My Lady of the Lantern

The silence on the blog has been deliberate. An intentional cut-down of the my-time on the internet, so that I could pursue something to finality. Lot of things have happened in between; completely unexpected turn of events and all. I want to blog about them, and surely will when I can put some concerted effort into documenting and weaving my words. I cut the silence to say something important: Kaiser/Lola is likely to be here on January 14th. A C-Section is in the offing. O.M.G.!!!! And I find myself unprepared to the hilt. I planned my shopping for the 'reprieve days' I had in City X, and I won't be making to the City X minus Kaiser, which means I need stuff for the baby and all. OMG! My mother is here, and it has brought in some semblance of sanity with me wanting to have done something completely before Kaiser/Lola came. Now Kaiser is going to be here sooner than I expected. OMG! I had composed a letter to the baby around December 28th/29th and I want to post it here, b...

This is the post I had put into the freezer for a while . I will rate it as charged. You have been warned. ----- I know I have said this before, or maybe I have not said this before. My full time work experience now stands a little beyond seven years now. I have earned paltry sums in the beginning and now make a decent amout. What I earn is still not comparable to Birdman's earnings, but still, there is some pride I associate with whatever I put into my kitty. When I go on my leave in Jan 2011, I will have three months of paid leave. I plan to stretch it out by a minimum of two months of unpaid leave and can easily add one more month to it. The unpaid part is the one scaring me. I have got some major insurance premium deadlines coming up in March. I do not have much in the name of savings, and so far do not seek assistance from Birdman in paying my own premium. I also stake in a tiny bit of money regularly in the household expenses and Birdman has said that he would like me to cont...

So this is the output of a brain that has no single thread to follow. I have found myself very emotional lately. I have been secretly sensitive as a person. I have cried over scenes and movies and songs and such, but these days I seem to have tears readily poised over my lower eyelids. It's them hormones, right? In the baby shower there was a game - a gender predictor thing. Five items were hidden with a slip of paper kept underneath each of them. The woman is expected to lift one of the lids randomly and her first pick is supposed to be the gender of the baby she is expecting. What I picked first was an outright feminine word. The lady who made me do it, asked me to lift all other lids randomly and then tried to soothe me with bull* that I had seemed to pick more male words than female words. I immediately cut her off by saying that for five items, if three items were male, it was obvious that more picks would be made towards the male side in any order. Ahem! It's logical, I ...

I dedicated today to Farmville and playing catch-up with blogs. I had another do-on-PC thing lined up but from the look of it, I am not going to do it at all today. I have these moments where I count and recount my days and specifically think of what I felt before and now, and how drastically different I feel. I spent a long time imagining being pregnant, and now that I actually am, I think I could not have anticipated the emotional and mental shift really. Milestones, they are all there - concrete and dated. The constant sacred knowledge of carrying another life inside? It is dizzying and powerful. But more than that, it is transforming and humbling. I feel amazing. I have instances of being scaredy cat, and other times I am too elated, but still to know that I will be holding my child in my arms soon is so comforting. And now, I am on two boats...one that wants to stop the ticking away of the clock, and the other one where I want to hasten week 21 to week 35 in a minute... One thing ...

It is incredible really...in daily increments, I find a whole stack of nine months melting away. When this journey began, I thought nine months was just three months shy of an year, and a year is a long time period. Now that I am in my sixth month, I wonder where the time has gone. Of course, I see it in my blog...the milestones and appointments and reports, but still! This is not an original sentiment, but there is this saying that a moment lasts a lifetime, but a day passes quicker . Anyways, I met Dr. BS on Saturday afternoon. Kaiser was limb-dancing...all limbs out! He was curling and opening his hands, bending them at elbows. I still can't feel the 'fluttering'. Maybe I am still not sensitive enough, or the sensation is so minute that it fades away before I take cognizance of it. I am waiting for heavy-movements, when I can actually feel him/her doing a good warm-up inside. Kaiser measured 20w3d, had a galloping horse-heartbeat and the AFI was sufficient. I got my sec...

