My Lady of the Lantern

- One's parents' friends are exactly that - parents' friends. - It is possible to deeply love and yet despise someone. - As a person, I can't handle company 24x7. I need some alone time. - No pain compares to watching something happen to your own child. - Some people enter your life for a brief while. They are very important in that phase. - Till there is life, there is hope. Till . - What's coming up next is sometimes completely un-guessable. - I punished certain people by shutting them out of my life not because they were any worse than some others, but because they were too soft as targets and it was entirely possible to torture them. I heaped my reaction too heavily on them. - I found myself capable of being very sad and yet being able to mingle and dissolve in a social gathering.

I was moisturizing my forearms when I realized that as of today, I was a year older. Darn it, I did not expect a birthday to bring me to that ! --- Kmina very aptly told me to not try to cross bridges till I actually came to the end of one, and apparently, I am not getting any good at that. Beyond the scope of what I write here, there has been some change on the professional front for DH, and even though I am in the know, and he is keeping it easy/low-key/simple, I know that there are worries written in the year ahead. Frankly, I do not want to rock the boat right now, and I can't help it coz if it comes down to that, we will be making some deep moves next year. When I was busy trying to conceive a child, we had relative financial stability... and now that stability is about to go bust. So like Kmina told me, I thought of not thinking about it at all, but my brain is too well-oiled to not mull over what is up.

Yesterday evening's doppler was good enough to convince SuperGyn to wait for a while longer before delivering Season. I go in for another doppler next Monday, but most probably I will be in Week 37 when I deliver this kid, rather than hovering in the Week 35 bracket (at the time of delivery). I was so relieved...I was chatty and smiling and light on my way back home from the clinic, and my mood has been suddenly way better. The CTGs will now happen on alternate days, and I have already had a round two of cortisone injections for lung maturity, so I am in a more stable place. And numbers be damned. Their machine got re-calibrated on Sunday after it had been thrown into hard-earned repairing, and the numbers looked different to me. But I don't care. The MCA flows are good. The baby is gaining weight, the fetal movements are great, and I am being monitored closely. Happy Happy. Image Courtesy: http://www.clker.com/cliparts/v/4/p/F/L/S/happy-bee-hi.png (Image not used f...

(The roots of this post are that I was miserable quite a while ago that CBub won't be able to preside in a position of which she would have been the first and obvious choice in my brother's wedding). One of the past weekends was my bro's wedding. And at one point of time, the children in our wedding party gravitated on their own towards the place which would have otherwise held CBub, had she been alive. They played and just enjoyed themselves while at it. And. And I found that I did not feel bad at all watching them doing this. I did not hold it against the children for being against my 'adult/grown-up' demands for leaving the space empty. Very significantly, I felt none of the pain I thought would happen at such a thing. The perfection of this moment lies in the fact that I remained calm and unmoved when I had originally thought I would be agonizingly excited over it. That I did not clam up or had to hold myself back. For more perfect moments, go visit Lori .

I have consciously decided to not purchase anything for Season till the kid arrives, and lives. I feel hopeful that he/she will survive. My mum once told me (before CBbub was born), that she would wrap the baby in gauze and bring it home, if that was all we had. I am ready with the gauze. I misplaced a good bit of clothes my SIL had handed me when I became pregnant with CBub. I neither made the efforts to look for them, nor were they present at their usual place. When I go to the hospital, there will be hardly any clothes at hand....I hope for mad rushes from family and friends to go buy socks, nappies, onesies...whatever that is needed. May that be the case. -------------------- Thank you very much for the responses on the last two posts. I have decided to not worry about the numbers that Season has been belting out. As a couple of bloggers did point out, I would like to factor in genetics in the readings. Also, as far as the pain is concerned, SuperGyn has already said that ...

I have been visiting SuperGyn's clinic every day since mid-December. One of the current concerns which she seems to verbalize every time is that, for all the dopplers that have been done (once a week so far; rest of the days I let CTG take over), Season seems to be doing well on most of the fetal parameters - BPD, HC and FL. But, Season has been consistently lagging on AC (Abdominal Circumference). In fact the circumference has been same for the past two dopplers (five-six days in between). The kid is active, so far all CTG reports have been good and no other problem appears in sight. 1. Should this lagging AC be of any importance to me? 2. Can it mean something, that the SuperGyn can't sweet-coat for me? 3. Would you be concerned about it? 4. Does this actually mean I am likely to have a very thin/low-weight baby? SuperGyn just insists that the baby must put on more weight. That is what she has been telling me all the time. And I weighed in 600 gms lower today, which is...

The area under the longest belly tip, especially a bit over the C-section scar has been sore for a while. It is slightly painful to touch as well. SuperGyn ruled out scar tenderness, and well, there is not much I can do. Have any ideas on what could be causing it?

I seem to have lost my marbles lately. I bawled my eyes out because I specifically asked that they don't shut the room door from inside, and they did it. I went to take bath in my parent's washroom, and shut the door of the bedroom from inside, because I knew a certain someone would knock on the door and want to take out the bag that was left behind. And obviously because I was extra-busy washing the 24-hour old grime off my divine body, I would be unable to open the door. That's called revenge . That's called crying at such a stupid stupid stupid thing. I could have managed this through more rational ways - like how about knocking politely, but I seem to be taking puerile routes through and through. I am stressed, and it triggers at whatever. I am not continually stressed, but it seems I am a good candidate for 'handle with care' . Oh yes, I am biologically an adult.

