My Lady of the Lantern

A fortnight ago, I had this itch to write a year-end roundup. I have some pretty significant life events to report this year. Thankfully, I am over the itch.  I had so much expectation from this year. I was so excited for 2016.  What has actually happened is a mudslide, and yes, here are a few positives from this year (in no particular order): I cleared an exam this July (results came in November), which is a life time qualification, and essentially used as an eligibility basis. I got a sim card that allowed me free calling for over two months, and free internet, free text messages. I participated in a two day conference in a different city in November, which was a good trip for me. I enjoyed the conference, and went sightseeing. It was also very refreshing. The paper I presented there, was one I hadn't hope to complete in time, and yet I pushed myself to go write it, and submit it, so being able to get through to the conference was an achievement. M turne...

Elsie: Figlia, M is so naughty. We should give him back, or give him to someone else. Figlia: No use. They will return him back to us. We should get used to him.  1. M, at 2 years continues to be the baby. :-) 2. Conversation happened a while back when I discovered M had drowned a few apples in different vessels kept in the refrigerator.  For more Microblog stories, visit Mel . 

Day before yesterday, Figlia suffered an eye injury at school. She was playing with straws, and one of them went into her left eye.  The incident happened about an hour before school was to end for the day. She was attended to in the school, but she came crying all the way home in her school bus. At home, her eye was watering continuously and she was in pain.  After an emergency visit to an ophthalmologist, it was found that she had suffered a corneal abrasion, and then after a prescription of a cocktail of eye drops, her pain has completely gone. She was called for a vision test yesterday, and doctor reports that she needs specs! Specs! She had never reported reading difficulty. None of her parents wear specs.  But she needs them.  On doctor's orders, she wont be attending school all of this week, and will go for a repeat visit to the said ophthalmologist next Wednesday.  I am not very conversant with reading an eye prescription, and do...

(M) ~~ He is not being allowed to run outside the house naked. (Figlia) ~~ She is being prevented from eating from M's plate, even though she has already finished her own portion.  (Figlia) ~~ "Will anyone in this house ever understand me?". [Well played, kid] (Figlia) ~~ Because she feels tortured by being asked to pee every few hours. (M) ~~ He wanted candy and was handed one. Unfortunately I completely unwrapped the candy and gave it, thereby causing ultimate sacrilege of his intention to unwrap the thing and then eat it. (M) ~~ I am not allowing him to hit Figlia with his toy truck.  Figlia is extremely sensitive and intuitive, and very whiny these days. She puts my patience on test frequently.  M's naughtiness is matched with how he comes back with bruises here and there all the time. He had a bleeding lip last night thanks to him hitting a chair handle while trying to get down from it.  M is also far more finicky food-wise. ...

I heard an infant's cry sometime around 5:30 a.m. today. It was still dark outside (hello winter), and I spent a few moments listen to the baby exercising its lungs. There has been an advent of about four new babies in my neighbourhood, including two in my building.  It could be anyone of those bubbas.  I was happy that it wasn't mine. M still is a sleep-wrecker, but that kind of crying is history.  And yet, when I see newborns, I have this urge to hold them, to touch them, and to feel that tiny life in my arms - to see how those tiny fingers wrap around a single finger of mine...their antics and all.  And oh, for the tiniest of fleeting moments I might even experience an urge to be pregnant and have a baby. When my senses return after the lapse of that nanosecond, I am just relieved to not be going through all of that, and those struggles of babyhood.

Wow, M really has stepped up his bug fest. Figlia uninstalled the snot machine only for it to be installed by Mister About-to-be-Two. Plus, the allergic reaction to the insect bite, plus a day of diarrhoea, and I am just sitting pretty about his birthday. Last year, he ran a fever right before his birthday, and sickness is a not my favourite repeat trend. My in-laws are here, and both of them have also been coughing/sneezing and hence there is ample source of infection everywhere.  Thanks for the comments on the previous post. Yes, it could be a growth spurt. I missed documenting an amazing milestone that happened sometime in October. I was out and about in the park in our neighbourhood (it's a gated township) one evening and I had to rush back home for some reason. I told Figlia to stay with M, while I returned back, and I came home for fifteen minutes and returned back to them. That was the first time that Figlia and M were together that way for the first time. ...

