My Lady of the Lantern

Nopes, Agnedy Fugnimima is nowhere to be seen. She was expected y'day morning. When I woke up, I was not 'feeling' as if she was about to show up. This month my CM mutation happened around CD22/23, a little later than CD16/17, so I am assuming that I ovulated late and so Miss AF would rather be showing up around the 2nd of Jan? That is my guess. My guess is as good as mine, and as bad as mine. *smirk* Just be here, okay? ^WiseGuy^

I can’t believe that I am at the brink of saying goodbye to this year. I think it has passed at incredible speed. 2008 did not end well for me. As I end 2009, I am not at a better status baby-wise, but I am emotionally at a firmer ground. In 2008 end I was still reeling under the aftermath of the IVFw/ICSI cycle, and I believe that for quite a large part of 2009, I struggled with it – trying to understand, ignore, find closure, turn angry or just submit to it. I can hardly remember crystal like what transpired in January, it is all hazy to me. I had planned for another IVF (as recommended by the doc) in March , but somehow I was not mentally prepared to do it. I put the date at August , and had the dictum from my research guide not come in, the cycle would have gone through. I was mentally and emotionally ready. In September, I let go of a chance to do IVF in the city where I currently live. The place where I reside has reasonable medical facilities but is sub-optimal for IF treatments...

...no September baby(s) for me. That still leaves October, November and December 2010! AF expected on Tuesday...let's get this party on board now! P.S. I had a funny moment with trying to POAS today. I have to remember not being too sleepy-brained next time. ^WiseGuy^

I opened my refrigerator to find my stock of the pee-sticks at zero. On 26th, I will buy myself the customary devils, coz I have resolved to test every cycle , no matter how vague my chances are. ************************************ This past week has witnessed me packing like crazy. Neighbours from the previous building popped up at random, enquiring my need to move during those two days of packing/shifting. One of the ladies was asking me about what other homes we had seen through for possible renting. I told her how we were stuck on finding a flat to live in rather than an independent house/bungalow for safety reasons (as DH tends to stay away from the city at sporadic intervals). She nodded in complete agreement at the DH-away angle. “And you don’t even have children, or that would have kept you occupied a bit.” She also wanted to know why we decided to move into a three bedroom apartment. Because I may reproduce. “Oh no other flat was empty, and this location is quite nice.” ( whi...

Oh God, I am so ready to be pregnant. ^WiseGuy^

It struck me when I was brushing my teeth today morning ( Yes, I CAN think when I brush ) that the flat I am moving into is in the same building as the first doctor I hunted (Dr. MA) here in G. I wonder how awkward or not awkward my first brush with her is going to be. ^WiseGuy^

Well, action night was only CD15 and CD17....I have had guests at home since then, and DH left again this morning. I have not been feeling good. I have been having blasphemous thoughts this past week. I have been thinking and pondering deeply over whether I want kids only because it is expected from me, or because I think it should 'have happened already', and such, and I am not decided. Sometimes, I am not sure what I want...this too will pass. But I really hope for the skies to crack open and get me out of myself sometimes . This weekend we will be shifting to another apartment, and I hope that I can get my Home PC up and running by Monday... but I am not too sure of that as well. I have been away from bloggyland most of this week, and it seems to be the scenario in the coming days as well. ^WiseGuy^

DH is returning home tonight, his visit cut short by two days. I am thinking this is good... CD15 for a 33-day cycler is not a bad time to have a little action...and since CM has not spiked yet, I think he is coming in good time. There may be a really faint flicker of hope for December yet. But Dear January, nothing will stand between me and my Clomid. ^WiseGuy^

Scene 1: Thursday Night Hello? Yes, what is your weight? What? Why? Oh, I was at ABC’s. I was writing down your history. What is your weight? Duh…PQ kgs. Ok! Bye! --Click-- Scene 2: Friday Morning …some topic… …some topic… You were sounding too rude last evening. And hey, BTW, when did you check your weight? I don’t really remember exactly when actually. Then how come you know it is PQ kgs? I don’t. I was approximating. The first scene starred yours truly and Mummy. The second scene starred yours truly and Prince Charming. I feel bad for my mother sometimes. She is cracking her head completely fretting over her daughter’s trouble. But I also not want to feel like being discussed with everybody in her allied community. I know the colleague she had been meeting up was also into IF busting arena, but still. I did not want to sound rude, but the realization hit me spontaneously, and my irritation crept in automatically. It feels like an awesome Cardiologist is aware of his child’s heart co...

Why do women start acting up when they are pregnant? Why do they believe that men cannot understand what they are going through, and that husbands are slaves? DH came fuming over a colleague's tale. I won't narrate the whole details of the incident, coz that would confuse you, but the story goes like this... hubby's subordinate's wife is expecting. That couple has been at loggerheads for about four-five days. The wifey and her hubby are playing one-up by shooting each other's suggestions down. This subord had seeked to share my domestic help for a while to relieve his pregnant wife a bit. He finalized the help, but when the hired help visited the home, the wife turned him down, just to spite her husband. What has happened is that, the couple had been driving down a road, and the hubby missed a pit, and the woman felt a very strong jerk. She is pissed off at her DH for being so careless. And the husband is pleading innocence, saying that he never meant to do so, that...

