My Lady of the Lantern

I am not a theme/resolution person though I did select 'Kindness' as a manna for me this year. I need kindness for myself, if I have to stop being so hard on me. It is one thing as to the things that actually go wrong. But I seem to have developed a habit of looping and repeating the negative experience in my mind till something else comes up. I began taking hurt too personally, and kept it close. If you do not let the owwie heal, the owwie stays . I forgot that.  So kindness was what I needed, and it seems gratitude is a close cousin too...so both of them are in my life every day and I remind myself to breathe, let go, be thankful for what good it was.  AF came on Sunday night. I had broken down and tested on Thursday evening. If there ever was a single-liner HPT, this was definitely one of the best exhibits. But when couple of days passed, I actually began thinking of buying another test and using a morning sample to get the result. And then my periods came. Six...

"Is she your only child?" I am pretty sure of my reply, but there is always this pause that precedes the reply to this question. In that pause, I am processing if I need to reveal my loss.  My staple answer is: "She is. But I had a child before her.' Take and Double Take, when the lady said: "Me too." Taking full advantage of the darkness that had fallen, we let our stories out. She cried, I cried. I even associated a bad adjective referring to my family (I am not a bad girl. I do not abuse my family...that darned word spontaneously rolled off on its own. And I have made sheer effort to always cast this episode away from all and everything else that is there, because no one and mostly me would be able to breathe the air of the house anymore.)   Over any thing else, there is a lingering sense of not being allowed a lot of things I deserved to do with the girl. Her daughter was running all around the place. Mine was tired and ...

Pretty much, still lost at sea. I am sure I am not pregnant. I haven't tested, but I am sure. I did not test because I did not want to tangibly verify what I am so sure about. Well played, AF because your missing status painfully set open the fact to me that I do want to be pregnant. For all the nays and nays and nays, there is a yes.  Oh come on, drama!

Saturday: I have griping * . I am sure my periods are coming. Jeez, tomorrow is Sunday. I wish there be no CD1/CD2 on Sunday. Figlia is full time duty.  But I have griping. Ah, just a matter of time. I am sure my periods are about to come. Night: I think I will wake up with bleeding tomorrow. I am sure.  Sunday: What, no periods? And the griping is there. Umm...it's not there. Sheesh, are my periods just about to come?  OK...OK...just relax. I can enjoy a little bit till my periods do not come. I should not clam up. Jeez, okay, it will be uncomfortable, but I can't avoid it.  Let me relax till they not come. I am sure the griping is in my brain. Ugh. I think of my uterus the whole day.  Night: Grateful my periods have not come. I can handle CD1 on Monday. It's full working, but I can manage it.  Monday: Wake Up. I do not feel anything. Wait, there is no blood. No spotting. I can't believe that there is no wetne...

Meandering. I am going to resist posting anymore on 'I want another wee baby versus I am done' . I am so full of it, and so molasses-ed out that I would end up doing Elsie Vs Elsie posts all the time. DH is clearer than me in this regard. It is me who keeps flickering (I am a woman, remember?). And I am in a continuous dialogue with myself over it with changing conclusion every time. I think it is too convenient to decide to not try. I still feel a stab I see someone having more children. Go me. Life has been full speed. Figlia is growing up every day. New phrases here, newer milestones...plus she has decided fake crying can get her things, and can she cry!  On parting this last time around, my mother advised to curb the number of 'No(s)' I belt out. I think she had a relevant point to make.  My mother kept on packing her things into her suitcase. Figlia kept on pulling stuff out. I would have flown through the roof, but my mother just kept at it. My pa...

I have lot of things to say on this. I will finish it all with just this. (You may have to click on the image below to read it properly.) I had this crazy tug of longing every time this happened . I know that unplanned is possibly my only salve right now.