My Lady of the Lantern

(This post is not one of the posts mentioned in pro-post. This post comes fresh off the keyboard.) The wickedest manifestation of this whole January event is that I have developed this fear - what if something happens to Birdman? What if he dies? I know it sounds bizarre to be thinking like this, and I think I have talked about this fear once before, but it reared its ugly head again today evening, and I can't help but mentally shiver at that sensation. I don't want to think negative. But I remain very concerned. I make him message me whenever he is out for dinner and will be coming late. I get upset if he forgets to. I prayed to CheekyBub today - told her my fear, and I feel awful to even think like that, but I can't help. My mind wanders to it on its own. I have to find some solution to this horrible line of thinking soon. I can't let innocuous cues and threads of our conversation hit me like a brick-bat or send me hurling into the corner.

He came to meet me that morning. I was just sitting on the new bed, adjusting to the new room, absorbing the new environs. His eyes were red. There was some commotion outside just before he entered. I was in no position to walk to the door and come back, and I remained sitting. Two people came into my room, and one was him. His eyes revealed fatigue and lack of sleep. They told me that they were taking her away to VeryBigCity. In fact, the ambulance had already arrived and they were leaving immediately. That she would have the best care and nothing lesser than that. They began to leave. I asked for him to stay back. I should have noticed the ripple of tension that passed when I made that request, but didn't. I asked him to hug me. He came close and threw an arm around me. I was still sitting, I suppose. I looked at him and I asked him to bring me my daughter back. 'Promise me you will bring our daughter back.' And he? He promised. He promised to bring her back. ...

I have a couple of posts lying in my drafts for a while. They are done, but I never posted them. And I feel like posting them, so I guess they will finally see the light of day. (I normally don't compose a post and let it lying around for very long. That's not my blogging style.) Just keep in mind that posts were 'finished' sometime in July. In a relevant update, I am now dealing with nausea that has changed its appearance schedule. The queasy feeling hits me late in the morning - like around 10 o'clock or so, and can stay till lunchtime. With CheekyBub, the schedule never changed. Nausea was always at night. But currently with Season, there has been a switch from night to afternoon to morning. I don't mean to whine, and I am not complaining really. I am very lucky in the sense that Mr. Pile showed himself in his colours for less than two days, the heartburn lasted for only two days, and that gas-ball played its course for almost the same time.....it is n...

In continuation of the hilarious hemopaloozaesque symptoms I have, I had another first the past couple of days. I had this pain in my lower abdomen. It persisted, and I got told it is gas. I don't have flatulence as such, or beyond the norm, and jeez I did not know what to do. Lie on the left side, have this and that, and boy, that ball still rolled evil. I really wanted for the gas to either be passed or absorbed, but just go away, but the ball rolled around. Saturday went. Sunday morning, I woke up with the same darned ball ready for soccer in my down-below region. And the whole day, I felt the bugger in me not budging and making its presence felt as I sat down, walked around and lay on the bed. Monday afternoon it disappeared. I guess I will have to stop eating horse feed. (I did not have constipation at all.) (The hemorrhoid is not sore anymore, so thank you, God.)

Armed with my blood test and doppler reports, I met SuperGyn yesterday morning. Everything is okay. There is no change in the medication. On cards next is a Glucose Load Test that I need to get done next week and an anomaly scan during week 19-20. My BP was good at 120/60 and weight gain is within range, so everything is okay for now. I have a fetal heart monitor at home, so I listen to Season's heart whenever I want to and it is pretty relaxing. My placenta is still low-lying even though it seems to have shifted away from the OS. SuperGyn is hoping it will go further up (and that is what I hope too). Have you been to Reba's lately? I was very sad to learn of her miscarriage, and the fact that even though the bub was no more, her body had not realized it. This miscarriage has made her and her hubby face a very hard decision on what they want to do in their TTC pursuit further. If you can, I wish you will go and leave her some words of comfort. I can't quite express it, b...

