My Lady of the Lantern

There is something that has been weighing on my heart and I have finally decided to do something about it. I am about to compose a mail to my mother. Of course, I have already spoken to her about other things pertaining to the events of January, but the ripples refuse to die. What do you say when your daughter asks you if she killed her child? You answer if she did or she did not. You don't say - 'I want you to think about the future.' when your daughter seeks affirmation of 'No, you did not'. But the response that one gets is so off tangent that the brain goes munching on the question asked and response received. 'I want you to think about the future.' When you answer like that, one of the interpretations that comes out is, "Yes, you probably did." It is not like that I ever am going to win the stellar daughter award. I am going to write a mail and probably sit on the draft till I can press 'send'. I want her to know what I feel. Aft...

It does not take much for hot tears to start rolling down my cheeks. Some ball of anger starts rolling inside me. I have been very emotional today. I was thinking of CheekyBub in the morning when I started to cry. And now, just as I surfed on to some old mails, I can't help but get very emotional and cry. She was not supposed to go. This is not how it should have been scripted. And I want to BLAME someone...send a curse or a damnation to someone and feel relieved. It just does not happen.

So, as the title states, it is CD5 for me today. It is a fresh chance for me to conceive. I am glad that I had my AF right on the day it was expected. I was prepared for it to arrive, after having two HPTs in hand with a combined two lines. Anyways, I just want to also update as to what has the SuperGyn recommended for the next pregnancy. As I have said before, the next time around, I will leave UsualCity and go to City X much much before my delivery. What she has recommended is - Do you know why my Homocysteine is raised? Maybe I smoke too much? Maybe I don't really focus on nutrition? It is the Metformin. Apparently, Metformin reduces the absorption of B12. It was a new thing I came to know recently. Just like a see-saw....you lay weight on one side, and the other side goes skykissing.

Her Name. Her Name meant from the earth . The individual who she was named after was a very strong lady - an epitome of a perfect woman. She was raised by a King who found her on his farm. She married a deified person, but her personality and identity were not subjugated by her husband's. Her life was not smooth. She saw her fair share of tumult, but came out of it all. Her end was not death. Strangely enough, she chose to go back to her mother....she willed the earth to part open and take her in. That was the princess-woman my daughter was named after. If you have guessed the name already, please do not mention it in the comments. Some of you know it anyways.

I had not shared Kaiser's name with anybody. During the last trimester, I came to know that a cousin's fiancee had the same name (nick name) as the girl name in my mind. I was pretty unhappy about it, but there were two things I considered. One was the fiancee had it as a nick name and two, the wedding was scheduled much after Kaiser's expected arrival. Technically, Kaiser would still have the name 'first'. Anyways, like I said, I hadn't shared the name with anyone. Except Kaiser. Because I did not know what gender Kaiser was, I kind of informed my baby what to 'expect' respective of his/her gender. Kaiser was born. I was in my room. Kaiser was in the nursery. Life was very exciting and nothing was wrong yet. I was waiting for the magical couple of hours to pass and the baby be brought into my room. Birdman came by. What will we call her? Isis (hypothetical name) Wow! But didn't she have so many struggles? Yeah, but still. She will overcom...

Couple of things I learnt in making the transition: 1. It is okay to link to other blogs, but reduce linking to your own posts. I am having a hard time 'restoring' links. 2. Avoid using your blog call sign within the text coz editing it for a few hundred posts is very fun too. 3. Even though comments for the main blog are exported, they won't be exported for the other standalone pages created. 4. If there ever was a time I was glad about not permitting anonymous commenting, this was it. 5. Check once if images are not missing. You can check twice as well. It makes scratching the forehead seem more justified. ---- I buckled under the comments I received on my January posts. It was a flood for me and I just had never handled such volume on the blog ever before. My head was full, my blog was full, my inbox was full. I tried to read for a while. And then stopped. I marked mails as read and archived them. I just want to say that I went back to reading those comments. I ...

We were having a pregnant-bellies-abound time in our office in 2010. A woman was due in early 2010. Shortly before she gave birth, I learnt that I was expecting. And then there was this idiot colleague of mine who fell pregnant. (Seriously, go read that post if you want to know why I called her that plus it's funny too.) She is due in May-end and she quit working in March-end. By the time I joined back office, she had already proceeded on her maternity leave. So, this dear princess was being oohie and ouchie throughout her time. Everyone could see - "Ohh, I am pregnant, please treat me very well" pasted on her forehead for all the while she was in office. She took it very easy. Imagine that January to March, she lived minus any classes and extra assignments in the office with-pay and all. So anyways, standing outside our office loo (which is a great area for sharing juicy bits, btw), I was speaking to this colleague and I asked about our princess. Why did she have ...

Birdman, on Saturday, inched a year closer to becoming 35 years old. His daughter should have been there. That would have been his gift. I was pregnant on my birthday. Even though I had no explicit gifts from him on the day, the fact that I was carrying such a sought-after-dreamed-about baby in itself was my greatest joy. I had this vague realization that his baby would be there, out and about in the world, on his birthday. It was not to be. I did not give him anything for his birthday. Seriously, I did not buy him any gifts. He had an office event and he had his dinner there. It is only yesterday night that we had his birthday dinner. It was pulling me down to think that it was a 16th when she died. On the day my hubby had his birthday this year, my daughter had been dead exactly three months.

