What Kindness Looks Like

I am not a theme/resolution person though I did select 'Kindness' as a manna for me this year.

I need kindness for myself, if I have to stop being so hard on me. It is one thing as to the things that actually go wrong. But I seem to have developed a habit of looping and repeating the negative experience in my mind till something else comes up. I began taking hurt too personally, and kept it close. If you do not let the owwie heal, the owwie stays. I forgot that. 

So kindness was what I needed, and it seems gratitude is a close cousin too...so both of them are in my life every day and I remind myself to breathe, let go, be thankful for what good it was. 

AF came on Sunday night. I had broken down and tested on Thursday evening. If there ever was a single-liner HPT, this was definitely one of the best exhibits. But when couple of days passed, I actually began thinking of buying another test and using a morning sample to get the result. And then my periods came. Six days late, but they came. 

I was thankful. It was not imposed thankfulness. I was seriously relieved to see it come. I can see the bigger advantage of them showing up when not being pregnant and no AF would have been the real disaster. 

My body is racking itself for another cycle. Good show, body. 

I play Words with Friends. It is supposed to calm me and to take my mind away from the rut of daily life. And then I found myself getting upset over the fact that I was missing that one letter that could make the greatest word ever, or that I was losing a game or that all I had was vowels or all consonants. There were things to upset me even in something that I chose to make me happy. When I realized that, the first step I did was to stop looking at the score. It is difficult, but I stopped looking at the score till the game is on the verge of finishing, and I am back to being more relaxed as a player. 

Number of things have not gone quite as I would like, and I am glad to have decided to not flog myself over and over. 

I am decided on another child. I want one. My theory is not that Figlia needs a sibling so I need to have another child. Even if it was there as a theory it would rank pretty low on the list of reasons to have another child. It is my own wish. DH is busy. If not 'a', it is 'b' or then 'c', that keeps him out of the house. Figlia has chosen to finish her day with sermons. 

In the darkness, my daughter babbles, and rolls and sits up and lies down and keeps her head on my tummy or then fits her head in the nook of my shoulder or stands up, and does everything that reflects that she is not about to sleep, but then she sleeps. What transpires between her and me after she is back from the daycare to the point she sleeps is something between us only because hubby comes after she has gone to sleep for the night. I know he is working hard. If I choose to have another child, I know that it is going to get crazier, and I still choose it.

Kindness is not an easy peg. I can just not fit it in every hole. A while back, my SIL announced her second pregnancy to us (she was in the middle of the second trimester). It was a shock for the family, and I know the reasons why she held back, but while she filled me in the exact reasons why she did not reveal to the folks, she could not explain why she held back from me. She and I used to share quite a bit. Atleast I thought so, and she has not been able to say why she held back from me. 

The announcement came at a time when the winds of another child had just been shushed away from our house, and I was particularly sensitive. It did not sit well with me. Now, there is an uncomfortable silence between us. I am still persuading myself to call her but I can't. There is this web I still need to thrash and deep clean. 

I was not amused because of several other reasons, including the fact that DH knew before me about her pregnancy. My smart BIL called up DH a week before we were due to visit them, and let him know the news. When the whole family heard the news, my BIL instantly chipped in and laughed that someone else knew about this. I was upset at DH not telling me. I was mad at my BIL, for making my hubby look like he was 'in' the know, when he was not till the very end. And I made it amply clear to my in-laws over the smart cookie that my BIL is. 

Nothing will happen. Family will seethe and fume but they won't say anything to my BIL or his family. This family drama is jelly. You can press it and take it to any shape. 

And this bit, I am still processing. Kindness did not honey on this one. I need to feel better to be normal with my SIL again, but it will take some time.