...in dreams... ...in judging the pram choice another couple made at a store... ...browsing through lines of baby clothes... ...thinking of the pink bunny and when it will be given... ...having gut feelings... ...thinking of 2010... ...hearing anecdotes from colleagues, friends and family, taking mental notes... ...asking SIL about why she prefers a certain brand of diapers to the other brands... ^WiseGuy^

No farmer adds fertilizer to a land he is not planning to seed. Decision made: No Clomid for me this cycle. I was in two minds over this. A… On one hand I thought that there was a chance of late ovulation ( no Mam, I have no rational explanation for that ), and that I was quantifying the number of hours an egg remains inside post ovulation, and how long a sperm stays alive, and I had this faint hope that sperms may catch the egg a little late but still may ( no Mam, I have no rational explanation for that too ). The other reason is that the history of the trip that DH is about to undertake is such that it has been cancelled/postponed in the past. So, if I were not to take Clomid, and DH has his plans scuttled on let’s say, December 4th, I am going to be pretty pleased not. B… On the other hand, it makes a lot of sense to not take Clomid, when there is likely to be complete missing action in the most crucial days. It does not make sense to poke the ovaries into turning bubble-o when not...

My guest of honour who was expected to reach me on 29th preponed the visit by three days. Even though I tend to Woohoo Whistle Welcome an earlier than usual arrival, this one arrival has left me calculating and reviewing my cycle plan. DH is going to be out of town from December 6th - 12th. Counting by my cycle days, he shall be out from CD11 to CD17, which is significant chunk of my harvest time. Given my plan to commence Clomid for 5 days from CD2, I now wonder whether it is worth it to do Clomid at all. Or that I should start it by let's say, CD4? Or I should just add December to another non-medicated TTC cycle? Questions. Questions. Questions. Thanks God. ^WiseGuy^

That egg was placed to be crushed under the tyre of the groom’s car as he set off for the Wedding Venue ( in Wedding 1 ). I captured the ritual and assumed that it was done as a sign of good luck. I carried the assumption in the second wedding as well, when the same was repeated in Wedding 2. My assumption came unfounded last night when hubby and I were returning home from somebody’s place. I asked him about why the egg had been so placed. The reason for the crushing was that at some point of time, animal sacrifice was done before any auspicious occasion to please the Gods. And now, rather than sacrificing animals, eggs are crushed as a symbolic mark of the same exercise. I was hit by the meaning. Crushing that egg guaranteed that there would be nothing productive or nextgen-ish ever coming through that one egg. What would you have felt at being a witness to that phenomenon? Had you not known the meaning what would your reaction be? Had you known the meaning, would you have felt any di...

...Yet! I POASed today morning and it was a single-liner. Off to AF-baiting on the weekend. ^WiseGuy^

A day before Wedding 1, I decided to wear my silver anklets that had not seen the light of day for several years. I wore the anklets for a day, and when I felt a lot of discomfort I removed them in the night, not continuing them the next day or the day after. That entire day, I bent and used my feet for all the usual walkathons/movathons. Recently, in Wedding 2, someone commented on the spots that were there on one side of my left ankle. When I examined the other ankle it had spots around the same area. I thought it was some allergy I developed to the silver. In a conversation on Sunday, I came to know that those tiny red dots were actually petechial hemorrhages...the reason why they had persisted for long was my ASA. Anyhoo, today morning I placed an order for Siphene(Clomid)100 mg, another month's course of Metformin and ASA. I am expecting AF to come visiting around this weekend. I would scream with joy if it does not appear for the right reason, and I would begin Siphene from D...

I promise that my post is not as classy as the brilliant title. I am through with the Wedding 2, and am about to depart tonight for my current-abode city. You know what happens when you are in a swarm of people...close, not-close, too-close, about-to-get-close, were-close, want-to-be-close, not-close-but-prying-close, moles. Oh, so you have been married how many years now? Six? Okay. And any Baba, Baby? *** Oh, so she is your niece. She is your SIL's daughter. Oh, but are you not the No. 2 DIL? Your SIL is No. 3 no? *** What girl? You are not planning or what? Then came another pearl. The next day of the wedding, my eldest BIL was lamenting that none of the brothers get together now like they once used to. With that thought, he said Oh come on, we must planning something soon, before these two (pointing at the newly-weds) get into the queue(i.e. have a baby on the way)... I was sitting there in the group and it struck that I was not counted in the likely soon-visitors of Babyland. ...

