My Lady of the Lantern

Before anything else, go sing a happy song for Barbara ...she just found out that she is expecting!!! Completely Awesome! And a pure ray of hope! I know that with the previous post, it appeared to some of you that I was all set to get that IUI. No, I won't . I have put on hold a number of things to be pregnant, or to the imaginary prospect of having conceived. I will not compromise a predictable outcome for the sake of something that remains as much a shot in the dark as ever. I have something lined up really...thesis, weight loss, good shot at pregnancy ( and the last two can run concurrent ). But I cannot keep up with the rush of u/s appointments and my guide's expectations. Plus, I am not a good multi-tasker ( ambiguous about it totally ), and I manage superbly only when I am playing Farmville, and tweeting and writing a mail around the same moment of time * ...I am just not upto doing it. I can get the IUI done in this very city, and that is the sweetest thing, you know. An...

Well he was definitely not saying: 'Respect My Authoritah!!!' I know that by now you must have lost track of all the loony paths I take you to...but hold my hand patiently while I walk you through another realm of irrationality. I dream. My mother dreams. My aunts dream. The street-dog in the next lane dreams. We dream different. Sometimes our dreams cross paths. At such times, we do stop by the picket fences in the moonlight-filled haze to wave at each other. There is a bit of information I withheld from you guys. The morning of 21st November 2008, when I woke from my dream, another aunt reported seeing something, and a second aunt reported something. We did not see the same thing, but it was all connected. My second aunt was not even aware of what I had been upto in my stellar reproductive quest. My mother did not see anything. I am not a dabbler in paranormal. I am not even recommending it. But my mother recently saw a dream and God apparently asked her for me to do a back-t...

I was leafing through a book at my mother’s place titled Intrauterine Insemination edited by Dr. Gautam Allahbadia. It has several articles, including a historical review on the subject by Dr. Adi E Dastur. I want to share the stories he has told about the incidence of Artificial Insemination in our history. He has spoken of Jeremiah, and Rachel, Sarah, Hannah, Michael and Women in the Abimelech’s household, along with Leah. He has also spoken of how Romans and Greeks appealed for divine intervention and added to it magic formula, songs and incantations. Dr. Dastur states that the tenet of insemination is documented in the Hebraic Talmud in the first 30 years of the second century. A very interesting tale is of an Arabian who during the Arabian hegira in 1322 used insemination on his mare. He left a wad of wool in the mare’s vagina overnight, and then in the cover of darkness had his rival’s prize stallion sniff it. Excited, the stallion ejaculated on a cloth that was kept ready to re...

AF arrived yesterday evening. Bloggers, Aaafra Faafra is visiting me. Tweetypies, Agnedy Fugnimima has come! Am glad that she did not act up on me this cycle. I would have wanted an alternate scenario, for it to not have arrived at all. But, not being pregnant and not having the periods is horrible. The other thing is that unlike the medicated cycle in September, I won’t be doing Clomid in October and November. I had to decide on this fast because AF was here, and the cycle day count had been reset. I think doing round after round of ovulation inducing medication had contributed to the cyst (now disappeared, thankfully) and I do not want to make the same mistake again. I want to be more precise in terms of when I want to use these medicines. If I had an iota of hope that I would be able to manage timed s#x these two months, I would have given Clomid a shot, but I know that it won’t be possible. We would be travelling, or spending time with his family, or attending the two major w...

Well, doc eased the wand into the-land-that-is-fallow. I was almost also thinking that maybe she would ask me to chuck the blood test report and say that she could really see a sac inside and that was the reason why my periods had not come. She swung left, and she swung right. Caught on to zones and froze them eternal. But all she muttered: Nopes. No pregnancy. Ah okay, I knew that was the case, but anyways would not have hurt to be blindsided by a miracle. Overall her impression from the TVS was: ** Anteverted Uterus – That is the best part. The first time I have not heard retroversion/partial retroversion with respect to my U. ** Endometrial Echo Central Thickened; Hyper-echoic ** Both ovaries prominent and few tiny follicles – Woohoo! The cyst has not come back! ** POD is clear Summation: Non-gravid uterus (Secretory Phase) I have been given a ten-day course of Duphaston (10 mg) and Pregnistar (Levothyroxine, Pyridoxine Hydrocholoride and Nicotinamide). That should be bringing some ...

