My Lady of the Lantern

Hope you all have a wonderful 2009! All the very best! ^WiseGuy^

Monday: It’s night time. A session of lovemaking is in progress. On my side of the bed lies a copy of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. On his side of the bed, there is a copy of Robin Cook’s Outbreak. We are close to a fine conclusion, when I mentally work upon – “Hmmmm…will my child prefer Robin Cook over Plath?” . Can I see your jaw dropping here…just wait! Tuesday: We are returning home after dinner. Turn on the radio to find a beautiful track playing. I liked the song a lot when that particular movie released and over the period of time, try as hard as I could, I was not able to recall its first line. So when the song came on, not only did I not give it all my ears, but I also started wondering why did I forget to scout more the last time I thought of it. Then I start wondering about whether I should set it as my dialer tone? (Dialer tone is the music heard by anyone calling my mobile number). Then I think that since the song is about a mother searching for a son she has lost, people...

I have nothing to tell. Swim back ! ^WiseGuy^

Elana gave me an award… see that pretty badge ..see see? The rules for this one are to admit my 5 addictions and then pass it on to 5 bloggers… #1 Chocolates – the darker the better. I can have chocolates at any time of the day. I do not like white chocolate unless the brand reads – Lindt! #2 Books – I enjoy reading a lot! My hobbies have changed a lot since the time I was a kid, but reading is the one hobby that has stuck on! #3 Desperate Housewives – Yeps, I can scuttle a plan of an outing, if the timing coincides with the show timing. I also tend to have the TV on when I am in the house, even if I am not actively watching it (in such cases, it is either music or news that plays). (Please do not judge me intellectually over this). #4 Keeping my nails short – I hate to have dirty nails and I can’t handle long nails either. Convent schooling has to be thanked for it! #5 Quirky Cleanliness – Any kind of smell on my hand, go wash! Dust, go wash! Had food, go wash! Also my study tabl...

As I end this year and stand at the entry of a brand new milestone in TTC battle, I think it is necessary to recap what this year brought for me. I began this year with cipher. And though there is no baby in my arms, I am not ending this year with a cipher . This year has been eventful. My lap and D&C happened this year. For a long time, I had a hard time convincing my own mother (also a doc) that ‘we’ may have a fertility problem. She was one of the last persons to realize this. I used to have super periods. I was lucky to be having them regularly and predictably. This year, my periods were regular but unpredictable in terms of actual dates. Most of them had me in pain . There was heavy bleeding and in some cycles, prolonged bleeding. I had just come out of Anti-Koch’s this year (six-month medicine course ending in Jan 2008). Overall, I will say that my general sense of well-being has been shaky for the past 18 months. When I started anti-Koch’s, I had an almost arthritic pain i...

Wondering what that title means? Not to fear, because Show and Tell is here! This is a pic of my SIL’s daughter, S (taken in end-October). At that point of time, she was still learning to turn herself and sitting with support. This picture is of an evening feed. Her mother is supporting the bottle, while she has a go at playing with herself. Only when she gets really hungry, would she not let someone else hold the bottle, and would do the honours of holding the bottle herself. I think it is one of the several memorable photos of her, I would like to share when she grows up. Don’t kids ask, “How was I as a baby/when I was growing up”? Well I have solid proof to show! What say? To find out about who else brought the apples for the class teacher, just click here ! ^WiseGuy^ Post Script: End-October, I was mentally preparing myself for the IVF cycle. End-October, I wondered whether I would be pregnant on my birthday.

I have been feeling very off-the-hook for the past few days. I am not really grinding myself with the who, why me or how of my infertility. Can I call it subfertility (it feels better and that is how one of my doc files recites my case)? There is something gnawing at me and I am seeking some closure for it. Nancy wrote a beautiful comment for me on a previous post. Though it singed to read it initially, I have to thank her for being resolute and pointing out facts rather than just core-cushioning me. And though I did not write much of a response to her beyond a sheer ~Thank You~, she gave me a lot of food for thought. So here it is: I believe I was pregnant. And that my beta was tested after the levels started falling, hence the BFN. For me any later pregnancy and resulting children will not be 4, 5 or 6. I believe my babies are destined for my womb only. And so those who went away will come back to me again eventually. I am at peace, for now! ^WiseGuy^

That sounds like a good question, doesn’t it? Several things – One , I am not going for any ultrasounds till March 2009. Two , No pill-popping whatsoever (discounting the tapering in Wysolone dosage). Three , No needles, no syringes and no Lupride! Four , No counting cycle days, no worrying about ovulation. Just keep a tab of when AF is expected. Five , Read books and unwind by stressing over Phd synopsis. Six , Introspection. Seven , Connect better – with everybody including the guy in the deep skies or the seas or wherever the humans claim him to be! Eight . Keep a low profile in office! Nine , what do you think should be the ninth item in my list? ^WiseGuy^

