My Lady of the Lantern

I have been having multiple issues with Blogspot for almost two months now.  I access the website from my laptop and it was working fine, till I wrote that "Cone of Silence" post. Since then, I can sign into gmail, but it always says "The webpage is not available" when I attempt to sign into blogger account.  I have tried fiddling with the settings, changing browsers, uninstalling and re-installing Chrome but the situation has not changed. If I directly feed my blog URL into the browser, it loads my blog, but the blog does not display correctly. I can visit other blogspot hosted blogs, but cannot leave a comment on any of them. It gets mad when I specifically want to leave a comment and can't get through. I have been posting from a fairly public setting since then. I find a quiet time spot in the computer lab and post my thoughts. If you have noticed, the font on every post for the last few posts is different. I rarely preview what has been posted, ...

If you recall, I told you about our early-Nov visit to my in-laws, and meeting with DH's extended family. One of the people I met was DH's uncle who has a grand-daughter P exactly six months older than Figzy. P's mum had to be admitted to the hospital with pre-term labour and eventually it became clear that the baby won't be in for long. Careful monitoring ensued and a comfortable gestation time was passed. When she was finally admitted to the hospital with contractions, it became a clear possibility that P would share her birthday with her Grandpa.  The whole family actually was hoping that it would be so, but P did not show up till the next day of her Grandpa's birthday.  Well, that uncle died recently. It was sudden and unexpected. The family was unprepared and they didn't know what hit them. He did not die of an accident or any prolonged illness. His death was swift.  Two days prior to his demise he complained of discomfort, which he attribu...

I know you are on the edge of your seat to find out how my trip was, right? It went well. It was good in some regards, but almost every day had some agenda, and I wish that I had some more downtime when I was there. My mother completely took over the feeding Figlia department, and I was able to go shopping minus Figlia, and got a haircut plus highlights at an old favourite salon. I fought with my brother on the last day, the kind where I-am-not-talking-to-you-ever verbal duel, where we kept on one-upping each other with rude words, till my mother intervened and made me shut up. Well, my ever lasted for a couple of hours, and by evening we were talking again.  As far as the travel to and fro was concerned, it was okay, and Figlia put up some fight only on our way back. My journey back was an overnight train, and my kid wanted to get out of the train, about 20 minutes after the train started. I finally convinced her that there was a large dog outside the door, and I could no...

November 28, 2013 Dear Diary, I just realized that my periods are due today. I took my supplies out, and stocked my purse with the tampons and pads.  November 30, 2013 Dear Diary, Two days up is nothing, right? December 2, 2013 Dear Diary, I have a lingering bad taste in my mouth, highly unusual. And there is a disturbance in my bowel movements.  I purchased a HPT on the way home, and could hardly wait to pee.  I peed, and there was a bright shiny single line. It's normal to keep checking the darned thing every few minutes to see if there be another line, right? I mean they have not designed the thing to shine only when held at a certain angle, right? Still checking. December 3, 2013 Dear Diary, Miraculously, there is no second line that has sprung up overnight.  My mouth on the other hand still has a bitter taste.  December 4, 2013 Dear Diary, I chewed mints through the day. I n...

There is a looming trip in the days ahead, the kind I want to take but am worked up about because it involves about 14 hours of travelling alone with an active toddler who is well, active. No, DH can't join me on any side, neither to the destination, nor will he accompany when we come back, so this could be very painful. The easiest way out is to decide on not to go, and that is the option I am strongly inclined on, but it would entail my missing out on number of things that currently appear important to me. Some family members have not met Figlia yet, and this would be a good chance for acquaintance but it is not happening if I do not go.  I am also looking into finding some route that can either cut down the travel time, or make it easier. Let's see if that happens. And then, I just spent the early half of this week alone with the kid, because DH had to unexpectedly go out of town for a couple of days. I was very nervous about it, but it has gone on smoother than...

We stopped at a grocery store on our way back from a wedding reception. We were pretty busy at the store. DH was picking stuff from his mental to-buy list. Figlia was busy picking things from our never-buy/dont-need list, and was trying out stuff with lids too. I was busy covering her tracks and cleaning the cart simultaneously. I veered towards the pastry counter, but something else stopped me in between.  I haven't seen myself in a full-length mirror the way I saw myself that evening. I was stunned to see my reflection. I have gained weight. Like, a lot. I don't need a scale, I have accommodated a whole baseball bat in my pelvis horizontally . I do have a full length mirror at home, but I have hardly needed it in a while now. I don't even comb my hair in front of a mirror. Sheesh.  I have always felt that I do not assess myself the way others assess me, and that holds true weight-wise too. But oh boy, would I like to go back to the weight when I...