Gone away for a little while...will be back soon. You take care! ^WiseGuy^ Image Courtesy: http://daydino.blogspot.com/2009/09/enter-exit.html

* I am relieved to not be packing AF protection gear in my bags this time. One less thing to worry about indeed. * Thanks to reading it here and there, I have become very sensitive to my own EWCM pattern, and even though I do not have any ovulation pain, the gush of EWCM tells me what my body is upto. Atleast for the last cycle, I was aware. And this cycle too, I could distinctly make it out. The report card for this month is yet to be published though. * Metformin? I started waddling in the medicine slush beginning August 2009. Immediate to me starting Metformin, I spoke of how my loo trips had increased . Well, even though that part is subsided, there is one persistent thing that still is staying with me, and that is the bowel department has got a little screwed up – not good or bad screwed up, but adequately anomalous to the routine. I am not writing any more on this as it is very embarrassing, but it was important for me to document this as a side effect. * Another thing is that...

Every now and then, my blog has a tryst with its destiny when humans and bots from around the globe use technology to find the blog's contents. One such path of amazing trails was here ...Below is another choice selection of keywords: some funny, non-funny and profound!!! [:-)] " i'd discovered, after a lot" Oh my, the story of life it is! But not to fear coz I is here, and if you perseverevere you shall also discoveyerere...Seriously, how profound am I? vagina fotosearch of ladies of india What? Whhhhhhaaaaat? "mare's vagina". Get your gutter brain out of here. Now. somebody told me when i was a little kid ...that if I had too much chocolate, my teeth would go bad, and that if I swallowed seeds, fruit trees would grow in my stomach. You know? Like Jack and the Beanstalk... "every child wants to be borned" Sure. And children do not happen on their own....it is acts of people that make them happen. To be borned or not to be borned is a differ...

The bouquet is very special. Do you remember I had written a while back about my aunt's 75th birthday ? Well, my mother and lot of my aunt's family made the trip to celebrate her birthday, but one particular aunt could not ( she had an eye surgery in the offing ). My 'absent' aunt had also not been able to send a gift and while conversing with my mother on the day-before she spoke of how bad she felt for completely missing it out. The venue for the birthday celebration was a farmhouse tucked in the outskirts of a city. The evening before the birthday, my mother secretly spirited in a bouquet, and wrote a card, and had it 'delivered' on the D-day. Till date, my dear birthday girl believes that the bouquet had been ordered from across the oceans and delivered here. She was so happy to see that bouquet! Her smile on receiving the flowers made the day even more beautiful. ^WiseGuy^ The rest of the class is soaking sunshine here .

Contrary to how empty-headed I feel these days, Kristin(Kekis) believed in me enough to present me with an award she created. Thank You Kristin(Kekis) . However, before I tell you what it is, please go and give Kristin a virtual hug , as she had to cancel her IUI this cycle due to being diagnosed with the dreaded H1N1. And I would feel good if you left her jokes in her comment box...anything to make her smile a bit. [:-)] What she gave me is coined as Back in the Saddle Award and the details of the same are: Background: This award is given to bloggers that are "Back in the Saddle" of life. This may be someone who is undergoing medical treatments, restarting his/her life, resurfacing after a tragedy, or someone who is just trying to sport a new attitude. Recipients have an attitude of a fighter, strive to be a winner of the battle, and show determination. Rules: Post the award's graphic, background, and rules on your blog. Explain how you are "Back in the Saddle...

Hubby's stash of Spermon sits on the refrigerator top. He asks for more strips of the same once his set of 4 ends. Well, I have also the pleasure of trashing the empty catch covers, and torn down pieces of foil. Well, it struck me last night that he had not asked for any lately, and that I was being spared the bulky chore of trashing the useless. My mind was in a overdrive, and I suspected that he had shunned the drug as of-no-use and why-should-I . In fact, I was mentally prepared to be told that he won't be having the drug anymore. I waited for an opportune time to ask him about it. The time came and I enquired. Ugh. Just keep a fresh strip before I finish the last. OK? Whhhhoooppppie... he is going to have it. He was not hating the drug. He had not given up. To celebrate, Today Morning, I left TWO fresh strips rather than my usual next-one! Yay! ^WiseGuy^

...I should not forget to tell you what happened to the happy prospect of PCT . Well, I have decided to not do it. As many of the wise commenters have stated, I have already gone through techniques that completely overcome the CM issues. I do not feel the need to go for it till push comes to shove I have a more solid reason to do it and rather than just emotional arm-twisting. Tests must not be for tests' sake, coz these tests are tests and not art. Sad metaphor, but that's alright because along with my uterus, my grey cells have also become defunct. ^WiseGuy^

Dear Embabies, I still obsessively think of you. You keep flitting in and out of my consciousness constantly. Do you remember that this was the month? A little upset. But hoping you are going to be back soon. It has become a practice of increasing frequency for me to light three incense sticks every evening, and babies, you know it is you, your number, and your possibility I think of when I do that. I am a little choked right now, a little teary-eyed, but it is all right. The small lump in my throat will dissolve. Soon something else will occupy my attention, but for now, this moment , it is just you, my sweethearts. Much love. ^WiseGuy^

