My Lady of the Lantern

- My yawns make her giggle...must be my gorgeous mouth. - She has learnt to smack her lips. - And we are sticking our tongue out. Tongue in cheek, is this?

We are on a crying streak lately, exclusively related to our sleeping efforts lately. Figlia is not a crier, btw. If she is crying, there is some reason, and her Einstein mum has to figure out what is the source of the anguish. But the crying makes me nervous. I approach every last round of the night with trepidation, anticipating the crying. Wednesday night it was colic. Figlia is not a colicky baby either. But she does get down with it on rare occasions. Wednesday, we used a home remedy and a car drive for her to come to peace again. She fell asleep while coming back from the around-the-block ride, and remained so when I put her down. Last night, she had her last feed (formula), and then I got her ready for bed after burping her. She remained quiet, and got fidgety again, with very little sign of sleep. I tried to nurse her. She would not take it. We carried her to the sofa, with us, and there she was babbling, and then she began crying. Tricks, distractions failed till hubby ...

Thanks for the amazing comments on my previous post. Obviously, I won't deny her milk when she wants it. It's only that I was wondering about when the feeds become bigger in one go, and hence get spaced more. And obviously, I can't force feed her anymore than what she is willing to take. Except for one single time in the evening (when she wakes up from her nap and we go out for our stroll), she always has her next feed in an hour of her last one. Even if the previous feed was 125 ml, she will still ask for the next feed in dot one hour. When she wakes up in the evening, I do not give her the feed (and she does not ask for it)...we just bide our time till it is 6 o'clock, we go out and come back by 7. That is when our feed will happen (125 ml), then in an hour of that, she takes her next feed, and then give or take 20 minutes, she starts getting ready for bed (when she nurses again).

1) Till what age infants keep waking up for feeds at night? 2) My SIL told me that her kid was drinking more (her baby was 100 percent formula fed) in one feed and hence her number of feeds were way lower than mine. All in all, including the breast-feeding, Figlia takes 10 feeds (including two in the night). Is that really too many? In one go, she takes about 100 ml. Only one feed is of 125 ml.

Can I just say a squishy hug thank you for your comments on my previous post? The whole dilemma exudes from the fact that I want to work too and I want to be there for Figlia too. No, I can't settle for lower hours. The only thing I can negotiate is possibly less additional assignments (a norm at my workplace) and immunity from long meetings (another norm at my workplace; and they happen after-work). I understand fully the socialization aspect. I saw positive results in a kid that was kept in the creche, so I know. DH has already seen the place. Today evening, I too will be visiting the place, and working for a July placement for Figlia. From what I understand, most of the kids at the creche are 12 months plus. So, I am anxious about the fact that Figlia would be one of the very few under-one year olds there.

For Real... I am scared of standing on the scales. As a kid, I loved fresh cream over bread. Then I grew up, and weight and calories became a part of my vocabulary. The bread-cream combo did not mean much anyways because I actually forgot about it. Pregnant with Figlia, I began craving for bread & cream. It was okay during the pregnancy. Not so okay now because I keep wanting it. And I keep yielding to the craving. *** For Real... July is around the corner. My year-long leave is ending. My Director has already sent out feelers to me, asking me about my joining date. I am looking forward to, and not looking forward to it. *** For Real... Our nanny hunt yielded zero suitable options. We are considering putting Figlia in a day care centre. Even before this decision happened, I had already thought of the pros and cons of each option. At home, atleast one part of her environment would have remained stable - that is, the home. But I was not comfortable at the idea of...

Last night, we cried ourselves to sleep. By we, I mean dear daughter, and not the exhausted parents. It feels like I have to photo finish the sleep thing with her. As soon as the last bottle is done, we are on go-mode. If I get late, she gets distraught. She began to cry, and refused to nurse...even though that is the one thing she likes to do to go sleep. I perpetually keep looking for that last nail that will seal the deal for the night. We started the sleep dance at 2030...she would not settle at all. Hubby walked around with her...she kept her eyes wide open, and mouth yawning. We finally lay her on the sofa, so that we could eat and she could be around us. She seemed to have quietened down, and was thinking something when hubby managed to ask her a question. She got startled and began to cry - hot tears rolling down her cheeks! I picked her up and sat in the balcony...she remained fidgety...I tried patting her back...failed too. I then carried her in lateral positi...