I was cleaning a folder on my laptop  yesterday, when I decided to retain a couple of pictures in it. One is of L. The other one is of Figlia from the night she was released to us from the NICU, when I still had a head rush only from the fact that I had a kid and the kid was in my arms. She appears quiet, new-born kind, nestled in the nook of my left hand. Her lips look really red, and her eyes are closed.  L and Figzy look very different to me, but they definitely look sisters.  And there is something beautiful in that picture of Figzy where only she and my arm, and the print on my gown are showing. I never saw L's eyes open. She never came into my arms, and it seems that Figlia with her closed eyes and quiet rest in my arms is such an anti-thesis to the lonely pictures of my other child.  The truth is that never before yesterday had I registered the fact that I was attracted to this pic of Figlia and maybe the fact that her eyes were close...

Early days of November, we got to spend time with DH's side of the family. It was my first time with the new baby in the household, my four month old niece.( And things have wrapped up nicely, reproduction-wise for my SIL ). Several streams of emotions flowed concurrently on being with and around the baby.  - Amazement : Figlia bonded with her little cousin immediately. She showed no jealousy whatsoever at me or hubby fussing over the baby or carrying the infant around. She was generous with squishy kisses and "shake-hand' routines. - Relief: I was so happy to do everything for the baby - bottle feed her, sing to her, take her to the park, clean/change diapers and everything, and especially during the night, I felt relieved at the fact that it wasn't me who was set up for two wake-ups during the night. - Nostalgia: I gave away many of the first-year clothes to SIL. Seeing them on this new baby made me nostalgic. The clothes are the same, and it is amazin...

Some words are not birds, tapping eager feet on window sills; they can sit still and let winter hover yonder. Some words don't fall out; they linger, like curls of vapour from a steaming cup of tea. They rise to vanish, their existence ephemeral -  noticed only till the edge of the eager lip.

I am afraid that I won't conceive again. How can it be that while I can't see a new baby fitting in my set day I can't get over the idea of wanting another one? My metformin finished, and I just did not go back to the chemist to get any more. I have been very inconsistent about this. I don't believe in the drug. I don't believe in myself.  I just let it slip away. And I now feel like going back and give this thing a good shot. 

I have misplaced my princess  period diaries. You know the offline record that I had from 2008? That record is gone. I don't even remember when I last and browsed the old diaries. 

In a movie, the cone of silence was a defective technology that the spy used to communicate secrets. He thought that whatever he said while inside the cone was not hearable to others, but it did not work that way. I am entering a non-defective cone of silence.  I don't know, and have not thought of a time-frame for standing inside the cone. I am not quitting this place. I am just wanting to be quiet on my blog. You will find me around. And I might come out of the cone tomorrow. Or in the next half hour. Or the next month, or week. I just might. 

self-explanatory

The results will be out in a few hours.  I had cramping (uncharacteristic) all of late afternoon/evening yesterday. It freaked me out. Yesterday, while driving towards her daycare, I realized that I had not asked God for anything yet. I still did not. Yesterday evening, I hugged her more for calming myself than for loving her.  Last night, while washing my face before going to bed, I almost said, "Please", and did not follow it up with any request. 

(Uncharacteristic of me, this post has been typed and deleted, and then rephrased and re-typed.) I have run through three HPTs - 2 faint positives, and 1 invalid. Both the faint positives have emerged after the 'right' time of reading the results. Like I was wisely told in the last post, I am being prudent with my heart. I am acting normal with as much grace I can muster, and I am surprising myself at the outward calm. Inside, a tempest is passing though.  There is a reason why I was never able to draw straight lines free hand. I am incapable of it.  My blood test result will be available tomorrow.