Do you remember that one flipped out evening led me to a decision about which I said I would speak later? I guess now is a good time to say what it is - Where to give birth? Home Birth? I am not for it. So, it would definitely be a medical facility, right? The question is - where? The city that I am in right now, I cannot consider too many options as available for me. Dr. BS though has a better equipped private hospital than most others around here (and it has a NICU, huge plus). So hers was the place I wanted to give birth in, if I were staying back here for the D-day. The city(City X) where I now plan to be for the D-day is where my parents and in-laws are. I will go to stay with my mom for the delivery. And a few days post-birth, will visit my in-laws. And then return to my current abode. Oh joy! Why am I taking that longer path - the second alternative? My mother * would have come down even if I had decided to stay on here. But here she would be no more than an attendant. She has ...

Oya, I have more to add on what I am experiencing. First one is scratching ... I went scratch scratch scratch the skin around my belly-button, boobsies, and I wondered what was up. Google did not really help me coz it listed some scary c-ailment that has scratching and rashes as a major symptoms. I needed to moisturize better...that's what I learnt the hard way. Previously, I would do it once in the morning...but now I massage olive oil lightly in my skin pre-bath and moisturize twice a day. No more finger-fighting with the skin! And holla, my right ankle acted horribly a couple of days back, and y'day again! I was able to identify why...if I slept/lay down too much on my right side, apparently the right ankle, and the thigh go painful...and it's not the romantic painful. My right thigh is dough, the left one is plaster, I suppose. And coz it is good time for it, here is my 19w5d belly shot . Take Care! ^WiseGuy^ P.S. I have added a poll for your voting pleasure on the side...

This past Sunday and Monday have been super-rainy, and the aftermath of those days followed by sudden rise in temperature is a sweetheart cold that I have developed. So far, I am sneezing and blowing my nose (like a lady, mind you)... and that's that. Where has sleep gone? On Monday night, I suspected I was on my way to insomnialand. I don't have major discomfort when I hit the bed. But I will turn sides, lie flat on my back, and yet, stay awake. Birdman has been called in for 'make me sleep' duties, and he has tried cuddling/ persuasion/ 'atleast-let-me-sleep' strategies so far. You have any ideas for him? I slept late last night (around midnight) and woke up at near-daybreak for a pee call. I hit the bed and I knew the sleep was gone again. I started singing, and the poor man caught hold of me - stuffy nose and all and tried to pat me back to sleep. Good try there. The one thing that is awesome is that with the clogged nose and all, I can still SMELL things......

Hello Kaiser, I have had a few tough weeks recently...not physically tough, but I was all knots about what I was doing so wrong. Anyways, I had better news on September 9th and that was so fantastic. But I discovered something beautiful recently. First of all, that I care for you a lot already. I hope that we are a fantastic team. But I also wonder if you are going to be like me. I was pretty hard-headed as a kid, as in not-dumb, but with a mind of my own. I did stupid things too, but I did what I wanted to. Your mother learnt the power of fire, because she deliberately placed a finger on a candle flame. She wanted to know why everybody wanted her to be careful of flames and such. Frankly, I can handle just me, and if you were me, I don't know if I can be my mother in rearing you. But I promise, that you will get more opportunities. In a lot of ways, the restrictions saved me from unpleasant stuff, but still I wanted to do them once and find out for myself. I also wonder if I had t...

Nopes this post has got nothing to do with the expletives-riddled TV show of the same name. First of all, a belated update on how Thursday (17w4d, officially) went for me. My doc was leaving for a conference the next day and she had a jam-packed waiting room. Even though I made it on time, I had eight patients waiting before me. I was nervous and the waiting was a little bit hard. Anyways, I had my turn and I was asked to lie down on the get-ready-for-an-ultrasound lovebed. Few things from the ultrasound: - Kaiser was doing well. Baby was again lying east-west, but h/she faced upwards. He/She kept his/her legs straight till Dr. BS poked him/her gently. He/She kicked back with both his/her legs. I had to see the movement. I was all lumps before that. - The heart rate was 158 bpm. Baby weighed 187 gms. - The liquor looked better. The report says: Adequate Amniotic Fluid. - Kaiser measured 17w5d. Also, my BP was down to 125/80 which is my best reading so far in the pregnancy. I have to ke...