Hello everybody! For this Show and Tell, I have pics of Lotus flowers that I clicked today afternoon while returning from a trip. These flowers are pink. The other shades that I have seen include white, blue(amazing) and yellow. The petals of this flower open up as soon as the sun is up and then close again, as the dusk approaches. The pictures have been clicked froom my mobile phone camera. To go back to other people's classwork, just click here ! ^WiseGuy^

Been Tagged by Clio ... This looks fun, so I really have to have a go at it! The rules are: 1. Link to the person who tagged you. 2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs. Hmm....which of my seven quirks do I pick up? 1. If I could keep Christian names for my children, my daughter(if any/ever) will be called Yvonne. I have had a fancy for this name since I was an undergrad! 2. I like chocolates to the extent of dreaming of finding myself in a Hansel and Gretel position some day. 3. I am a water-waster, especially when taking a bath. Being told to use a limited amount of water is a big turn-off for me. 4. I think that if I were an animal, I would be represented best by a Polar Bear. 5. I have a good memory - especially for names and faces. 6. I am very moody. And when I am not really high, I am not interested in what I am wearing, or my appearance, or jewellery or the way my hair has been tied. 7. My favourite pla...

Caught you, didn't I? Ha, the blog title is just a joke. Please do not take it seriously. Yesterday, DH was reading to me from a book that spoke of men and women and why they are the way they are and what they are and such. DH read about what the genders say, and what it actually means. The post title is what the book interpreted men-talk to be. Anyways, not only did DH read me the 'joke', he was even role-playing a bit and though, I had read the joke in some e-mail forward, it really made me laugh. I also attended a pre-wedding, song party at my landlord's yesterday evening. One of my neighbours(mother of two kids) enquired: So, what are your plans? //Don't get her wrong. She is definetely not asking about my career plans. She wants to know when I will have kids. Prompt Reply: By my 15th anniversary for sure! // Don't get me wrong. I was only buying time! he...he...he... I am still waiting for the Disco Lights to pop over my head! ^WiseGuy^ P.S. This post is p...

Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived in a high tower. She did not have very long hair, nor her song was as sweet. She did not even meet dwarfs and bears in her whole life and her mirror could not talk. Her horse was just a horse. Anyways, her father got her married off to somebody in the next high tower and this princess thought that like all others - her maids, friends and neighbours, there would be blossoming in her garden as well. So year after year, when there were invitations from neighbouring kingdoms for baby showers and birthdays, the princess really did not realize anything was wrong. Are you actually reading this? I really don't want to continue the story like this. I am so pregnancy-unexperienced. Want to know why? I was talking to my mother yesterday and I came to know that the cramping and bleeding I had on Decemeber 2nd was when I aborted! What? I aborted? Seriously, is that abortion? Am I crazy? You mean there was no implantation failure? What? Am I turni...

I am still in utter disbelief. I can’t understand what went wrong and where. I can’t ever understand these numbers. One particular IUI, a doc said that there was a 10 percent chance of success. I was mentally able to calculate the failure percentage, but I just could not comprehend the heartache of being in the rest 90 percent. This particular hospital I was with for IVF w/ICSI quoted a very high success rate (no, nothing phoney, that much is checked out). But again I just could not understand the grief of being on the other side of the success range. I just can’t absorb this in the first go. There were so many positive vibes and signs this time. I had my mother with me all the time. God can’t prove even her correct? I have always trusted her to have a deeper, truer, stronger bond with God. Does she feel betrayed? I do not know. I will never ask her this question as well. I could be in any amount of trouble, but if my mother stood by me, I always knew that everything will be alright....

Hello, How have you been doing? Today there are no pictures that I can share with you. What I want to share is the content from a queer dream I had. I have mentioned that dream previously as well. But, given what has happened, I believe that there was some message for me which I could not understand then. This is what I saw: I saw one snake and two hares hunting for prey - the hare were flanking the snake on either side. I was sitting on the floor in a room where I was observing them at a close distance. Now, I am not a snake lover and I was scared looking at that hissing snake. The room is from an old home we once occupied. A large part of my school and college life was spent in this home. I am not too sure about what they were hunting. The hare were grey and the snake had a shiny leopard-dots skin. At this point of time I was woken up. Interpretation(s): 1. Three animals - three embryos 2. An aunt told me that seeing a snake is an indicator of having possibly conceived a male child...

My news is not a secret from you. Let me count the ways, Thursday brought us wrong news. The SIL of my mother's domestic help was 6 months pg and had severe jaundice. She lost her baby and is still unconscious. The day I had my ET, I told you about who all I shared my recovery room with. Well the other lady who had her ET on the same day (November 20) also tested negative. We learnt of a death (of a very young woman, under-30) in our close acquaintances. She was just out of labour. The baby has survived. ^WiseGuy^

I have not turned cold. No, I am getting these bouts where tears do escape me. Today evening, my mother sat down on the floor, laid her head on my lap and just kept her head down. I know she was seeking some warm reassurance from me. That is what I did not give to her. I would have balled out - cried like crazy and somehow I am not into public displays of my frustration with myself, with God (I really am upset with this guy) and with why I always have to have the harder path to achieving simple things that seem to fall effortlessly into other people's life. I could not give in. Who needs that reassurance more? Yesterday night, almost my whole family cried in front of me. Dad and bro had their share of tears when I was not there. But my mother followed me upstairs. I wanted to take a bath. She did not let me go till we bear-hugged. She was shaken. She was like - "Oh God, so many injections, so many tablets?". She almost feels responsible for me for having gone through this...

