Being around 'It'

The last time I was at SuperGyn's and I was pacing the small distance from her office to the ultrasound room, I (first heard) and then saw from the crack of an open door, a couple of women who were crying. I asked what happened. I was shushed and taken to the room, where I lay down for the ultrasound. After it was done, and my mom was busy talking to the tech, I asked this 'maid' about what was wrong.

They had lost a baby. The woman came for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat.

Today I went for a doppler scan in the afternoon (not at SuperGyn's) and was sitting in the waiting area with women of differing pregnant bellies. And there was one who looked like she was about to pop.

I whispered about her to my mom and asked if this squirming neighbour was full-term. Mother guessed either that or she was expecting twins. Later I got called into the office, and witnessed this squirmer's mom being called in. The news was bad. One of the twins who had severe IUGR no longer had a heartbeat. The woman was barely pushing 34 weeks. The lady was advised to report to the Gyno immediately.

I went into the 'chamber' and as I was about to lie down, it struck me that I was occupying the same bed that this squirmer had used. On the screen her stats were still there. I had just taken the bed after a woman who had lost a baby.

I know that woman's name and I know that there will be one child for where there were two.

My mom walked in. My mother seemed aware that I 'knew' and had heard. I asked my mom about the dead baby. The non-doctor mom told me to only have positive thoughts - look at the other baby who was doing well. That I don't know what good may have happened.

And I asked - 'Do you use the same logic for CheekyBub?'

There was silence.

(Why would my mother shut my rational self with an explanation she herself doesn't believe? Not because she is unable to grasp my curiosity or such, but she just tries to shield and shield and shield. It is okay, mother. It is okay.)

There is still so much I can't process about babies dying. But I have seen two strikes already in the consequent appointments. I don't want to feel like a bringer of bad luck. But when someone else's baby dies, should I sigh with relief that it wasn't me (which hasn't happened so far) or just think that it is an odd coincidence that I am around this about every time recently?

My doppler went well. Baby is fine. In about three weeks I will be going back for an Anomaly Scan. Armed with the report of the doppler and the blood tests I underwent recently, I will be going to SuperGyn in a couple of days.

I have superwomaned through all the tests including the Quad Screen - low-risk for any defects and all. My hemoglobin is marginally lower than the standard, but all else is okay.