Even though several thoughts are swimming in my mind, I am not sure how coherently I can thread them into a post. Mostly, the news is that I am back. And yes, combining tampons and sanitary napkins helped me manage my periods well, because I could stay away from the loo for extended time periods. My periods should have ended on Saturday, October 31 but minor spotting persisted yesterday, and when I saw a fresh red stain today as well, I decided that I had had enough. So, with today's Metformin, I combined an Etosys-MF and no ASA, and Etosys has done its work. No spotting, no irritation and all. Weddings are a potent time to get fresh bruises. Luckily, I came out unscathed. The first day though, I and my SIL were halted by a neighbour at her gate ( while we were walking towards the groom's house ), and her blessing to me was "Bhagwan tumhari god jaldi bhare." i.e. Hoping God will bless you with a baby in your lap soon. Unwarranted, but true. The actual wedding did not ...

Will be Back Shortly! Everybody stay good and Happy Halloween. ^WiseGuy^ Image Courtesy: http://daydino.blogspot.com/2009/06/who.html

AF is here! Today morning, around 0840, I had a small smile externally and a big relief internally when I saw the spotting. It is three days early, and I believe that early is always better than late. I am also happy because the scheduled day of its commencement was also the bang-on day of Wedding 1 . I will still be 'down' when I attend the wedding, but with a lot less bleeding and infrequent ugh-I-must-go-check moments. I stopped for a second when I was about to swallow my ASA today ( not taken in periods coz it increases the bleeding ), and the logic I had was that, if maximum of the flow happens before I leave for City I, it would be even better. But guess what? Neither has my flow increased, nor am I having major discomfort yet. It is obvious that I now will have my next ASA only when AF goes away. Thank You God. Even though I crib against you a lot, there are times I really appreciate you, and this is one such occasion. ^WiseGuy^

I was leafing through a book at my mother’s place titled Intrauterine Insemination edited by Dr. Gautam Allahbadia. It has several articles, including a historical review on the subject by Dr. Adi E Dastur. I want to share the stories he has told about the incidence of Artificial Insemination in our history. He has spoken of Jeremiah, and Rachel, Sarah, Hannah, Michael and Women in the Abimelech’s household, along with Leah. He has also spoken of how Romans and Greeks appealed for divine intervention and added to it magic formula, songs and incantations. Dr. Dastur states that the tenet of insemination is documented in the Hebraic Talmud in the first 30 years of the second century. A very interesting tale is of an Arabian who during the Arabian hegira in 1322 used insemination on his mare. He left a wad of wool in the mare’s vagina overnight, and then in the cover of darkness had his rival’s prize stallion sniff it. Excited, the stallion ejaculated on a cloth that was kept ready to re...

My MIL's brother came visiting an hour back. His son is about to be married (one of the two major family weddings scheduled this season) and he was out and about distributing invitation cards to the wedding/reception. He asked my mother for tea. And when she got busy, he assumed his this-is-a-great-thing-I-want-to-tell-you pose and began: "Chuck out everything you have been doing. Go to the Big-City. Go. They have the best doctors." Yes, Okay. Alright. How can I chuck out everything? Who will give me back my five years? [A little history though: This fellow lost his first two sons post-birth, ( born living but died within five days of birth ) and the third one survived with great difficulty, but survived. The factor was that wife was Rh negative, or something like that and it was managed in the third try, which was in the Big-City. But that was in the 1970s!] He loves me and he cares for me. And he did not mean any harm by saying it, but what he suggests has little merit...

Hey Mom, did they go for a PCT? ...mother turning around... Who Who? ...me pointing fingers... These Beggars. ...a family of streetdwellers, oldest less than 8 years old and youngest a few months old; four-five kids; two adult males, two adult females. No Response. ------------------------------------------------------------- Have you ever wondered why sperm count is such a hyped up number when the trophy sperm needs to be just one? Why God has so many of them swimming towards the subway when it will be just one in a million that may catch the train? ^WiseGuy^

# Thursday, October 15, 2009 I woke up to a live dream. I baked a cake for my daughter's first birthday and was discussing whether to ice the cake or not with my husband. I was not in favour of the icing, because I thought the cake looked beautiful even minus that, and my hubby thought that it would look even better with the icing. But I remember the little girl distinctly. She had a full head of black hair, she was tiny and delicate looking and had a light wheatish complexion. She was so light to carry. In fact, she was smaller than the size of an average one year old. And she had a name: A- . I actually woke up happy. ^WiseGuy^ P.S.: 1. I do not bake cakes, for the lack of knowing how to bake them. 2. I have never had named children in my dreams, and the name A- is not in my consideration list at all.

