I recently re-connected with someone I knew from my school days. We were acquainted, but never that close. She is married and her only child is a couple of years older than Figzy.
'Talking' to her, and our almost daily exchange later, I feel like she's thrown a bucketload of issues on which I can work upon. She did not tell me what was amiss with me...it was more a exchange of our mental frames, that made me more aware.
Incidentally, we have both tried Vipassana. Incidentally, I make no use of it, except possibly, Anapana, which brings me back to the moment.
However, I am a wild mare, I want to thump my hoofs and stomp off the scene. It takes a leash to make me stay put.
And here she was admitting what a mess she had been into, and it was mostly her mind's work. And being mindful has taken her off the crazy.
Oh yes, I know that word! Mindful, is it? Yes sir, I can be that. But I remember being that only in post-mortem analysis.
I have shared before, how anxiety-prone I am. And I admit that my personality is a huge factor in it. My husband also calls me an escapist, but I refuse to believe him, even though I am aware I am *that* wild-mare who will run at the first sign of danger.
Most importantly, I have to remind myself to be cool and calm when I need it the most. And when I am cool and calm at some red flag, it usually means that I am about to unleash my thorned caustic tongue at someone. I am prepared to rip someone apart.
Recently, I questioned myself if controlling Figlia was an ego trip for me. She is such a slithery kind, that it takes me all my and my neighbours' patience to sometimes hold back the kind of disciplining I want to perpetrate.
And if I could just take a moment to calm myself first. If. If I could just learn to let it go. If I could just compose myself a bit more.
Yes, if I could be all of that, it would make me get off the ferris wheel. I need it more now. I am off to a place I have wanted to be in for so long, and it is still a lot of new learning for me. It's like trekking a difficult hill to get to a lighthouse, and that when you reach the top, your old compass is no longer useful.
These days are meant to understand that if I can learn some key lessons now, and bring them into practice, I am possibly saving a lifetime of unneeded worries. Figzy is going to be the girl she is. While she is one of my 'children', I am going to be the only mum she has. I can't be going wonky and blaming chemistry and hormones everyday.
I also know that this time (which I want to pass away quickly please) may appear tough, but it may not be the toughest test of our relationship.
I just want to be prepped, you know...just in case the wild mare gets too old and too weak to thump the hoofs and bolt. I have to have a steel saddleback then to tide over anything then.
So, I had to look up vipassana, and I agree that it's something you should look into further. :) Insight into the true nature of things...means figuring out how Figlia's mind works (either too similarly to yours for you to be able to recognize it or so vastly different that you can't predict what she will do next), so that you can guide (not control) her to the behavior you like. And Age 3 is when you have to be your toughest, most consistent self. That's when she really starts to learn that she is responsible for her own actions...and uses them to get the reactions she desires from the people in her life. Plus, it will be good practice for when she and M team up to make you insane!
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