My Lady of the Lantern

I can feel Kaiser move!!! And it is amazing really. [Though I almost always find a bone to get crucked on.] Like, the first time I felt those solid kicks was evening, then a couple of days later I got a three-kicker on an afternoon after I laughed at a funny statement a student made. And now I am obsessed with finding some pattern. One morning, I woke up and felt Kaiser having a go at my innards. I must tell you it hurts to be losing a boxing match where you just can't get back. I did have my 'ha!' when I turned sides and the kicking reduced. I did not feel bad about countering Kaiser then, and now I am like 'Jeez, I should have let that continue' . Since then, Kaiser seems to have understood that Mamma does know a couple of tricks, and he/she seems to space out flutterings throughout the day...rather than odd fixed time-spots. And I kind of miss him/her doing the jig during evening time...Kaiser just won't persist with a pattern. I almost managed to post a r...

My parents were here this past week, and mummy taught me a few exercises before she left. So far, I have consistently managed to do it on alternate days ( shhhh....nobody tells her, okay? ). -- I bought maternity wear for myself ( quite some while ago )...few mix and match pieces that were looser/ oversized and so far I have been comfortable in my old clothes...I did take out one from the maternity gear, but it was only because I wanted some novelty. No surprise however is that I am 'showing' clearly now. So the next pearl from Office TV is a suggestion by colleagues to wear my clothes such that the bump remains covered. Another one elaborated that this way I could save myself from evil eye. Bwahaahaaaaa! -- I am sleeping better. -- If I keep my hand on my belly lightly, sometimes I do feel some sensation. It is evanescent, and that is why I wonder if what I am feeling is actually Kaiser doing his/her jig inside. But I am still confused, because I do not know if what I am feeli...

..as normal is normal these days. I have an off today from work and so far I am just riding it out. In fact, as I am typing this I realized I left something on the stove that I have not stirred in the last 30 minutes... ... stir stir stir... There was a workshop these past three days, and I took care to stay comfortable. For afternoon sessions, I used to intentionally sit in the last few rows so that I could rest my legs on an adjoining chair. And oy, on Sunday (day 2 of the workshop), a colleague (*sniff sniff, yes*) asked me if ' my baby was a test tube baby or normal' . It was a little deja vu of what Mel had covered in a post not too long ago. Well, I just replied that I had conceived the baby naturally. Normal is an idiotic term to use really. I am sixteen weeks, two days today, and hopefully will meet Dr. BS tomorrow night. ^WiseGuy^

I have too much to write and not enough time, so rather than posting separately and giving due honours to my ideas, I will just make a has-all kind of a post. I - Flashback We have a thing...mothers who drop something on their dress while eating sometimes quip that probably their kid is hungry. Before I say it, let's just say that I am not really Bella Swan in the eating department. But cleanliness? Yep, maybe. In August 2008, I was sharing some snack with a colleague and kind of dropped some tidbit on my dress. The fabric had a tidy splotch of oil from the drop. I quipped spontaneously, " Oh my child must be hungry ." My colleague rolled her eyes. She knew my stellar status. She asked, "Are you expecting?" I said ' No ' and laughed it off. Last Thursday, I and Birdman were enjoying ice-cream after our dinner, and I managed to have some chocolate drip onto my nightgown. I started smiling. I told him, " Oh Kaiser must be hungry ." I am so relie...

What happens when a colleague darts a 'Are you pregnant?' even before she manages to mouth a cursory greeting to you first thing in the morning? Well, when it happened to me today, I fumbled. I mumbled a 'No' and then changed my sentence to 'Yes, I am pregnant'. I had decided I would never lie about it. I had thought of revealing it myself, but I guess having too many married women in their reproductive age around you as colleagues comes with knowledge-strings attached. I know for one that I would have guessed it too. I know for two, that I would not have asked myself. The lady who asked me is not particularly close to me. The grapevine was fired up today in the office. I am planning to go meet my Director tomorrow and let him know. I am not sure if he has heard it already. Well, and my 'reveal' plans got butted out like some of the best-laid plans do. How do I feel about it? Well in one day, I had several pseudo- and genuine consideration filled encount...

* To watch the ticker progress to another day is such a blissful sensation. Way better than the ticker that pegged my attempt at ttc #1. * I had to reveal in to another colleague. I was forced to do it so that I could get some legit reprieve. It was not my intention. I am just hoping for the first trimester to roll over so that I can officially go and inform my Director and let it out in open as such. Anyways, she calls me 'Mama', whenever we are apparently alone. She is lucky that I am not feeling violent at all. * My leak-safe colleague ? Remember her? Well, a colleague poked me twice on my stomach and my blood boiled over. Seeing my change in expression, the colleague stopped, but Ms. Leak Safe started smiling. I just could not take her smiling. 'What are you laughing at?' was my question to Ms. Leak-Safe. She should have known better, but alas! * My MIL has forbidden me to leave the house on New Moon days. Yep, you read the sentence correctly. Forbidden. Till now t...