Let's get to the technical aspect of this failure. I had apparently good eggs and good sperms. Apparently, my fertilization potential is also superb. Apparently, I am too good to be true. :( It is obvious that there was implantation failure. For what reason? There are no clear reasons for the same. My doc told me that some 'fragmentation' was visible in the embryos that were created. Fragmentation is not a sign that pregnancy will not occur. But, it is certainly a demoting factor in embryo grading. But lower quality embryo does not mean that embryo is not viable. My doc recently had a successful conception with severely fragmented embryos. But I have always been on the wrong side of statistics. That, apparently, is my problem. My embryos, did not go beyond the four-cell stage. None of them did. If you remember from my previous posts, 9 embryos had been created, out of which three were transferred. Well, my doc did not freeze any of them. None of the left-over grew! The next...

I am so sorry that you are no longer with me in physical existence. Three of you there and I could not negotiate the life of even one from Mother Nature? I am so sorry. I do not even know when you left me. Why did you not give me a sign? Any sign? I do not know how many random moments I have talked to empty spaces, patted on an empty vase. Why did I not know? I think I will cry...I already have....but I am trying to hold back...

How have y'all been doing? Since the evening of December 2nd, I have been having intermittent bleeding/spotting. That evening,I rushed to the centre. I was in utter throes of despair. However, sonography revealed that there was no sign of a period on its way. I have been put on bed rest again and the rest of the decisions will be taken after my beta (for which I will be submitting a blood sample, in a few hours from now). Please pray for me. I have been given a mild sedative to help me sleep through the night. I hope things do work out in the end. ^WiseGuy^

....I would not pee! Ha Ha Ha...you can imagine my state of mind. I totally have lost it. Still three days to go and I am not clamping up? What's wrong with me? Or does my mind have a foregone conclusion. Three days, Nostradamus, three days! ^WiseGuy^

Hey there people, today I want to talk about my favourite colour. Before we start, I want to tell you this. I am impermanent in several things and colour is one such entity. Today I want you to meet five of my favourite blue things. I am a big fan of Vincent Van Gogh art. It is a very crude way of putting it, but I have always be mesmerized by his strokes, the depth, direction and choice of colours. I specifically like two of his paintings - Starry Nights and Crows over the Wheatfields . So, I present to you here - Starry Nights! The second object of desire is sapphires - as controversial in the history of gem collectors as perhaps diamonds and onyx. Unlike pearls, Sapphires are supposed to bring great wealth or great misery upon its bearers and so people are careful about owning one. The forbidden fruit always has a greater lure! The next blue I want to show you is that of the peacock plume. It is a gorgeous sight to witness the dance of peacocks when rains arrive. And it is also a...

In one of my previous posts , I had promised that I will pass on L's gift to me. The sweet badge reads: And today I want to have the pleasure of passing it on... The List of Honorees Lori@Weebles Wobblog Cara@The Bear and The Comedian Clio@Dancing with Gaia Katery@Infertile Myrtle Emily@Apron Strings for Emily Barbara@Burble Brenda@Hope Springs Infertile Now ladies, you don't get away by just getting that badge...here are a few (31 is few) questions you need to answer in one word... I have blanked out my responses, just copy paste and do your thing here. Cheers! And pass it on! 1. Where is your cell phone? 2. Where is your significant other? 3. Your hair color? 4. Your mother? 5. Your father? 6. Your favorite thing? 7. Your dream last night? 8. Your dream/goal? 9. The room you’re in? 10. Your hobby? 11. Your fear? 12. Where do you want to be in six years? 13. Where were you last night? 14. What you’re not? 15. One of your wish list items? 16. Where you grew up? 17. The last thi...

All quiet on the western front! Literally! Well, not much is happening currently. While my staple of pills and Progesterone support continues, the fruits of the ET will get verified only on December 4. I cannot call it an anxious wait, only a long one! I have stopped being stressed. I do not know how this super condition arrived, but luckily, I did get hold of my 'turn-it-off' button. I am sure my embies are there, and I keep on touching my tummy reassuringly. With my mother's magic touch as well, I am sure something good is going to come out of all this. Till then, I am wandering in magical mushroom land, killing time with TV and music and computers! ^WiseGuy^

Was checking up on Barren Advice given out by Melissa to Amy , the past week. Amy felt at a complete loss over talking to somebody whose IVF cycle had turned out a bummer and Mel felt that talking out was a better form of support rather than silence. I liked what she recommended - what with the ice-cream and works. But frankly, in real life, I would have preferred silence. Much of my fertility woes are an open book for my female colleagues, especially at the place I am working for the past 20 months or so. And it is difficult indeed to survive like this at a place where I seem to be the only one who is reproductively challenged. I do not have a disease. Only that I need to take timed efforts to do what they have glided through easily, sometimes more than once, and each time successfully. So, it is very tough to really understand. I have never had rude responses. But I can easily detect the 'pity' in their voices. For the past few months, I have stopped discussing my cycle cha...