The last time I was at SuperGyn's and I was pacing the small distance from her office to the ultrasound room, I (first heard) and then saw from the crack of an open door, a couple of women who were crying. I asked what happened. I was shushed and taken to the room, where I lay down for the ultrasound. After it was done, and my mom was busy talking to the tech, I asked this 'maid' about what was wrong. They had lost a baby. The woman came for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Today I went for a doppler scan in the afternoon (not at SuperGyn's) and was sitting in the waiting area with women of differing pregnant bellies. And there was one who looked like she was about to pop. I whispered about her to my mom and asked if this squirming neighbour was full-term. Mother guessed either that or she was expecting twins. Later I got called into the office, and witnessed this squirmer's mom being called in. The news was bad. One of the twins who had severe IUGR no l...

Just wanted to add to the line of thought in the previous post. I am feeling much better now. The phase passed away, and thankfully there was some mini family drama that was a great distraction. I was camping at my in-laws' place for the weekend, and things happened here at my mom's place. So now that I am back, there is just a whole different subject to converse and munch on. All I want is that when I am aged enough and acquire age-related illnesses, I still want to be able to retain the ability to walk around on my own and do my own things (if I get the choice really). But who knows, right? Back to where I was, my dead baby thoughts were centred around my fear that just like the previous pregnancy, things will start to go wrong at the last moment onwards. I am very aware that there were cord and placental issues, and seriously, there isn't much intervention possible at this point of time. I just want Season to be out before my womb of doom starts ticking like a time-bom...

I have been a bit messed up these past couple of days. For one, I am having dead baby thoughts, which does wonderful things to the mood, and second, these irrational poppies that have grown inside my brain are full-on joy too. More than the dead baby thing, it is the irrational poppies that are the bigger stinker really. I am glad my brother's wedding is in December and not tomorrow, because boy, I would not be able to handle it tomorrow. I can't elaborate on what it is that I am so worked up about because I am sure it will come out weirder or more frivolous than what it is to me. I am going to be missing CheekyBub big time. Can you believe it? I am worked up just by thinking of missing her at an event in December! December! And an event which is not for me!  And she won't be there whether I think of it or not, but that does not mean that I don't think it. And I realize how easy it is to peel off the normal cover and get blown off like this. I was the stimuli, I ...

Hey, I haven't slurped random on you lately, have I? So here it goes: Symptoms My nausea is still there (only lesser). And the nausea is now operating on a different time table. I now have the need to puke right after my lunch. That's a gigantic shift from the night time saga. But! I will just make the sounds and have a scary bit of food make a warning leap in my food pipe, but nothing actually comes out. I don't have the crazy skin and wonky hairfall like I had when I was expecting CheekyBub. My tummy popped out pretty fast, and I can see the difference in the shape already. I think that like the last time, the bump is high , but the shape is different. It's like I have swallowed a whole watermelon . I don't have specific cravings, though there is a definite sweet tooth . Updates Pebbles is here! Go congratulate Clare and Mr. T, if you haven't already. I can feel the beginnings of pelvic girdle pain. I have spoken of it in my last pregnancy as well, ...

Today morning, I woke up but went to sleep again. In that sleep, I visited CheekyBub's resting place - the funereal ground she took her last trip to * . I asked M, a driver we have to drive me to the place. Once in, I spoke to the caretaker and asked to be led to the place where they buried the children. I was glad no one was being cremated that day or else I would not have been allowed in. I was led to the piece of land. There were no records of what child had been put where. So I just looked at the expanse of that land and placed a bouquet to flowers ( I think there were red roses in it ), and touched the soil. I did not cry. I cried after I woke up. It's something I want to do. I want to go and see her last place. Someday, I will. * - I have never been there in real life.

Sunday: Do you include the names of dead children in formal invites or greeting cards? I was preparing the draft for my brother's wedding invite, and I added CheekyBub's name. Had she been alive, her name would have been on it without a doubt. Then when I came down to writing the names from our family, I paused. I don't know if it is okay. My deceased grandparents' name has appeared. I used the same logic to write CheekyBub's name. Its just a draft....it will go through so many hands and eyes before it is approved. I wonder how her name would be taken. Would they stumble and stop at the name? Monday: I am crazy about this little boy in the neighbourhood. He is called Z- and he is 3 years old. He is very naughty. So I kind of enjoy talking to him and being around him, except that I usually miss out on when he's out playing. Y'day he walked right in front of the door, and I came out of the house to speak to him. Me: Z-, where are you going? Z (still...