantrum!). M: M was scolded for intentionally spitting mouthful of water on Figlia's bed. (Mister sipped from his glass in the living room, walked up to the bedroom, stood on Figlia's bed and spitted the water) M: He is not being allowed to suck his shoe. M: I shampooed his hair.

Wow...it feels like the first month of 2017 zipped by pretty fast.  We came very close to changing our current residence in January, but things stalled that plan.  M has firmly entered the wonderful phase of terrible - twos, and I think I should do another round of "Reasons M is Crying". Mostly, there is a daily meltdown over wearing clothes post-bathing. Figlia hated being asked to come out of the water, and she came out only when she wanted to. M has no qualms when asked to come out of the water, but he hates to be dressed after that.  M is also a finicky eater, and that stresses me so much.  Figlia finished a round of immunizations (the 5 year ones), and I am glad she is now done for another three years. Doctor is recommending Swi.ne Flu shot for her, but she had an allergic reaction the last time it was given to her, so I am skeptical about that. 

Last week, Figlia turned 5.  And L turned 6. And then when 16th came, it was her death anniversary, and there is this strange feeling that creeps up on me every single time. On 14th, I become observing of her birth, and then when 16th happens it is as if, I am jolted hard out of that birthday reverie. 

~~TMI ahead~~ M is sick again. He has a cold and cough that he has duly passed on to Figlia and me. And there is middle of the night projectile vomiting. And fever. And I am just done with washing 'that' kind of laundry.

##TMI ahead## ...was a disaster. We went out for dinner at a city hotel. It was a buffet meal.  M was hungry and began pulling at the table cloth as soon as we were seated. Once he ate a bit, he calmed down enough to stop being angry at things.  Figlia on the other hand, would like her hands clean as soon as she decides she is done. So, she took what she wanted, and then decided she was done, and wanted to have her hands washed. DH took her to the washroom.  DH and I had only managed to have soup, and starters.  M was already moving around in the restaurant, and in the mood to get out of the place.  I had already been out into the lobby and the hotel basement where there was a party going on.  We came back, but M wasn't settling down. Figlia then announced that she wanted to poop. DH asked her if it was urgent, and she said No. By this time, M was already out of the restaurant, and because Figlia was done with dinner...