My Lady of the Lantern

...So now that the shock is finally wearing off, I am on a pendulum of hope and disbelief. The first time I hit the latter was today afternoon. I have not been sleeping well. I woke up at 4 o' clock in the morning today, and could not go back to sleep. I finally did a lean sleep stretch at 5:30 in the morning. It was similar y'day, but I had woken up a little after 5 o'clock. I had early-wake episodes previously too, but that time, I did not know! I ascribe it partially to worry, and partially to the raging hormones ( please rage on, will you? ). I need to pee a lot...in office, at home, and my sleep gets broken by my desire to empty my bladder. I have thus, decided to intentionally make sure to sip/drink as much water as I can...so that I am all good. My nipples are sore (and I am glad). I have morning night sickness! I thought nausea was supposed to strike in the morning. I had a tiny graze of it on Tuesday night itself, but last night nausea was stronger immediately ...

My cruddy self is out, so bear with me. I was feeling very licked after this last BFN. It should not be any different. After all, I have made it a habit to belt out BFN after BFN after BFN like clockwork. But then something happened. It is all in the mind, you see. I have been frolicking in a dark blue and green sea. It is shaded with lime and violet and red. It is pink and orange. It rises and heaves and grasps at everything. I am floating effortlessly. Wednesday night, I spoke to my mother....after a four day break (the break was not deliberate). I asked her to sing out the whole conversation she had with Dr. Bigshot. It is since that call that I am floating in the sea. I am not swimming, and I am not drowning. You see, the doctor wants to meet once before he can chart out some course of action. Any such hint would have me irate, but I don't know what broke in me, and I just was tempted to try it out. My stuckheadedness did not knuckle in at all. BabySmiling had asked how far wo...

Monday: It’s night time. A session of lovemaking is in progress. On my side of the bed lies a copy of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. On his side of the bed, there is a copy of Robin Cook’s Outbreak. We are close to a fine conclusion, when I mentally work upon – “Hmmmm…will my child prefer Robin Cook over Plath?” . Can I see your jaw dropping here…just wait! Tuesday: We are returning home after dinner. Turn on the radio to find a beautiful track playing. I liked the song a lot when that particular movie released and over the period of time, try as hard as I could, I was not able to recall its first line. So when the song came on, not only did I not give it all my ears, but I also started wondering why did I forget to scout more the last time I thought of it. Then I start wondering about whether I should set it as my dialer tone? (Dialer tone is the music heard by anyone calling my mobile number). Then I think that since the song is about a mother searching for a son she has lost, people...

So, I went to the hospital today as planned. What I knew was that I would have a sonography + cyst removal (if it had not gone away already)+ and my first injection. It turned out that the cyst in the right ovary was still present with zero changes in its size, in spite of the new medication. When aspirated, the outcome was a viscous fluid (pus-like material) which has been sent for culture. So, all these months, the perception that my 'chocolate' cyst had returned was disproved because the cyst contents were anything but typical chocolate fluid. The reports will come on Wednesday and hopefully my injections will be started from that day onwards. We would be three-days late from the original protocol and I want that this cycle get fructified. Antibiotics have been added to medicine staple. Ahem! ^WiseGuy^