In nine days, M will be two. Can you believe it? Unlike Figlia, he won't have a party. To tell the truth, I am not even firm with what will be done for the birthday. This year has been hard on me, and I am in the midst of an existential crisis.  We have travelled outstation twice in the last six weeks, and I went out solo for a conference on my own for a couple of days last week. I wish I could spend some more alone time (maybe a few months?), but that won't happen. Figlia will be five in a couple of months. She is smart (not the first time I said that), and picks up everything like a sponge, and sometimes plays back data in front of people I would not share the data with. That means we have to be careful with what we say to each other in front of her. Then the little Missy will pick up the tone, and reprimand either parent, or both for the way we are talking. She is having a food problem. She has never given me trouble with food. But she is constantly hung...

M has just begun a new round of viral. Yep, his second infection in two months. Giving him medicine is sheer joy, because he fights every approaching medicine with all his life.  Figlia is growing up, and has all the signs of being a big girl. I can't believe that she would be turning five in three months time! I can honestly tell you that time does not fly. I have felt every day of her growing up, some days grating my bones more than other days. But time does pass.  M and his love for developing fevers in the middle of the night are epic. Given that I have young kids, and fair experience of sleep deprivation, getting up bleary-eyed is still not a skill I have mastered.  Figlia loves to draw and listen to stories, and then makes up stories of her own. She has a fair imagination, and is a mini-me (which scares me). Listening to her teacher describing her was like someone describing me to me.  M loves to jump, and his independence. He handles food wi...

Oh I don't let go easily. But I wanted to add new subscription to my reader, and there was a cap of 100 blogs.  I yesterday, finally, let go of some blog subscriptions. Some of those blogs, and the women who wrote them...I clung to every word they wrote ( BabySmiling , for example). Most of the blogs came to an abrupt end. I never knew if they were going to come back. I hope that life became too crazy for them to come and talk about it, or that they lost the zest for blogging, and nothing else happened. But I think I will remember what happened to each of them for the brief years documented there. My students tell me that I have a pretty good recollection of faces, and often also remember names of students passed out 10-12 years back. I might even re-count, a pleasant or a negative experience I have had with that person. I hold on to things too long. I carry too much memory. I don't let go easily. I am unable to purge my emotions, and hoard things that ...

Both Figlia and M are on the mend from a bout of viral that seems to have crossed almost every house in this area. Figlia is doing better than M, because though M is better he continues to be clingy and irritable. Plus, he says no to solid food most of the time, preferring milk. M continues with his sleep aversion. Actually, let me amend that. He sleeps when he does, but refuses to close his eyes before midnight, no matter how long his noon nap was.  DH will be taking a short trip out of town this week. Gracy returned to work yesterday, after almost two months off (she met with an accident).  In a (wow-worthy) first, Figlia gave M a bath yesterday! She who is not yet 5, and he who is not yet 2, are such a team when they are getting along!

Figlia has been super smart in her answers lately. I always considered her bright, but I also now feel that she expresses herself very well, and has a definite sense of humour. Fortunately or unfortunately, she has my kind of sense of humour, and we have a riot in the house just mimicking the fart of an elephant sometimes. M is naughty, and reflects a lot of behaviour that is just like Figlia (but he is a very different person overall). He became angry at me when I unwrapped the candy for him without him asking me to unwrap it. So Figlia! But he is a complete jumping jack, jumping over stuff continuously or jumping from stuff all the time. I however have some worries of my own. My right knee (that had the avulsion injury) that appeared to be completely healed with the medication and braces I wore for a month, is acting up again. I have dull persistent pain that I feel every time I flex the knee. Plus the toes of my left foot are also aching. I noticed a slight swelling on my l...

M has been bad with sleeping lately.  He refuses to close his eyes! He just does not sleep till completely exhausted, and it is not like he is having long naps in the daycare.  And then, if he wakes up before his sleep is finally done, he cries and is clingy all morning. Figlia ran a fever last week, and she is doing better now.