Josey did a Father's Day post , and she underlined a very important thing in it. She said that whatever be the Daddy issues, she always remembers that they are first time parents and that the father loves the baby as much as the mum. The relationship is different, but it is a bond of love. I like to use that as a reminder. ---- Figzy rotated herself (on her back) intentionally to reach out to a particular toy yesterday. I was so proud of her. ---- A friend texted about the birth of his daughter. After the flurry of our exchanges then, things became quiet and I texted yesterday if everyone was home now from the hospital. I requested pics. There was no response. My mind went straight to the saddest possibility of why he might be quiet. Yup, that's me. Except he texted later in the day that he has been busy and will call up in a couple of days. Big sigh of relief. ---- Figlia spewed curdled milk in the morning and noon yesterday. She has been drooling more lately. (she ...

Saturday night we went to meet someone. It was necessary for me to be in the visitor party, otherwise I would have stayed away from it. I cautioned DH that we need to be back as early as possible. We left at 1915. When we reached the destination, the host's dog's barking freaked Figlia. The dog would not stop. After that crisis had been averted, Figlia's next piping was for milk, which was duly supplied (I gave her formula), and then 'begging-for-peace-so-that-she-could-sleep' happened. By 2030, Figlia was screaming sleep. I went away to a room to nurse Figlia and she finally fell asleep. But Figlia seemed to be superbly aware that the environment was different, there were crazy traffic noises and the dog was being a sweetheart. I had made her comfortable on my lap, and my legs had already begun to kill me. I gently eased her onto a pillow, and she woke up in five minutes straight. The hostess came to invite me for dinner. I asked them to start without me. I ...

SassyCupcakes asked - What has been your favourite moment as a Mum so far? What's the hardest part of motherhood for you? How do you balancing being a Mum with still being you? I think I have daily favourites - watching her sleep with peace written all over her face, her giggles, and watching her bond with her Papa. He just has to breeze into the room for her to stop doing whatever she is upto (feeding, playing) and watch her Daddy. Yep! My first chance of holding her and seeing her in the NICU will be a special moment for a lifetime for me. I have inherited a very special trait from my father - the need for instant gratification. I am a pleasure-seeker with no qualms. Why can't I have another ice cream right away? I want to watch the flick, why can't I do it immediately - just as the thought strikes.... it is not conducive as a trait for motherhood. Figlia's needs will always take priority over mine. And this was not told to me, but this automatically kicked in. So...

I iz going international. No, seriously? My stats show visitors from countries that never figured on my list - Thailand, Russia, a few European countries that were not on my list before this? Why this new interest, I do not know. Yes, my punctuation has gone to GabbaGabbaLand. If you could ask me a question, what would that be? And no, I do not promise to necessarily answer.

I talked of giving lentil soup to Figlia last week. I gave five teaspoonfuls of it on two evenings, that's it. I found that Figlia began pooping like crazy. She went up from 1-2 a day to five times a day. And no, it was not diarrhoea. I did not give her any beyond those two evenings, and I am going to sit out this week too. Maybe next week, with tiny proportions, we can start again.

The week gone by has been phenomenal Figzywise. She managed to pack in several firsts in those seven days. Figlia has begun responding to her name. She turned her neck to face me when I called out, and husband has been 'testing' it too. She acknowledges it! She began making new kind of noises. When she has turned to mush from my kisses, she shows it...she has a throaty laugh now...and will call out to her toys in the same babylese. I can tickle her! Not the feet, but tummy and under-arms tickling definitely gets her giggling. This has been happening since a while now. And well, we are still rolling sideways from our back or from belly on...but....but.... one morning, she just decided to raise her head while lying on her back, and she has been doing it with increased frequency. She can raise it a good five cms and more....I almost expect her to just sit up, just like that. She has been sitting supported for a while now. And she turned five months old today.

