My Lady of the Lantern

I can’t believe that I am at the brink of saying goodbye to this year. I think it has passed at incredible speed. 2008 did not end well for me. As I end 2009, I am not at a better status baby-wise, but I am emotionally at a firmer ground. In 2008 end I was still reeling under the aftermath of the IVFw/ICSI cycle, and I believe that for quite a large part of 2009, I struggled with it – trying to understand, ignore, find closure, turn angry or just submit to it. I can hardly remember crystal like what transpired in January, it is all hazy to me. I had planned for another IVF (as recommended by the doc) in March , but somehow I was not mentally prepared to do it. I put the date at August , and had the dictum from my research guide not come in, the cycle would have gone through. I was mentally and emotionally ready. In September, I let go of a chance to do IVF in the city where I currently live. The place where I reside has reasonable medical facilities but is sub-optimal for IF treatments...

No farmer adds fertilizer to a land he is not planning to seed. Decision made: No Clomid for me this cycle. I was in two minds over this. A… On one hand I thought that there was a chance of late ovulation ( no Mam, I have no rational explanation for that ), and that I was quantifying the number of hours an egg remains inside post ovulation, and how long a sperm stays alive, and I had this faint hope that sperms may catch the egg a little late but still may ( no Mam, I have no rational explanation for that too ). The other reason is that the history of the trip that DH is about to undertake is such that it has been cancelled/postponed in the past. So, if I were not to take Clomid, and DH has his plans scuttled on let’s say, December 4th, I am going to be pretty pleased not. B… On the other hand, it makes a lot of sense to not take Clomid, when there is likely to be complete missing action in the most crucial days. It does not make sense to poke the ovaries into turning bubble-o when not...

# Thursday, October 15, 2009 I woke up to a live dream. I baked a cake for my daughter's first birthday and was discussing whether to ice the cake or not with my husband. I was not in favour of the icing, because I thought the cake looked beautiful even minus that, and my hubby thought that it would look even better with the icing. But I remember the little girl distinctly. She had a full head of black hair, she was tiny and delicate looking and had a light wheatish complexion. She was so light to carry. In fact, she was smaller than the size of an average one year old. And she had a name: A- . I actually woke up happy. ^WiseGuy^ P.S.: 1. I do not bake cakes, for the lack of knowing how to bake them. 2. I have never had named children in my dreams, and the name A- is not in my consideration list at all.