Figlia has just turned 4 and a half, and she is doing good in several regards. She is taking her baths herself and is able to shampoo her own hair (there is some amount of supervision to check for leftover lather, or whether hair has been washed properly). The door of the bathroom is wide open when she is bathing, so that any of the adults can enter as needed. She is able to wear most of her clothes on her own, and combing her hair is the job she does least well.  Figlia is also showing keen interest in sketching, and that is a habit I am encouraging, because it keeps her off any screens, is enjoyable and engrossing, and she can spend a good half hour on it when she is in the mood.  Everyone says that M's temperament is changing. He has taken a turn for the naughty, and is one of the more vocal kids of his age-group in the daycare. One needs to be worried, if he is in another room, and completely quiet. M has had his share of fun lately...hurling raw eggs as tennis ba...

I am in a very twisted place right now. I am not happy with myself.  I hate the sight of me in the mirror. I am not really loving my job. At some point of time, I loved the job for what it was. I now like it more for the peanuts I earn every month (I relatively earn more peanuts than what similar institutions in the same city can offer for my position). There has been huge work-related stress lately.  Figlia took up swimming recently, and I have not been able to take her to the class regularly, because we are unable to match schedules.  Gracy met with a road accident, and she is sufficiently beat up to not be there for atleast a month. The other day I noticed Figlia yelling at M, completely mimicking my shrill voice when I have a noooooo- directive for either of the kids, and I realized that I am not doing very well as a parent either.  I don't want to play victim. Something is bound to change, and I just don't know what hole to plug first. I am ...

#1 The water he poured from the bottle to the tumbler, went straight to the floor when he tried to pour back into the bottle. #2 He wanted to pull off the plug of the refrigerator and is not being allowed to. #3 We snatched his cache of stuff that he was attempting to throw from the balcony.  #4 I am taking a bath and have latched the door from inside. #5 He is not being allowed to climb into the refrigerator. #6 Because Figlia is crying (heart-melting, but also a pull-out-your-remaining-hair moment) #7 Because he can .

It has been a few months since I discovered my lovely husband's infidelity.  It's like this - I never in my life expected this to ever happen to me. My trust is shattered, and most days, my sense of self-worth is the same status as my trust (and then I do the sad job of picking myself up, and pushing to the next moment, with no expectations). I know that it is completely his fault to have indulged himself in the promise of free slurpee from the whore. I also assessed from the transcripts available to me that she was very predatory from the inception, and planned her moves well. My maternity leave was an opportunity she utilized very well. Even after M happened, I was pretty inconvenienced with things like tantrums, feeds, baby poop and sleep. She was free all night, as was my husband.  Today, she is no longer his ho-worker. She is jobless and almost penniless ( but her social media pics lie coz they show her toned body in beautiful dresses, perfect in every pout...

I think I mentioned a while back that my right knee was giving me trouble. I had an MRI for it, and came to know that a chip had come off the patella, and was lodged in its gooey cocoon. Doctor has labelled it as an avulsion injury, and now I have a proper diagnosis. Good news is that the meniscus is not torn, and the second good news is that wearing support, and avoiding standing for long or excessive flexing of the knee will help recovery. I also got my painkillers changed because the previous ones were unkind to my gastric balance. I spent last week at my parental house with both the kids, given that my brother was visiting after two years. It was a good time together, and I had my stresses, but the children enjoyed a lot. What I messed up was work, because now I have a neat pile of pending on my end.

Humiliation

* She wants ice-cream, and stomping her feet is not helping her get it. * M is not ready to drink water from his bottle in total inconsideration to the fact that Her Holiness wants him to drink water from the bottle. * I dialed the number of  her grandmother the wrong way ( from the contacts, and not from call log ). * She has had a full dinner, but just remembered that M got a slice of cheese and she did not ( M did not eat anything else ). * Cockroaches are lurking specially for her, asking her name, and telling her to not go into specific rooms.  * I forced her to go pee in the bathroom, because she had mumbled something about wanting to pee about half an hour before. The first edition is here !

~~ Warning: Yuck Mentions/TMI~~ On Sunday morning, Figlia was crying because hubby and then I had been coercing her to brush her teeth and go pee. So M decided to take my happiness higher. He played ball with a raw egg in the living room.  M takes sleep time very seriously at night. In fact, he is so serious, that he starts chuckling when the lights are turned off, and he is gently eased onto the bed.  It's been really hot around here this season.  I have a lateral tear of the meniscus (right knee). It's been two weeks since I first went to the doctor for it. I have exercises and painkillers prescribed. I took painkillers for seven days, and that was good pain-wise, but it caused me gastric upset, and bloating.  Also, doctor asked me to reduce weight (he has to be the last person on the earth to tell me that).

