My Lady of the Lantern

...is what I say when I sit down to write down and forget what it was I wanted to title the post. Have you ever wondered about the difference between motherhood and the idea of motherhood? Those of us who have not had this easy to achieve and then have, has it ever felt that the dream we were running after and what it actually encompasses is different (in any degree)? I am not painting it in strong colours of black and white, just a random surge of thoughts in either direction would be good. Would love to hear your opinion on this. Also, here is a 31w5d belly shot of yours truly. I had a mini-adventure transferring the pic from the camera to my PC, wherein I landed on my bum. Ouch! I was instantly *oh-no & egad* and prayed hard for nothing adverse to have happened. So far, I am good. And speaking of adventures , what would you like to do?

…continued from previous post… I think that I am so in-reined with battling infertility, that I do not know what I will do with being pregnant or the kid himself/herself. I do not dwell on this aspect too much, because I have an inkling that I would be *virtually* jumping with joy if I find that I am finally knocked up. But tell me, is pregnancy the same thing for an infertile as a fertile? Is the protruding belly of an infertile gazed at the same way as the qualified others? Would I be more nervous, more tight-knotted and more on the edge all the time? Frankly, I would love to live through pregnancy like her . She was an ideal because she tried to make it as normal as she could and I love that totally. But I am a different person, and my sides will reveal only when my IF-tainted body decides to enjoy the fruit of life. Secondly, my infertility would make my own family process my new status in different ways. The way I would be ‘looked after’ would be starkly different from the caring...

My cruddy self is out, so bear with me. I was feeling very licked after this last BFN. It should not be any different. After all, I have made it a habit to belt out BFN after BFN after BFN like clockwork. But then something happened. It is all in the mind, you see. I have been frolicking in a dark blue and green sea. It is shaded with lime and violet and red. It is pink and orange. It rises and heaves and grasps at everything. I am floating effortlessly. Wednesday night, I spoke to my mother....after a four day break (the break was not deliberate). I asked her to sing out the whole conversation she had with Dr. Bigshot. It is since that call that I am floating in the sea. I am not swimming, and I am not drowning. You see, the doctor wants to meet once before he can chart out some course of action. Any such hint would have me irate, but I don't know what broke in me, and I just was tempted to try it out. My stuckheadedness did not knuckle in at all. BabySmiling had asked how far wo...

Saturday morning a cousin was showing me random pics of the family when he showed the pic of his niece’s recent born son. The baby has a name that I had mentally finalized for my baby boy. No this is not stealing. This is not having babies to assign those names to first. And it reminded me so of a post by BabySmiling . Her question was almost prophetic. ^WiseGuy^

So, this is a continuation of this post . Questions that I posed there became a part of another stellar TT post by BabySmiling . And I totally am in awe of how well she articulates her opinion. Before I begin saying what came out for me through your comments, I would like to replicate a part of my comment that I left on BabySmiling's post....so that there is no confusion about what I expected from the reciprocity. Quoting from BabySmiling's: "Wiseguy talked about the frustration that can come from commenting regularly on someone’s blog yet never hearing back from them via comment or email. After a while, she gives up and stops reading, as do ...." Quoting from my response on her blog: "Bless my sweet heart. Nopes, I haven’t stopped reading at all (my last stop on hers was yesterday), but yes, now I no longer leave comments (that’s my devil side)." And if you have no idea about what the post is about, then you should really perhaps go back here and read it in...