My Lady of the Lantern

..as normal is normal these days. I have an off today from work and so far I am just riding it out. In fact, as I am typing this I realized I left something on the stove that I have not stirred in the last 30 minutes... ... stir stir stir... There was a workshop these past three days, and I took care to stay comfortable. For afternoon sessions, I used to intentionally sit in the last few rows so that I could rest my legs on an adjoining chair. And oy, on Sunday (day 2 of the workshop), a colleague (*sniff sniff, yes*) asked me if ' my baby was a test tube baby or normal' . It was a little deja vu of what Mel had covered in a post not too long ago. Well, I just replied that I had conceived the baby naturally. Normal is an idiotic term to use really. I am sixteen weeks, two days today, and hopefully will meet Dr. BS tomorrow night. ^WiseGuy^

My cruddy self is out, so bear with me. I was feeling very licked after this last BFN. It should not be any different. After all, I have made it a habit to belt out BFN after BFN after BFN like clockwork. But then something happened. It is all in the mind, you see. I have been frolicking in a dark blue and green sea. It is shaded with lime and violet and red. It is pink and orange. It rises and heaves and grasps at everything. I am floating effortlessly. Wednesday night, I spoke to my mother....after a four day break (the break was not deliberate). I asked her to sing out the whole conversation she had with Dr. Bigshot. It is since that call that I am floating in the sea. I am not swimming, and I am not drowning. You see, the doctor wants to meet once before he can chart out some course of action. Any such hint would have me irate, but I don't know what broke in me, and I just was tempted to try it out. My stuckheadedness did not knuckle in at all. BabySmiling had asked how far wo...

A particular doctor in my current city is on a publicity trail, with photos published of women in her clinic who reported pregnancies through IVF in her clinic. Now, this is a big deal because remember, that I live in a city, where I trust docs only uptil IUIs, and I need to travel to another city for anything above that. I was happy, that such (professional) practice had begun in this city. I had forgone a chance in September 2009 to undergo IVF in this city , at the same doctor's. What I was a little ticked about was that photographs of the women who had conceived through IVF were published, and I think that this compromises their privacy. Nobody publishes photographs saying: " Hey, this woman had crazy s#x and is now knocked up .", but it was a matter of curiosity and novelty to point out women upfront who chose another not-so-hot way of conception. Maybe I latched onto that transgression because I am slightly more sensitive than a common person about what phenomenon t...

Just a quick listing of everything I am swallowing this cycle and beyond. a. Syrup Gynova (and Tab Spermon for DH) b. Siphene 100 mg c. Folic Acid 5 mg (currently taking Folsafe) d. Zocon- AS KIT (Fluconazole, Azithromycin and Secnidazole Tablets) e. Diamet SR-500 (Metformin Hydrochloride 500 mg) f. Ecosprin 75 mg (divided into half…taken everyday, Acetylsalicyclic Acid) g. Duphaston (Dydrogesterone 10 mg) I have to continue Gynova, Diamet and ASA for three months. There are two combikits of Zocon, and me and hubby are expected to synchronize the once a day, three-doses medicine such that both me and him have the same M&Ms on the same day. I have a major problem with Ecosprin, especially about taking just half everyday, and so I am replacing it with some ASA (left over from my IVF days), and I have asked for even more ASA (which has to be swallowed whole and not in parts). Saves me the guaranteed bitterness. Also, even though my periods were expected to end on Thursday, they persis...

Well, doc eased the wand into the-land-that-is-fallow. I was almost also thinking that maybe she would ask me to chuck the blood test report and say that she could really see a sac inside and that was the reason why my periods had not come. She swung left, and she swung right. Caught on to zones and froze them eternal. But all she muttered: Nopes. No pregnancy. Ah okay, I knew that was the case, but anyways would not have hurt to be blindsided by a miracle. Overall her impression from the TVS was: ** Anteverted Uterus – That is the best part. The first time I have not heard retroversion/partial retroversion with respect to my U. ** Endometrial Echo Central Thickened; Hyper-echoic ** Both ovaries prominent and few tiny follicles – Woohoo! The cyst has not come back! ** POD is clear Summation: Non-gravid uterus (Secretory Phase) I have been given a ten-day course of Duphaston (10 mg) and Pregnistar (Levothyroxine, Pyridoxine Hydrocholoride and Nicotinamide). That should be bringing some ...

