My Lady of the Lantern

I can't tell you what it is exactly, but I can tell you what it's like. It's like waiting for her name to pop up somehow, somewhere in an ongoing discussion. It's like thinking of this as her first something, and knowing that it is just a long list of missed first somethings followed by second, third, fourth somethings. It's like feeling suffocated at your niece continuing to be the centre of attention. It's like choking internally at the woman quipping that x got all of niece's clothes because she was the next 'girl'. It's like wanting to say that there was a girl somewhere in between. It's like writing her name somewhere where everybody's names have been scribbled, knowing everything will get dusted and broomed the next morning. It's like looking at a train of baby related events and wondering where the girl's events would have been positioned. It's like flinching at the woman's statement of how a new member will...

I obsessively check the ticker. And today it tells me I have 100 days to go. Just 100. In Elsewhere universe this translates to 75 days or less. 75 days or less to seeing Season, and hopefully bringing this kid home.

This comes from a Sunday afternoon spent at a baby's naming ceremony. I - Looking Outside I was there. In the hum, chatter and music, I paused to look at the children in the hall. Kids running around didn't move a thing in me. I was stuck on counting the bobbing heads. Four babies. Four mums with four babies. All four babies were the first kids of their mums. All these women attended my baby shower last year, and they were either announced-pregnant or just-conceived at that time. All of them are there except CheekyBub. In the excited lights of that hall, I am not sure if the gray on my face showed. Suddenly I wasn't too sure of myself. I had to walk out of the hall for some fresh air, and away from the bobbing heads, and fancy lights. II - Looking In I am not a jealous person. Atleast, that is not the primary adjective I would ascribe to myself. My host did not have a professional/official photographer for the event. Her brother was taking pics. I was carry...

Yesterday evening, I was aware of Season kicking away. I told my mum what Season was doing and I lifted my gown to show her. Guess what? Season immediately withdrew from the kicking. This wasn't the first time that I pointed out loudly about the kicking and Season immediately went on to prove that I wasn't speaking the truth. So anyways, I got back to my game on FB, and Season began his/her play again. This time, I snapped my fingers to catch mum's attention and lifted my gown to show her the kicks. We were smiling. And then to test my theory, I spoke loudly that the baby was kicking me so much. And this smart mister, actually stopped kicking!! It was such an aha moment. After about two minutes of catching Season innocent, I announced in normal pitch that I was about to have my tea, so let's just enjoy the tea, and in a matter of minutes, Season got back to kicking. The kicking ceased on its own after a while. It was such a lightbulb moment. I think I figured o...

There is TMI in the post below in certain points. Any unpleasantness you experience will not and can not be held attributable to the following text since sufficient warning has already been presented. (the legal mumbo jumbo...yadda yadda) - I still have occasional bouts of nausea. It's not very unnerving, by the way. - I have sore b@@bs. Absolutely! Friction is such a pain! - Remember my Midnight Cowboy phase? It is back. - And I *scratch* all the time....especially around my belly and scar...heavy duty moisturizing is on the play already. - I was using almond oil for massage, but I went back to olive oil. - I am able to eat non-vegetarian food unlike the previous pregnancy. - I dislike capsicum. DH is happy about that, coz he can't stand it either. He is almost proud of this. - I am planning to apply for a replacement position in case Sh@ndee is really kicked out of the dog squad. ( Sh@ndee is an infamous canine in the local police squad who has been doing a miserable...

Once upon a time when I was pregnant before this, I used to keep my hands on my belly in the hope of feeling some movement. Now, I am more reactive. I usually place hands only when the event is happening. I just realized that. Combined with the fact that I am in the middle of a mood swing and am generally feeling a little blue, and I wonder if that has taken its toll on Season's movement. Now that I realized it, I hope to not do this to Season. I can't help the blue I am in right now, but atleast I can give him/her my palms. I do love you, Season. I do. Don't take your moods from mum.

Season has been pretty quiet since yesterday. I am officially announcing that this kid has no pattern. When there was very little kicking the whole day, and I finally lost my marbles by the evening, I whipped out the doppler. The baby's FHR was 135 bpm. And oh, the kid kicked at the wand. The same thing happened today and the FHR reading from about 10 minutes ago is 140 bpm. Baby is addicted to doppler machines, coz the kid goes enthusiastic only after it. That has not lasted either. Maybe the kid is awake all night. Maybe that's why. And I sleep like a log. Maybe.

I had double-barrel kicks yesterday. There were regular volleys to areas above and below the navel and some of the hits were concurrent. DH was on the phone with me, and I described to him what was happening. 'Oh, is Season's cord around the neck?' No, No, No! Season's cord is not around the neck. That does not happen till the eighth month (or till I see it on some ultrasound)... But rather than rejoicing at the happiness I felt from being inwardly kneaded, his spontaneous response (and what prompted him to say it), and my 'short-fusing' at his statement really highlighted to me that when the end rolls closer, it won't be just me flipping my brain off. Of course, I know nuchal cord is not a huge thing, yes, that happens all the time, with the baby moving. But I don't know when a scene from Hangman will start playing in my womb again . I am fearful of that. I still can recall every single thing I felt on the night prior to the C-section, and the ince...

I tend to feel these tugging sensations lately. It happened yesterday (did not rest at all the entire day), and then today, after a brief post-meal walk (second for the evening). I can't describe the location exactly, but it is somewhere inside and down there. The tugging went away after I lay down a bit.

DH quipped in a recent conversation that Season must now be used to my and my mom's voice. The kind of bonding we shared with CheekyBub, and the constant nature of it, is not there this time. Initially hubby used to be hesitant, and CheekyBub would stop kicking when DH placed his hands on my belly, but slowly, she began to recognize his hands too, and every evening we spent moments with his hands firmly placed on my tummy, feeling her kick. It was just the three of us. I enjoy with Season. I love feeling this kid move, and I know that DH misses that kind of bonding. We have our own name for this kid, and DH refers to the baby by that name, and I ask for stuff (chocolates mostly :-)) using Season's name. We are hopeful of bringing this baby home. I still mentally can't munch when Season arrives, and if I think of 37 weeks, it gets dangerously close to CheekyBub's first birthday. My mind tells me this baby will be here before that. I missed on the annual increment thi...