My Lady of the Lantern

Monday night (April 27, 2009), we were about to conclude an intimate business when I asked DH whether he ever believes that we may remain childless. Answer? No. But the No is not as in, "No, we would not be childless" . The No stands for "I do not think about it" . Here I am, tempting my wrinkles to start coming around any day now (huh..overstatement) and totally aware of the prospect of being barren, and here I have a partner who does not think about it at all!!! I egged on. I was not convinced by his line of thinking, but DH had clammed up. Either he withheld his inner thoughts or he really was telling the truth to me about his attitude towards having or not having children ever. He said, 'Why fret over what is outside our control? '. I think as far as IF is concerned, in terms of Locus of Control, I am an internal and he is an external. Now his line of thinking has advantages, and possibly the biggest is that one is exempted from the pressure-cooker perfo...

Oh: I am wanting AF to be on time this month. Can't have it pushing into the trip dates. Aah: Remember this conversation ? Female had her fetus aborted because doctors said that the baby was abnormal. I am sad. But I won't judge her about whether what she did was right or wrong. Aha: Will tell it...when that happens....took the horse to the water...and he refused to drink, but today he has totally dived!!! Maybe soon! ^WiseGuy^

I did it...Last evening I sent a mail to Mel after having commented on the entire April ICLW list . I woke up today morning with a mail and a code to show off on my blog....I had done it. I finally, in the fourth attempt of ICLWing, added this bling to my kitty! Twitter was my best friend in this journey...It was easy for me to keep tabs on my progress because I tweeted frequently about my progress. I did a reverse sweep and this is what it became (at this point of time, the ICLW is not over yet). ICLW Wicket Count: 114-133 (Tally for the Day) ICLW Wicket Count: 71-133 (Tally for the Second Day) (+ 45, - 93) ICLW Wicket Count: 45-133 (Tally for the Third Day) (- 93) ICLW Wicket Count: 23-133 (Tally for the Fourth Day)(- 93) ICLW Wicket Count: 6-133 (Tally for the Fifth Day) (- 18) ICLW Wicket Count: 1-142 (Tally for the Sixth Day) (- 18) Highlights... #### In the end there was just one blog I could not comment, because it required a WordPress login which I do not have. ##...

Screenshot of this as on April 26, 2009. She has been spared. Thankfully. Click on the image for a larger picture. ^WiseGuy^

I was pretty stuck up about what to pick for this week’s Show and Tell. I had several options but nothing felt like ‘it’ for me. And then April 24 happened! Well, I was on twitter in the evening and happened to have a goofy conversation with Sharon . So I present to you a slice of tweet education! And yes, this Show and Tell is PAID!!!! You have to send me two good wishes per read. You can invisibly sign into your Paypal account and do it too! bored slightly... WiseGuyHey: Hey people, what are you most likely to have for your next meal? Sharonvw:@WiseGuyHey Bunny Chow!YUM!!! WiseGuyHey: @Sharonvw ....wowsers! She is kidding me.... Sharonvw: @WiseGuyHey Hahaha! Do you know what it is? Is she serious? Coz if she is, I really have no idea! WiseGuyHey: @Sharonvw A meal where Bunnies say - Hey I am from China and I shall cook today! That sounds funny...smiling.... WiseGuyHey: @Sharonvw I substitute ignorance with creativity...Most times it works, and then I get caught! :) Witty that.... Sh...

Well there had been a meeting in the office on Saturday evening and the Director asked us to submit choices for assignments in the next calendar year by Tuesday. The deal is that we may not get exactly everything of our liking, but allocations are made looking at preferences. If you remember this November post , my extended stay in City I then had caused me to surrender a plum assignment. Well, this time I was openly asked whether I would want to do it this year, and I turned down the offer outright. There is so much commitment (time, efforts and strategizing) involved that if I am planning an IVF/ICSI cycle again, there would be an ill-available me at some key points. Anyways, I spoke to my Director yesterday, (in private, behind closed doors) and I let him know that I am likely to take a month off. (My problem is that I need to travel overnight to a totally different city to meet my RE and there are no appropriate experts available here in G ). For IUI or just timed cycles, medical ...