##November 20, 2008## Started the day by watching Sheryl Crow croon 'Everyday is a Winding Road'. Had an early lunch and went to the centre at 1350 Hrs. The procedure started at 1515 Hrs. I was asked to keep a full bladder for the procedure. Whew! No intracath, no anesthesia. Phenomenal! The procedure goes well and the doc tells me that I cooperated well. I hope I can say the same to my uterus as well! One wonderful thing was that prior to the procedure, my doc showed me where my uterus was and after the procedure, I got to take a pic of the 3 embies they put inside me. I remained on the operating room table for about an hour - just resting and then was transported to the post-operative recovery room. I have clicked some pics there, but as soon as I am able to transfer the pics to my laptop, I will show you what I saw for three more hours in the recovery room. I shared my room with another ET case and a lady who had an ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding. My doc advised me to li...

Like I wrote before, I was on strict bed rest for the past four days and it is only today that I am up and about (and it is quite a relief). I used these four days for sleeping and watching movies on TV. I also wanted to read (recently was gifted Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar ), but could not bring myself to do it. So, there were two and a half good movies that I watched - Match Point, The Talented Mr. Ripley and The Namesake (seen second time, caught the latter end). Anyways, Match Point was memorable and I found it ironic that the tennis pro's wife had a hard time conceiving, while his mistress found out that she was green through the affair. Has fertility got something to do with our thinking? Like is our brain also a natural contraceptive? Chloe was a nice girl and Chris married her only because of the networking that alliance with her brought. Nola was the carefree barefoot, who had nothing to lose - because she did not have anything at all, barring her saucy sexiness. When...

My doc SMSed me today with the ICSI and IVF results. Breaking News : Out of the 13 oocytes, 9 have been fertilized - 8 through ICSI and 1 through IVF Doc is satisfied with the results. Tomorrow at around 1500 Hrs, the ET will take place and the proposed plan is that 3 will be transferred. The rest will be frozen. Wow and Double Wow! I have been started with Progesterone(200 mg) from today. Wish me luck! I may not be able to blog tomorrow or even day after tomorrow but I hope that you will send your blessings my way because I am really hoping for all the good luck I could garner from the cosmos! ^WiseGuy^

Okay, so one really hungry babe made it to the hosp today. I think I have become too comfortable at the center. We reached there pretty early in the morning (around 8 o'clock) and except for the cleaning staff and OT Technicians there was just one more couple there. The TV in the reception lobby is controlled by the staff sitting at the counter. In their absence, the chemist turned on the TV and guess who got to play with the remote? Me! The first item on the schedule was oocyte harvest. Forget the numbers of the follicle size in my yesterday's post. Overall 17 eggs got picked. Post-selection, 13 were retained. I recovered well from the anaesthesia. I remember how shitty I felt after my D&C. Today was good. But I was told, that when I 'came out', I was crying and asking DH to promise me to let me name my babies (What? Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs in action?). After that sometime in the afternoon (close to 1400 Hrs), we witnessed what has been possibly our closest...

Guess what...I am really 'someone' in the blogosphere. You want proof..really? Okay L gave me an award... and guess what it says... Here's what I am supposed to answer in one word.... 1. Where is your cell phone? Table 2. Where is your significant other? Train 3. Your hair color? Black-Brown 4. Your mother? Great 5. Your father? Adorable 6. Your favorite thing? Being Myself 7. Your dream last night? Horses 8. Your dream/goal? Children 9. The room you’re in? Familyroom 10. Your hobby? Reading 11. Your fear? Snakes 12. Where do you want to be in six years? Wiser 13. Where were you last night? Home 14. What you’re not? Patient 15. One of your wish list items? Disneyland 16. Where you grew up? Aha! 17. The last thing you did? Switched off the TV 18. What are you wearing? Gown 19. Your T.V.? Travel & Living 20. Your pet? Only Peeves (he he) 21. Your computer? Laptop 22. Your mood? Excited 23. Missing someone? Yeps 24. Your car? Official 25. Something you’re not wearing? Win...

My egg retrieval is tomorrow. I am nervous already. I am away from City G (and hence my workplace) for a while, till my protocol finishes. I want to take it easy even after I return back. I had a major official responsibility (an event scheduled for March-end 2009)on my shoulders. Today, I spoke to my Director and have hereby surrendered the lead organizing position. This is bittersweet for me. On one hand, I gave up a to-die-for credit on my resume and on the other hand, I will have a slightly easier life in office for the next few months. ^WiseGuy^

Was in at the center at around 9 today. My E2 levels read 1466 yesterday. Today, follicle count was done and six have been finalized – 3 from the right ovary (20,19,19) and 3 from the done-me-proud-this-time left ovary (18,16,16). Today morning I have taken my last Lupride injection. No more Ovugraf and Foligraf Injection for me. I have been asked to stop taking ASA (slow release Aspirin) from today. Tonight at 2215, I will be taking an HCG injection and on Tuesday morning will be reporting back at the center for egg retrieval (woohoo…woot…woot). Awesome, is it not? This time around I have a strong feeling that things are going totally my way! ^WiseGuy^

