My Lady of the Lantern

I remember Kmina once said that one forgets the early baby days pretty fast. I think she said that in reference to the arrival of Stevie and the early days.  I had the same feeling, and except now, my memory is coming back.  Figlia used to raise hell when she was hungry...she would cry miserably. That happens with M, when he has pooped. He will sound the alarm and is calmed only when he has been changed. Figlia loved bathing enough to get her displeasure noted when removed from water. M does not resist bathing, but he does not fuss much over being removed from the water. He gets fussy more because he is now hungry.  Figlia was as happy on the bed, as she was in my lap. M is more a lap baby. Figlia has started asking for cartoons to be put on TV. She asks for a specific one, but still settles for anything animated...mostly those that have animals (both farm and wild ones) and cars/trains. Why this is significant is because my daughter would not watch ...

M is just a little bit over 5 weeks old (count Tuesdays of every week).  He is now becoming more and more aware....he sleeps best from 0300 hours onwards, and my mum can vouch that she is more sleep deprived than me at this point of time.  Yesterday (24th) was cluster feeding evening/night. He just wouldn't get full! I am glad that we are not depending on just my milk-maids. He wanted to be continuously held, and well, continuously fed.  Finally he slept a little after 3 a.m. today, and woke up around 6 a.m. ish...and napped again without taking his usual feed amount!  He has started making these cute noises...he rests his feet and pushes himself, he turns himself (I do not think it is deliberate), follows the sounds, and can lift his head when put on belly or when held vertical for burping...he is gaining strength. His next immunization was scheduled for 30th, but we are post-consultation with SuperPed preponing it to 28th... as we might travel ...

I recently re-connected with someone I knew from my school days. We were acquainted, but never that close. She is married and her only child is a couple of years older than Figzy.  'Talking' to her, and our almost daily exchange later, I feel like she's thrown a bucketload of issues on which I can work upon. She did not tell me what was amiss with me...it was more a exchange of our mental frames, that made me more aware. Incidentally, we have both tried Vipassana. Incidentally, I make no use of it, except possibly, Anapana, which brings me back to the moment. However, I am a wild mare, I want to thump my hoofs and stomp off the scene. It takes a leash to make me stay put.  And here she was admitting what a mess she had been into, and it was mostly her mind's work. And being mindful has taken her off the crazy.  Oh yes, I know that word! Mindful, is it? Yes sir, I can be that. But I remember being that only in post-mortem analysis.  I have sha...

This time around, I deliberately avoided the hormonal support route to manage the bleeding. Rather than fooling the internal system, I wanted to allow an environment where my uterus became Zen on its own. I went back to the tonic due to which finally my twice a month periods had tamed down to once a month post-Figlia. This time....I mostly have bouts of bleeding....fresh red spurts that die in a brownish climax. However, bad boy uterus still acts up sometimes...like it happened last evening when the gush was so strong that I was afraid of moving, and with children around, not moving was not an option. I again resorted to le pill to kill the bleeding.  --- M knows when he is in my arms and I find it tougher to settle him on the bed than if anyone else is handling him. One morning, he and I slept such that he slept on me. It was a good stretch of sleep but I can hardly make it a permanent habit. --- We want to travel in the next week, but it hugely depends on m...

I wanted to write something else, and I hope to jot that down too, but yesterday's Pe.shawar attacks are on my mind heavily. I only caught the initial news part, and have tried to stay away from the debates on it, the endless discussion on what must happen next, and the politics happening at all levels on the same. They were children - killed for the fact that they were children of the army personnel. I don't know and don't understand the reasons. I do not want to know that they were shot and how they were shot. I don't want to know that some of them were beheaded, and that fellow students were made to watch. Teachers were set on fire, and the class was made to watch. That those who are left behind will never be the same again.  I can't think of the parents. So, I read the first news in, and have pretty much not looked at any more media coverage of it because it is too much for me. I was talking about the attacks on one platform yesterday, and it shocke...

I am done with having kids. That chapter from my life is closed.  And so, I am done with a pursuit that spanned a decade. - - - I am really looking forward to not cycling, and auto-estimating CD 10 - CD 24 of the coming cycles. - - - I am more rested this time around than I was after Figlia.  I do not nap in the day, and hardly get a full night's sleep, but to be able to manage 4-5 hours at a stretch is bliss too.  My inner guns will fire in the basetown, where taking care of M during the night will come upon me stronger (since mum will not be there), but for now, I am happy with all the sleep I can get. - - - Involving Figlia in activities specifically catering to M is a way I am trying to please her need to help the baby. She is amazing help during diaper changes. And she is obsessed with peeking at the "sheeeee" potty of her little brother. She even talks about her baby brother in the school, and apparently they must believe that he...

~filled with TMI~ Bleeding pretty much picked up today at 2:30 am...bright red blood and clots and I just popped in another pill. Since I was pretty much awake with the baby since that time to 5 am, atleast not having to worry about the blood was a relief.  Bleeding resumed around 10 am...and my mum wants me to have patience with it. Why the eff am I having bright red bleeding? One theory is that my periods might have resumed...it is 3 weeks post-delivery.  See, I might enjoy pregnancy but this time is very tough on me...the bleeding makes me behave like a psycho.  I am thinking of when to go back to our basetown. And what arrangements would have to come into place there.  ...more thoughts of the darned bleeding... I am thinking of how certain things might get easier when DH is around. ...more thoughts of the darned bleeding... I have leave till last week of February. When do I go back to work? Do I go back to work? ...more though...

Figzy had just walked out of the room. The baby was settled for a while, and I took the chance to lie down and catch a video on YouTube. It was almost 4 pm. I felt a gush between my legs. Nothing unusual about it. And then another gush.  I sat up and realized that the gush was a neat flow. I calmly called my mother, constantly aware that the blood was slipping out uninterrupted. I had ruined my underwear, and my clothes, and had magically left the bedsheet untouched.  I was having a 'bout'.  It killed my mental peace instantly. I was jumpy, irritated, unable to function, afraid of sitting down, or getting up after sitting. I was afraid of lying down. I soaked my pad in 45 mins, and it stained the next underwear I had put on.  I took two pills to kill the bleeding. They took an hour to take effect.  I had very relaxed spotting in the days before yesterday, and I had been happy to believe that it was different from the last two times.  ...

Figzy threw a massive tantrum the day of M's naming ceremony.  It was not due to the baby, but slightly different reason. I have forgotten that I am raising a girl who is now becoming more and more conscious of her own looks and people around her.  Figzy wore a cute dress, but my (older) niece wore an ethnic dress, and well the fit was thrown because Figzy wanted a dress just like that at that very point. I had neither the dress nor the option of acquiring one quickly. I had a change of dress for Figzy for a just-in-case situation, but my girl wanted none of it. The whining and crying continued and my niece gracefully decided on her own to change into a nice T-shirt and leggings. The temperature came down immediately. Wow! I have never experienced such a thing from Figzy. I was hugely appreciative of my niece, and I will have to pay more attention to what to make F wear for such gatherings.  - - - M's appetite has been growing by leaps and bounds. Las...