My Lady of the Lantern

This ICLW did not have me on a great start. If you have followed my tweets you would know, that unlike the previous times, I did not have day-close tally tweets...a seamless tweet stream happened. As you would see from the random tweets down below, the first day only had me down with a limited number of blogs. ICLW Wicket Tally - 1 - 5 [ -2,-3] 7:56 PM Jul 21st from web ICLW Wicket Tally - 12 - 15 [ -2,-3] 8:22 PM Jul 22nd from web ICLW Wicket Tally - 31 - 32 [ -2,-3] 8:38 PM Jul 23rd from web ICLW Wicket Tally - 49 - 50 [ -2,-3] 8:28 PM Jul 24th from web ICLW Wicket Tally - 64 - 71 [ -2,-3] 7:45 PM Jul 25th from web ICLW Wicket Tally - 79 - 85 [ -2,-3] 3:48 PM Jul 26th from web ICLW Wicket Tally - 105 - 111 [ -2,-3] 5:50 PM Jul 26th from web ICLW Wicket Tally - 136 - 137 [ -2] 7:06 PM Jul 27th from web The very first day that I went into ICLW, I was almost sure that I would not be able to make the last blog in time. And I am glad that I was able to finish it. I think the Sunday having...

I can't believe This could be the end The anatomy of grief is surprisingly foxy…the expression good grief , is a really funny one. Don't speak I know just what you're saying So please stop explaining Don't tell me cause it hurts Well, what can be told to somebody who has been standing in these trenches for so long? Nothing. I am expected to know. I was expected to know. But the wide-eyed gawky teenager in me refuses to sit down. Underneath these eyes, are the eyes of this teenager, and I expect the eyes of all my other personalities to be lurking around at the same place. If I had been making a fantasy movie…I would have shot myself standing barefoot at a cliff, overlooking a giant sea, with the moon over my head. The hands raised and facing the sky would have held a giant slithery sperm by its tail in one, and a ball-of-iron ovum in the other. Our memories Well, they can be inviting But some are altogether Mighty frightening Why is Aaafra Faafra playing with me? Be...

Today morning's POAS said it. I did not completely believe it. My mind repeated it, but I drew it back and said that it was not sure. Not now. I was a wounded horse already. But I thought I could drag myself, and if I dashed hard enough, maybe the finish line was closer than visible. I thought of playing a cruel joke on my mother (and some intuition tells me that she would call today, and I will still pull the joke). I called at 1630 Hrs. He said that the report would come after 1700 Hrs. I kept the receiver, and decided to go home. I came home. I was not hungry. I was anxious. I still made celebratory/depression-companion instant noodles and left them to cool down a bit. Finally did pick up the reciever and made the call. He shuffled sheets. He said that the report had come. He pronounced my name wrong. I corrected him. And then he spoke to somebody in the background. I heard the news from the guy at the back - a little voice that said He heard that and I knew he was still holdin...

Hoping. Nodding. Writhing. Wishing. Dreaming. Ignoring. Holding. Trying. Rooting. Checking. Wanting. Gasping. Swimming. Baiting. Negating. Fidgeting. Sucking. Breathing. Wanting. Guarding. Please Please Please. ^WiseGuy^ Image Courtesy:http://www.insidesocal.com/prepsports/09%20nail-biter.jpg

Yesterday entailed a short journey to a place where some institutional activity was up, and I was expected for a 3 hour stint. As I made my way to the target, I suddenly became aware of the awful condition of the road….I was making my way into a corner of the city I did not do a regular beat on. The rains and apathy had done the needful….I was aware of the roughness, the jolts, and such, and very worried. Of course, it was not my vehicle that was the cause of the scare, it was a possibility . I have been given a sweet word in the comments to the last word – patience. I have never been able to associate that with myself. This whole self-imposed waiting-for-Tuesday is a simple defense mechanism in place to save me from the dark clouds of the sheer depression of never having had any whoopee beta results…never have I seen one good report for myself, and when I went for a beta to fox Ms. AF (by not POASing first), it did not do me good either. Nothing will stun me more than a beta that is c...