Okay Five Bummers from me.... And just copy-paste the questions and respond in the comments section. 1. Rihanna or Dido? Dido over Rihanna...unless it is about umbrellas that I want to hear. 2. Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi...no doubt! 3. Action Figure or Teddy Bear? Teddy Bear 4. Summer or Winter? Winter 5. Mountains or Beaches? Beaches.... What has everyone brought? Check it out here .... ^WiseGuy^

...Coz I want to fly competently. Today the ultrasound revealed that follicles were growing and my E2 levels have also emerged as expected. I am fully on-track. My Ovugraf and Foligraf dosages have been reversed from today. And now Ovugraf and Foligraf strength is 150 I.U. and 75 I.U. respectively. DH accompanied me to the centre today (he did so yesterday as well). But I still cannot handle my chemistry with DH when my mother is around. Don't get me wrong. By chemistry I do not refer to hands-over-each-other. Rather than that, it is the communication pattern that is affected. My mother keeps on deriding me for talking to her son-in-law in less than perfect manner. My DH feels I do not talk to him properly when my mother is around. Whoa! I am not making any amends to this event (the kind that unfolded as a repeat today). I am only going to try and keep my opinions to myself when the two parties are together; I will not critique and I won't be forthcoming on things. More than an...

I had a Lupride prick on my sleepy ass today morning. (What else can come from me at 7 a.m. in the morning?). Needless to say, I felt no pain at all - was too zonged to even remember the lady who gave me the prick. I guess, with the next few days having the same schedule, I will check out her face, to say the least. Went to the hospital in the forenoon, with due consideration of the six hour gap, and had a sonography. My sonologist mouthed this word - PERFECT. Isn't that great? My E2 levels are also as expected. I continued with my Foligraf and Ovugraf injection. Essentially, doctors are thinking of Monday or Tuesday as the possible days for egg retrieval. I am not taking any mental load. I am not calculating cycle days and that is quite a relief. I have left it on my doctors and I am dealing with the IVF protocol, one day at a time. ^WiseGuy^

Me but not Dupree! In one of my previous posts , I had reported the Foligraf and Ovugraf protocol that I was following. However, rather than stopping the injections yesterday, my doc has advised me to continue with the same for a few more days. I had a sonography today and there are total 12 follicles of varying sizes in both my ovaries. Yipee, so my left ovary has woken up finally! I am expected to take a Lupride Injection (20 units) in the morning and Ovugraf and Foligraf Injection after atleast 6 hours of the Lupride. This will continue till the 15th of this month. ^WiseGuy^ P.S. I had been considering donation of my left ovary as a ping-pong ball. My plans are hereby happily cancelled.

My injections finished yesterday. 10th was crappy for me. I woke up feeling dull, had a headache and was awfully gloomy. In the afternoon, I took a nap and that is when I started feeling better. I told my doc about being depressed and she asked me to go watch a new comedy flick (I have better taste in movies than to tolerate that).What did I watch - Biography of Saddam Hussain on History Channel!!! Anyways, 11th was better for me. I think I am beginning to have ulcers in my mouth. I have to do something for that. I am already taking B-Complex supplements twice a day and the dosage cannot be upped anymore. So, now I am looking for options to deal with the mouth ulcers! ^WiseGuy^

What can multilingual translators do? This, which I have appended to this blog post is a mail written to a e-mail pal by me. It is stupid. I wrote some text and just for fun had it translated into German by a translator on my PC. After that, I had that text, re-translated back into English. The output was so funny that I have kept it on for almost six-seven years! Howdy R, I do not learn took Tibetan, however german as a choice of the subject in optional. I am does not carry certain if soybean of planting India is not virtual defense mechanism or, whether George shrub of pink boxer, but I am would really bet will regard shrub each customs of the joker, he. While far as goes during PhD, PhD stands pottery cliffs day. The other execution, that I have dries was belonged main hand, that sees, leaving the last the procedure of naturally, that the hand dries, without the hindrance of towels or one such obtrusive medium in the union droplets of the water with the air around the hand. The ...