I consider it a brilliant idea to post a list of pregnancy symptoms decently before the pregnancy ends. I had been aggregating the list over a couple of weeks, and I realize that if I were writing all of these things now, I wouldn't be able to infuse any humour, because I have been very volatile lately. And I have unintentionally slipped into Mode Selfish , and even though I have been reading the comments and holding them close, I have not made the efforts to either hit 'Reply' or go back to the respective blogs and return your sweet consideration. I suspect this selfishness will be on for a while, so bear with me, and hang on with me. Please. And thank you. And please. And well, thank you. I haven't missed the words, but I am currently looped out. The Said Symptoms - -Are there oil wells on the South Pole? I hope there are, because my kid will be very employable considering the practice he/she is getting at drilling in that direction. -It is easier for me to ans...

15th December was epic meltdown (x2) day. I went for a scheduled doppler, and by the grace of human error ended up having the wrong EFW mentioned on my photo cards. SuperGyn (thankfully) insisted that the baby was not putting weight as it should, and that the AC continued to be on the lower side. Combine that with the fact that though the FHR was good, the loop of cord was present again, and Season decided to remain staid throughout the doppler, and that is how I was sent for a CTG. The smart-whatever began kicking as soon as the CTG was put on my stomach. Having had words raining at my ears, and feeling the kid move when docs had otherwise failed to make him/her move, I kind of lost it and began crying while the CTG machine was belted on my tummy. This kid wasn't making my life easier. The baby's progress was put on a growth chart, and to my dismay it indicated that the growth had plateaued. I was asked to repeat a CTG in the evening. The CTG went well, but as a further con...

And this is how we rock 0110 hrs!

I have mentioned before that I requested the dreaming to go away . Seems like the vivid meaningful dreams are back in full force. The signs lie in the following two: Dream I - Early morning hours of 7th December I was sitting cross-legged on one of the beds in our apartment at UsualCity. We tend to use that bedroom during summers. It was around 10-11 in the morning. Season was there as an infant. (And from the dream it appears Season is a boy). Anyways, I was crying because in my hands was a HPT and it had two lines. The tears were not of pure joy. Dream II - Morning of 8th December; just before I work up (sometime between 6 - 7: 30 a.m.) I was sitting on the PC. It was almost midnight and on some whim managed to dial the number of someone to wish happy birthday. When I realized I woke up the other person, I apologized and kept the phone. The birthday person immediately phoned up on our landline, and I requested him/her to call back on my cell phone so that I can receive it in my...

I am going to do a Gandhi, and be very painfully truthful. It is painful because I am about to paint myself in a bad light here. One of my mum's close friends came by today evening to show what gift she had purchased for my bro and would-be SIL. The pearls are ugly lovely. Except that this lady had scrimped on what she gave me on my wedding. I hated the lovely pearls. (Sneer) I am jealous like that. ---- If it was not for Words with Friends, there wouldn't be anything at all that I do out of pure interest currently. I have lost my passion. ---- December can't end fast enough. I was looking forward to the impending event in the family, but I now want it done and for the new year to roll by. Sadly, a day lasts for a day. ---- I should have been born in the house of a chocolatier or perhaps married one. Image Courtesy: http://www.socialliteracytoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/emotions-mixed.jpg (Image not used for commercial reasons and no copyright ...

Because I was the school girl who had revised the entire syllabus knowing the exam next morning would still be a tough one - the kind where tricky questions are expected. I was just that girl. I am feeling better today because my CTG went well. I can smile about yesterday, today. I was so nervous!

# 1. People have begun asking me when I am due. I know my EDD, but I tend to answer the question with beginning of January. I don't want to lie, but if Season comes early, I don't want people to have a prejudiced notion that in case Season needs NICU and all that, it is because of prematurity. I want him/her to be considered a normal child with the usual things being expected of him/her rather than people forming a first impression of him/her through the preemie status. I can't have another PDA equals to hole-in-the-heart, and hence ooh-severely-complicated layman interpretation of whatever is going on with this child. ----****---- # 2. I still have modest aspirations that I will see atleast 35 weeks of pregnancy, and go on to 36 weeks gestation ideally. Ideally. But I know that when the time comes and if it is not what I am mentally comfortable with, I will respect SuperGyn's decision and will trust her to bring this baby out as safely as possible.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. Yes, I am aware of all the nuchal cord disclaimers....Yes it can slip in, and slip out....and all of that.... Except that I know my history. Except that I am sure that if things are meant to go right, they WILL go right. Except that I know there is not much I can do than to keep looking at my own nutrition and rest and the baby's well-being in the intervening time. Except that I woke up soggy brained and teary in the morning today. Except that I wanted to cry, and thought will bawl my eyes out when mummy is out for the hour. Except that tears have a mind of their own, and can't be scheduled. Instead, I am sitting in front of the laptop and have my fingers beating down the keypad. I can't cry but just writing it out here makes me feel a wee bit better. Except that I hope that lightning wont strike twice. Except that I managed to turn into a scared mouse in the elephant that runs from wall to wall and then h...

Had a Doppler today, and it took me some internal calming when I saw a loop of cord closely encircling Season's neck. Not to flip you either, but I also had my first cortisone injection (for lung maturity) and have another one scheduled tomorrow. I hope to go to end of December atleast, and ideally the first week of January. Monitoring is the hot key now. Made me think of this: Image Courtesy: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7LFOxCoi_smY1Q509epKTIXfinMp4vrxwHeIFoRN05AFfZIN9QJt31vDSAGKbwYLnLP06EdLfoH1KqKgJXKTyKmYQNAueBG3AICliTD9AXrncgUwaAZ4j5UC3ZMwVbsFzPihiX8pjHHk/s400/new+trailer+3-2009+objects+in+mirror.jpg (Image not used for commercial reasons, and no copyright claimed by the blog author.)