My Lady of the Lantern

I dedicated today to Farmville and playing catch-up with blogs. I had another do-on-PC thing lined up but from the look of it, I am not going to do it at all today. I have these moments where I count and recount my days and specifically think of what I felt before and now, and how drastically different I feel. I spent a long time imagining being pregnant, and now that I actually am, I think I could not have anticipated the emotional and mental shift really. Milestones, they are all there - concrete and dated. The constant sacred knowledge of carrying another life inside? It is dizzying and powerful. But more than that, it is transforming and humbling. I feel amazing. I have instances of being scaredy cat, and other times I am too elated, but still to know that I will be holding my child in my arms soon is so comforting. And now, I am on two boats...one that wants to stop the ticking away of the clock, and the other one where I want to hasten week 21 to week 35 in a minute... One thing ...

We talk about KYC, meaning Know-Your-Customer. The title? It means K-Y-I, i.e. Know-Your-Infertile. This happened on Saturday morning, and it took me just two seconds to decide not to post it. And then it happened again, today evening. Saturday morning, I was climbing down the stairs, when my neighbour (to whom I had spoken cipher times before that; a complete stranger) kind of joined me on the same. I mentioned the weather, and her second question to me? How many children do you have? Her third question? How long have you been married? Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah! And today evening while I was making my way from the parking lot to the escalator, the watchman handed me some mail, and asked I don't see any children around. Where are the children? On my response that I have no children as yet, he asked... How long have you been married? Can I please kill you now? New building. New people. Same old questions. Same old need-to-know-everything . {You want the truth? You can't handle the truth...

Why do women start acting up when they are pregnant? Why do they believe that men cannot understand what they are going through, and that husbands are slaves? DH came fuming over a colleague's tale. I won't narrate the whole details of the incident, coz that would confuse you, but the story goes like this... hubby's subordinate's wife is expecting. That couple has been at loggerheads for about four-five days. The wifey and her hubby are playing one-up by shooting each other's suggestions down. This subord had seeked to share my domestic help for a while to relieve his pregnant wife a bit. He finalized the help, but when the hired help visited the home, the wife turned him down, just to spite her husband. What has happened is that, the couple had been driving down a road, and the hubby missed a pit, and the woman felt a very strong jerk. She is pissed off at her DH for being so careless. And the husband is pleading innocence, saying that he never meant to do so, that...

I asked: X, am I infertile? I was told: No. It is a matter of time. Everything is a matter of time. How much is enough time? How much is not much time? Is the statement denial? Or is it a failed attempt to console? Is the statement an encouragement to persevere? Or is it relying on hope? Is the statement meant to wriggle harmlessly out of the anguish? Or is it meant more to convince oneself rather than the enquirer? What would your take on the reply be? [Especially, when you know that the person saying that (a) loves you a lot and (b) is expected to handle people more professionally, (c) is now being forced to face the fire not from a stranger, but by close family.] ^WiseGuy^

A little girl is accompanying her mother to a neighbour's house. Girl: Mummy, am I healthy? Mummy: Of Course, you are. Two decades on, I am yet to ask my mother whether I am infertile. Not that I do not know, but I don't know when I grew up and stopped asking things or sharing my wonder of the world with her. I would confirm almost everything with my mother. Almost. ^WiseGuy^

Day before yesterday, dear MIL had a sudden/or not so sudden bout of deep empathy for me. She told me that she understood my position (being infertile in a rapidly reproducing world). She herself has fought it. Yeah, is it so? She told me that she had my hubby after four years of marriage and it's a long time to have kids. But let me reveal the secret fertility history of hers. She was not experiencing primary infertility. She did conceive twice before the birth of my DH, and lost both the pregnancies in the second trimester. Both the times, the miscarriage did not happen on its own - she had done hectic travelling and if I understand correctly, she jumped off a running train once and lost the baby. And another time, she started having contractions in the night, but waited for the morning to arrive and then used a bus to travel to the hospital. She delivered the baby before she reached the doors of the hospital. I would attribute those losses to carelessness rather than God's ...

I am crying... as of now, my cheeks are wet following a breakdown I had, while in a phone chat with mom. My mother is now working as an OB/GYN with the same centre where I went for my IVF w/ICSI. Today she was chatting up a nurse (who gave me most of the shots and miscellaneous), and the nurse said that S must try and lose some weight. My mother told her that I was already on that path. That is it! That's when I just cracked with seething rage. I told my mother that if ever doctors or their associates give me this crackpot advice, I am going to ask them to write 5000 times , in their own handwriting: S will get pregnant for sure, if she loses weight. Since there is nothing else to really tweak in me, the commonest jab seems to be weight issue. Hell, I am seriously considering asking DH to start smoking, just to improve my chances! By my doctor's logic, some of my SILs should have never conceived (they did!), and druggie cousins should have been impotent and infertile for 400 ...