My Lady of the Lantern

Hope you all have a wonderful 2009! All the very best! ^WiseGuy^

Monday: It’s night time. A session of lovemaking is in progress. On my side of the bed lies a copy of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. On his side of the bed, there is a copy of Robin Cook’s Outbreak. We are close to a fine conclusion, when I mentally work upon – “Hmmmm…will my child prefer Robin Cook over Plath?” . Can I see your jaw dropping here…just wait! Tuesday: We are returning home after dinner. Turn on the radio to find a beautiful track playing. I liked the song a lot when that particular movie released and over the period of time, try as hard as I could, I was not able to recall its first line. So when the song came on, not only did I not give it all my ears, but I also started wondering why did I forget to scout more the last time I thought of it. Then I start wondering about whether I should set it as my dialer tone? (Dialer tone is the music heard by anyone calling my mobile number). Then I think that since the song is about a mother searching for a son she has lost, people...

I have nothing to tell. Swim back ! ^WiseGuy^

Elana gave me an award… see that pretty badge ..see see? The rules for this one are to admit my 5 addictions and then pass it on to 5 bloggers… #1 Chocolates – the darker the better. I can have chocolates at any time of the day. I do not like white chocolate unless the brand reads – Lindt! #2 Books – I enjoy reading a lot! My hobbies have changed a lot since the time I was a kid, but reading is the one hobby that has stuck on! #3 Desperate Housewives – Yeps, I can scuttle a plan of an outing, if the timing coincides with the show timing. I also tend to have the TV on when I am in the house, even if I am not actively watching it (in such cases, it is either music or news that plays). (Please do not judge me intellectually over this). #4 Keeping my nails short – I hate to have dirty nails and I can’t handle long nails either. Convent schooling has to be thanked for it! #5 Quirky Cleanliness – Any kind of smell on my hand, go wash! Dust, go wash! Had food, go wash! Also my study tabl...

As I end this year and stand at the entry of a brand new milestone in TTC battle, I think it is necessary to recap what this year brought for me. I began this year with cipher. And though there is no baby in my arms, I am not ending this year with a cipher . This year has been eventful. My lap and D&C happened this year. For a long time, I had a hard time convincing my own mother (also a doc) that ‘we’ may have a fertility problem. She was one of the last persons to realize this. I used to have super periods. I was lucky to be having them regularly and predictably. This year, my periods were regular but unpredictable in terms of actual dates. Most of them had me in pain . There was heavy bleeding and in some cycles, prolonged bleeding. I had just come out of Anti-Koch’s this year (six-month medicine course ending in Jan 2008). Overall, I will say that my general sense of well-being has been shaky for the past 18 months. When I started anti-Koch’s, I had an almost arthritic pain i...

Wondering what that title means? Not to fear, because Show and Tell is here! This is a pic of my SIL’s daughter, S (taken in end-October). At that point of time, she was still learning to turn herself and sitting with support. This picture is of an evening feed. Her mother is supporting the bottle, while she has a go at playing with herself. Only when she gets really hungry, would she not let someone else hold the bottle, and would do the honours of holding the bottle herself. I think it is one of the several memorable photos of her, I would like to share when she grows up. Don’t kids ask, “How was I as a baby/when I was growing up”? Well I have solid proof to show! What say? To find out about who else brought the apples for the class teacher, just click here ! ^WiseGuy^ Post Script: End-October, I was mentally preparing myself for the IVF cycle. End-October, I wondered whether I would be pregnant on my birthday.

I have been feeling very off-the-hook for the past few days. I am not really grinding myself with the who, why me or how of my infertility. Can I call it subfertility (it feels better and that is how one of my doc files recites my case)? There is something gnawing at me and I am seeking some closure for it. Nancy wrote a beautiful comment for me on a previous post. Though it singed to read it initially, I have to thank her for being resolute and pointing out facts rather than just core-cushioning me. And though I did not write much of a response to her beyond a sheer ~Thank You~, she gave me a lot of food for thought. So here it is: I believe I was pregnant. And that my beta was tested after the levels started falling, hence the BFN. For me any later pregnancy and resulting children will not be 4, 5 or 6. I believe my babies are destined for my womb only. And so those who went away will come back to me again eventually. I am at peace, for now! ^WiseGuy^