Infertility is a journey where one cannot claim the universality of ‘As you sow, so shall you reap’ . This is the first cycle since January when I am proactively in the race. Prior to this, I was only worked about the impending arrival of AF, and how many days late or early it is/ was/ could be. We had sex. We did not have sex. And I cared two hoots about when that happened in the previous cycles. And even though I did not harp on CD this and CD that for the current cycle, everything was virtually chalked out. [That's my beautiful chart...Click for a larger view of my intimate life.] So, as of now I am in the 2ww (what a joke!). We have timed our lovemaking to specifically coincide with my fertile period. Let’s see how the natural IUI works out *smiling * . I plan to do this again for at least one more cycle and then just go for an ovulation study (yippee dildo cams). Since I have had one of the ovaries exhibit a single cyst before, and I have not had an ultrasound in months ( ...

Well there had been a meeting in the office on Saturday evening and the Director asked us to submit choices for assignments in the next calendar year by Tuesday. The deal is that we may not get exactly everything of our liking, but allocations are made looking at preferences. If you remember this November post , my extended stay in City I then had caused me to surrender a plum assignment. Well, this time I was openly asked whether I would want to do it this year, and I turned down the offer outright. There is so much commitment (time, efforts and strategizing) involved that if I am planning an IVF/ICSI cycle again, there would be an ill-available me at some key points. Anyways, I spoke to my Director yesterday, (in private, behind closed doors) and I let him know that I am likely to take a month off. (My problem is that I need to travel overnight to a totally different city to meet my RE and there are no appropriate experts available here in G ). For IUI or just timed cycles, medical ...

I am still in utter disbelief. I can’t understand what went wrong and where. I can’t ever understand these numbers. One particular IUI, a doc said that there was a 10 percent chance of success. I was mentally able to calculate the failure percentage, but I just could not comprehend the heartache of being in the rest 90 percent. This particular hospital I was with for IVF w/ICSI quoted a very high success rate (no, nothing phoney, that much is checked out). But again I just could not understand the grief of being on the other side of the success range. I just can’t absorb this in the first go. There were so many positive vibes and signs this time. I had my mother with me all the time. God can’t prove even her correct? I have always trusted her to have a deeper, truer, stronger bond with God. Does she feel betrayed? I do not know. I will never ask her this question as well. I could be in any amount of trouble, but if my mother stood by me, I always knew that everything will be alright....

This cycle, I am going to Indore and getting cozy with a new doctor that my mom (the resident backgrounder) has recommended. With so many failed IUIs and Mother Nature's indifference, my mom feels it is time to think about other techniques. A part of me is repelling it, the other part feels compelled emotionally and none of my parts are hopeful of anything, thankfully.

Yeps, I have returned back to normal WaitLand.....Duphaston, Susten and Folic Acid and like.... Let's see what this cycle brings through... I am dying to see if this IUI did bring in any results. What happened to ovum when it came free from the tubes... Wait and Watch....

Yeah Yeah.... I have been undergoing the ovulation study for this cycle and will be travelling to City I to see if this one gets fructified. My sonologist is not available tomorrow, so I can't take any chances. The left ovary has one follicle that is at 17...it would supposedly erupt anytime.... I hate this thing. This cycle, an IUI is being planned. So, first the artifical means of getting pregnant and then waiting for the periods and the depression of bleeding through. For me, it is not the possibility of not having children that is scary, but the thought of being incapable of it that is scarier. Will see what comes through....