My Lady of the Lantern

Other title for this post - Poster Girl of Subfertile Idiocy! Yes....that's what I feel. Tuesday, I went for a hush-hush blood draw - a quiet check on beta levels... I was scared of HPTs, so I fooled the bitch by going for the big kill. Today, the report came : You know what I feel? Can I begin to even use words? I have run out of abuses. Actually, I don't even care. I am. Hopeless. Miserable. Gloomy. Depressed. Stupid. Angry. Helpless. Hopeless. Miserable. Gloomy. Depressed. Angry. Helpless. Stupid. Hopeless. Miserable. Gloomy. Depressed. Angry. Stupid. Helpless. How could a girl who had to go up to the level of IVFwICSI think that she may have gotten knocked up the cheap, old fashioned way? ^WiseGuy^

Well, I have been particularly grumbling and cribbing lately. Somehow I can’t get through to DH the way I want to. I get misunderstood so fast that I have started wondering if there is something fantastically wrong with my communication skills. I have quite a temper and I when I flare, the heat can be felt from any distance. Hubby dearest has recently taken upon himself to correct my human flaws and shape me into a perfect housekeeper and wife. I hate that when I am in a sour mood, DH would much rather count further mistakes I made, rather than trying to take away the pall on me. He wants me to ‘see the reality’ . You really want me to see further darkness, when I am already in the pits? One of the recent statements he has started making is – “ Don’t take out your doctor’s anger on me ”. I hate it. It hurts so much, but nothing on my face makes him understand that he is really pinching a raw wound. I am angry. And if I can’t share my feelings unrestrained with him, what kind of compani...

I have not turned cold. No, I am getting these bouts where tears do escape me. Today evening, my mother sat down on the floor, laid her head on my lap and just kept her head down. I know she was seeking some warm reassurance from me. That is what I did not give to her. I would have balled out - cried like crazy and somehow I am not into public displays of my frustration with myself, with God (I really am upset with this guy) and with why I always have to have the harder path to achieving simple things that seem to fall effortlessly into other people's life. I could not give in. Who needs that reassurance more? Yesterday night, almost my whole family cried in front of me. Dad and bro had their share of tears when I was not there. But my mother followed me upstairs. I wanted to take a bath. She did not let me go till we bear-hugged. She was shaken. She was like - "Oh God, so many injections, so many tablets?". She almost feels responsible for me for having gone through this...

My injections finished yesterday. 10th was crappy for me. I woke up feeling dull, had a headache and was awfully gloomy. In the afternoon, I took a nap and that is when I started feeling better. I told my doc about being depressed and she asked me to go watch a new comedy flick (I have better taste in movies than to tolerate that).What did I watch - Biography of Saddam Hussain on History Channel!!! Anyways, 11th was better for me. I think I am beginning to have ulcers in my mouth. I have to do something for that. I am already taking B-Complex supplements twice a day and the dosage cannot be upped anymore. So, now I am looking for options to deal with the mouth ulcers! ^WiseGuy^

Bleeding again. So depressed. Yet a ^WxxxGxx^