My Lady of the Lantern

# Please skip this post if you are not in the mood for any sensitive/emotional heavy-duty stuff. One particular November I was preparing 'all guns out' to conceive. I was all out, and I jumped all hurdles listening to ' Perfect ' at all those jumps except....except for the last one barrier - that one hurdle that mattered the most to me. I was not prepared to fail. I processed it in shock, numbness, despair and disbelief. I grieved and mourned for the three babies I lost to my dumb body. And it was those three that I clutched to as my lost gems, till another bat hit me right on my face. A Sunday, not far from today, I was resting when I thought of the other six that did not make it. Look at me, I was so partial to the trio that I completely glossed over the other six lives I half-created. What if I had not failed? What if I had the triplets? The other six would still not have found me. I have never imagined having nine children. I created and managed to lose all of them...

Yeah! Thanks for the comments, ladies! And I am still hoping for more input on the previous post! There are a few things that rose from the comments left on the previous post. For one, I did not have to sing sad songs for people to guess our fertility plight. In the environs where I exist, it is quite acceptable to be having a baby in the arms before the first wedding anniversary arrives. (One of my school friends had a baby two months prior to her first wedding anniversary, and we used to joke that she conceived on her nuptial bed). The second norm is to wait for a year or two and then have kids. We are way past the norm. People know we have been going to doctors. My mother is an OB/GYN. It is obvious. If we are not showing sociopathic tendencies and there is no blooming in the garden, everybody has just guessed the condition. I am also blessed with nosy relatives/close family. And people ask on the face. That sets everything on the table. But it still pinches me when people ask. When...

Monday: It’s night time. A session of lovemaking is in progress. On my side of the bed lies a copy of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. On his side of the bed, there is a copy of Robin Cook’s Outbreak. We are close to a fine conclusion, when I mentally work upon – “Hmmmm…will my child prefer Robin Cook over Plath?” . Can I see your jaw dropping here…just wait! Tuesday: We are returning home after dinner. Turn on the radio to find a beautiful track playing. I liked the song a lot when that particular movie released and over the period of time, try as hard as I could, I was not able to recall its first line. So when the song came on, not only did I not give it all my ears, but I also started wondering why did I forget to scout more the last time I thought of it. Then I start wondering about whether I should set it as my dialer tone? (Dialer tone is the music heard by anyone calling my mobile number). Then I think that since the song is about a mother searching for a son she has lost, people...