...for a little more time than 60 seconds. Be good everybody! ^WiseGuy^ Image Courtesy: http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/funny-pictures-cat-is-wasting-away-and-needs-cheeseburger.jpg

And they are not even crazy. I am being egged to get a Post-Coital Test done. The person I trust here in City G is also a cousin of mine. It is her hospital I go to when I am to do my things here. Somehow, the EQ ( Embarrassment Quotient ) in these tests just keeps on getting higher and higher. I am hurt to have somebody hounding me at all places. First of all, the idea that s#x makes babies got chucked out, and now I have to get ready to allow medical voyeurism as well? Have s#x and spread your legs, honey! I feel sheer disgust. There is a mental block I am experiencing over this. First of all, I am not happy to be in this position. Second, I feel it is very violating, and thirdly, I do not see how easily DH would agree to this. One of things that I have been very happy about is that DH has mildly cribbed, but never gone back on his promise of SA. But to ask him to ‘perform’ like that, when we are just dogs in an open cage, is pathetic. It is tough to break somebody’s resistance, when...

Saturday was a very busy day for me, being the first day of our annual three day fest. I cam home around 2000 Hrs. and checked my mobile to find two missed calls from my mother. My mother never gives up. An ex-assistant of a very famous Infertility Specialist in a Real-Big-City has recently become her neighbour and my mother had taken my file to her for a peek. As usual nothing burning comes out from the file. But the fragmentation in the embryos seems to be the only clue. The doctor recommended a few tests. My mother asked me to get the tests done. I told my mother in an equanimous voice that there was nothing on this front that I wanted to do in October - November. My mother told me that if I got the tests done at my own end, we would be able to take it from there in December. I began to lose it really. See, my mother does not get the point. I don't want to do anything in October and November! Next, my mother told me that the lady angel had advised her that lifestyle change reall...

Mai of Salvageable gave my blog the Over The Top award ! Thank You Mai! There are certain rules that I need to follow to get to eat it, and they read as: 1. you can only use one word! 2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers 3. alert them that you have given them this award! 4. have fun! 1. Where is your cell phone? Table 2. Your hair? Brown-Black 3. your mother? Spiritual 4. Your father? Funny 5. Your favorite food? Non-Vegetarian 6. Your dream last night? An Office-Event 7. Your favorite drink? Pepsi 8. Your dream/goal? Disneyland 9. What room are you in? Drawing Room 10. Your hobby? Reading 11. Your fear? Snakes 12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? With-kids 13. Where were you last night? Home 14. Something that you aren’t? Skinny 15. Muffins? Chocolate 16. Wish list item? Tattoo 17. Where did you grow up? Land 18. Last thing you did? Spoke 19. What are you wearing? Attitude 20. Your TV? Movies 21. Your pets? Morris and Giccha Piccha 22. Friends? Useful 23. Your life? T...

Her: So, how many years has it been? (Reference: Married Life) Me: Almost six years! Her: Wow! You don't look like that at all. So, you must have a baby? Me: Nah! But we are thinking of planning for one now. Her: ....Smiling.... Me: ....Smiling.... ^WiseGuy^ Situation: Casual chat with a new joinee...we had travelled together overnight to attend a meeting at some place.

There are a few bloggers that I want to thank for the goodies that they sent my way. It made my day to receive them, but beyond that, the goodies remain with me to cheer me everyday. ## Kekis from Fertile Ramblings : She sent me a pomegranate bracelet – the colour of infertility sisterhood, a thread of love. Even though she had hosted the giveaway, her sister had made the bracelet, and so I would like to thank both of them. ## Kristin from The Fertile Infertile : Well, I got a with-attitude cat, Garfield and Scooby-Doo from her. The latter has been rechristened as Odie. One of my favourite posts that she does often is the Adventures of Gabeycakes. I would like to thank Kristin for sending me the two, they are for keeps! ## Sassycupcakes from Over the Rainbow : She played Santa Claus literally. All I did was help her pick up the winner, and I got two packages in gifts from her! One was the yum-scented soap, and the other package had: chocolates, a sample toast spread and a Koala! Tha...

I asked: X, am I infertile? I was told: No. It is a matter of time. Everything is a matter of time. How much is enough time? How much is not much time? Is the statement denial? Or is it a failed attempt to console? Is the statement an encouragement to persevere? Or is it relying on hope? Is the statement meant to wriggle harmlessly out of the anguish? Or is it meant more to convince oneself rather than the enquirer? What would your take on the reply be? [Especially, when you know that the person saying that (a) loves you a lot and (b) is expected to handle people more professionally, (c) is now being forced to face the fire not from a stranger, but by close family.] ^WiseGuy^

AF arrived yesterday evening. Bloggers, Aaafra Faafra is visiting me. Tweetypies, Agnedy Fugnimima has come! Am glad that she did not act up on me this cycle. I would have wanted an alternate scenario, for it to not have arrived at all. But, not being pregnant and not having the periods is horrible. The other thing is that unlike the medicated cycle in September, I won’t be doing Clomid in October and November. I had to decide on this fast because AF was here, and the cycle day count had been reset. I think doing round after round of ovulation inducing medication had contributed to the cyst (now disappeared, thankfully) and I do not want to make the same mistake again. I want to be more precise in terms of when I want to use these medicines. If I had an iota of hope that I would be able to manage timed s#x these two months, I would have given Clomid a shot, but I know that it won’t be possible. We would be travelling, or spending time with his family, or attending the two major w...

