My Lady of the Lantern

I birthed Kaiser ( in a dream, thankfully ) on the night of 14th November. Of course, in my dream, the date and situation were very different. I was in office and felt the baby coming. Next thing I know the baby was born...I remember it was in the rear end of an empty classroom on the ground floor (of the institute's building). I do not remember any pain...Also, I was smashing conscious enough to record the date of birth and time as November 28 and 0820 Hrs. Kaiser was very healthy. In fact, by the afternoon, I had him sitting in my arms and I was moving around. The peculiarities do not end there. Kaiser had a thin moustache line. He looked a bit like my father. I was telling everybody that Kaiser was due in February but he had been born early and look how healthy he was. Kaiser had the weight and strength of a 5 month old. He was supporting his neck and sat well on my arm. And where did his clothes come from? I don't know. The dream ended there. Next day, I phoned up my mother...

# Please skip this post if you are not in the mood for any sensitive/emotional heavy-duty stuff. One particular November I was preparing 'all guns out' to conceive. I was all out, and I jumped all hurdles listening to ' Perfect ' at all those jumps except....except for the last one barrier - that one hurdle that mattered the most to me. I was not prepared to fail. I processed it in shock, numbness, despair and disbelief. I grieved and mourned for the three babies I lost to my dumb body. And it was those three that I clutched to as my lost gems, till another bat hit me right on my face. A Sunday, not far from today, I was resting when I thought of the other six that did not make it. Look at me, I was so partial to the trio that I completely glossed over the other six lives I half-created. What if I had not failed? What if I had the triplets? The other six would still not have found me. I have never imagined having nine children. I created and managed to lose all of them...

Well he was definitely not saying: 'Respect My Authoritah!!!' I know that by now you must have lost track of all the loony paths I take you to...but hold my hand patiently while I walk you through another realm of irrationality. I dream. My mother dreams. My aunts dream. The street-dog in the next lane dreams. We dream different. Sometimes our dreams cross paths. At such times, we do stop by the picket fences in the moonlight-filled haze to wave at each other. There is a bit of information I withheld from you guys. The morning of 21st November 2008, when I woke from my dream, another aunt reported seeing something, and a second aunt reported something. We did not see the same thing, but it was all connected. My second aunt was not even aware of what I had been upto in my stellar reproductive quest. My mother did not see anything. I am not a dabbler in paranormal. I am not even recommending it. But my mother recently saw a dream and God apparently asked her for me to do a back-t...

...no September baby(s) for me. That still leaves October, November and December 2010! AF expected on Tuesday...let's get this party on board now! P.S. I had a funny moment with trying to POAS today. I have to remember not being too sleepy-brained next time. ^WiseGuy^

* I am relieved to not be packing AF protection gear in my bags this time. One less thing to worry about indeed. * Thanks to reading it here and there, I have become very sensitive to my own EWCM pattern, and even though I do not have any ovulation pain, the gush of EWCM tells me what my body is upto. Atleast for the last cycle, I was aware. And this cycle too, I could distinctly make it out. The report card for this month is yet to be published though. * Metformin? I started waddling in the medicine slush beginning August 2009. Immediate to me starting Metformin, I spoke of how my loo trips had increased . Well, even though that part is subsided, there is one persistent thing that still is staying with me, and that is the bowel department has got a little screwed up – not good or bad screwed up, but adequately anomalous to the routine. I am not writing any more on this as it is very embarrassing, but it was important for me to document this as a side effect. * Another thing is that...

AF arrived yesterday evening. Bloggers, Aaafra Faafra is visiting me. Tweetypies, Agnedy Fugnimima has come! Am glad that she did not act up on me this cycle. I would have wanted an alternate scenario, for it to not have arrived at all. But, not being pregnant and not having the periods is horrible. The other thing is that unlike the medicated cycle in September, I won’t be doing Clomid in October and November. I had to decide on this fast because AF was here, and the cycle day count had been reset. I think doing round after round of ovulation inducing medication had contributed to the cyst (now disappeared, thankfully) and I do not want to make the same mistake again. I want to be more precise in terms of when I want to use these medicines. If I had an iota of hope that I would be able to manage timed s#x these two months, I would have given Clomid a shot, but I know that it won’t be possible. We would be travelling, or spending time with his family, or attending the two major w...