Call it gut check .  I had reason to believe that we got our timing right this month.  I had symptoms too: out of whack bowels, drowsiness.  My periods are still a couple of days away. I decided to test anyways. Figlia did not ask for milk all night but she was fidgety and I slept fitfully last night. I woke up around 3 a.m. There was lightning outside. I desperately wanted to pee.  I decided to 'save my pee'.  At 5:25, I left the bed and did the deed.  A single line appeared.  Experience has taught me to not discard pee sticks. I kept this one on its appropriate place - any surface which is beyond Figlia's reach.  Around 7:30 a.m., I peered at the stick again. The pink on it looked mottled. A short time later, I saw a faint second line. I must be imagining it. I stared at it, took it to the window and burned it with my x-ray vision. The white other line was pinkish.  It would have helped to ha...

I hardly interfere with the daycare's working, care and handling of Figlia. She is well-adjusted there, they give her medicines on time, and she is getting fed, and changed, and is playing well.  There are only two points in the past where I have "taken up" with them. One was that her napping was all over the place, the other was that I wanted them to be gentle with the cleaning when she had diarrhoea in December, because her bums were sore from rubbing. However, I have two more issues now. Figlia appears to be allergic to the national birds of mention - mosquitoes. Once bitten, that spot becomes red, or develops a brownish scab, and the mark will go away in its own sweet time. And the daycare is in the middle of the swamp, I suppose. She has been coming back with bites regularly. One of her leg has got eight bite marks as of now.  And the other thing which has arrived like crisis o'clock is that I have 'lost' eight pajamas in the last ten days o...

I have walked two tangential chords in dealing with my grief recently. I was flipping through pics in my phone gallery, and I stopped and stared at pics of CBub. I was observing her features in a cant-have-enough-slash-seeing-for-the-first-time-way and then I wondered if this has actually happened. That she ever existed. It felt like I just had a bad dream. Her whole episode and presence/absence was just a dream, nothing real, just a fantasy.  And then I got up from the bed, and shook out of the self-induced stupor. On another angle, I seem to suffer the guilt that had I been more assertive* in my one encounter, my one chance of holding my baby girl, I would not have suffered that tumble of emotions that sprint painfully in me often. If I had been more assertive, I would have insisted that I be allowed to touch her beyond keeping a finger on her.  My daughter went to her grave from my womb. She did not get the warmth of her mother's arms. Strangers handled he...

Someone at the workplace said something to me yesterday which bugged me every time I recalled it. If you know me any better, you would know that I recalled it often.  It was not what she said. It was what I think she meant.  I don't know how many years of my lifetime I have expended on first assessing and then trying to separate what was said and what I perceive what was said, and here I was - bugged again. Feeling hurt is the first thing that happens to me. My spontaneity then becomes my next enemy. I cannot hide my hurt. I cannot hide my happiness. It will take me (sometimes when I am lucky), just a minute to be composed again. Otherwise, the simmering brew of replaying episodes, and re-living the incident will stay with me for on and on. I was thinking of this today morning too when I chanced upon this quote in the newspaper, which seemed very opportune. I smiled, and my answer was before me. I need to teach myself to overlook. Somethings deserve to be forg...

We are doing better on the appetite department, and I am feeling better because of that. When the kid refuses to eat, she goes on milk which does not fill her up, which makes her irritable and whiny. Since the appetite re-emerged, the whine quotient has definitely nosedived.  But meal times are now major mess times. I have to change her clothes and my clothes after she is done. I lay a newspaper on the floor before she eats because I am not turning into a mopping superwoman ever - not my perfect career choice. I am still trying to persuade her to not wipe her hands on me or her clothes (I do not dress her down before meals)- which she then points to me to clean.  She needs spoons in both her hands, and I keep a feeding weapon spoon in my hand, so I also sneak in a few bites into her mouth, which she takes in, and then will either spit out or chew. Spitting out is not because she does not want it, it is because she has detected mummy-sneak on it. And since she has not...

Two for the price of one - that's what this PM post is. - - - - -  I had a pink eye early this month. My right eye got affected, and though I tried to prevent it, my left one went down with it too. I cut down on physical contact with the kid. One evening, when I was already on the mend, Figlia was sitting in my lap, and I was rubbing her legs, asking her if she liked it. My daughter opened the palm of my right hand, and bent down and kissed it.  I had missed kissing her, and I think she missed it too.  I had thus received my first spontaneous kiss , though she keeps giving actual and flying kisses when asked. - - - - - We are never out of dirty laundry. We will never be out of it, unless they invent machines that load themselves, wash, dry and fold clothes.  Clothes are washed on priority basis.  I was sorting though the laundry, when I came upon this top Figlia had worn the previous evening. Don't know what came upon me, but ...