…that it is almost a year to my IVF w/ICSI #1. …that I still feel sad that there were no second chances for me from that cycle. …that it still hurts that none of them are with me. …that I occasionally have very angry thoughts against God. …that when I am not very angry, I am upset with God. …that maybe in a certain time gap from now, I will understand why it happened the way it happened, but by the time I figure it out, I am likely to continue feeling like this. …of some technique by which it can be identified as to what path does the released egg take from the ovary to the fallopian tube. It can be identified whether ovulation occurred, but can it be identified whether the egg travelled into the fallopian tubes or not? …that what I realized on Friday was that the desktop wallpaper that I have had for the past fortnight happens to be ^WiseGuy^ Image Courtesy: http://media.photobucket.com/image/anne%20geddes%20wallpaper/Helenita35/Lenita/6q_2_AnneGeddes_Wallpaper03.jpg

On my recent weekend trip, I got to spend time with one of my SILs who I really adore. She and her husband have chosen to remain childless voluntarily, and I know for a fact that she is not an infertile. We met after a long long time...almost 10 years! And we got talking. And even though she did not outright discuss my troubles, we did end up talking about my IF. I do not allow too many people IRL to hold a conversation with me with regards to my efforts to have a baby. Humour and Wisecracks are my usual defence. Well, none of that happened with her. I did not even cry. She did not even ask me how long I had been in the rut. But she permeated the knowledge that I have been in the reins, and she knew it. But she told me that she appreciated how busy I kept myself. That was something I did not counter at all. Because, everybody should keep a part of their illusions about me. I do not keep busy to forget about Infertility, I actually keep busy because I like it that way. Also, every day, ...

She woke up to find that the house was empty. She walked around and revelled in the absence of her evil stepsisters. Her dining room was lonely-looking. She sat at the table, tapping her fingers. Maybe this was the right time. She stood up and opened the window....the creeper had still not flowered yet. Hmmm....she wondered. She reached for the cookie jar and quickly grabbed one. A clean bite into the cookie, she realized that there was a tiny paper set into the cookie centre. She opened the paper and it read: "This Lottery Ticket Did Not Win." ^WiseGuy^

Saturday morning a cousin was showing me random pics of the family when he showed the pic of his niece’s recent born son. The baby has a name that I had mentally finalized for my baby boy. No this is not stealing. This is not having babies to assign those names to first. And it reminded me so of a post by BabySmiling . Her question was almost prophetic. ^WiseGuy^

Q: How many brunettes does it take to change a light bulb? I plan to POAS on either 22nd or 23rd . I strongly contemplated whether I should whisper my plans so loudly lest I jinx my chances, but I know that if it has to happen it will, and if it does not have to happen, nothing will make it fall in place. So here it is, my royal plan for the whole universe to know. And I am glad that I will be away on the weekend for a short trip to J, because that will leave me with little time to ponder over the impending event. I found the navel scar of my laparoscopy irritated. I kind of scraped the peeling skin with a nail, and it just got worse. I have sloshed my navel with Aloe Vera lotion. My belly button is spouting aloe vera. A strange situation befell me today evening. I was at a chemist’s buying myself a couple of HPTs, and one of the brands he gave me read – Unwanted . The other brand is my usual – Makesure . I actually bought one Makesure and one Unwanted . The latter was cheaper. And be...

It kicked in that on September 13, 2009 I had completed five years of my dragon quest for becoming a mother. What kind of an anniversary is that? The Five Year Itch? If Marilyn Monroe would have starred in this saga would she have screamed blonde jokes? Hmmm....maybe I should come out with brunette jokes? Sometime in 2004....I swallowed my last birth control pill, thinking no more preventing .... Five years for a bloody baby of my own? Five years of freckin' waiting for Baby #1? Can you read into the text and see that I am still talking of the baby in ordinal terms, and not absolute terms....I am not saying one...that I am referring to it as the 'first'.... Hmmm...as disjointed as I am getting...I had wished hoped for planned for Baby 1 to happen by the time I was 30 and the Baby 2 to happen by the time I was 32-33. That would have ensured that I had finished adding to my family by the time I was 35. I will be 32 in December....I started at the right time....I was 26 wh...

I have thought about removing you from the regular bag. You better give me something To fill the hole Before I sputter out In fact, when I switched bags recently, I held you in my hands and thought of whether to? Life is white and I am black I catch your glimpse, standing in the parking lot, hunting for the keys. I catch your glimpse, scouring for appropriate currency notes to hand over to the shopkeeper. This paint by numbers life is fucking with my head I catch your glimpse, in attempting to find a pen. I catch your glimpse, looking for my diary, to take notes. I catch your glimpse whenever I empty the whole bag for a crap sorting endeavour. Life is hard and so am I I catch your glimpse, whenever I try to take out a comb, safety pins, lip gloss, or ATM cards… You are always there. Guess who is living here With the great undead Dear that-one-ultrasound-picture , are you not expected to fade away? Novocaine for the soul Before I sputter out ^WiseGuy^ Lyrics: Novocaine for the Soul by T...

