My Lady of the Lantern

...in the head. Birdman is on a train returning back to UsualCity from an office-related thing. The thing is I have morbid thoughts. Ever since I came back home from the hospital, the little-big discovery and everything else that rippled, I keep thinking of him to be alright. What if something happens to him? I want him to be there. I don't know but I think when I put it in black and white, it appears harsher than it should. I want him to be okay. Lola is gone. What if he goes away too? Crazy thought, right? But it's all there in my mind. I am relishing the solitude, and whatever bits of it are coming my way right now. I am not working yet, and Birdman comes home usually for dinner and sometimes in between and that gives me alone time - something I have not had for a long long time. I found myself crying this morning. I had a reflux of some condolence offered to me ( would like to talk about it at some other time ), and it pinched bloody hard. Among Birdman's peer group of...

So this is the output of a brain that has no single thread to follow. I have found myself very emotional lately. I have been secretly sensitive as a person. I have cried over scenes and movies and songs and such, but these days I seem to have tears readily poised over my lower eyelids. It's them hormones, right? In the baby shower there was a game - a gender predictor thing. Five items were hidden with a slip of paper kept underneath each of them. The woman is expected to lift one of the lids randomly and her first pick is supposed to be the gender of the baby she is expecting. What I picked first was an outright feminine word. The lady who made me do it, asked me to lift all other lids randomly and then tried to soothe me with bull* that I had seemed to pick more male words than female words. I immediately cut her off by saying that for five items, if three items were male, it was obvious that more picks would be made towards the male side in any order. Ahem! It's logical, I ...

Okay, this is a composite of random things I don't want to dedicate individual posts to: a. I have an anterior placenta . I don't mean that in a good or bad way, just matter-of-fact way. b. Reaction of family: My in-laws revealed my news to their side of relatives after my first trimester was over. Apparently, my baby is a community effort. Everybody ( ??? ) was putting in their chips with God ( Gawd!!! ) to have me and Birdman be blessed with the divine. I am so miffed at knowing that as soon as something gets done, people just want to highlight it meant so much to them, and was their indirect doing. And yep, Kaiser has been booked for temple appointments, because he/she has come through from the respective prayers to the respective God. Blech! c. I can't get over my cola cravings . I do actually, but only by consuming. I feel very guilty and satiated...it is the satiation that comes before the guilt. Coffee is not a staple for me anymore. I have had about three cups (ima...

X told me to not hold back my cravings or Kaiser would salivate excessively! Yep, it was just few days back that I heard those golden words. X is about to visit us. She will be here on Wednesday and will stay with us till Friday evening. God help me! And its a good time for me to already start looking for my invisible cotton earplugs. ^WiseGuy^

I woke up as usual today...carried my cup of coffee to the balcony... Time of that kind is spent staring at the sky, the pigeons and the sparrows, and the ugly new cable that has been set up on my railing. It is also spent on watching my five tiny plants struggle to stay green and flourish. That time is spent in sipping the coffee, or staring into the cup or registering that I probably did not make it right today or fully enjoying what I made. I watch the sparse traffic on the road below, and the man (who is the keeper of a water tank). And then my eyes watered today. I was not crying, or I was. I am not sure of what it was. My tears sprung up too fast and rolled down in fat drops, and they stopped at that. I was re-living a moment that I lived through on December 4, 2008. I was also adding some fantasy to it. But more or less, I remembered the crying then. Is it going to be like this? Like reading through to Chapter 13 to be force-fed Chapter 2 again? ^WiseGuy^

Someone in my immediate family bought me a magazine to which he subscribes regularly. It was just a normal general life magazine. But the magazine was not meant for a casual read. It had an article/advertisement of some rockstar fertility clinic with super stats. Apparently, if you land there you will never come out unless you have a baby in your arms. Gee, thanks! And I love to take inputs from people who otherwise never ask me anything, or enquire about my status or plans for a baby or two. ^WiseGuy^

I promise that my post is not as classy as the brilliant title. I am through with the Wedding 2, and am about to depart tonight for my current-abode city. You know what happens when you are in a swarm of people...close, not-close, too-close, about-to-get-close, were-close, want-to-be-close, not-close-but-prying-close, moles. Oh, so you have been married how many years now? Six? Okay. And any Baba, Baby? *** Oh, so she is your niece. She is your SIL's daughter. Oh, but are you not the No. 2 DIL? Your SIL is No. 3 no? *** What girl? You are not planning or what? Then came another pearl. The next day of the wedding, my eldest BIL was lamenting that none of the brothers get together now like they once used to. With that thought, he said Oh come on, we must planning something soon, before these two (pointing at the newly-weds) get into the queue(i.e. have a baby on the way)... I was sitting there in the group and it struck that I was not counted in the likely soon-visitors of Babyland. ...

Yeah! Thanks for the comments, ladies! And I am still hoping for more input on the previous post! There are a few things that rose from the comments left on the previous post. For one, I did not have to sing sad songs for people to guess our fertility plight. In the environs where I exist, it is quite acceptable to be having a baby in the arms before the first wedding anniversary arrives. (One of my school friends had a baby two months prior to her first wedding anniversary, and we used to joke that she conceived on her nuptial bed). The second norm is to wait for a year or two and then have kids. We are way past the norm. People know we have been going to doctors. My mother is an OB/GYN. It is obvious. If we are not showing sociopathic tendencies and there is no blooming in the garden, everybody has just guessed the condition. I am also blessed with nosy relatives/close family. And people ask on the face. That sets everything on the table. But it still pinches me when people ask. When...

Last night, I dreamt that I helped a lady in delivering a baby. It was a normal delivery. The woman was in labour and I refused to do it, but the male companion of the woman asked me to deliver it, since I was a doctor's daughter and had some idea of doing it, to say the least. It was a male child that I delivered. The setting was the old house that once me and my family occupied - the house I grew up in. I remember using the back door of the house to come out. It was dark, perhaps late in the night, but lights were on in most of the homes and people could be seen. Then I observed the tree that was there in a nearby compound. I remember the tree, it was a very tall mango tree, that had almost taken a shot at kissing the sky with its height. The tree had branches and leaves on only the top 30 percent of its length. Another person that I recognize from my real life, told me that the tree was evil. I remember seeing the tree, and feeling the coldness and darkness enveloping it. That...