I have been meaning to see the movie for quite sometime now. And it happened last night. Several things strike me: ~~~Ellen Page is amazing. She really did not appear to be anything older than 16. ~~~How come the Dad is so cool about having a pregnant daughter? ~~~Juno’s boyfriend – what a twerp! ~~~Juno gives birth and gives the baby for adoption and both she and her precious boyfriend refuse to see the baby. ~~~That girl screaming – Every child wants to be borned ! ~~~What is the emotional, mental and physical aftermath of this pregnancy and giving up of the baby? Does Juno carry any guilt? Does she ever want to find out about Vanessa and her son? ~~~Juno and the boyfriend are shown singing and kissing in the fag end of the movie. It is as if Juno lost a year not because of the baby, but an exchange program. As if the pregnancy and the baby passed away in the blink of an eye. I am not being judgmental. Am I missing a point here? ^WiseGuy^

Stumped? Almost as much as I am...why else would three posts land on my blog the same day??!! After I posted the last entry, I went straight to a meeting. I had my sanitary protection on, and did not check up till I reached home...about one and a half hour back...Guess what, there is nothin' on the pad beyond what must have passed then immediately. Fuck. I thought Ms AF was there. Now I have spotting, but I can't call it AF. There are two theories: 1. Ovulation spotting. If yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time that Ms O has informed me of her appearance. I have no way to verify this though. 2. Crappy Last Period. For those of you who read through my previous entries, I had an abnormal menstrual episode this last time. I bled late, and I bled little. Maybe there is some residue uterine lining that is still falling off. I have no way of verifying this either. Anyways, I am home and now in the confines of my four walls and tomorrow being a Sunday, I have some freedom...

....OMG, I am bleeding! My AF has come back! Incredible! It was hardly on April 7 that I bade her goodbye for-now. And today I am fucking bleeding again. How can somebody get periods just by thinking of Lupride??? I was thinking of Lupride yesterday evening, and today my uterus is convinced that my ass has been needle blessed by it! Oh...boo hoo, boo hoo...I am still in office, I have to survive a meeting. I thought I have to go pee, when I found blood. There were no symptoms. I was mentally unprepared. Good Lord, it was only eleven days ago. Do you hear that? Do you? ^WiseGuy^

Before you dive into this week's Show and Tell, there is a luscious news that has made its appearance yesterday. Yes folks, two IF bloggers have reported BFPs! Polly@In 2 Me See and S@By the pricking of my thumbs .... something wicked this way comes have clocked POAS heaven. Go congratulate them! And here we begin this week's show and tell! Scenario 1: You are walking on a street and an acquaintance stops by – Hey there, how are you? Aww, I am fine! How are you? I am fine too! Scenario 2: At a supermarket, you bump into somebody – Hey, long time, no see! How are you? Oh, I am fine! How are you? Same here! See the pattern there? We are programmed to usually answer “I am fine” even when what we are going through is contrary to what we are mouthing. That is the fodder for this Show and Tell. You see, I saw a movie (a long while back), which I did not forget. The movie was – Everybody Says I'm Fine . And its pretext is that no matter what hell runs through the private lives of ...

Cried. Sitting in the cabin right now...perfectly alright till a few minutes back. Thought over the visit of my aunts to my mother's home. One of my aunts has got me beautiful gifts over from England. Not that I have seen them, but with her taste, nothing can go wrong. Which led to the thought of what bedrooms they took in the home. Which led to my mother's statement that ever since I left her in December, the house does not feel as lonely as it used to. That there is some presence. A sense of company. Her insecurity, when Papa had to go away to a different city because of a transfer was reduced once I left. I remember that it was December 6th that I left. I was bleeding. Sounds like a blubber. Yes, that is how disjointed my thought process suddenly became. :( It could have been well into my second trimester now. Could have. Is not. ^WiseGuy^

