My Lady of the Lantern

I think I missed writing about this, but a few days back I wrote a 'difficult' mail to my mother. I put across eight questions, and most of them were about my IF struggle. I composed the mail, and I let it sit in the drafts for about two days before I actually pressed 'Send Mail'. I did get a reply. And I know that she tried to answer the questions the best she could. I am NOT convinced on some of the answers. But I was also mildly taken aback by her honest admissions on some of the questions. I do not want to make life difficult for people around me. But I am not at peace. I am struggling. I am struggling with myself, in my relationships, and I no longer look at God with the rose-tinted glasses anymore. I do not want things to be heaped on me. Before I figure out whether I would like to do W, I am burdened with the uh-latest X, Y and Z. And I am lost again. Anyways, I am now delving into finding out more about Pranayam. I do exercise. And as miserable as this may soun...

A little background info: This girl Xo , is the daughter of very close family friends of my parents, and has also been a student of mine at some previous point of time. She got married into a filthy rich family right out of her graduation. Recently saw her pics on Facebook, and I thought she looked gorgeous....the transformation from an average college going girl to a gracious lady of the house! And I commented the same to my mother - " Xo looked gorgeous". Now the fukdum: Now if I said " Xo looked gorgeous", I meant that Xo looked gorgeous. I did not mean: a. Xo looked gorgeous, but look at me... bwahabwaha ...I am so ugly, bloated, farting blown up. b. Wow, she has got everything...a rich husband, a beautiful home and great clothes and jewellery. c. Her life is so great, and look at me. None of the above thoughts crossed my mind ever. Now the fukdumer: Xo was told by some a$$h0le doctor (counselling skills are a frivolity) in a Big-City, that she will neve...

I like the title of the post. You don’t have to tell me because I am in love with my originality…truly madly deeply and no, the adjectives have got nothing to do with Savage Garden either. The basis of this particular post lies in one of my March posts ...nopes, I had not forgotten the comments or swept them away, they contributed to what I have come with today. To recap, I spoke of the bloated feeling I was still experiencing and the desire to lose some weight. I am still adamant on one aspect, and that is that my weight cannot be held responsible for my fertility, or its lack thereof…because there are so many other things that the docs will have to justify to me then. And as far as BMI indicators go, I am not obese, I am overweight...and that is nothing unusual. But I think that becoming fitter will boost my self-confidence and control my oestrogen levels…I had several options in mind… A. Walking/Jogging B. Joining a Gym for Exercises C. Joining this one personal care and health cent...

First of all, let me tell you that I am feeling nice today - because I feel free! Today is the first day, I am without any sanitary protection after a span of 13 days....Initially, it was precautionary...and then for the actual deed. I am glad its over. For now, atleast. Secondly, today morning, I was ruminating on a particular classmate [and groupmate] X whom I had in school. I was a part of a group of about 8 girls. I was tight knit with another girl, but we 8 hung out together. X got married almost right out of school - she must have been just 18/19 then....obviously she started TTC before the whole lot of us even thought of getting married. And she had a hard time....she changed doctors, she changed cities...finally about 8 years into the struggle she had a baby. I have not been in touch with her at all.....but I kept getting random bits about her through common friends. Once upon a time, I got told about what next she was about to do.... Would I myself have not become the gossip...

Day before yesterday, dear MIL had a sudden/or not so sudden bout of deep empathy for me. She told me that she understood my position (being infertile in a rapidly reproducing world). She herself has fought it. Yeah, is it so? She told me that she had my hubby after four years of marriage and it's a long time to have kids. But let me reveal the secret fertility history of hers. She was not experiencing primary infertility. She did conceive twice before the birth of my DH, and lost both the pregnancies in the second trimester. Both the times, the miscarriage did not happen on its own - she had done hectic travelling and if I understand correctly, she jumped off a running train once and lost the baby. And another time, she started having contractions in the night, but waited for the morning to arrive and then used a bus to travel to the hospital. She delivered the baby before she reached the doors of the hospital. I would attribute those losses to carelessness rather than God's ...

Because my doctor screamed NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO! for these: I am replacing all of that with the right food to get strapping pregnant! HeeHaw! ^WiseGuy^ Meanwhile, I am out to not get sued by openly claiming that I did not make the pics....got them from the sweet Berners-Lee invention and want to let the rights rest wherever they are!

Was checking up on Barren Advice given out by Melissa to Amy , the past week. Amy felt at a complete loss over talking to somebody whose IVF cycle had turned out a bummer and Mel felt that talking out was a better form of support rather than silence. I liked what she recommended - what with the ice-cream and works. But frankly, in real life, I would have preferred silence. Much of my fertility woes are an open book for my female colleagues, especially at the place I am working for the past 20 months or so. And it is difficult indeed to survive like this at a place where I seem to be the only one who is reproductively challenged. I do not have a disease. Only that I need to take timed efforts to do what they have glided through easily, sometimes more than once, and each time successfully. So, it is very tough to really understand. I have never had rude responses. But I can easily detect the 'pity' in their voices. For the past few months, I have stopped discussing my cycle cha...

I came back from my City X trip today morning itself. I spent the past two days at the above-indicated place. A detailed history of my fertility woes was noted and a new file with a new doc was created. ~~~~~@~~~~~ The centre is run by a husband and wife duo DJ and SJ, and both of them are doctors of repute. In fact DJ knew me as a kid, but we lost regular contact while I was in my Wonder Years. I had a lot of frank discussion with DJ and I posed him the same question, I have been posing a lot of my doctors….why do so many other people who have so many known root causes for infertility, so lucky in procreating (like my past-druggie cousin, and a schoolmate who was a Pan Parag fan). This guy was the only one who had a funny answer to that. He quipped, “ Does every hardworking guy get a promotion ?” Ah, thanks! Pretty soothing, you know! I have to admit, this was the only time I was smiling at the response. ~~~~~@~~~~~ DJ began his sermon with the line – It takes only one sp...