That sounds like a good question, doesn’t it? Several things – One , I am not going for any ultrasounds till March 2009. Two , No pill-popping whatsoever (discounting the tapering in Wysolone dosage). Three , No needles, no syringes and no Lupride! Four , No counting cycle days, no worrying about ovulation. Just keep a tab of when AF is expected. Five , Read books and unwind by stressing over Phd synopsis. Six , Introspection. Seven , Connect better – with everybody including the guy in the deep skies or the seas or wherever the humans claim him to be! Eight . Keep a low profile in office! Nine , what do you think should be the ninth item in my list? ^WiseGuy^

Hello everybody! For this Show and Tell, I have pics of Lotus flowers that I clicked today afternoon while returning from a trip. These flowers are pink. The other shades that I have seen include white, blue(amazing) and yellow. The petals of this flower open up as soon as the sun is up and then close again, as the dusk approaches. The pictures have been clicked froom my mobile phone camera. To go back to other people's classwork, just click here ! ^WiseGuy^

Been Tagged by Clio ... This looks fun, so I really have to have a go at it! The rules are: 1. Link to the person who tagged you. 2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs. Hmm....which of my seven quirks do I pick up? 1. If I could keep Christian names for my children, my daughter(if any/ever) will be called Yvonne. I have had a fancy for this name since I was an undergrad! 2. I like chocolates to the extent of dreaming of finding myself in a Hansel and Gretel position some day. 3. I am a water-waster, especially when taking a bath. Being told to use a limited amount of water is a big turn-off for me. 4. I think that if I were an animal, I would be represented best by a Polar Bear. 5. I have a good memory - especially for names and faces. 6. I am very moody. And when I am not really high, I am not interested in what I am wearing, or my appearance, or jewellery or the way my hair has been tied. 7. My favourite pla...

Caught you, didn't I? Ha, the blog title is just a joke. Please do not take it seriously. Yesterday, DH was reading to me from a book that spoke of men and women and why they are the way they are and what they are and such. DH read about what the genders say, and what it actually means. The post title is what the book interpreted men-talk to be. Anyways, not only did DH read me the 'joke', he was even role-playing a bit and though, I had read the joke in some e-mail forward, it really made me laugh. I also attended a pre-wedding, song party at my landlord's yesterday evening. One of my neighbours(mother of two kids) enquired: So, what are your plans? //Don't get her wrong. She is definetely not asking about my career plans. She wants to know when I will have kids. Prompt Reply: By my 15th anniversary for sure! // Don't get me wrong. I was only buying time! he...he...he... I am still waiting for the Disco Lights to pop over my head! ^WiseGuy^ P.S. This post is p...

Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived in a high tower. She did not have very long hair, nor her song was as sweet. She did not even meet dwarfs and bears in her whole life and her mirror could not talk. Her horse was just a horse. Anyways, her father got her married off to somebody in the next high tower and this princess thought that like all others - her maids, friends and neighbours, there would be blossoming in her garden as well. So year after year, when there were invitations from neighbouring kingdoms for baby showers and birthdays, the princess really did not realize anything was wrong. Are you actually reading this? I really don't want to continue the story like this. I am so pregnancy-unexperienced. Want to know why? I was talking to my mother yesterday and I came to know that the cramping and bleeding I had on Decemeber 2nd was when I aborted! What? I aborted? Seriously, is that abortion? Am I crazy? You mean there was no implantation failure? What? Am I turni...

I am still in utter disbelief. I can’t understand what went wrong and where. I can’t ever understand these numbers. One particular IUI, a doc said that there was a 10 percent chance of success. I was mentally able to calculate the failure percentage, but I just could not comprehend the heartache of being in the rest 90 percent. This particular hospital I was with for IVF w/ICSI quoted a very high success rate (no, nothing phoney, that much is checked out). But again I just could not understand the grief of being on the other side of the success range. I just can’t absorb this in the first go. There were so many positive vibes and signs this time. I had my mother with me all the time. God can’t prove even her correct? I have always trusted her to have a deeper, truer, stronger bond with God. Does she feel betrayed? I do not know. I will never ask her this question as well. I could be in any amount of trouble, but if my mother stood by me, I always knew that everything will be alright....