Well there had been a meeting in the office on Saturday evening and the Director asked us to submit choices for assignments in the next calendar year by Tuesday. The deal is that we may not get exactly everything of our liking, but allocations are made looking at preferences. If you remember this November post , my extended stay in City I then had caused me to surrender a plum assignment. Well, this time I was openly asked whether I would want to do it this year, and I turned down the offer outright. There is so much commitment (time, efforts and strategizing) involved that if I am planning an IVF/ICSI cycle again, there would be an ill-available me at some key points. Anyways, I spoke to my Director yesterday, (in private, behind closed doors) and I let him know that I am likely to take a month off. (My problem is that I need to travel overnight to a totally different city to meet my RE and there are no appropriate experts available here in G ). For IUI or just timed cycles, medical ...

Alrighty then...let's start with the serious business first. If you have been down the IVF route there are two questions posed by One_Hit-Wonder . If you can give her some helpful answers, that would be nice. Secondly, I read this on The Steadfast Warrior 's blog and gave it a shot myself. As per the urbandictionary.com, my name means: **A ______ is a rarely observed creature or kind. **One who is dramatic, extremely excitable. A Foodie, a clown, a sea urchin lover, a ball grabber,a poet. **_____s usually look funny upside down. Because they wear nothing. And get angry if other girls' hem lines outdo theirs. Now you know why I was blushing. ^WiseGuy^

Time: Today Morning, when we were pseudo-ready to jump out of bed. Situation: A financial review of 2008 (not exactly a dream year in a lot of respects) DH: Mmm… and the price of that land is down x percent, and the real estate rates on that house have slipped y percent….and z month’s salary has been invested into the share market, so I can’t make a deposit out of it and can’t touch it for p years…. BTW, would you be doing IVF w/ICSI again this year ? Me: ( Mentally- Damn right, I will ). Of Course. But we are not to do anything till March, you know! DH: Last time it cost us $$$$$, and still there is no guarantee that it will work out this time. Me: ( Mentally – Yeah, but what if it does? ) There is no guarantee, but I am doing it. Momentary Silence… DH: There will be no savings this year. The last statement is too severe. But I did not want to cut in and spoil DH’s sense of financial calculation superiority complex . Frankly, I know that IF treatments are pinching us financially...

Was browsing through the newspaper today morning and they had an article on the babies born after 12 o'clock on New Year's eve. Wow! I can't really describe to you how there was photo after photo of chuggly-wuggly pink cheeked cuties! (Nine in all) The newspaper reported that the city had registered 205 births on the first two days of 2009! Some statistics that is not anything to me at all. Anyways...I was only observing the faces and what has registered to me now, is that I did not feel upset or angry or lacking. I only saw the pics, relished the radiance flowing from them and that is all. Buddhaesque? I think I must become more disciplined with my Vipassana sittings, which I have lost the inner urge for. My past experiences have taught me to expect breakthroughs only after reaching the ultimate limits of frustration. When I went for IVF last year, I believed that I had reached that limit and so, some positive outcomes would come my way as had happened in the past. But now...

Was checking up on Barren Advice given out by Melissa to Amy , the past week. Amy felt at a complete loss over talking to somebody whose IVF cycle had turned out a bummer and Mel felt that talking out was a better form of support rather than silence. I liked what she recommended - what with the ice-cream and works. But frankly, in real life, I would have preferred silence. Much of my fertility woes are an open book for my female colleagues, especially at the place I am working for the past 20 months or so. And it is difficult indeed to survive like this at a place where I seem to be the only one who is reproductively challenged. I do not have a disease. Only that I need to take timed efforts to do what they have glided through easily, sometimes more than once, and each time successfully. So, it is very tough to really understand. I have never had rude responses. But I can easily detect the 'pity' in their voices. For the past few months, I have stopped discussing my cycle cha...