So, this colleague of mine got some cake (left-over) to the office today. It was her daughter's birthday yesterday. Well, I got the cake. Evening, when all of us, were collecting stuff to get packing to home, she started walking around the cabins, handing over gift-wrapped items to some of my colleagues. She came to the cabin right in front of mine, but skipped my cave. She had colouring books(return gifts even though nobody from office was invited at home). I did not get it coz I do not have kids. Home Running the Message? I am stating this incident as a matter-of-fact, not as a matter-of-hurt. I think she could have been a bit subtle about it. But what can be expected from a batch of uber-fertiles? ^WiseGuy^

This is from Lori's ! My favourite tweet from the past seven days is: My mind is going bonkers with several thoughts asked to be thought at the same time... (Self, 4:31 PM Apr 12th from web) ^WiseGuy^

DH: And he told me that she will be needing extra support from now on... Me: Why? DH: Because she has developed a thyroid problem... Me: So? DH: She is pregnant. Me: Oh. Everybody is doing it God...it's the season to be knocked up.... ^WiseGuy^

I had caught this earlier this week from Elana’s blog . It is not an award or something, but I thought it was nice for a short recap. Here are the instructions: 1) Look at the list and put an 'X' (and bold) after those you have read. 2) Add a '+' to the ones you LOVE. 3) Star/Asterisk (*) those you plan on reading. 4) Put a # (and italics) by those you've started but not finished. 5) Tally your total at the bottom. The first thing to do with the rules is to mess them around. So rather than putting different pug marks, I chose to colour code my reads. Red is for books that I have read. Green is for books I began but never finished. And blue is for books I want to read. What can I say? I am a colourful person… 1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen [Enjoyed the book and the different adaptations of it into TV Series and Movies. Least favourite adaptation: Gurinder Chaddha’s Version ] 2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien 3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte 4 Harry Potter ...

Since this has been swimming in and out of my conscious thoughts...I will post it. One of my friends (read that word carefully....because I do not use it interchangeably with schoolmate/colleague/peer) and possibly one of the closest one (Again, I have different kind of 'closes') phoned me on Tuesday afternoon. I took it as a usual what's-up-with-you call, but it turned out to be different. After the first Hello, the statement shot at me was "What is PCOS?". So, now I was acting as a quick check encyclopaedia for anything to do with duh balls, situated close to the hose pipes into the cistern . Well, I tried to explain to her and asked what warranted the question. This friend has had thyroid problems for long (now totally under control), and is the mother of a 16 month old guy. She had no hitches conceiving her first. Anyhoo, she had some AF trouble since Nov 2008 and so she finally went for some consultation that has led to this diagnosis. My friend is now ...

Yes, I returned back, late last night. I have meant to blog...but something or the other just kept on popping and so it is now that I am sunk to blogging, even though my mind is fighting the rest of my senses for coffee. Yes the trip was nice blah blah...blah, and I shopped a bit and got a thumb ring and a necklace for an exciting souvenir...blah blah! We did not travel alone. Another infertile couple was also roped in our quest for the Holy Smoke. So we ended at wherever and did the whatever, and guess what? We did not talk/share history upto the time that we we were about to take the train back to the place from which we started. Guess what, she too was a case of Unexplained Infertility, still trying to strike lucky atleast once. " ...There is such a big file. Doctors can't tell what is wrong... They ask me as to how come no pregnancies have ever occurred... We went to ABC in M and we went to XYZ in G...Oh, treatment? No, I have given up on it...I am sure it has got somethin...

Yeah! Thanks for the comments, ladies! And I am still hoping for more input on the previous post! There are a few things that rose from the comments left on the previous post. For one, I did not have to sing sad songs for people to guess our fertility plight. In the environs where I exist, it is quite acceptable to be having a baby in the arms before the first wedding anniversary arrives. (One of my school friends had a baby two months prior to her first wedding anniversary, and we used to joke that she conceived on her nuptial bed). The second norm is to wait for a year or two and then have kids. We are way past the norm. People know we have been going to doctors. My mother is an OB/GYN. It is obvious. If we are not showing sociopathic tendencies and there is no blooming in the garden, everybody has just guessed the condition. I am also blessed with nosy relatives/close family. And people ask on the face. That sets everything on the table. But it still pinches me when people ask. When...