# Please skip this post if you are not in the mood for any sensitive/emotional heavy-duty stuff. One particular November I was preparing 'all guns out' to conceive. I was all out, and I jumped all hurdles listening to ' Perfect ' at all those jumps except....except for the last one barrier - that one hurdle that mattered the most to me. I was not prepared to fail. I processed it in shock, numbness, despair and disbelief. I grieved and mourned for the three babies I lost to my dumb body. And it was those three that I clutched to as my lost gems, till another bat hit me right on my face. A Sunday, not far from today, I was resting when I thought of the other six that did not make it. Look at me, I was so partial to the trio that I completely glossed over the other six lives I half-created. What if I had not failed? What if I had the triplets? The other six would still not have found me. I have never imagined having nine children. I created and managed to lose all of them...

** Thanks for the superb doppler suggestion. I am trying to see if I can get my hands on one. ** The four things from hell: Pepsi, Coffee, Potatoes and Chocolate. Amount of Coffee intake since I found out I was pregnant: Zero. Amount of Pepsi/Soft Drink intake since I found out I was pregnant: One 300 ml bottle, plus short and long sips here and there. I have not been able to get rid of it completely. Amount of Chocolate intake since I found out I was pregnant: Good thing is no one frowns on my chocolate consumption now. Haven't had too much of the chocolate still. Amount of Potatoes since I found out I was pregnant: Well, I crave potatoes. And potato chips. It's the only dark side of my consumption that will irk my mother. ^WiseGuy^

What happens when a colleague darts a 'Are you pregnant?' even before she manages to mouth a cursory greeting to you first thing in the morning? Well, when it happened to me today, I fumbled. I mumbled a 'No' and then changed my sentence to 'Yes, I am pregnant'. I had decided I would never lie about it. I had thought of revealing it myself, but I guess having too many married women in their reproductive age around you as colleagues comes with knowledge-strings attached. I know for one that I would have guessed it too. I know for two, that I would not have asked myself. The lady who asked me is not particularly close to me. The grapevine was fired up today in the office. I am planning to go meet my Director tomorrow and let him know. I am not sure if he has heard it already. Well, and my 'reveal' plans got butted out like some of the best-laid plans do. How do I feel about it? Well in one day, I had several pseudo- and genuine consideration filled encount...

So this post captures a recent interaction/ the series of things connected to Birdman, me and my pregnancy. Before anything, I hope you don't have any husband - bashing genes out, and I totally hope you haven't had a World War scale skirmish with your beloved. The Feather Scene 1: Birdman: How do you feel? ( reference: pregnancy ) Me: Excited. How about you? Birdman: A little scared. I assumed he was scared because we still had a long way to go and all, so thinking that I asked for a little clarity. Birdman: Because you won't care much about me after the baby is born. And it struck me. I have been ruminating on that statement. * This was the first time that Birdman asked me on how I felt. He also planted a kiss on my belly. The first for that too. * We have been 'just us' for too long. Me and him, him and me. There was nobody to share the middle space ever between us. We are probably used to being 'just us' . The baby would change so many things. * Because n...

* To watch the ticker progress to another day is such a blissful sensation. Way better than the ticker that pegged my attempt at ttc #1. * I had to reveal in to another colleague. I was forced to do it so that I could get some legit reprieve. It was not my intention. I am just hoping for the first trimester to roll over so that I can officially go and inform my Director and let it out in open as such. Anyways, she calls me 'Mama', whenever we are apparently alone. She is lucky that I am not feeling violent at all. * My leak-safe colleague ? Remember her? Well, a colleague poked me twice on my stomach and my blood boiled over. Seeing my change in expression, the colleague stopped, but Ms. Leak Safe started smiling. I just could not take her smiling. 'What are you laughing at?' was my question to Ms. Leak-Safe. She should have known better, but alas! * My MIL has forbidden me to leave the house on New Moon days. Yep, you read the sentence correctly. Forbidden. Till now t...