Well there had been a meeting in the office on Saturday evening and the Director asked us to submit choices for assignments in the next calendar year by Tuesday. The deal is that we may not get exactly everything of our liking, but allocations are made looking at preferences. If you remember this November post , my extended stay in City I then had caused me to surrender a plum assignment. Well, this time I was openly asked whether I would want to do it this year, and I turned down the offer outright. There is so much commitment (time, efforts and strategizing) involved that if I am planning an IVF/ICSI cycle again, there would be an ill-available me at some key points. Anyways, I spoke to my Director yesterday, (in private, behind closed doors) and I let him know that I am likely to take a month off. (My problem is that I need to travel overnight to a totally different city to meet my RE and there are no appropriate experts available here in G ). For IUI or just timed cycles, medical ...

Hello People, There are a couple of issues where I will love to have your opinion/ practical tips/wisdom from experience on. a) In the run-up to the November ’08 IVF/ICSI, I was on a cocktail of Lupride, FSH and Wysolone (that’s a steroid), among other sweet things. Apart from the other symptoms, I had experienced a general sense of being ‘bloated’ then. My problem is that even though I have gone off all those things, lately I feel bloated again. Especially after a meal, it is as if my entire tummy swells out – I look four months (what a joke!). And there is a definite swelling on my left hand (the same bangle acts tougher sliding in/out of that hand). And the lower parts of my legs ache in the morning (though the pain quickly goes with mobility). Have you too experienced this? I could phone up my mother, but lately she has been obsessed with answering pranayam to all the problems of this planet. b) I want to lose weight a bit. And I am unsure of what exercises must I take up since ...

Went through the latest Barren Advice column on SQ recently. The lady’s issue was the jealousy she experienced when she heard of a fellow infertile finally striking lucky. Mel’s advice was great, and I am not about to counter it….but I absorbed the question and inspected it from my own angle. Recently, two fellow IF bloggers revealed their positive HPTs. My first spontaneous reaction was jubilation . I was really happy for them, and I do frown on every worry that they reveal. So have I become the high-morals, priestess of good virtues in the IF land? No way! One of my later responses to their posts on their new status, is the constant urge to have the opportunity of posting the same kind of subject as they do. Is that a mark of jealousy? I would have to again deny that. But it kinds of raises the aspiration level I have from myself. I have had moments I am not too proud of. At a point of time in 2007, in-laws were visiting us. They had first visited my BIL (in a different city), and ...

Okay, so went to the hosp again and I was asked to get a sonography and E2 (Estradiol)test. E2 levels indicate that my uterus is close to the Luteal phase. My injection orgy will start from November 7. Meanwhile, four more medicines have been added to my daily diet including Folic Acid and low-dose aspirin. ^WiseGuy^

So, let’s have a update quickie! I came to City I past Sunday and was putting up at my in-laws’ place. Had a good family reunion for Diwali. Now, I have shifted to my mother’s place (reminder: mom is my background doc) and am more relaxed. But I am in a dilemma right now. You see, I have my IVF in November and so, I was expected to be in City I around 3rd November for half-dozen daily injections. Originally the plan was to have the first shot here in City I and then travel back to City G to settle office chores and apply for a longer leave. I would have carried my injections with me and would have again returned back for last shot, so that immediate monitoring could begin. Now I am being advised that rather than leaving on 3rd only to return on 7th, I must not go back at all. It is a tempting prospect. After all, I am already about to take a 20 day break from office minus-pay, so what are 4-5 days more? But, I am concerned about the things that require my attention in office and what ...

Ah, DH was planning a Singapore trip for both of us in early December this year. I would have travelled back after the vacation and he would have stayed on for a couple of days, for business reasons. I should have been jumping with joy (after all, this trip was one of the reasons why my passport was rushed), but I am not. Want to know why? Coz, I may be pregnant then. And if I were to be preggie, it would automatically come into the category of a high-risk pregnancy. Of course, there is no guarantee that I will be preggie in December but my IVF is planned for November. So, What if ?