Since this has been swimming in and out of my conscious thoughts...I will post it.
One of my friends (read that word carefully....because I do not use it interchangeably with schoolmate/colleague/peer) and possibly one of the closest one (Again, I have different kind of 'closes') phoned me on Tuesday afternoon. I took it as a usual what's-up-with-you call, but it turned out to be different.
After the first Hello, the statement shot at me was "What is PCOS?". So, now I was acting as a quick check encyclopaedia for anything to do with duh balls, situated close to the hose pipes into the cistern.
Well, I tried to explain to her and asked what warranted the question.
This friend has had thyroid problems for long (now totally under control), and is the mother of a 16 month old guy. She had no hitches conceiving her first.
Anyhoo, she had some AF trouble since Nov 2008 and so she finally went for some consultation that has led to this diagnosis.
My friend is now browsing the net for more info, and called me up to ask for whatever I knew about this. She was glad she was saved all the in-law trauma of being a fertility-challenged DIL. And then in the middle of everything that she was telling -
Sheesh, this is the first time that I have compared the prospect of Secondary Infertility with Primary Infertility. I am not mean. I never have wanted to underplay or underestimate the pain involved. But one line from her went straight to a soft core somewhere inside me. That sentence did not dissolve. It kept swimming in my mind.
Is it that easy?
She asked me what to do. I just told her that if they planned on having more kids, maybe they should start TTC #2. They could be passive right now and then, move on to more active TTC in about six months or so.
She is exactly my age. We were born a week apart....I was born in December and she came on Earth, seven days later in next year's January. She got married in 2006. I got married in 2003 (the most repeated fact of this blog!).
Here I am...empty armed, while a close friend, whom I never want to hurt, is asking me if she should start planning for a second.
How strange to be asked this kind of a question? How strange is to be offering sound, head-screwed-in-the-right-place replies? How Ironic!
^WiseGuy^
One of my friends (read that word carefully....because I do not use it interchangeably with schoolmate/colleague/peer) and possibly one of the closest one (Again, I have different kind of 'closes') phoned me on Tuesday afternoon. I took it as a usual what's-up-with-you call, but it turned out to be different.
After the first Hello, the statement shot at me was "What is PCOS?". So, now I was acting as a quick check encyclopaedia for anything to do with duh balls, situated close to the hose pipes into the cistern.
Well, I tried to explain to her and asked what warranted the question.
This friend has had thyroid problems for long (now totally under control), and is the mother of a 16 month old guy. She had no hitches conceiving her first.
Anyhoo, she had some AF trouble since Nov 2008 and so she finally went for some consultation that has led to this diagnosis.
My friend is now browsing the net for more info, and called me up to ask for whatever I knew about this. She was glad she was saved all the in-law trauma of being a fertility-challenged DIL. And then in the middle of everything that she was telling -
"Thank God, I have C.....I don't know what would have happened if I had this earlier. Atleast, I will always have C!"
Sheesh, this is the first time that I have compared the prospect of Secondary Infertility with Primary Infertility. I am not mean. I never have wanted to underplay or underestimate the pain involved. But one line from her went straight to a soft core somewhere inside me. That sentence did not dissolve. It kept swimming in my mind.
Is it that easy?
She asked me what to do. I just told her that if they planned on having more kids, maybe they should start TTC #2. They could be passive right now and then, move on to more active TTC in about six months or so.
She is exactly my age. We were born a week apart....I was born in December and she came on Earth, seven days later in next year's January. She got married in 2006. I got married in 2003 (the most repeated fact of this blog!).
Here I am...empty armed, while a close friend, whom I never want to hurt, is asking me if she should start planning for a second.
How strange to be asked this kind of a question? How strange is to be offering sound, head-screwed-in-the-right-place replies? How Ironic!
^WiseGuy^
Ironic, indeed. You did well by her. You answered her questions, although, I can't imagine it felt good. THAT sentence, her sentence, is a killer though. It is one of those that won't leave your brain simply. At least it won't leave mine, simply.
ReplyDeleteEven the closest of friends have no idea what their words will do - even if they have stood by us through our journey: IF or loss, same result.
ReplyDeleteSadly, Cara is so right.
ReplyDeleteBut you did as much as you could - answered the questions you could, and tried to support her in her time of anxiety. My gosh, what more could one ask for in a friend?
You're a good friend.
ReplyDeleteI have little sympathy for secondary infertiles. But that is my issue, not theirs.
Big hugs
S X
That was dreadfully uncouth of her. I would not have stayed so calm. You must be a great friend.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to feel the same empathy for 'secondary infertiles' as I do for 'primary infertiles.' I just don't get how women who have one child feel that their hurt is as bad as ours. One of the current arguments on the web site IVFC, for instance, is that secondary IF is WORSE because the desire for more children increases exponentially after the birth of one child (presumably we don't know what love is until we have at least one baby?). This argument angers me to no end. They have at least ONE child. I don't. At the end of the day, they have at least one child to hold in their arms. They don't seem to understand that it's worse to have nothing.
Just a tiny clarification girls - She is not a secondary infertile. And they are not even TTC #2 yet. But with the diagnosis, they are likely to prepone trying for the second kid.
ReplyDelete1. I would have said "google it" (just kidding, I know you said she was a close friend, plus I have half the newly infertile asking me questions all the time and I kinda dig being able to help out, esp because I have PCOS).
ReplyDelete2. Her comment would have stayed in my head too. I'm not a little ashamed to admit that I stay away from secondary infertility blogs like the plague, although I know they have a different kinda hell, its not the hell I'm in, and seriously, the grass is ALWAYS fucking greener on the other side. Our girl Janaki died in 2007 and I have a really close friend who lost her son also but she has a live child/little girl and its very hard for me to connect emotionally with someone who has experienced motherhood in the practical sense, when all I have are 5 first trimester dead babies and one beautifully perfect dead little girl. It sucks ass. Her comment was probably unintentionally made, but I bet it stung, I know it would have stung me.
3. Good on you for taking it seemingly well.