My Lady of the Lantern

Your Honour, that you would not like to give me a job if I had this attitude on the day of the job interview. That I survived where I survived only because I had been at the same place for three years, and that suddenly I had moved in first ten of the faculty list...where it was a double digit initially. No Sir, in fact, if you give me something I do not like, I will cook up any excuses to make you take that pesky assignment away. Yes Sir, I have heard what they say behind my back, and I do not think they are correct. But it is not their fault, I do not tell them anything anyways, and so they are left with guessing and all. Yes Sir, Please take this back. You know what I will be doing post-thesis...giving babymaking a solid chance. Yes Sir, I do not think I can handle this assignment. Yes it is just because I do not want any more stressors than what are anyways present. P.S. I would love an increment Sir....my salary account seems to have a hole. ^WiseGuy^

I woke up as usual today...carried my cup of coffee to the balcony... Time of that kind is spent staring at the sky, the pigeons and the sparrows, and the ugly new cable that has been set up on my railing. It is also spent on watching my five tiny plants struggle to stay green and flourish. That time is spent in sipping the coffee, or staring into the cup or registering that I probably did not make it right today or fully enjoying what I made. I watch the sparse traffic on the road below, and the man (who is the keeper of a water tank). And then my eyes watered today. I was not crying, or I was. I am not sure of what it was. My tears sprung up too fast and rolled down in fat drops, and they stopped at that. I was re-living a moment that I lived through on December 4, 2008. I was also adding some fantasy to it. But more or less, I remembered the crying then. Is it going to be like this? Like reading through to Chapter 13 to be force-fed Chapter 2 again? ^WiseGuy^

I think I am gaining weight. Hot Damn! Coz I do not need any more grams on me as it is. I suspect it is the supplements, which are turning me into a bonnie, bouncing lass. My diet has actually reduced ( 105 degrees Fahrenheit is a little cold, really ) and yet I seem to be 'swelling'. DH believes the supplements make him cranky. He has not stopped them. It is just that he randomly made a few tablets get lucky, by being prioritized. DH is scheduling consumption of a few of them such that he does not take all of them in a single day. Wow! I wonder if God will forgive us for skipping on the hoo that we need to take with all the food and the clean water and the fresh air, and that he will forgive us enough to kick in anyways and have me strapping knocked up sometime soon. ^WiseGuy^ P.S. If I looked as good as the woman in the image, I would be in the movies for sure. Image Courtesy: http://www.i-heart-god.com/images/Man_Woman_Sketch.jpg (no claim by me made on ownership of the pic...

Okay, the nice news first! The great news is that my thyroid friend's pregnancy is on course! The baby is fine. She would be due in early December. *** While that thyroid friend finishes adding to her family (they won't be planning any more kids after this), I feel like I am still staring from the start line. She got married after me. She had her first before me. She will have her second before me. *** Our conversations will centre around among other things, her pregnancy updates and all. She has never actively asked about what I have been upto, on the kids front. I feel like a monkey with a hundred caps. I can throw around a cap only if I see somebody else doing it, or I would just throw all my caps on a whim. *** Well, for one thing, I did not share the news of my IVF or any of the IUIs with anybody including the thyroid friend. Because I know that I may never talk about it without crying, or I am still reserved about it. I can talk on issues of interest, just not my super-fa...

Do you remember this thyroid friend of mine? Sunday evening she called me to let me know that she is 7 weeks pregnant!!! What I find very humbling is that I know the news even though it has not been revealed yet to her parents and in-laws. Her betas are not doubling like they should ( as per her doctor ), and she has been asked to come back on Wednesday ( which is tomorrow ), for an ultrasound. All the very best to her!!! ******************************** I finally nagged enough to get DH to his breaking point. I did a repeat of 'What if we do not have kids? ' sooner than my usual frequency , and sent him in an emotional spiral. He begged to be never asked that question again. Ever. I do not understand ever. ******************************** Has your IF research/doctor spoken of Oxidative Stress/ Gamete Optimization? What has he/she/article led you to think? Embryo fragmentation occurs dues to oxidative stress (???). ^WiseGuy^

I caught myself doing it on Wednesday. I tried to stop and I kept on doing it. Then I came to my senses and found that I was decorating the backside of my class notes. Sheesh! Out came the whitener and the wand touched the page such that nothing could now be read underneath. I did it again today. But it felt so good. You see, I was scribbling the intended names of my children. I am not sure if I have mentioned it elsewhere, but I am fixed on two boy names, and a beautiful girl name for quite a while now. One boy name is gone already. I am just hoping that the rest of the names remain unused till my kids are born and brought into this world. Anyways, today my writing space was the back of an envelope meant to be trashed. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote the names to my heart's content and got it out of my system. I haven't ever been scribbling those names at all before this. And even DH does not know the names that I have chosen. I want to be talking about something else as wel...

Will you go and hug Clare for me? They just found that their precious baby died at 8 weeks. There is no comfort. ^WiseGuy^

Agendy Fugnimima arrived yesterday around 2230 hours. It was pegged for April 7. There were no warning aches, and we had just returned home from a dinner outside (preceded by a three hour work shift thing). I am so thankful for that, God. My chance of a 2010 baby = blown to smithereens. Hello April. ^WiseGuy^

It was my niece's second birthday on March 29, and we took a trip down to be with the birthday girl. The party was on the terrace and we were busy decorating the area. Sometime in the commotion, only three people remained on venue: me, DH and my niece who was at-it (a balloon had burst, and she had been upset). You see, there is a staple question I bombard my hubby with at random moments, and watching her, I put it forward again: 'What if we do not have kids?' 'We will always have her.' ( finger-pointing at a running kid ) 'No, but what if we never have kids?' 'I already have a kid.' 'What? Who?' 'It's you .' I started laughing. Hard. The moment had passed. Husband dear had survived the question yet again. (And with a great comeback, I must say!). I love my niece very much. It is just that when she was about to have her first birthday, it reminded me deeply of how I should have been pregnant. Now as the years are simply fusing, a...

Someone in my immediate family bought me a magazine to which he subscribes regularly. It was just a normal general life magazine. But the magazine was not meant for a casual read. It had an article/advertisement of some rockstar fertility clinic with super stats. Apparently, if you land there you will never come out unless you have a baby in your arms. Gee, thanks! And I love to take inputs from people who otherwise never ask me anything, or enquire about my status or plans for a baby or two. ^WiseGuy^