I read a joke on FB a few days back, and it makes me chuckle everytime I think of it. Here it goes: 'Oh My God, What did you do to your hair?   Oh, that's nothing. You should see what I did to my life.' Anyways, as self deprecating as it may appear, it does make me laugh, and laughing is good. Then I also want to introduce you to these two "things" (purely for information sake): a. Etiquette for Mistresses - Yep, someone wrote that out in black and white. Bless her heart.  b. If you are adulterous, and/or considering it, and/or just being totally shameless, you can peruse reddit ! The above-mentioned have been my discoveries from the last few days, and I can't quite believe myself. But then, disbelief is what 2016 is about, right? There need not be guesses on how fluid my mental and emotional shape is. But damn, my body is also up to nasty. I can reference insomnia, constipation, and irritability. I can also reference that my right ...

I went on an uncharacteristic short trip to my parental home with Figlia for three days at the cusp of this week. I met my nephew for the first time, and it was good fun some relief to spend some time on myself. I got red streaks done in my hair, and I love the colour.  My parents (specifically my mother) finally have a whiff of something not being right, and so far, I have refused to talk about anything but hubby's workaholic ways. My mother is not convinced, but she has no way of finding out unless I speak.   I have become part of Ch.ump La.dy, and the characteristic of that website is the enthusiastic disapproval of continuing to live with a cheater, the basic premise being that once a cheater is always a cheater. ( It's like a lion that has tasted human blood, and so the taste won't go, and the lion is bound to harm a human again. ) But then I also now frequent other blogs of spouses who were betrayed and continued to be with their partners. It creates a very ...

The seer I saw in February had an important thing to tell me about me. He said: "You are your own guru . You push yourself at your weakest; give yourself hope vim, when nothing else works." My social media is full of soppy love messages, and anniversary wishes, and gooey bits of eternal love notes for lovers/partners/spouses.  I wouldn't be able to compose anything beyond "meh" if I was forced to do so today. I am still on the fence.

So, I did explore and come out of my cosy skin a bit more, and found something important about the town I live in.  Essentially, it is easier to find a divorce lawyer than to find a therapist around here.  I have also been suggested that thinking positive things would keep the negative thoughts away (the apple - doctor relationship?).  My husband says that I must try to forget and move ahead (that was duly nominated for joke of the day). He thinks that I can stop torturing myself only if I stopped thinking about it.  Also, there has been a major fight couple of days back, and I was very hurt when he told me that I pretended to be supportive, but I was not. A few days prior to this fight, I had "indicated" with examples of how he was not listening to me, and did not bother with simple requests and small things I asked from him. Our recent fight did not have my one-up status as the root, but the fact that he assumed me to react a particular way that I ...

Needless to say it out loud, the days in house are not on an even keel. The children are getting serially sick, Figlia had tonsillitis, and now M is recovering from diarrhoea. Life is about ensuring that prescriptions are filled on time.  I have not had any major meltdowns with him.  But there are off and on flares, and I dig and I dig and I dig. The digs often lead to very intimate questions. And the saga of their intimacy gets to my brain every time. There are small details - tiny, sharp shards that pierce through everything core. I have to work hard to not to bring in my natural flare for snark and sarcasm in my comments, and instead focus on asking questions and then more questions. Revelations and Realizations are great friends, I must tell you. I have used very colourful language recently in describing Molly...words that I am ashamed of speaking loudly, and words that don't naturally come to me when thinking of people. But God knows that I have used ...

So thankfully, I do have other things to write about. Write for example, that a couple of weeks back I had this crazy headache that would not go away (atleast I thought that it was a headache)...the pain was located behind my ears and base of my neck. And when I put my fingers inside my ears and pushed, my ears did not ache. I tried the painkillers I had at home, they worked but the pain returned as soon as the medicine's effect waned. It turns out that I had swollen lymph nodes, and the sense of malaise and fatigue came from - measles. I had an awful time.  I stayed back from work (A medical leave and me? Never!) for five days. I had trouble swallowing food, my plumbing was bust. My bones ached. I had bouts of fever. My skin went berserk, and I still feel like my face is swollen (though everyone I ask says it is not).  Figlia had tonsilitis, and M discovered that water is not all that bad, which meant that you could take him for a bath, but there was blood ...