I had my second set of injections today - the protocol reads, 7/11 8/11 9/11 10/11 11/11. I am taking two injections daily. One of them is Ovugraf HP 75 I.U . (Human Menopausal Gonadotrophin B.P.) and the other one is Foligraf 150 I.U.( r-hFSH, Recombinant-Human Follicle Stimulating Hormone for Injection). The side effects listed include increased incidences of multiple pregnancy. I like the sound of that. Secretly, I have always wanted twins. Am I close to achieving it? Maybe! I am positive and happy. I am away from my office and all the hustle-bustle that was usually surrounding me in City G. So, with a calmer mind, I can be more relaxed. Fingers crossed! ^WiseGuy^

Am I kidding? Seriously...I read this poem of hers and I wondered, "How apt!". FAITH is a fine invention For gentlemen who see; But microscopes are prudent In an emergency! ~ Emily Dickinson (1830–86) Source: http://www.bartleby.com/113/1056.html

Okay, so went to the hosp again and I was asked to get a sonography and E2 (Estradiol)test. E2 levels indicate that my uterus is close to the Luteal phase. My injection orgy will start from November 7. Meanwhile, four more medicines have been added to my daily diet including Folic Acid and low-dose aspirin. ^WiseGuy^

The culture report for the cyst fluid drained yesterday has come and is NEGATIVE. I am so happy. It means that from tomorrow onwards the injections can be started without hesitation. Signs Signs! And today marks my fifth wedding anniversary. ^WiseGuy^

So, I went to the hospital today as planned. What I knew was that I would have a sonography + cyst removal (if it had not gone away already)+ and my first injection. It turned out that the cyst in the right ovary was still present with zero changes in its size, in spite of the new medication. When aspirated, the outcome was a viscous fluid (pus-like material) which has been sent for culture. So, all these months, the perception that my 'chocolate' cyst had returned was disproved because the cyst contents were anything but typical chocolate fluid. The reports will come on Wednesday and hopefully my injections will be started from that day onwards. We would be three-days late from the original protocol and I want that this cycle get fructified. Antibiotics have been added to medicine staple. Ahem! ^WiseGuy^

I am. ^WiseGuy^

This week I want to share with you one of the most memorable books I have ever read – Mrityunjaya by Shivaji Sawant . I enjoy reading a lot. And the fact that I still remember how riveting this one was makes it so special for me. I read this book sometime in 2003. The book was bulky (of which I am not scared), but I realized that none of the pages were ‘wasted’ or dispensable. Mrityunjaya is the story of Karna – the great warrior from Mahabharata . In his archery skills, he was the only match for Arjuna (perhaps even better). Karna was born to Kunti before she was married. Even though his genesis was from a divine blessing (he was the son of Sun God - Surya), Karna spent his life bearing the stigma of having a low-caste birth (he was adopted by a charioteer family and remained ignorant about the identity about his actual parents until the fag end of his life). Kunti spent her life loaded under the guilt of her desertion of the newborn and inwardly singed by the taunts heaped on Karna ...

So, let’s have a update quickie! I came to City I past Sunday and was putting up at my in-laws’ place. Had a good family reunion for Diwali. Now, I have shifted to my mother’s place (reminder: mom is my background doc) and am more relaxed. But I am in a dilemma right now. You see, I have my IVF in November and so, I was expected to be in City I around 3rd November for half-dozen daily injections. Originally the plan was to have the first shot here in City I and then travel back to City G to settle office chores and apply for a longer leave. I would have carried my injections with me and would have again returned back for last shot, so that immediate monitoring could begin. Now I am being advised that rather than leaving on 3rd only to return on 7th, I must not go back at all. It is a tempting prospect. After all, I am already about to take a 20 day break from office minus-pay, so what are 4-5 days more? But, I am concerned about the things that require my attention in office and what ...

As the above pic in itself clarifies, today I am posting the pictures of three gifts I have received from my students. I enjoy teaching and if the gifts are thoughtful and given as a token of remembrance rather than flattery, I have retained the gifts. They are not too many but are close to my teaching experience overall. The first pic is of a key-ring that was gifted to me by an undergraduate student. There is an obvious mistake on the backside of the key-ring, but the ring carries my key to my apartment. [Gifted in 2006] The second pic is of a charm bracelet that was gifted to me by a post-graduate student. I love the bracelet. Though I dig stone and bead jewellery, I have never myself purchased such bracelets for myself and it is quite an exciting addition to my accessories. [Gifted in 2008] The third pic is of a small statue of Ganesha that a student gifted to me on Teacher’s Day. I liked it and so I have kept it. I am not very ritualistic and do not care much about collecting pho...

I normally despise the gyan that some people give me for free on fertility issues. But there are also times when I hear genuine words. This is not something which was told to me yesterday or the day before. Month after month, I was a fallen wicket. One day I was sharing my frustration with my father and there was one small thing he said. He told me that maybe God was saving me from an even more severe heartache. (We have a neighbour, whose granddaughter was born premature and is special). So, I should count my blessings and never give up on my efforts, but I should never treat my failure as the most 'painful' possibility. In the series of who-needed-you advice, there was one aunty in my building who asked me to have sex on Poornimas (full-moon nights), because it would increase my chances of having a boy child!!! Whoa! Haw! Hum! ^WiseGuy^

My first hot-flash...It happened today afternoon, waves of warmth flowing through me..... ^WiseGuy^

I made a mistake....I was supposed to take Wysolone on the same day as having the second Lupride Depot Injection, but it slipped my mind completely. So from last night onwards (two days after the injection), I have begun my dosage... ^WiseGuy^

This is a collection of kids – recent entrants to my environs. And each one of them is a charmer. Someday, I will post my own success story as well. //Picture removed to protect privacy DJ is a cool guy! (Literally)… he is my cousin’s son and is in the US. By far, I still do not have a one to one interaction with him. //Picture removed to protect privacy She is my sis-in-law’s daughter, and this photo of hers is when she was just a couple of hours old. Now she is almost seven months and has really evolved facial features //Picture removed to protect privacy And this is a favourite snap of a colleague’s son. He has very Pahadi (mountain-dwellers) looks, obvious from his lineage. His mom has posted a lot of snaps of him on Orkut but this is the one I like the best. //Picture removed to protect privacy C is the son of a very close friend. Again, this picture of his is taken when he was a couple of hours old. C is very affable, as reported by my mother who was the doctor who delivered him...