Yeah Yeah I am so cool I rap on my Aunt Flo I rap for my Aunt Flo, Sistah She came bang on time, I am rocking this one Aunt Flo, Aunt Ah-Flo Sista, Whutha, Butha, WhatthehellIamwritingHere, BrothA! tYPOS are a-coming You shall not escape it,  I shall rap and rap and rap, And not the knuckles, mind you, coz I can sing on my A-FLo I can sing on it, can you, Can you Sing with A-fLo.. I stopped my ASA four days before the le de de be baby expected caaaycle day one And I think that means a normal Aun-Flo. And daughter, She is teething Again, The molars are hellars That leads to whine happy hours But I am singing it, a-Flo, A-fLo, A-Flo! This is just mutha, Sista, Whutha, Butha, WhatthehellIamwritingHere, BrothA!

I have some sort of date anxiety.  I had this strange sense of restlessness, and dull agitation and had to recall what date it was today, and then I thought: "But it isn't a 14th, or 15th or 16th, so why this feeling?" But the question is, would that restlessness be justified it was a 14th or 15th or 16th?  And I found that I had calmed down, knowing that it was not any of the aforementioned dates. So it must be the dates shuffling my brain switches for sure.  Well, it does not affect my productivity, but I definitely feel the calendar. 

Nessa plucked the rosebud before I could say No, What did you do, Nessa? So useless, the bud now, which can no longer bloom before withering. Oh Nessa, what did you do! I put the bud on its earth, A tiny mud pot where the plant lived; Oh Nessa, we lost a flower. Till I came back on the balcony the next morning. A limp bud remained on the earth. Nature won't be kind to it. It won't open before it dies at what it is now. Till my eyes shifted to the plant. One stem looked startled. It looked shocked to see the bud it nourished to be fallen before it finished nurturing it. Its green stopped short at a point, awkwardly amputated. Oh Nessa, it was not just that rose. The stem is crying too.

Figlia's excitement at a thing she loves is visible. Her face lights up; she runs for it; she grabs it and holds it close or she will sit dutifully expecting the if-edible item to land in her mouth. She will nudge you if you are late. But she behaved quite the contrary day before yesterday. She wanted what was in my hands, but gave me a sideways glance of  ' obviously, I don't want it' and then held herself till I extended my hand and gave it to her. I have seen her do this before, but it such a remarkable thing - this idea of her expressing herself differently even when she wants something.  

Since I haven't overshared already about my mental yo-yo on wanting another child, here is a detailed breakdown on what my latest electrifying breaking-news decision is. Some elements of my decision are what they always were, and some elements are modified (obviously yet again, and again and again). Fixed/As Before - I am on Metformin/Aspirin already, and I will not discontinue it (till my deadline) mostly because my body is now adjusted to it. Fixed/ As Before - Since, I have always alluded to some mental deadline for TTC but never mentioned it here, I need to be specific and loud in what that personal deadline is. If not pregnant by my 37th birthday, I will discontinue Metformin/Aspirin and give up on TTC completely .   I need to know when to get down this roller-coaster or I will fuse my entire remaining fertile life on the pursuit of this . If I did not mention the deadline, you know what I will do? Sneak in 6 month increments to the deadline, and believe I am fooli...

Right around my last post, we hit the jackpot of viral fever and cold & cough .  Cue in 3 am crying wake-ups. I must however note that the reason was different every time. Fever spikes woke her up. Colic woke her up.  As of today, the fever cycle is completely broken. She is over it, but the cough and runny nose persists. Since the party was not loud enough, there has been teething drama too.  Dear daughter woke up at 5 a.m. and did not go back to sleep. When she started to cry around 7:45 and would not take a break, DH and I were quickly relegated to wit's end by 8:30 a.m. Everything was irritating her. We could not persuade her to stop crying. She refused to eat breakfast. More crying. Finally, she settled with a bottle of milk, and well, went to sleep. It has been ages since I carried a sleeping bub to daycare. I do not even recall the last time I did it! While bathing her I asked her to hold her mouth open for me, and in the nanosecond o...