Today is CD20. This past Monday to Wednesday, I finished Zocon AS-KIT in sync with hubby...and already started with the ASA...and since yesterday I have also started the Duphaston (to be continued for 12 days)...All of this is in addition to the Diamet (Metformin) I am swallowing. There is one really nice thing that has happened...and that is that I can see my toes the way they are....bloating has reduced...and I feel lighter. Actually it was the fitting of certain clothes that I had noticed first...then came the realization that overall I am peeing more frequently...And then I kind of observed my body parts...but the best thing is that the bloating is reduced! ^WiseGuy^

This Show and Tell , I am making you see the effect of cosmic disco-lights that can make the same scene look so starkly different. The first pic is: And the second pic is: And both the pics were clicked on the same evening...within 20 minutes of one another (date was July 8, 2009). ^WiseGuy^

Getting struck with something you did not presume to exist in your mind is a strange feeling. Or perhaps getting struck boldly with something that sometime crossed your thought field is a strange feeling. I was getting congratulatory phone calls from some family yesterday over something, and at some point then...I was thinking that perhaps I am not a mother, because I really do not actually have the mental make-up of a mother. Longing for a child is fine...but I can play when it plays, and when it poos, I still have the privilege of handing over the baby to the caretaker, but maybe I just don't have the stamina of living with the reality of the dream I think I want but I may be wanting it just because I do not have it. It is a very scary prospect. I thought about it and immediately corrected myself. I tried to bring myself to my senses, but I was thinking at the previous moment too. I was in my senses even then. Getting my PhD would open even more career growth avenues for me. Wha...

DH came back home from the other city. Me: I have been taking Combiflam for the past three days. DH: Why? Me: Because of this...pointing down under. DH: That's what I keep on telling you...we have to have s€x more often. Last time we did only once, and see what happened. Me: What? Gotta love my husband's simplemindedness. I apologize to anybody who may have been led on to believe that prolonged use of sanitary napkins is the actual source of my woe. ^WiseGuy^

Warning: This IS a TMI post. For those of you who have been tracking my blog, you must be aware that most of August, and a large part of July was spent on me obsessing about my AF. Well, at whatever date the AF was expected, I started with a practice which is usual for me, and that was to wear protection in case, AF comes all of a sudden. Well, waiting became way longer than expected, and even though I spared my vayjayjay any friction after coming home (from the office), I finally had an all-timer session the last 8-9 days of August. Why am I telling you all this? Coz I developed something like an allergy...deep red colouring, inflammation and pain...and it is not a very pleasant sensation. If I lose this cycle because of some infection, well I might as well have saved up the Clomid. Why do I have to have these W-T-royal-F situations? ^WiseGuy^

This show and tell, I have something really exciting to share with you - two poems that are very close to my heart. The first one has fury-unrestrained of a broken heart, and the second one is sensuous, and very much so. Poem I – by Anna Akhmatova – You Thought I Was That Type You thought I was that type: that you could forget me, and that I'd plead and weep and throw myself under the hooves of a bay mare, or that I'd ask the sorcerers for some magic potion made from roots and send you a terrible gift: my precious perfumed handkerchief. Damn you! I will not grant your cursed soul vicarious tears or a single glance. And I swear to you by the garden of the angels, I swear by the miracle-working ikon, and by the fire and smoke of our nights: I will never come back to you. Poem II – by Orhan Veli Kanik – Spread Out She's spread out; Her skirt pulled up slightly; She's lifted her arm, one can see her armpits; And with one hand she's holding her breast; I know, she thin...

Just a quick listing of everything I am swallowing this cycle and beyond. a. Syrup Gynova (and Tab Spermon for DH) b. Siphene 100 mg c. Folic Acid 5 mg (currently taking Folsafe) d. Zocon- AS KIT (Fluconazole, Azithromycin and Secnidazole Tablets) e. Diamet SR-500 (Metformin Hydrochloride 500 mg) f. Ecosprin 75 mg (divided into half…taken everyday, Acetylsalicyclic Acid) g. Duphaston (Dydrogesterone 10 mg) I have to continue Gynova, Diamet and ASA for three months. There are two combikits of Zocon, and me and hubby are expected to synchronize the once a day, three-doses medicine such that both me and him have the same M&Ms on the same day. I have a major problem with Ecosprin, especially about taking just half everyday, and so I am replacing it with some ASA (left over from my IVF days), and I have asked for even more ASA (which has to be swallowed whole and not in parts). Saves me the guaranteed bitterness. Also, even though my periods were expected to end on Thursday, they persis...