I have lamented, which you would know if you have been around my blog for a while, that I did not have anything to offer for a certain wedding ritual we have. That one kid between five brothers officiated in that role in four weddings. That Birdman was the second one to wed, and he is the only one who has no living child. That everyone else already had kids or are on their way. In all the fretting over it, last year, my bro's wedding got fixed for 2011-end. Then I learnt I was pregnant, and I suddenly saw that my kid would definitely be there. I told my mom, and 'booked' Kaiser, even though I knew that my child would anyways have been the first preference. Then Kaiser died. And I realized, I won't have anyone, yet again, in that ceremony, on that place. My brother asked through mum if he should cancel the wedding (as in delay the dates for some more time). That would not help, and I don't think it would solve anything. My parents promised me that no other kid ...

By some choice of timing, I have been a bit nauseous the past couple of days. Night nausea...after dinner. No other symptoms are apparently there, so I am wondering. In all probability, it is the weather or purely psychological . Please do not say sparkly hope thoughts. I am only writing this because I want to document it. It won't be long before I will find out what it is. I am holding my peace for now. P.S. I did not take Duphaston this cycle. So, no progesterone is getting supplied to my body from outside.

My niece was a party to my pregnancy through the discussions that used to happen between her and her family. She was able to point out where the baby was because she would raise one finger strongly pointing at my belly. Her mother told her that she will have to give some of her toys and infant clothes to her aunt's baby. She agreed because by kid logic, at 2 1/2 she was already grown up. She was so aware of the baby, that she used to enquire about the baby without any pressing or word-feeding by her mom. for e.g., she once asked me if the baby had come. That was October, so I told her that the baby would come in February. One evening before the operation, I was talking to my SIL and she told me that my niece was so excited. You see, my niece was going to bathe the baby, feed her and take her to school. Everybody was excited. I have spoken to my niece only once since January. I wonder if she remembers the baby, or asks about the little one. --- We tend to settle in front ...

I bet my post is going to be shorter than the title. Or not. If I may admit it again, I am not talking to people. That part was mostly true till end-March though. I began to talk, and phone up others much later. For quite a while the only people I was talking to were Birdman, my parents and ILs. I am not talking to my brother. I did not talk to my SIL till March 29th came by. It was my niece's birthday and I called to wish her. I do not take the call of of this super-close friend I have, the one who had her baby #2, a beautiful baby girl in December last year. But we have exchanged messages over FB. Anyways, she caught me online on FB a bit back and we began to chat. I know that this is not what I should be bothered with, but she decided to talk about some issue she has because of which she has been put on some medication and hence has been disallowed breastfeeding her baby. The truth is that we have discussed these kind of things before. I was excited when she conceived. Her...

There are various versions of what people offer you. In terms of what they are able to verbalize about the loss and the way they want to express a way for conveying themselves - "I am sorry." "I am sorry for your loss." "I am sorry for your loss and I have lived with a similar loss too." (Those stories came out) "I am sorry for your loss and X, Y, Z have lived with a similar event too." "I am sorry for your loss, and then blah blah blah (about people whose story is more painful than yours; hopefully the comparison will make one feel better.) " "I am sorry for your loss but now you have to look forward." (What is forward anyways? Do I have any other way that I can take? I cannot unwind time.) "I am sorry for your loss, but you will have more (kids)." (Well, thanks for the info. Does it figure that I will love ALL my children very much?) "I am sorry but atleast you and Birdman are alright. You have...

Supergyn said three months. My mother ( the OB/Gyn in the house ) said three months. Dr. BS said six months. Dr. T ( Kaiser's ped ) said one year. I am working with the least interval. Of beginning to try again. This is so hard. When I was pregnant with CheekyBub, all the time I had spent in trying to conceive did not matter. It was as if everything had melted. The time had melted. The waiting had melted. To a very large extent, my frustration had melted. Before Kaiser, the only failure I knew was the failure to conceive. After Kaiser, the stakes are incredibly and painfully higher. From purely my personal view of my journey so far, the pain I felt at AF arriving cycle after cycle, and knowing that I am NOT pregnant was far lesser than losing my baby girl the way I did. The pain of not conceiving just does not live upto conceiving - carrying to term - birthing a live baby - losing her . It just is awfully wringing. One beautiful pregnancy later, I stand here staring at the start li...

It is something I have been holding on to. When a battle/war is fought, generally, the outcome is the first thing that becomes known to the world. And even though it is the Generals on either side who are the spotlights of the story, there are a lot of soldiers involved too. Soldiers too, know the outcome of what they have just faced, but every narrative would be different. Each soldier would have a story to tell, culminating into what the rest of the world knows as common knowledge. This story would have elements common to others' tales, and would also imbibe individual circumstances. What you read from my side, is well, my side. That is why, when people around me dish the had-good-intentions theory, I leave margin for that. We were ambushed, and in the worst way possible. I still do not think that I will ever overcome what was hidden from me, but I keep my ears open . I torture those around me, but I keep my heart open . My tears are the most important for me, but I keep my eyes ...

Alien Vs. Predator? Boa Vs Python? Jeez! Anyways, so the SuperGyn has ordained reading my results that my raised homocysteine levels warrant B12 supplementation. I already have a multivitamin in my micronutrient bounty, but I will need more. Apparently Metformin leads to lower B12 levels, and so SuperGyn thinks I should stop the Metformin. My mother (the resident OB) thinks non. What is no-debate-here decided though is that I will have to up my low dose aspirin level to 50 mg twice a day, and will go on heparin when I conceive. I am still waiting for uterus to stop playing squirt with me, so the aspirin will begin only then. SuperGyn thinks that even though the normalized ratio was in range one of my DRVVT time was a bit up. And oy, Duphaston 10 mg for 14 days beginning from CD14. I have this huge mental block against Duphaston...none of the cycles where I have taken it on a pre-empting basis have worked.So yeah! All the learning and let's-do-this aside, my fears have crept back. ...