My doc SMSed me today with the ICSI and IVF results. Breaking News : Out of the 13 oocytes, 9 have been fertilized - 8 through ICSI and 1 through IVF Doc is satisfied with the results. Tomorrow at around 1500 Hrs, the ET will take place and the proposed plan is that 3 will be transferred. The rest will be frozen. Wow and Double Wow! I have been started with Progesterone(200 mg) from today. Wish me luck! I may not be able to blog tomorrow or even day after tomorrow but I hope that you will send your blessings my way because I am really hoping for all the good luck I could garner from the cosmos! ^WiseGuy^

I had a Lupride prick on my sleepy ass today morning. (What else can come from me at 7 a.m. in the morning?). Needless to say, I felt no pain at all - was too zonged to even remember the lady who gave me the prick. I guess, with the next few days having the same schedule, I will check out her face, to say the least. Went to the hospital in the forenoon, with due consideration of the six hour gap, and had a sonography. My sonologist mouthed this word - PERFECT. Isn't that great? My E2 levels are also as expected. I continued with my Foligraf and Ovugraf injection. Essentially, doctors are thinking of Monday or Tuesday as the possible days for egg retrieval. I am not taking any mental load. I am not calculating cycle days and that is quite a relief. I have left it on my doctors and I am dealing with the IVF protocol, one day at a time. ^WiseGuy^

So, let’s have a update quickie! I came to City I past Sunday and was putting up at my in-laws’ place. Had a good family reunion for Diwali. Now, I have shifted to my mother’s place (reminder: mom is my background doc) and am more relaxed. But I am in a dilemma right now. You see, I have my IVF in November and so, I was expected to be in City I around 3rd November for half-dozen daily injections. Originally the plan was to have the first shot here in City I and then travel back to City G to settle office chores and apply for a longer leave. I would have carried my injections with me and would have again returned back for last shot, so that immediate monitoring could begin. Now I am being advised that rather than leaving on 3rd only to return on 7th, I must not go back at all. It is a tempting prospect. After all, I am already about to take a 20 day break from office minus-pay, so what are 4-5 days more? But, I am concerned about the things that require my attention in office and what ...

So, I had my second Lupride Depot injection yesterday and now I am on my final lap of the race towards IVF #1. I am still not very thorough about the protocol and am simply aware that in a few days from now, I will be taking daily injections for six days and then the harvest will begin. I know that only when I have atleast one run, I will become good at knowing about it, but I hope that I never need another IVF. ^WiseGuy^

Ah, DH was planning a Singapore trip for both of us in early December this year. I would have travelled back after the vacation and he would have stayed on for a couple of days, for business reasons. I should have been jumping with joy (after all, this trip was one of the reasons why my passport was rushed), but I am not. Want to know why? Coz, I may be pregnant then. And if I were to be preggie, it would automatically come into the category of a high-risk pregnancy. Of course, there is no guarantee that I will be preggie in December but my IVF is planned for November. So, What if ?

I came back from my City X trip today morning itself. I spent the past two days at the above-indicated place. A detailed history of my fertility woes was noted and a new file with a new doc was created. ~~~~~@~~~~~ The centre is run by a husband and wife duo DJ and SJ, and both of them are doctors of repute. In fact DJ knew me as a kid, but we lost regular contact while I was in my Wonder Years. I had a lot of frank discussion with DJ and I posed him the same question, I have been posing a lot of my doctors….why do so many other people who have so many known root causes for infertility, so lucky in procreating (like my past-druggie cousin, and a schoolmate who was a Pan Parag fan). This guy was the only one who had a funny answer to that. He quipped, “ Does every hardworking guy get a promotion ?” Ah, thanks! Pretty soothing, you know! I have to admit, this was the only time I was smiling at the response. ~~~~~@~~~~~ DJ began his sermon with the line – It takes only one sp...