Today is special. Exactly on this date, two years ago, I broke my drought with a surprise first ever BFP. Exactly on this date, an year ago, I suspected a pregnancy, ending it with a surprise second ever BFP. Which translated to some dates running parallel in both the pregnancies. Bittersweet. 

It has become easier to mention CBub's name in the house. DH finally speaks her name. It is not that we would not talk of her, but there was always a chip, an edge, a split corner to any conversation involving her. Maybe it is because of Figlia, but we take her name in random conversations, and he does not change topics like he used to. I don't have to 'think' before uttering something related to her. He takes the name unprompted and can hold a dialogue, put her in context or just say something. It is only words...but they are relief. I would not have been able to just bottle up her name, or be able to just talk to some people about it or her. I am not claiming healing. I am claiming recovery. I think of her everyday.

Figlia has begun to notice trees...and she seems to love a few of them. I take her by the same route every day, and she tends to lift her head and stare at the sky, and become more intent under certain trees. (I carry her in my arms.) She has started making sounds that are different than her usual. And today the funniest thing happened - I copied her cooing, and it came out a bit scary (even to me)...and she began to cry. I apologized and calmed her...but oh God, in the nanosecond that I thought that I sounded right out of a cheesy horror flick, she had already reacted to it. She is still twisting herself to being on her side, but no rolling over on the belly has happened yet... Why do I feel that her milestone days are when she suddenly disrupts and enters a new thing...Wednesdays usually mean she will pull the rug on something, that is when we become a week older...or look at 11 of every month and there is some action happening!

I made coffee for myself yesterday afternoon. It is my first guilt-free coffee since June 2010. One morning two years back , I celebrated with cold coffee the fact that this would be my last coffee in a while. Since then, I have had coffee a few times, but it was never guilt-free. After losing CBub, I went to this place to get a frappé I like. And that was revenge coffee. It's just coffee. But since that morning of June two years back, it was only yesterday's coffee that was not attached to guilt or compensatory overtones.

Figlia had an eye infection end-April - watery eyes, lots of sticky stuff in her right eye. Her left eye remained clear. It took eye drops to clear out the infection. In May, I have seen that sometimes she wakes up with this gooey thing crusted on her eyelashes, and sticky stuff. That does not happen every day, but every now and then it does. I am scared that the ' blocked tear duct ' thing may be there. I am massaging to see if it clears...Her right eye was the persistent spoilsport, but today I found the goo in her left eye. Question: How worried should I be (that it could be a blocked tear duct)? It is not like she wakes up with it every day?   Her sleep schedule is fluid...she sleeps at the same time every morning (for 95 percent time, yesterday does not count). That time is 10:00 o'clock, give or take 5 minutes...but we could wake up at 11:30, or 12, or 1 or sometimes....rarely at 2. We remain active for two and a half fours after that approximately and then follow...

Continued in a huge sense from my last post.... I seemed to be on a perpetual sense of alert - standing on pins and needles all the time. I was scared that she would not sleep. I was afraid that she was about to wake up. I have stared through the darkness for a full half hour thinking she was about to wake up, when she actually did so much later. The anxiety was within me. It has taken invisible pills to calm me down. - - - I consider this phase as the exam time analogy (which you would know from one of my old posts). This will be better. And every day I am rewarded by a baby who responds and smiles to my actions. Marvel ! - - - I always dreamt of being medicine free after this baby business. Currently, that dream remains a dream. I want to go back to the me who did not need medicines for random stuff on a daily basis. - - - I still think of the babies I saw in the NICU when I visited Figlia. The corner baby with whom my baby orchestrated a crying symphony (they were partn...