A tingling sensation coursed my veins when I typed the title of the post...how does it feel to actually say it, to type it, to think it, to be it? Anyways, I have my list of good blood tests coming up. I have taken half day leave for Friday, and a full day off for Saturday, and I will do the needful then. I would be ready with the reports when I get to my next appointment with Dr. BS. I had some heavy invigilation duty imminent on Sunday, and the only way I could duck it would be the Saturday off. I want to duck it. I have done my share of those in the past, and would not want to indulge in it right now. I can probably get excused by revealing, but I don't want to reveal yet. And oh, a colleagueriend(colleague+friend) knows. I told her. I would not feel very bottled up now, and she is 'leak-safe'. My life would turn a page every Tuesday, and I hope hope hope to be all good to read through each of it. -- Birdman came home today morning. I had put in two paper slips, one over...

…continued from previous post… The one thing I keep repeating on my blog is that I believe that I will have kids. I do believe that. But I also have this bubble-wrap of fear, a ring of mirth circling that thought. I may not have any kids at all. I do not think I am programmed to see myself childless in my future. I am prepared to live on with the trying, and bemoaning what has passed. But I can’t see myself staying unfulfilled. I can’t. I do think I will be a partial wreck, and disjointed invisibly if infertility was a permanent cloak for me to wear. I am not prepared to wear it forever. I also do not know what I will do with myself. Sadly, by the time I find that out, my future would have become my present. I lived with the initial trying. I lived with others trying. Now, I see those people looking for playschools, or planning for a change of schools, or preparing for a second, or the first birthday of their second. When I heard a colleague claim that almost all babies in X (my workp...

Okay, the nice news first! The great news is that my thyroid friend's pregnancy is on course! The baby is fine. She would be due in early December. *** While that thyroid friend finishes adding to her family (they won't be planning any more kids after this), I feel like I am still staring from the start line. She got married after me. She had her first before me. She will have her second before me. *** Our conversations will centre around among other things, her pregnancy updates and all. She has never actively asked about what I have been upto, on the kids front. I feel like a monkey with a hundred caps. I can throw around a cap only if I see somebody else doing it, or I would just throw all my caps on a whim. *** Well, for one thing, I did not share the news of my IVF or any of the IUIs with anybody including the thyroid friend. Because I know that I may never talk about it without crying, or I am still reserved about it. I can talk on issues of interest, just not my super-fa...

I was proofreading a colleague's thesis yesterday. In her acknowledgement, she mentioned her sweet angel, her daughter, and thanked her for being so patient with her mother in all the time she was doing her research. Hmmmm... Nopes, I will have to completely skip that mention. My kids are missing from real life. ^WiseGuy^

Her: So, how many years has it been? (Reference: Married Life) Me: Almost six years! Her: Wow! You don't look like that at all. So, you must have a baby? Me: Nah! But we are thinking of planning for one now. Her: ....Smiling.... Me: ....Smiling.... ^WiseGuy^ Situation: Casual chat with a new joinee...we had travelled together overnight to attend a meeting at some place.

Something happened today, which left me thinking of this particular Thoughtful Thursday ...it was the question in non-suspended motion. I made the mistake of revealing about my IF struggles to some of my colleagues when I was a new joinee here....I shelled up only after I realized that I had shared it with people who had no inclination/caring to know about it, barring the occasional fodder for a chat. I have a colleague that I am not really fond of. She seems to have a knack of identifying the weak points of others and then uses that to gain intimacy. And I hate people who try to get too cozy with me, before I decide that I want to be cozy with them. Anyways, she has some idea about the fact that I am babyless and trying....Several times she just comes around to discuss stuff, especially in the morning, when nobody is there and she has been 'comparing' my case to that of her close friend S. I have never asked about the history of that girl, but my colleague dishes out her stor...

So, this colleague of mine got some cake (left-over) to the office today. It was her daughter's birthday yesterday. Well, I got the cake. Evening, when all of us, were collecting stuff to get packing to home, she started walking around the cabins, handing over gift-wrapped items to some of my colleagues. She came to the cabin right in front of mine, but skipped my cave. She had colouring books(return gifts even though nobody from office was invited at home). I did not get it coz I do not have kids. Home Running the Message? I am stating this incident as a matter-of-fact, not as a matter-of-hurt. I think she could have been a bit subtle about it. But what can be expected from a batch of uber-fertiles? ^WiseGuy^

Was checking up on Barren Advice given out by Melissa to Amy , the past week. Amy felt at a complete loss over talking to somebody whose IVF cycle had turned out a bummer and Mel felt that talking out was a better form of support rather than silence. I liked what she recommended - what with the ice-cream and works. But frankly, in real life, I would have preferred silence. Much of my fertility woes are an open book for my female colleagues, especially at the place I am working for the past 20 months or so. And it is difficult indeed to survive like this at a place where I seem to be the only one who is reproductively challenged. I do not have a disease. Only that I need to take timed efforts to do what they have glided through easily, sometimes more than once, and each time successfully. So, it is very tough to really understand. I have never had rude responses. But I can easily detect the 'pity' in their voices. For the past few months, I have stopped discussing my cycle cha...