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Around & With

Early days of November, we got to spend time with DH's side of the family. It was my first time with the new baby in the household, my four month old niece.( And things have wrapped up nicely, reproduction-wise for my SIL). Several streams of emotions flowed concurrently on being with and around the baby. 

- Amazement: Figlia bonded with her little cousin immediately. She showed no jealousy whatsoever at me or hubby fussing over the baby or carrying the infant around. She was generous with squishy kisses and "shake-hand' routines.

- Relief: I was so happy to do everything for the baby - bottle feed her, sing to her, take her to the park, clean/change diapers and everything, and especially during the night, I felt relieved at the fact that it wasn't me who was set up for two wake-ups during the night.

- Nostalgia: I gave away many of the first-year clothes to SIL. Seeing them on this new baby made me nostalgic. The clothes are the same, and it is amazing to think that they were once too loose, then just-right, and now too small for Figlia.

- Longing: I think I will like to experience another pregnancy. Somehow my mind is still wrapping itself with "it's okay" for Figlia not having a sibling, but there is a voice somewhere down there inside me, the one I do not subdue because I can't, which gets rowdy when baby fever hits me. 

- Grief: I will no longer be able (ever) to swallow the sight of two-daughters families without a perceptible or imperceptible lump in my throat. It gets to me every time. I notice it every time.

I am still on a break from my Metformin and Aspirin. I just did not go back to the chemist and get the medicines, but the stir in me makes me think that I will be getting the prescription filled eventually. I just feel weary of being in the trying to conceive arena - a droopy-shouldered warrior. I also feel a little numb.

Comments

  1. battynurse11 November 2013 at 22:54

    Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stacie12 November 2013 at 00:30

    "A droopy-shouldered warrior" - it does feel like that. Sigh. I wish all of this was easier. Many hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. areyoukiddingme12 November 2013 at 23:19

    How nice to see Figlia with her cousin! (The upside is that, if you choose/get stuck with (however it works out) an only child, she will have cousins of a similar age as family. There is no deprivation for her in any of your choices/circumstances. I hate phrasing things in such a way, but I've learned that not everything is a specific choice.)

    Soldier on, warrior - numbness is part of war. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mina14 November 2013 at 04:32

    George is now behaving loads better with his little brother, and I can't say if it is because he understand more or they have now both reached the stage when they can do things together (or mostly to each other, but you know what I mean). Perhaps Figlia will be loads better too with a sibling. I see the little girls in the nursery/kindergarten, and it is amazing how they are so much better with babies than the boys (who invariably want to poke the babies in the eye. WHY?).
    I agree with A above. Numbness IS part of war. Soldier on.

    ReplyDelete

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