Hello, How have you been doing? Today there are no pictures that I can share with you. What I want to share is the content from a queer dream I had. I have mentioned that dream previously as well. But, given what has happened, I believe that there was some message for me which I could not understand then. This is what I saw: I saw one snake and two hares hunting for prey - the hare were flanking the snake on either side. I was sitting on the floor in a room where I was observing them at a close distance. Now, I am not a snake lover and I was scared looking at that hissing snake. The room is from an old home we once occupied. A large part of my school and college life was spent in this home. I am not too sure about what they were hunting. The hare were grey and the snake had a shiny leopard-dots skin. At this point of time I was woken up. Interpretation(s): 1. Three animals - three embryos 2. An aunt told me that seeing a snake is an indicator of having possibly conceived a male child...

My news is not a secret from you. Let me count the ways, Thursday brought us wrong news. The SIL of my mother's domestic help was 6 months pg and had severe jaundice. She lost her baby and is still unconscious. The day I had my ET, I told you about who all I shared my recovery room with. Well the other lady who had her ET on the same day (November 20) also tested negative. We learnt of a death (of a very young woman, under-30) in our close acquaintances. She was just out of labour. The baby has survived. ^WiseGuy^

I have not turned cold. No, I am getting these bouts where tears do escape me. Today evening, my mother sat down on the floor, laid her head on my lap and just kept her head down. I know she was seeking some warm reassurance from me. That is what I did not give to her. I would have balled out - cried like crazy and somehow I am not into public displays of my frustration with myself, with God (I really am upset with this guy) and with why I always have to have the harder path to achieving simple things that seem to fall effortlessly into other people's life. I could not give in. Who needs that reassurance more? Yesterday night, almost my whole family cried in front of me. Dad and bro had their share of tears when I was not there. But my mother followed me upstairs. I wanted to take a bath. She did not let me go till we bear-hugged. She was shaken. She was like - "Oh God, so many injections, so many tablets?". She almost feels responsible for me for having gone through this...

Let's get to the technical aspect of this failure. I had apparently good eggs and good sperms. Apparently, my fertilization potential is also superb. Apparently, I am too good to be true. :( It is obvious that there was implantation failure. For what reason? There are no clear reasons for the same. My doc told me that some 'fragmentation' was visible in the embryos that were created. Fragmentation is not a sign that pregnancy will not occur. But, it is certainly a demoting factor in embryo grading. But lower quality embryo does not mean that embryo is not viable. My doc recently had a successful conception with severely fragmented embryos. But I have always been on the wrong side of statistics. That, apparently, is my problem. My embryos, did not go beyond the four-cell stage. None of them did. If you remember from my previous posts, 9 embryos had been created, out of which three were transferred. Well, my doc did not freeze any of them. None of the left-over grew! The next...

I am so sorry that you are no longer with me in physical existence. Three of you there and I could not negotiate the life of even one from Mother Nature? I am so sorry. I do not even know when you left me. Why did you not give me a sign? Any sign? I do not know how many random moments I have talked to empty spaces, patted on an empty vase. Why did I not know? I think I will cry...I already have....but I am trying to hold back...

How have y'all been doing? Since the evening of December 2nd, I have been having intermittent bleeding/spotting. That evening,I rushed to the centre. I was in utter throes of despair. However, sonography revealed that there was no sign of a period on its way. I have been put on bed rest again and the rest of the decisions will be taken after my beta (for which I will be submitting a blood sample, in a few hours from now). Please pray for me. I have been given a mild sedative to help me sleep through the night. I hope things do work out in the end. ^WiseGuy^

....I would not pee! Ha Ha Ha...you can imagine my state of mind. I totally have lost it. Still three days to go and I am not clamping up? What's wrong with me? Or does my mind have a foregone conclusion. Three days, Nostradamus, three days! ^WiseGuy^