So, I had my second Lupride Depot injection yesterday and now I am on my final lap of the race towards IVF #1. I am still not very thorough about the protocol and am simply aware that in a few days from now, I will be taking daily injections for six days and then the harvest will begin. I know that only when I have atleast one run, I will become good at knowing about it, but I hope that I never need another IVF. ^WiseGuy^

This is one of the oldest family snaps - Me, Parents and bro J as the infant. I was 5 or 6 years old when this pic was taken (sometime in the early 1980s). For a long time I have felt that this photo is a portrait of what I and my brother became as adults. My brother became independent only when he went away to US for pursuing higher studies. I was always the break-free. Being the elder one, all the discipline and control tenets were tried and tested on me first and then experiences with me led my parents to suitably modify their techniques for the younger one. I went to a movie with my friends (I lied, was caught, and was slapped; but I had lied coz I would never have been permitted) when I was 17. My bro went to the movies with his friends at 13 (with due permission)! Anyways, the picture is from a family picnic organized by my father’s colleagues in the Anaesthesiology department. These picnics were annual affairs and filled with fun and laughter and a lot of chances at making good ...

My Crimson Tide is still high. It is freaking me.... Though the intensity is substantially reduced, it still remains.... and I am bugged. I have never had to use protection for so long and I am developing welts out there....Boo Hoo! Plus, a particular piece of clothing has gone from wearable to extremely tight within a fortnight... Leuprogon Depot's next fruit - bloating! ^WiseGuy^

I am still bleeding....And I have no conclusive evidence to say whether it is my periods I am going through or a protracted effect of Leuprogon Depot. I want to break free! Sanitary Napkins are a mind-sticker...invisibly stuck to your forehead, you can almost feel them there....rather than down-under! P.S. Thank God for Whisper!!! ^WiseGuy^

Still Spotting..... I was cranky today.... taking jabs at targets who provoked me enough! ^WiseGuy^

Ah, DH was planning a Singapore trip for both of us in early December this year. I would have travelled back after the vacation and he would have stayed on for a couple of days, for business reasons. I should have been jumping with joy (after all, this trip was one of the reasons why my passport was rushed), but I am not. Want to know why? Coz, I may be pregnant then. And if I were to be preggie, it would automatically come into the category of a high-risk pregnancy. Of course, there is no guarantee that I will be preggie in December but my IVF is planned for November. So, What if ?

I am having spotting – brownish discharge and I still don’t know whether my periods have begun or it just happens to be the session one of Leuprogon Depot fruits. My doc had told me about hot flushes, occasional spotting and possible changes in my period dates, but it is still almost 11 days to go for the scheduled periods. What? Am I babbling? Ya, about periods… I am waiting for my nine-month vacation .

My sis-in-law is visiting us along with her six-month old. I was playing with the kid when I realized that when I was bored or tired, I could hand over the baby to her mom. When I turn mommy, I will lose that liberty. Would I mind it? She quit her job to spend time with her baby. I wasn’t in favour of it because I was aware of how much hard work she had put in to get on company rolls. I always thought that she would deeply regret her decision. I am happy to report that she is not. I always thought that when a woman has tasted financial independence, she would feel her sense of worth dented if that independence were to be compromised. Ahem!

I came back from my City X trip today morning itself. I spent the past two days at the above-indicated place. A detailed history of my fertility woes was noted and a new file with a new doc was created. ~~~~~@~~~~~ The centre is run by a husband and wife duo DJ and SJ, and both of them are doctors of repute. In fact DJ knew me as a kid, but we lost regular contact while I was in my Wonder Years. I had a lot of frank discussion with DJ and I posed him the same question, I have been posing a lot of my doctors….why do so many other people who have so many known root causes for infertility, so lucky in procreating (like my past-druggie cousin, and a schoolmate who was a Pan Parag fan). This guy was the only one who had a funny answer to that. He quipped, “ Does every hardworking guy get a promotion ?” Ah, thanks! Pretty soothing, you know! I have to admit, this was the only time I was smiling at the response. ~~~~~@~~~~~ DJ began his sermon with the line – It takes only one sp...

This cycle, I am going to Indore and getting cozy with a new doctor that my mom (the resident backgrounder) has recommended. With so many failed IUIs and Mother Nature's indifference, my mom feels it is time to think about other techniques. A part of me is repelling it, the other part feels compelled emotionally and none of my parts are hopeful of anything, thankfully.