I am not built to be the Madonna. I am built to be the mule - the dependable, weight-bearing, steady animal that is a mule, looks like a mule, and stays firm on the earth, no matter what the topography.  And it was not like that I was Madonna before and turned into a mule later. I have been that for all the while.  In college, I was in a big group of people - popular, social and witty; sharer of class notes; and well, sadly, one of the 'guys'.  I remember asking my husband to remove the blanket and see if I had soiled the bed under me. L had died. I had come home and discovered of her death. I was bleeding too much. I was unwell. I was resting, and did not have the energy to get up and check on my own. My mother had arranged a thick cotton folded sheet that was spread on the bed from my waist-down and hubby lifted the blanket to see. I had wet the sheet. He called my mother, and they together changed the sheet.  Point is, he has seen me in positions ...

M-no* came onto the balcony while I was doing laundry, and snotty-sneezed. I sent a silent Hallelujah, because I like to give medicines in tandem to the children. It's either X or Y, or both. Figlia's bowels had hung an "out of order" sign on Sunday, and she was already on medicine for it. *( No, Please don't throw your bottle from the balcony. No, Please don't throw the biscuit into the potty seat. No, Please don't hide your grapes in the laundry basket. No, Please don't shut the TV off while your sister is eagerly following an Oggy and the Co.ckroaches chase. No, Please don't dump an entire bag of diapers all over the house. No, Please don't colour Figlia's school sheets. No, Please don't eat her crayons. No, Please don't eat Figlia's nose. And no, You can't eat that bar of soap either. ) But yes, M-no's antics and our brimming medicine cabinet are not the topic for the post. DH feels ashamed of what he ha...

My mental state is very fluid currently. Not only am I not able to think straight sometimes, I also seem to be contemplating on two diametrically different courses of action most of the times. Whatever I choose to do, I want to keep my dignity intact. I do not see it as a game of winning and losing, because trust me, the loss has already been incurred.  February was not very good for M, health-wise.  M is an easier baby than Figlia in certain respects. However, with him around, I also have to don the cap of a referee, because he does not want anything except everything that Figlia is holding. Once he gets it, he will just go after the next thing Figlia is doing.  All my insecurity has swum to the surface. My awareness of my own weaknesses and imperfections has become intense.  I stopped going to the gym. I was having time issues, and I was not enjoying it. 

I am alright. I am also not alright. The worst revenge I think of is sleeping with some stranger. And I know that I am not that type. Have I considered leaving? Yes Have I left? No Do I really want to leave? No Do I think his mistake is huge? Yes Can it be forgiven? No idea Maybe I say it is huge but I don't get the gravity? I feel apologetic in pointing out what he has done. And then I wonder why I should feel shame. He feels shame. And then he gets angry. Molly is still around - which complicates matters.  

This bush that I am in. It is feral.  I have moments of absolute clarity, though the moods change often, and that changes the thought process. I feel prepared and capable of dealing with everything. Then, I just feel inadequate, ugly, incapable, insufficient, under-prepared and awful. I feel like a blob.  I am running my second periods of the year, and they have just begun. I feel like a leech, and yet there is secret glee I feel in driving home the point of how wrong things are. I let him know everytime I change my pad. He must know.  I despise myself more than I despise her and I despise him more than I despise her.  "Will things never be okay again?" I don't say but my mind chuckles at how quickly he wants normalcy to return.  

~~TMI Alert~~ - Figlia slept the Friday night tightly hugging a new bar of soap she wanted to take bath with today morning. She was happy to know that we did not steal it.  - M had a speed vomit session beginning close to midnight yesterday. Actually, it looked like he was in discomfort (though not crying) and turning out the lights we found him sitting surrounded in pools of vomit. By the time he re-slept, it was already 2:15 am. There were four rounds of vomits in total, and getting him to sleep involved an anti-emetic,  anti-pyretic and a medicine to help him sleep. DH's shoulders were aching from carrying him around.  - I had a 'consultation' - the stars, celestial bodies and works kind. The guy got it right on the nature of the crisis, pointed out the duration and inception of the current crisis, and some interesting insights on the kind of dreams I have. Nice, right?  I don't know what is more satisfying - whether to know what is ahead, or ...