So, I wrote about this in another post , but was really whining about something else, so this issue became a victim of oversight. My hubby's boss is asking us to accompany him to a temple in his hometown. He is basically going there as a thanksgiving for the birth of his son (his second child). Apparently, as reported by him, the temple is a hit with both fertiles as well as infertiles. Fertiles go there to thank for the healthy offspring, and infertiles go there to get God to listen to their prayers. I have problems with that theory. I am not agnostic. I pray. I celebrate God in my own way, even if I am not hot on rituals. Believe me, I am an unusual entity in the kind of settings in which I am existing. My mother has elaborate rituals attached to her prayer routine. But she was not always like that. Over the years, she has discovered her own way. I too want to do the same thing. I don't want God to be heaped on me. If I come out with more rituals, it would be because my heart...

It certainly is my periods, the beloved AF, the clockwork mistress who whizzed in a bit late! She is also not feeling well. Rather than tormenting me, she has taken it upon herself to not be her former self. Sweetie, if you hate it so much, you too could take a long vacation, you know? And in the meanwhile, you could send Cinderella's Godmother to me. ^WiseGuy^

This week, I am sharing some photographs about three weeks old. There is some construction activity going on in the institute at the exact same location where the garden is right now. Hence, these small plants will be uprooted and replanted at another location where the new garden will be set up. I am not sure how many of these would survive the transfer. Anyways, I decided to click a few snaps… (Some of the flowers were in their fag season, and don’t appear to be so many in number…but don’t let that fool you). We have to pass the soon to be ex-garden on the way to the actual building, and I am often reminded of the greenery which was once there and won’t be once the construction is over. Others are Showing and Telling here ! ^WiseGuy^

Surprised! This has to be the lightest period in my menstrual history...there is no regular flow...only brown spots/clots... I still have to wear a pad, but I am wondering what is happening out there? Or maybe, the heavy phase will begin a little slowly. Preparing for whatever poof may come out of this... ^WiseGuy^

No continuous flow. Only clots. Brownish. Some new kind of AF episode being scripted. What is this? DH's boss is insisting on taking *us* to a temple in R on Thursday. His family (+ newborn son) will be accompanying us. That temple is revered for curing infertility. I am not claiming it... that's what has been dished to us. Huh! ^WiseGuy^

...a game of cat and mouse. You see, today morning, I felt a 'secretion' and checked immediately. Yes Sir, she is surely on my door! I got ready with the required ammunition. Well, ladies and gentlemen(I want to sound polite, if any of them are reading), I checked a couple of minutes ago, and there is nothing more on the pad, than those first few drops. And my ugly, witchy, puerile mind thinks,( incredibly ) maybe, this is just the bleeding a lot of pregger babes speak of. My face has eyes, but my mind has turned blind. Am I sounding crazy? After being 4 years, 6 months, and 3 weeks into the infertility loop, where anybody else could be termed a vet, I plead a charge of infertility induced insanity . Somebody save my soul! ^WiseGuy^

Snuffed out. Crushed. If I could conceive naturally, I would already have. Stupid Stupid Stupid Me! ^WiseGuy^

Other title for this post - Poster Girl of Subfertile Idiocy! Yes....that's what I feel. Tuesday, I went for a hush-hush blood draw - a quiet check on beta levels... I was scared of HPTs, so I fooled the bitch by going for the big kill. Today, the report came : You know what I feel? Can I begin to even use words? I have run out of abuses. Actually, I don't even care. I am. Hopeless. Miserable. Gloomy. Depressed. Stupid. Angry. Helpless. Hopeless. Miserable. Gloomy. Depressed. Angry. Helpless. Stupid. Hopeless. Miserable. Gloomy. Depressed. Angry. Stupid. Helpless. How could a girl who had to go up to the level of IVFwICSI think that she may have gotten knocked up the cheap, old fashioned way? ^WiseGuy^

This is frightful. I am scared. I am turning hopeful, and it is so very frightening. I keep on pulling my thoughts back from the light side of the tunnel towards the dark side of the tunnel. Scared....that's all! ^WiseGuy^