My Lady of the Lantern

# Please skip this post if you are not in the mood for any sensitive/emotional heavy-duty stuff. One particular November I was preparing 'all guns out' to conceive. I was all out, and I jumped all hurdles listening to ' Perfect ' at all those jumps except....except for the last one barrier - that one hurdle that mattered the most to me. I was not prepared to fail. I processed it in shock, numbness, despair and disbelief. I grieved and mourned for the three babies I lost to my dumb body. And it was those three that I clutched to as my lost gems, till another bat hit me right on my face. A Sunday, not far from today, I was resting when I thought of the other six that did not make it. Look at me, I was so partial to the trio that I completely glossed over the other six lives I half-created. What if I had not failed? What if I had the triplets? The other six would still not have found me. I have never imagined having nine children. I created and managed to lose all of them...

…that it is almost a year to my IVF w/ICSI #1. …that I still feel sad that there were no second chances for me from that cycle. …that it still hurts that none of them are with me. …that I occasionally have very angry thoughts against God. …that when I am not very angry, I am upset with God. …that maybe in a certain time gap from now, I will understand why it happened the way it happened, but by the time I figure it out, I am likely to continue feeling like this. …of some technique by which it can be identified as to what path does the released egg take from the ovary to the fallopian tube. It can be identified whether ovulation occurred, but can it be identified whether the egg travelled into the fallopian tubes or not? …that what I realized on Friday was that the desktop wallpaper that I have had for the past fortnight happens to be ^WiseGuy^ Image Courtesy: http://media.photobucket.com/image/anne%20geddes%20wallpaper/Helenita35/Lenita/6q_2_AnneGeddes_Wallpaper03.jpg

Just a quick listing of everything I am swallowing this cycle and beyond. a. Syrup Gynova (and Tab Spermon for DH) b. Siphene 100 mg c. Folic Acid 5 mg (currently taking Folsafe) d. Zocon- AS KIT (Fluconazole, Azithromycin and Secnidazole Tablets) e. Diamet SR-500 (Metformin Hydrochloride 500 mg) f. Ecosprin 75 mg (divided into half…taken everyday, Acetylsalicyclic Acid) g. Duphaston (Dydrogesterone 10 mg) I have to continue Gynova, Diamet and ASA for three months. There are two combikits of Zocon, and me and hubby are expected to synchronize the once a day, three-doses medicine such that both me and him have the same M&Ms on the same day. I have a major problem with Ecosprin, especially about taking just half everyday, and so I am replacing it with some ASA (left over from my IVF days), and I have asked for even more ASA (which has to be swallowed whole and not in parts). Saves me the guaranteed bitterness. Also, even though my periods were expected to end on Thursday, they persis...

...that I would be a mother by today already? That this would have been the scheduled date for the birth of the baby... And had I been having all the three of them, they would be here already? ^WiseGuy^

I was expected to attend a friend's wedding tomorrow in City I . I had thought of taking an appointment with my doc for May 18th. Since I am not going to attend the wedding, the appointment is also delayed. Have to either squeeze it in remaining May or then go on in July, coz the doc would not be available in June. Is there a difference in the protocol lengths for IVF/ICSI? That is, if the first one has run for almost two months, will all the subsequent ones be of the same time slab as the initial? ^WiseGuy^

Other title for this post - Poster Girl of Subfertile Idiocy! Yes....that's what I feel. Tuesday, I went for a hush-hush blood draw - a quiet check on beta levels... I was scared of HPTs, so I fooled the bitch by going for the big kill. Today, the report came : You know what I feel? Can I begin to even use words? I have run out of abuses. Actually, I don't even care. I am. Hopeless. Miserable. Gloomy. Depressed. Stupid. Angry. Helpless. Hopeless. Miserable. Gloomy. Depressed. Angry. Helpless. Stupid. Hopeless. Miserable. Gloomy. Depressed. Angry. Stupid. Helpless. How could a girl who had to go up to the level of IVFwICSI think that she may have gotten knocked up the cheap, old fashioned way? ^WiseGuy^

For one, CPT is not hearing from me ....thanks for all the helpful comments. I have had mails to increase my manhood, buy Rolex replicas and purchase Viagra online minus any prescriptions. But I was not spam-prepared for a mail that invited me to write. Second, I am going to travel in May. In another of my previous posts , I had spoken of my travel what-if. I have decided that I am making the travel plans full-steam. If the trip gets scuttled, the reason will not be my what-if. Third, my doctor had asked me to not go for another round of IVFw/ICSI till March 2009. And that is what I had really planned then. But right now, I do not feel mentally up for such a cycle. I am thinking of not using any medical intervention till August 2009. That's all, folks! ^WiseGuy^

I am crying... as of now, my cheeks are wet following a breakdown I had, while in a phone chat with mom. My mother is now working as an OB/GYN with the same centre where I went for my IVF w/ICSI. Today she was chatting up a nurse (who gave me most of the shots and miscellaneous), and the nurse said that S must try and lose some weight. My mother told her that I was already on that path. That is it! That's when I just cracked with seething rage. I told my mother that if ever doctors or their associates give me this crackpot advice, I am going to ask them to write 5000 times , in their own handwriting: S will get pregnant for sure, if she loses weight. Since there is nothing else to really tweak in me, the commonest jab seems to be weight issue. Hell, I am seriously considering asking DH to start smoking, just to improve my chances! By my doctor's logic, some of my SILs should have never conceived (they did!), and druggie cousins should have been impotent and infertile for 400 ...

Time: Today Morning, when we were pseudo-ready to jump out of bed. Situation: A financial review of 2008 (not exactly a dream year in a lot of respects) DH: Mmm… and the price of that land is down x percent, and the real estate rates on that house have slipped y percent….and z month’s salary has been invested into the share market, so I can’t make a deposit out of it and can’t touch it for p years…. BTW, would you be doing IVF w/ICSI again this year ? Me: ( Mentally- Damn right, I will ). Of Course. But we are not to do anything till March, you know! DH: Last time it cost us $$$$$, and still there is no guarantee that it will work out this time. Me: ( Mentally – Yeah, but what if it does? ) There is no guarantee, but I am doing it. Momentary Silence… DH: There will be no savings this year. The last statement is too severe. But I did not want to cut in and spoil DH’s sense of financial calculation superiority complex . Frankly, I know that IF treatments are pinching us financially...

I am still in utter disbelief. I can’t understand what went wrong and where. I can’t ever understand these numbers. One particular IUI, a doc said that there was a 10 percent chance of success. I was mentally able to calculate the failure percentage, but I just could not comprehend the heartache of being in the rest 90 percent. This particular hospital I was with for IVF w/ICSI quoted a very high success rate (no, nothing phoney, that much is checked out). But again I just could not understand the grief of being on the other side of the success range. I just can’t absorb this in the first go. There were so many positive vibes and signs this time. I had my mother with me all the time. God can’t prove even her correct? I have always trusted her to have a deeper, truer, stronger bond with God. Does she feel betrayed? I do not know. I will never ask her this question as well. I could be in any amount of trouble, but if my mother stood by me, I always knew that everything will be alright....