...go for a blood draw? Actually, I am staking it out till the next Tuesday. I have been late before. The longest I have held out is 5 days, 8 days and 15 days. The 15 days waiting happened once, in January 2005. At that point of time, I still had not associated sub-fertility with me and I was newly TTC. I have already crossed the 5 day and the 8 day barrier and hopefully by next Tuesday either Aafra Faafra would be here, or I would have POASed again, and also scheduled a blood draw to happen. As of now, I still do not have any symptoms that signal AF's arrival. I did feel a this-is-it moment on Monday, but it was just a temporary scare. Thank You Sharonvw and theclam . Your comments have given me hope to cling on to. And thanks to everyone who have sent good wishes my way. ^WiseGuy^

A – Adenium ; my favourites! Have two; named Giccha Piccha (entered my life 2008), and Morris (entered my life 2009). B – Bombay ; experiences there were one of the best of my life; it has a different spelling now, but for me it would be that! C – Chiffons and Chocolates …I love the feel of chiffon and my love of chocolates is endless. D – Digital Camera ; is what I do not have as of now. E – Efforts ; are what we can invest. F – Funny ; I have been called that. G – Gossip ; do like to keep a tab on it. H – Home ; is where one can be most cosy. I – If ; is a word that makes a lot of sense. J – Jinx ; I seem to have recently developed a mental block on hectic shopping during my 2ww, and there is one outlet I particularly never go to when I am AF-baiting. Stupid, eh? K – Kiss ; I hate kissing. L – Lemons ; when I was a small girl I used to peel off the skin (the whole rind ) from lemons and eat them whole. Luckily, I grew up. M – Mother ; love her or hate her, you can’t escape her. N – N...

If a HPT can't capture any traces of HCG at 21 dpo, I guess I am really looking for the sky to part and heaven to fall through. No way! Guess the verdict is set in stone now. I am NOT pregnant. I had a little hope jutting out of a dry root, having not had a run-in with Aafra Faafra yet. I guess I have to start humming 'Have a Happy Period' soon. Something's got to give! I bought two HPTS last evening and decided to test on Tuesday morning. Falling asleep was not tough, but sometime in the wee hours, I was awake, totally thinking of the HPT, wanting to urgently pee. I twisted and turned. Once I woke up, I walked up to the refrigerator, got scissors and opened the packet, turned on the light in the bathroom and settled down to relieve myself. I dropped two drops in the well, and saw the panel with as much focus as my roused-from-sleep eyes could muster. T line remained as white as it was manufactured. C was rattled and turned bright red in anger. My heart sunk. I peered...

Am still reeling under the super predictions. Frankly, a willing heart is bound to be very receptive of any information it is dying to have. And that makes it so scary. Even though I did not blind-swallow it, it is obvious why somebody would turn up the craving and ritualistic investment at the mere hint. But I know that it has a time, and I can’t hurry up and wait anymore. The pillow rests under my head, and I did not light the diya (lamp) on Wednesday (as the pundit had recommended), and the latter transgression is making me feel guilty. In fact, I did not forget to light the diya, I took a very conscious decision to not light the diya. Which now makes me wonder why I did not do so, just because I wanted to rebel or because I did not believe it would have any effect. Whatever it is, I think it is time for God to really stop teasing me. Anyways, Aafra Faafra has still not come. I would decide about a pee-do again, not before Tuesday (in case AF has still not arrived). I believe that m...

***anomalous, unscientific post*** Mother was here with me for about a week. During this time, she went to meet some holy man through a relative. My irritation knew no bounds because I did not need a prophet to know for what reason she had gone to him. Anyways, she came back and told me that she would ‘reveal’ only after nine days. Needless to add, I had forgotten all about the impending revelation. Yesterday evening, mother dear phoned up…and it is then that she told me that nine days were now up. (Up for what? I wondered.)..and she said that I need to be aware of what the holy man had to say. Please hold your hearts tight. a. I am going to have a boy. I have zero issues in having a girl too…but when would I have the baby? b. The baby is on its way and would come to me soon. So it’s like the baby has been couriered already, I guess? c. The baby’s name should be kept xxxxxx. Excuse moi? The right of naming my kid has hereby been withdrawn from me? d. Do not wipe your mouth with your c...

I wait. Aafra Faafra should have been here yesterday, but she is not even beating the front door yet! When it arrives, I would make faces, but would also know that it would be over eventually. Waiting for it, knowing she would arrive is an irritant. It stays on the top of the mind...classes, presentations, meetings, conversations, advice, suggestions, sleeping, eating, driving, bending, getting up...the loyal thought is everywhere . And dear God...please never ever make me barf in my 2ww. It is plain unfair. ^WiseGuy^

Yesterday evening, there came a time when my entire being was focussed (nay concentrated) on some uterine core that was leading to the vayjayjay ….so much so, that I was checking at whenever-possible intervals if there was bleeding already or not? I was flipped over the prospect of Sunday morning POAS. That brief while of obsession was overtaken by a bigger scare at hand – a viva on Monday, and since I had been unable to arrange a meeting with my research guide on Thursday and Friday, it had become uber-urgent to meet him on Saturday…so his pursuit made me stop thinking of the impending POAS. Somewhere within that time, I was thinking of what-if it did come out positive , what would happen after that...and how would I break the news. Also, I had already thought about whether I would run a common disclaimer about all posts on pregnancy or would individually add the note to all my posts. I was wondering how much I would love Geometry if I got to see two parallel lines, given the fact tha...

