Day before yesterday, dear MIL had a sudden/or not so sudden bout of deep empathy for me. She told me that she understood my position (being infertile in a rapidly reproducing world). She herself has fought it. Yeah, is it so?
She told me that she had my hubby after four years of marriage and it's a long time to have kids. But let me reveal the secret fertility history of hers. She was not experiencing primary infertility. She did conceive twice before the birth of my DH, and lost both the pregnancies in the second trimester. Both the times, the miscarriage did not happen on its own - she had done hectic travelling and if I understand correctly, she jumped off a running train once and lost the baby. And another time, she started having contractions in the night, but waited for the morning to arrive and then used a bus to travel to the hospital. She delivered the baby before she reached the doors of the hospital. I would attribute those losses to carelessness rather than God's Will.
So when she tells me that she understands my position, I am not really sure that she does. That's because she tells me that she was in exactly my position, but the history reveals that to be incorrect.
I do not dig sympathy. And there is no craving I feel for every shoulder to cry on. I just want people to shut up and not draw corollaries to their own existence, every other conversation.
Is there a book titled - 'What not to tell an Infertile?'?
I am talking about the same person who has told me that being childless is just fine, so normal, and nothing to be too pained about. Tell me, had she not lost those kids, would my hubby have arrived? So can I have the courage to tell her as to why she did not stop after the first two miscarriages or how it would have felt to not have my hubby for a son?
She has gone to temples and spoken secret promises to God of getting a baby into her elder son's family.
She has subjected me to a magical powder concocted by some holy man to get me strapping pregnant.
She keeps on recommending prayer routines to get God to listen to my 'prayers'.
She has even asked me to stop going to doctors because they really can only do 'so much' and nothing more.
Where's my remote control? Or must I get pressed by every roaming finger?
^WiseGuy^
She told me that she had my hubby after four years of marriage and it's a long time to have kids. But let me reveal the secret fertility history of hers. She was not experiencing primary infertility. She did conceive twice before the birth of my DH, and lost both the pregnancies in the second trimester. Both the times, the miscarriage did not happen on its own - she had done hectic travelling and if I understand correctly, she jumped off a running train once and lost the baby. And another time, she started having contractions in the night, but waited for the morning to arrive and then used a bus to travel to the hospital. She delivered the baby before she reached the doors of the hospital. I would attribute those losses to carelessness rather than God's Will.
So when she tells me that she understands my position, I am not really sure that she does. That's because she tells me that she was in exactly my position, but the history reveals that to be incorrect.
I do not dig sympathy. And there is no craving I feel for every shoulder to cry on. I just want people to shut up and not draw corollaries to their own existence, every other conversation.
Is there a book titled - 'What not to tell an Infertile?'?
I am talking about the same person who has told me that being childless is just fine, so normal, and nothing to be too pained about. Tell me, had she not lost those kids, would my hubby have arrived? So can I have the courage to tell her as to why she did not stop after the first two miscarriages or how it would have felt to not have my hubby for a son?
She has gone to temples and spoken secret promises to God of getting a baby into her elder son's family.
She has subjected me to a magical powder concocted by some holy man to get me strapping pregnant.
She keeps on recommending prayer routines to get God to listen to my 'prayers'.
She has even asked me to stop going to doctors because they really can only do 'so much' and nothing more.
Where's my remote control? Or must I get pressed by every roaming finger?
^WiseGuy^
So many things said with good intentions come out as interfering and unthinking. It sounds like she is grasping in the dark for the right thing to say.
ReplyDeleteHow awful for her to have lost her two babies, she must be carrying so much guilt. I am and I did everything I was told.
Good to have you back.
xxx
"I just want people to shut up and not draw corollaries to their own existence, every other conversation."
ReplyDeleteYou've hit the nail on the head here. Misplaced empathy is evil in its own twisted way -- the person providing it feels all righteous but in fact they've only acted to diminish and patronize. That's the kind of empathy I can totally do without.
Glad you're back. Do not know what to say about your MIL. Wow.
ReplyDeleteUgh! So sorry you have to endure that from your mother in law. (In law stories make me grateful I'm single. Maybe someday I'll meet a nice orphaned man!)
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Pamela. It is diminishing and patronizing.
Regarding
"Is there a book titled - 'What not to tell an Infertile?'?"
Not a book that I know of, but there are a couple of great blog posts. This one from Tertia is WONDERFUL, but a bit strident. This one is also good, but softer in tone. Maybe you could print one out and send it to her.
Yeah, losing a baby from jumping off a train ... you two are so alike you should dress the same.
ReplyDeletehmmm....
I think that is one of my biggest bitches about IF: People have NO idea how to talk to some one that is infertile. No idea. There SHOULD be a book about how to talk to an infertile!
ReplyDeletePS-Glad your back!
Welcome back!
ReplyDeletePolly's comment made me laugh as I thought soemthing similar. Another fine example of her amazing empathy skills. Interesting that she "confessed" this all to you. It's a small step, if a seemingly backwards one.
Sweet that she's trying, but yeah, moving train and your experience really have little in common.
ReplyDeleteWelcome home!
Ungh. At least she's *trying* to make an effort now... I guess. But still, ungh.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're back :)