I know I will come around to writing this, about this. And then I feel like I dont want to write. I want to share, but not write.  You know there are these intense movies where the protagonists always know what questions to ask, and that they always ask the most pertinent questions at the right spots. You know there are times when a person leaves, and then comes back saying that he/she felt like it, and the other person is in grave trouble and rescued by the return of the person who said that they were gone. I have been told that I had become distant in the past couple of years, That I chose to swim in and out of being connected or bothered with my relationship with the other adult in the house.  I still don't feel like I have actually digested the passing away of L. I can hardly tell you what I am doing right now.  I am reacting. I get angry at the children. I hate myself. I hate my body with some new found vengeance. Going to the gym helps getting out t...

M recently had an allergy that quickly spread to most of his face, torso, and his hands in the form of rashes. The initial lotion prescribed to him, to soothe the irritated skin had quite the opposite effect. It's almost a week since the first time we noticed the marks on his skin. There is an ongoing whinefest in the house since then. He is unwell, with his red skin that is itchy, a nose that gets congested during the night, colic, and irregular eating.  Figlia has not been at her best behaviour. Gracy took an extra day off.  M had an eye infection, and he is not fully recovered from the skin thing. He has been sleeping badly at night. and is very clingy.  (No, it is not meas.les) 

To whoever would listen, I like to tell that M has been a very expensive baby for me. For different reasons, every baby I gave birth to bit a chunk off my heart.

I am running my first periods of this year.  They came early, so I did not spend the two days prior to my periods when I am anxious about their arrival.   I started my gym membership in first week of January, and I have been mostly consistent with my attendance. I am not doing spectacular, but currently my focus is to make it a habit. I have been in a bad place mentally and emotionally, and I am still struggling.  However, my finest art is not falling apart at my worst . So, I am not taking any decisions in haste. Right around the time of what would have been L's birthday, DH and I disappeared for a very short trip. We left kids with Gracy and the grandparents, and the truth be told, that trip could not have happened at a better time, because I was just breaking inside.  Have you heard that statement, "Truth is stranger than fiction"? I can bet on it now. Except the flame is burning in my home. 

I stand in a hallway, see doors every where. I don't want to be in the hallway, but it is not an option. The doors go either ways, but no matter what door I open, my hands will be scorched. I am fuzzy. The question of how I got into the maze is still quarreling with my scheme to get out, and my brain is none the straighter. The maze is not interminable, but it ticks in a way I can't lay my hand on. It evolves itself.  The mirrors are not kind here. There is no way to hide those things which one is ashamed of. It is dark, but not dark enough. There is light, but not for illumination.  The children's voices call out. I hear other voices too. I am weary. I cannot think straight. I dont feel good. I feel dragged. I am free to move, but the movement is painful.  I think of Bree's mum's mask. I think of Fatal Attraction.  I think of Plath. ( Image credit: Mask finger painted by Figlia )

M walked independently for the first time last night. I am glad to have witnessed it.

Mel says that it is International Delurking Week. And I too would love to know who all are here. So please, whether you are a regular commenter or someone who reads but does not comment, I would just love a show of hands that says, "Hi Elsie, I am here." Maybe you can tell me a little bit of what you plan to do in 2016. Are you excited about this year? Or you may not answer and just leave a Hello. And thank you for being here. (Image taken from Mel)

My 38th birthday happened a couple of days before NYE.  I will call it a nice birthday...the last nice birthday happened in 2012 (a quiet dinner out, food was awesome).  This time everything could have been downhill, mostly because Figlia is again having an episode of upset bowels. But things were better than expected.  I have not felt special in a long time, and DH made a genuine attempt at 'special'. I came home to balloons in the hall, and a cake with my photo. Hubby came home before me, and was home all evening (which is a big thing in itself). Figlia, Hubby and I picked up M together. The four of us went for a drive. We had dinner at home. He made a surprise gift - a collage of me with the kids, us, and my parents.  It is good.  I checked his phone on reflex. No Molly.  I had been mulling over what word to work on for 2016, and I was thinking of Mindfulness. But I changed my theme.  For 2016, my word is gratefulness ....