I Exhaled . And this is what it came to. ^WiseGuy^

I recently read this at a blogger’s vent: X days away from the negative beta. I was quite struck with the expression, and it did make me grin. How sure are we? Anyhoo, today is CD5. Yesterday was my first day of Siphene 100 mg. [ Siphene is what is known to you as Clomid .] Good Girls start that on CD2 right? I got told on CD3, and I got the medicine on CD4, which explains why I was off at such a snail-rocket start. I have also had a medicine flush…and I am going to list out everything I get to savour, once I really am able to get the entire prescription filled. One thing that I have started since Tuesday is Syrup Gynova , which is a herbal formulation that improves among other things, the oocyte quality. And DH is getting a lot of love from Tab Spermon (The outer flap reads: The Spermatogenetic and Natural Anti-oxidant for Male Functional Infertility.) I am not sure if Spermon and Gynova are going to be of any help, but because they are purely herbal, there won’t be any unwanted s...

My tweetbaiters are aware that I hate ads of emergency contraceptive pills. Recently, there has suddenly been a slew of ads in the prime-time that sing paeans to the same. Companies have come all out and are using different positioning strategies to talk about the benefits. And somehow the message that comes through always is that have unprotected sex and have the pill immediately after to avoid pregnancy. WTF? Two companies are currently hogging all prime-time TV spots racing to be market leaders in this segment. What totally plooked me was a third company's ad I caught yesterday. These ads are raw - they talk of the insecurity from unsafe sex, the omigosh of an oops pregnancy, and the ease of preventing the later oops. But nowhere do the ads say: 'DO NOT HAVE UNSAFE SEX'. or 'DO NOT USE THE PILLS AS A MATTER OF HABIT.' or 'ABSTINENCE' or 'THERE CAN BE UNDESIRABLE SIDE EFFECTS OF USING THESE PILLS.' or 'THE MAN DOES NOT GET PREGNANT, THE WOMAN B...

Affycat, Affycat, where have you been? Had you been to London to visit the Queen? Affycat, Affycat, what did you do there? Did you get Brown to speak to Blair? CD2 today. You may kiss my hand . ^WiseGuy^

Sometime in the ending of the previous century, I used to occasionally meet this old man who also happened to be a sometime faculty of mine. I was not alone in doing so. I would always end up being one in a crowd of 20-30 people. There was no agenda. He was a good orator and he taught well, and he also counselled. I was not close to him. But I liked him. One evening, he had an exercise for us. He gave us words and we were asked to form sentences from them - the first thoughts that came to our mind. We got words - I, Friends, Home, Love.....,Life.....S€x...... And I still remember what I wrote for S€x. What I wrote then is not the point. What I thought about it, and what importance or worth I ascribed to it , is in fact the point. Given the fact that I still had not been initiated into it, is also the point. What I wrote then was purely perception based rather than experience based. But then finally one actually gets to do it. And then someone finds out about being subfertile. And ...

Hey people! Have got some pretty pictures from the weekend trip to the in-laws. What you are about to see are all flower bearing creepers. First up is: Madhumalati . Madhumalati blossoms in their deep red colour can take away the 'drab' from any space. Also, its fragrance does something delicious to any breeze caressing it. Needless to say, it is often set up to grow near entrances or windows. It has beautiful buds (as if a painter has just dipped them in a jar of colour/ or like the wand of a lipstick). The other flower I captured is Aparajita . Aparajita has no scent. The commonest colour I see is cobalt blue. The other two colours known to me are yellow and white. But this shade of blue really is the prettiest. Aparajita bears flowers throughout the year. And BTW, Aparajita literally means ‘undefeated’. The last pic I am about to show is you is locally called as Badakh Bel . Bel means creeper….and well badakh literally means duck. So, why is the creeper called as Badak...

CD68. Need I say more? Of course! My uterus is developing a personality and determination of its own. This is not the first anovulatory cycle that I have had, but I am submitting this cycle to the Herself Book of World Records . My last dose of Duphaston (Progesterone) and Pregnistar was done away with on the night of August 15th. Yet, my uterus refuses to budge. I am sitting ducky for 2 more days, and then quacking will begin. Loudly. Edited to add: All the P got sucked into my b@@bs, I suppose. My nipples are really sore. ^WiseGuy^

On the heels of my inordinately lengthy post on traversing the doctor jungle , comes this inordinately lengthy post that puts into words, dreams that I have had, and which I have found as directly connected to my fertility. I did not begin by thinking that dreams are messengers, nor did I ever go for scientific long-drawn analysis of what I saw while asleep. Readers of the blog, who have been reading it for at least a while, would know that I tend to remember what I see in my dream, or atleast the important dreams stick around in my woken-up state as well. As was the nature of Good Doctor Hunting , this post is also an effort to tie down all the different dreams that I have had, and the ones that I still have in my memory. And do read the post in your leisure time, not in a hurry. Maybe some of you would be able to explain me some symbolisms or meanings rooted in your cultural background. *** My dreams border on the bizarre side. Skip the post in case you are too sensitive, can’t hand...