Dear Baby Kaiser, The ticker tells me that I am 9wk0d today. I would be hopefully seeing Dr. BS tomorrow so that I can see you once again. I think the bump is starting to appear. You know your momma is not flat-tummied anyways, so she can't really make out if it is your presence or just her old bloated belly showing through right now. I tend to sleep lot lesser in the afternoon, but I make sure that I do lie down for about 10-15 minutes after I come back home from the office. Hope you appreciate that. :-) Your Dadi called me the past week to ask me how you were doing...and how well I was coping. Was so glad to tell her, "All is well". I started having almonds from July 7 (Wednesday). I had soaked four on Tuesday night. Your dad cleaned his hands on two. Yep! Anyways, next day onwards, I started soaking more because you know...bleh! With the way my food cravings have shifted gear, I am yet to decide what you really like. Or anything that I want to eat in particular now get...

Having read non-gravid enough on my file, this is huge for me!!! --- I planned to test y'day...but I woke up an hour before I was bound to get up, relieved myself and went back to sleep. When I woke up, I was not wanting to bet my luck on non-optimal contents. So, the testing fell on today...I woke up earlier than usual. I walked over to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator door and took out the lone HPT that now remained there. I went to the bathroom. Let me tell you, when you want to pee, and you have to pee and you have to save up for testing too, it is tough. I managed to do that and stared with neutral emotions on the HPT window. The line started to emerge...it was the line that is doused with whatever, so I have seen it red anyways. I decided to go back to sleep. But wait, the other line was definitely colouring up! Are you nuts, you never colour...you remain virgin white...whoa, there is colour... I was stupid enough to look at the results detail printed on the HPT packet......

I kept on wondering if I should post it or not...but then I decided that since this space is meant to document , well, I should write it down and all. I am pretty close to ending this cycle. I am normally a 33-day cycle girl, and for the past few cycles, my AF has arrived around CD31. I still don't feel like it is on its way. So this one cycle could be correcting back the pre-pone gene in all the three cycles that have whizzed past. On the other hand, my nipples are sensitive to touch and I had mild cramping a few days back. Atleast one part of this cycle is like the January one....but the difference is that I had taken Clomid then and was on progesterone in the latter half of the cycle. This cycle, I have neither been on Clomid nor have I taken any progesterone pills. Please hope for me, but don't leave me words that you believe I am pregnant or so. I can have all the symptoms and not one thing that comes out of it. There is now just one unopened strip of HPT remaining in my r...

…continued from previous post… I went for an ovulation study. I found out I was ovulating on my own. Woohoo! I did not get pregnant. I waited patiently. I did not get pregnant. Some reasons forced me and DH to stay apart for a little while. I read newspaper reports of school girls doing it once and getting pregnant. DH did visit me more often than that. I did not get pregnant. When I raised my concerns, I was always spoon-fed that you-are-not-together line all the time. DH still visited often. I did not get pregnant. We finally started cohabitating. I did not get pregnant. I was ovulating, right? But I did not get pregnant. Then the Clomid showed up my window. It was Femara and Letrozole after that. I did not get pregnant. I developed a cyst in my right ovary, and the rightye seemed to be the more cheerful of the two ovaries that God gave me. My ovary had also inherited my brain, and it would just not get over its stubborn clinging to the cyst. I got told that the ovulation inducing ...

It was my niece's second birthday on March 29, and we took a trip down to be with the birthday girl. The party was on the terrace and we were busy decorating the area. Sometime in the commotion, only three people remained on venue: me, DH and my niece who was at-it (a balloon had burst, and she had been upset). You see, there is a staple question I bombard my hubby with at random moments, and watching her, I put it forward again: 'What if we do not have kids?' 'We will always have her.' ( finger-pointing at a running kid ) 'No, but what if we never have kids?' 'I already have a kid.' 'What? Who?' 'It's you .' I started laughing. Hard. The moment had passed. Husband dear had survived the question yet again. (And with a great comeback, I must say!). I love my niece very much. It is just that when she was about to have her first birthday, it reminded me deeply of how I should have been pregnant. Now as the years are simply fusing, a...