Figlia turns 18 month old today. I am so excited about that milestone.  She has had some cough (no snotty nose though) for the past few days, and has a low-grade fever today. She is in the daycare, and they are telling me that she is acting her usual self. I am praying that this is just teething-induced fever (there has been one episode of this in the past), and that it will be gone for good by the evening.  Figlia tried fresh plums for the first time past Saturday, and then last evening again. She loved it! The one fruit she is head over heel in love with is banana.  I have a banana related story from my childhood. On a particular test in school, we were asked to spell banana. I loved the word so much, that even though I knew the right spelling, I continued to add my-concept-of-endless-na to it. Poor banana became banananananananana....

Can I just quote "It's Complicated" on my TTC sentiments as of now? I mean, that status goes for relationships, but I want to use the same caption for all that is boiling inside me - the spices of timing, effort, charting energy, finances, logistics, toddler energy, desires, convenience all bubbling and lending flavour of different sorts at different times . At this time, charting and planning are more cumbersome than hoping for a surprise pregnancy. But my mind knows no rest.  So as of now, I cannot label anything that says - NTNP, NP, NT or whatever else abbreviations that exist. I am all of it.  It made me mad to see my CM change, and knowing that I had missed the 'fertile window' and the cycle was in the trash can.  It makes me mad that I am too wiped for any action late in the night (late because we wait for kid to sleep), and I am not a morning star. I want my coffee. Pick me up and take me to the bathroom, pull the sheet. Don't expect a...

I have to record this because it's like awesome! On Sunday, Figzy napped 1:40-5:20 p.m.! During her noon naps (when at home), she wakes up an hour after going to sleep. If you give her the bottle then, she goes back to sleeping. But the girl did not even wake up before 3:15 p.m.  And then in the night, DH put her to bed and she slept by 9 p.m. and then woke up around 8 a.m. on Monday. She did wake up and stir her usual during the night, but this kind and amount of sleeping is un-Figlia and a first in her history . I was blown away. She still naps badly at the daycare - 20 - 25 minutes max. And she is still  charging in the house till 10:30 p.m. these days. 8 o'clock bedtime has been rejected firmly. Darkness be damned, the Miss will just take the bottle, get down from the bed and run out into the living room if she is not ready to sleep. So we no longer attempt to take her to bed before she is lying still on the living room floor (she loves it.). - - -  ...

Every evening, daughter and I rush out of our flat like ants out of a soaked ant hill ( I am obsessed with ants. ). And well, in an attempt to discourage her repeat begging to be lifted in my arms, I let her wander once we are down the stairs, rather than to pick her up/ or make her walk, take her to the park and deposit her there, expecting play from her. Of course, children rain down and my daughter fights off all that hugging, touching, prodding by running to Mommy and asking to be held. So I let her wander. Suits me just fine. She plays as she pleases, and I get to supervise and intervene only at points of alarm. Sometimes, we even make it to the park.  The best thing is that 'pick me up' frequency has gone down. A few evenings before, dear daughter added a new item to the list of ' Things my mother never thought I will eat '. She got down to her knees and bent her face in a thing I won't mention and munched in a mouthful of loose gravel. Epic spitt...

*TMI Alert - reference to bleeding* When I woke up today morning - a jolting realization of 'wet', I immediately rushed to the next room to change my tampon. It was not wake-up time yet. The clock showed that it was just past 3 a.m. Once I was done, I roamed about the dark house, and came back to bed. In the darkness I saw two silhouettes of different lengths on the bed. The baby continued to sleep, and I slipped onto my side of the bed and tried to get back to sleeping.  I was so happy to be far away from that time when I bled like crazy, and I was frustrated not just for the bleeding but because after a whole sleepless night of disgusting battle with menstruation , the child was stirring and ready for a feed/activity, and I was utterly drained.  I felt better for the very fact that I could go back to bed.  This aspect of post-partum bleeding is one of things heavily weighing on my mind regards another pregnancy. I am completely wiped off and do not wan...