Oh, so my periods yesterday morning and I am scheduled to meet my doctor today for a sonography. This cycle, I will be off any kind of medicines and basically undoing the effect of medicines, I did not necessarily need to begin with. I did not have any problem in ovulating. That did not stop me from being induced - n number of times, by n different doctors. I had a lot of pain yesterday and took a cocktail of Meftal Spas and Buscopan to get over with three classes. The truth is I have been less than effective yesterday and today in my daily liaisons. My Mom (let me introduce you to my stable background doctor) is now on my back to go to M and meet a Dr. Pataki. What good will come out of it? a. Oh beta, zyaada koi problem nahi hai....![ Agar nahi hai to teen saal maine kya jhak maari? ] b. Oh ye factor to humne ignore kiya! [ De do uski bhi koi dawai, meri zindagi mein ab bacha bhi kya hai? ] c. Apna weight kam karo! [ Kyon, haathi conceive nahi karte? ]

I had the last Duphaston on Friday night. Doctor had told me that I would get my periods within 48 hours of finishing the dosage. Here I am, 72 hours on, still waiting for the holy blood to flow through. I am sure I am not knocked this time, coz I have spent an almost celibate time after my last irrigation! I hate waiting..... I am totally thinking of giving up on all doctors.....what is happening to me? Am I listening to the doctor more than I am listening to my own body? Maybe my body is not ready yet and I am coercing it with my expectations into bleeding. What should I do?

So, I went to the doc yesterday (CD6) and had a Sonography. My uterus was ‘out of phase’, POD was clear and the right ovary was behaving like an over-excited school kid. As for the left ovary, it is not responding at all to the induction. Isn’t it ironic that the normal ovary refuses to budge? It is now that we realized (doc and me), that we were so obsessed with the right ovary and its chocolate cyst that we totally forgot its twin! The left ovary had appeared normal during the laparoscopy in January, but now it is clear that it is *just* a meatball. I have stopped the inductive drug and am continuing with just Lycostar and Duphaston (a 10 mg daily course for 10 days). This cycle is a complete spoil. Once I have my periods again, the doctor would like to check how many follicles are formed minus the induction. I am losing my faith. My hormonal levels are fine, and all other factors are okay, yet, I am on the path of desperation. I guess, for the sake of some utility, I must take m...

I embarrassed myself yesterday at my workplace. The behaviour I put up was exactly like some newly menstruating school babe, who could not handle the flow. I darned destroyed my undies, part of my clothes and the most exasperating of all, my office chair. I just did not realize how heavily down I was! Anyways, I cancelled a class and rushed back home. Saw my doc in the evening and she has given me Tranostat- MF. This cycle, I will be starting Lycostar and Letromet from day 3(which is today). Sixth day I will be visiting my doc for a sonography.

I peed on my ray of sunshine....literally! I am bleeding heavily. The sole relief is that at least, I am out of my WaitLand ! Will be visiting my doc today. This cycle, I will be on a new pill regimen. Watch and Watch and Watch!

Had a thick brown discharge in the early half of the evening. I quickly took precautions and am pleased to announced that I did not bleed after that. I am still sitting a bit uptight. I am trying to not think about the whole thing and am drowning my frowns in Stephen Robbins's Organizational Behaviour and 'Father of the Bride' on Star Movies..... I am not sure what to expect, but the fact that there is no active bleeding can be a ray of hope for me. Have to wait for tomorrow morning to come!

You know, that’s the thing with infertility….it is always on your mind! Was making soup for myself in the afternoon and voluntarily started chanting ‘Ram Ram Ram….’ mentally. That’s when it struck me that it was just a sign of my nervousness. When I was a child, my mother had asked me to repeat the words whenever I was afraid (and it did happen coz I couldn’t stop myself from consuming horror shows and then every dark nook of my house would start looking creepy). I have been on Eudrin this cycle. I always found that in ovulation induced cycles, my periods tend to come earlier than the normal dates and usually within a couple of days of withdrawal of progesterone support. Now, five days are already up and I am not bleeding yet. This is fraying my nerves. I don’t want my periods to come and I don’t know whether they would come or if there is any iota of hope I could stick to. I have been harassing myself all afternoon - imagining a work afternoon informing my colleague that I needed t...

Case I: W got married and within three months she came to know that she had conceived. Why have a kid so early in marriage and for this simple reason she had the baby aborted. Later she conceived again and lost the baby in the fifth month. She conceived again and had a normal delivery. As of today, she is the proud mother of two daughters.[It is also rumored that she had found out that she was pregnant four months prior to her wedding and she and her fiance had disposed off the baby for the fear of bringing shame to their respective families.] Case II: W got married and was detected with a fibroid. Around the same time, she conceived and on some adverse opinion from her doctor had an MTP. A second opinion post-MTP concluded that she actually did not need the MTP(!). Second time she became pregnant, she delivered a healthy baby boy. Power of Contraception be damned, she conceived again within two years, which she promptly got terminated. Case III: W got married and because of lack...