The results are in...and what is evident is that it is not Jaundice...which is quite a relief....one report is yet to come, and if some kind of infection has been causing those wonky symptoms...well, that would become clear from the pending report. A detailed number scroll of my blood test results is on my other blog . Wait and Watch! ^WiseGuy^

LOLOL! If that is what you thought of, you really have to recycle bin your brain. Jaundice Update: I AM going for a Serum Bilirubin, and SGOT and SGPT testing today evening...will comment on the results when they are back. Meanwhile it makes me smile to think that Jaundice and Pregnancy can have common symptoms - barfing, irritability, specific-food love.... ^WiseGuy^

It started with my mother looking at me last night and commenting: ‘ Why do you look so yellow? ’…that verbal stir quite permanently disturbed my composure…. I was all set to give my holy fluid to a path lab today for confirming what the discussion was indicating – Jaundice …. Anyways, last night it was settled that she would observe me today morning, in the sunlight and make further judgement about whether I really looked like it. But the word Jaundice clung onto my psyche. Can you believe that one of the questions I asked her was whether I could have Jaundice and also be preggers at the same time? Then came sleep time…my favourite time. Well, hubby dear had already been on the bed for about 30 minutes when I trudged into the room…I took a bath and crashed onto my bed….with Jaundice Jaundice Jaundice running like a one word record in my brain. I went off to sleep. And I dreamt, I was pregnant and jaundiced . And I had a big belly and Jaundice …and my baby was fine, but I had Jaundi...

Infertility is a journey where one cannot claim the universality of ‘As you sow, so shall you reap’ . This is the first cycle since January when I am proactively in the race. Prior to this, I was only worked about the impending arrival of AF, and how many days late or early it is/ was/ could be. We had sex. We did not have sex. And I cared two hoots about when that happened in the previous cycles. And even though I did not harp on CD this and CD that for the current cycle, everything was virtually chalked out. [That's my beautiful chart...Click for a larger view of my intimate life.] So, as of now I am in the 2ww (what a joke!). We have timed our lovemaking to specifically coincide with my fertile period. Let’s see how the natural IUI works out *smiling * . I plan to do this again for at least one more cycle and then just go for an ovulation study (yippee dildo cams). Since I have had one of the ovaries exhibit a single cyst before, and I have not had an ultrasound in months ( ...

Hey Champ, How are you? Hope you are all cozy - what with Pomengranate tress of rubies and Mango trees of emeralds for lush greenery, and a sea of nectar for beverage. Life is cushy? Err...yeah, I am a little tipsy today, all drunk up on your sweet grace. I did dial your number and I was informed that you would be responding very soon. Actually, you lost it champ. By the time your customer care contacted the troubled party for grievance handling, the machine was broken beyond repair. I have no idea what I am writing. I want to write soul wringers, but this is the best I can manage, and you do not deserve any thing more at this point right now. Maybe you could use it for a fiscal year summation of goodwill. And anyways, if you are still suffering from a hangover from all that nectar and have no clue whatsoever, here's where the angst emanates from . Thanking You, Yours Sincerely, ^WiseGuy^

So, this is a continuation of this post . Questions that I posed there became a part of another stellar TT post by BabySmiling . And I totally am in awe of how well she articulates her opinion. Before I begin saying what came out for me through your comments, I would like to replicate a part of my comment that I left on BabySmiling's post....so that there is no confusion about what I expected from the reciprocity. Quoting from BabySmiling's: "Wiseguy talked about the frustration that can come from commenting regularly on someone’s blog yet never hearing back from them via comment or email. After a while, she gives up and stops reading, as do ...." Quoting from my response on her blog: "Bless my sweet heart. Nopes, I haven’t stopped reading at all (my last stop on hers was yesterday), but yes, now I no longer leave comments (that’s my devil side)." And if you have no idea about what the post is about, then you should really perhaps go back here and read it in...

This week I am sharing some photos of the exterior of a temple I visited on a really hot Sunday afternoon. Afternoon meant that the doors to the inner chambers were locked for God to finish his daily siesta. So I had to satisfy myself with the mundane things outside. Am beginning with a selection of paintings done on the walls...very graphic! Now what you see here is what was used in the old days as a giant lamp stand....each of those spouts would carry an oil-lamp in the night. I am not sure if it was lit like that on all nights, but atleast for festivals, the pillar would get decked up. There are two such pillars to the main entrance of the temple. A side profile of the temple....Spectacular! Mr. Sun caught me taking a pic of the front side. I love this typical architecture, somthing not seen now in the 'modern' buildings here. The rest of the Show and Tellers congregate here ! ^WiseGuy^