The timesuck that the book of faces* is, it's been adding to another sort of agony lately. How do you block someone who is not on your friend list? I mean, the other lady is not sending me any spam or doing anything. She just sits on the profile of hers, and yet her mere mention turns me into an agitated porcupine.  I was not kidding about the negative looping inside my brain. This lady, let's imaginatively call her Mary. Mary attended the same school as me from the word "start school" to "pass out from school". I knew she existed and the feeling was mutual. We never did have any anti winds flowing between us. Mary was on the plump side and wore thick spectacles. We smiled at each other and that was that - hardly any other interaction. We met in another kind of academic setting four years later. I enrolled in a short-term computer course, and attended evening classes. The batch size was small.  And there was Mary. Mary had lost the puppy fat...

It has taken me a brief while to realize this, but Figlia has pushed her sleeptime by a good 90 minutes.  I mean, there was once upon a time when I would take her to bed at 8, and she would be asleep max by 8:30, or at most by 8:45, but it appears that she is not interested in the bed thingy till 9:30 p.m. lately. Since, her morning wake-ups are dodgy (her sleeping late or early does not affect the fact that she sings rooster around 5:30), I like her to be in bed earlier than later. (But hey, lately even though she wakes at 5:30, she is interested in closing her eyes again.) The plus side of this is that she gets to meet Daddy in the night before she sleeps.  I can only go with the flow, and that is all that I am going to do. Last night I attempted to take her to bed at 8:45 pm. She got down from the bed, opened the door and walked straight out. Then when I tried to take her to bed half an hour later she got down again.  Go with the flow, obviously. ...

I was googling about 'Eye of Cassandra' when I chanced upon texts related to Hector and Andromache and the Trojan War.  I have read about the Trojan War. I know through that reference about Helen and all of that. Beyond the story of the crafty horse, I had also seen the movie . Incidentally, I believed the movie version of the story, especially about what happened to Andromache and remaining royals.  In the movie, it is shown that the remaining royals are leaving through some secret door. There have been deaths far too painful and many, but these people are shown escaping. Later, there is the scene of Achilles being shot an arrow in his foot.  I vividly remember Hector holding his infant son in one of the movie scenes, after his return from Greece.  And just like that, reading about Cassandra led me to the story of Andromache's son from Hector, Astyanax.  After the war, Astyanax was hurled down the walls of the Fort . I felt my heart jolt, j...

I look at your picture, and sometimes, like it just did right about now, my heart twists at those eyes tight shut. I wish I saw you with your eyes open. How were they?

Figlia has diarrhoea. I lose my marbles when she has diarrhoea. Her December problems were an offshoot of the diarrhoea then. And that memory is pretty fresh.  Thankfully, she has responded well to a medicine  this time. Her frequency went down from 8 times a day to 3-4 times, but if I withdraw the medicine, the frequency increases.  The better part of this post is that she is eating well, and is playful. Her activity has not taken a hit, but I am definitely looking for a way to get over this diarrhoea business soon. It has been a little more than two weeks now, and it is a good window for the darned thing to go away.

Figlia has found her voice. She tests it with -  a) shrieking b) screaming c) shrieking She could just stand in the middle of the room, and test it out. It was funny a couple of times, but today DH told her that it was not a good thing. Well, she responded by shrieking about 30 minutes after the thought was transmitted to her in adult language.  - - - -  It is amazing to watch her trace her path to the neighbourhood's daily needs shop. The park is close by and she just takes off, enters the place and points at their refrigerator. But she has learnt the way. She locates that  place. Awesome! - - - - Diarrhoea still persists. She has responded well to a particular medication, but as I experienced recently, if I withdraw the medicine, the frequency increases.  - - - -  I let Figlia play as she would like in the park - which includes her playing and rolling and beating the dust and raising clouds, but not mud.  (Figlia ...

I am not a theme/resolution person though I did select 'Kindness' as a manna for me this year. I need kindness for myself, if I have to stop being so hard on me. It is one thing as to the things that actually go wrong. But I seem to have developed a habit of looping and repeating the negative experience in my mind till something else comes up. I began taking hurt too personally, and kept it close. If you do not let the owwie heal, the owwie stays . I forgot that.  So kindness was what I needed, and it seems gratitude is a close cousin too...so both of them are in my life every day and I remind myself to breathe, let go, be thankful for what good it was.  AF came on Sunday night. I had broken down and tested on Thursday evening. If there ever was a single-liner HPT, this was definitely one of the best exhibits. But when couple of days passed, I actually began thinking of buying another test and using a morning sample to get the result. And then my periods came. Six...