My Lady of the Lantern

...in the head. Birdman is on a train returning back to UsualCity from an office-related thing. The thing is I have morbid thoughts. Ever since I came back home from the hospital, the little-big discovery and everything else that rippled, I keep thinking of him to be alright. What if something happens to him? I want him to be there. I don't know but I think when I put it in black and white, it appears harsher than it should. I want him to be okay. Lola is gone. What if he goes away too? Crazy thought, right? But it's all there in my mind. I am relishing the solitude, and whatever bits of it are coming my way right now. I am not working yet, and Birdman comes home usually for dinner and sometimes in between and that gives me alone time - something I have not had for a long long time. I found myself crying this morning. I had a reflux of some condolence offered to me ( would like to talk about it at some other time ), and it pinched bloody hard. Among Birdman's peer group of...

As a teenager I once solved a maths problem in my dream. I had been working on it a little before dinner time. After I slept, my mind kept working on the problem and I figured out the solution in my dream. I woke up next day and tried what I saw in the dream and voila, the solution held true! That means I truly had the trapping of a great mad mathematician, barring that I managed to fail every Maths test except for the finals and that was the only one time I solved a maths problem in my sleep. Plus, dreaming about numbers was really not my best thought for a dream. Anyways, Monday night I woke up mid-sleep to relieve myself. After that, I had a tiny problem in regaining the sound sleep I was enjoying prior to leaving my bed. And in that half-sleep, half-awake state, there were delicious visions of the baby I was having. I realized that these were the few nights where I shared the bedroom alone with Birdman. I plan to have Kaiser sleep with us (in the same room, though not in the same b...

Hey Kaiser, How are you? Well, I am sure you are doing okay. And I am hoping to catch a glimpse of you again very soon. I am sure my uterus feels like a cage right now...and you need to go 'Bang Bang Bang'. I want to say 'OMG, I felt it! ' all the time. I am fixed on where I would like to give birth, and why I stay obsessed with it is because I want to let my and your life be easy. I am sure wailing will be your only mode of complaint initially, and I pray you do not do it much. I can't believe that Jan/Feb is inching so close every day. I have a hundred things to do before I proceed for my maternity leave. I often lie at night hoping to feel you kick just before I go back to sleep. Sometimes I can feel you, sometimes I can't. But I always feel better when I do. As I have told you before, between your father and me, you are Baku to us. And Papa wants to feel 'Baku'. Anyways, poor fellow once told me 'I can feel the baby breathing' , and then real...

I have too much to write and not enough time, so rather than posting separately and giving due honours to my ideas, I will just make a has-all kind of a post. I - Flashback We have a thing...mothers who drop something on their dress while eating sometimes quip that probably their kid is hungry. Before I say it, let's just say that I am not really Bella Swan in the eating department. But cleanliness? Yep, maybe. In August 2008, I was sharing some snack with a colleague and kind of dropped some tidbit on my dress. The fabric had a tidy splotch of oil from the drop. I quipped spontaneously, " Oh my child must be hungry ." My colleague rolled her eyes. She knew my stellar status. She asked, "Are you expecting?" I said ' No ' and laughed it off. Last Thursday, I and Birdman were enjoying ice-cream after our dinner, and I managed to have some chocolate drip onto my nightgown. I started smiling. I told him, " Oh Kaiser must be hungry ." I am so relie...

So this post captures a recent interaction/ the series of things connected to Birdman, me and my pregnancy. Before anything, I hope you don't have any husband - bashing genes out, and I totally hope you haven't had a World War scale skirmish with your beloved. The Feather Scene 1: Birdman: How do you feel? ( reference: pregnancy ) Me: Excited. How about you? Birdman: A little scared. I assumed he was scared because we still had a long way to go and all, so thinking that I asked for a little clarity. Birdman: Because you won't care much about me after the baby is born. And it struck me. I have been ruminating on that statement. * This was the first time that Birdman asked me on how I felt. He also planted a kiss on my belly. The first for that too. * We have been 'just us' for too long. Me and him, him and me. There was nobody to share the middle space ever between us. We are probably used to being 'just us' . The baby would change so many things. * Because n...

Dear Baby Kaiser, The ticker tells me that I am 9wk0d today. I would be hopefully seeing Dr. BS tomorrow so that I can see you once again. I think the bump is starting to appear. You know your momma is not flat-tummied anyways, so she can't really make out if it is your presence or just her old bloated belly showing through right now. I tend to sleep lot lesser in the afternoon, but I make sure that I do lie down for about 10-15 minutes after I come back home from the office. Hope you appreciate that. :-) Your Dadi called me the past week to ask me how you were doing...and how well I was coping. Was so glad to tell her, "All is well". I started having almonds from July 7 (Wednesday). I had soaked four on Tuesday night. Your dad cleaned his hands on two. Yep! Anyways, next day onwards, I started soaking more because you know...bleh! With the way my food cravings have shifted gear, I am yet to decide what you really like. Or anything that I want to eat in particular now get...

Ha Ha Ha! You better go off all those things you are feeding yourself and your spouse, because it is all in your stupid mind. All those vain shots of hope? Gah! You just have to kick it out of your brain, and wham it will happen. After all the best attempts are made by people who have sex but do not want to get pregnant. History is replete with success rates there...and here we are thinking sex with progeny pasted on our faces. Climbing down the Preacher Pole... ^Deep Breath^ I was on a treatment break, not a TTC break. I was on a treatment break for several reasons: a) Having had my fill of medicated cycles. b) Having sub-optimal access to ART in my current abode. c) Energy sucked into a thesis (Nopes, Am not done with it yet/ Please Whip me to go faster, would you?) But I was noting my cycles, making an ovulation calendar, and intentionally having 'fun' on/around the dates. I was not relaxed. Whisper ads were rubbing on to me...In fact, I was too set to have my AF arrive in J...

Kaiser! Yeps, finally did get to see my doc last night. Baby was measuring 6 weeks,1 day...and I am just too glad about it. So here's the rehashing...my life would change every Tuesday Sunday, as I make it from week to week into this pregnancy. Birdman was there. We got a pic of the ultrasound and he asked me about the contents of the picture....he was walked through the uterus, the sac and precious being developing inside. So we have this one perfect baby going super strong...and I pray to meet the little one in February 2011, safe and healthy in my arms. That would be so good really. ---- Rant ahead... Yeah, I told you about Dr. M right? The assistant to Dr. BS? Well everybody has to go through Dr. M, and then only Dr. BS would see the patient. Last night I was very hopeful of getting that ultrasound from Dr. BS, and was not very happy when I was made to sit in front of Dr. M. Two things really snap-cracked me : a) She told me, 'Let's see you .' I froze, because if I...

I was stretched on the bed, and Birdman was moving around the house, doing his usual morning stuff. He came back to ask me: "Hmmm...would the baby be like you or like me?" I did not need to really respond coz he answered himself - 'Surely like me!!! '. Please remember that I am not even 5 weeks yet... ^WiseGuy^

A tingling sensation coursed my veins when I typed the title of the post...how does it feel to actually say it, to type it, to think it, to be it? Anyways, I have my list of good blood tests coming up. I have taken half day leave for Friday, and a full day off for Saturday, and I will do the needful then. I would be ready with the reports when I get to my next appointment with Dr. BS. I had some heavy invigilation duty imminent on Sunday, and the only way I could duck it would be the Saturday off. I want to duck it. I have done my share of those in the past, and would not want to indulge in it right now. I can probably get excused by revealing, but I don't want to reveal yet. And oh, a colleagueriend(colleague+friend) knows. I told her. I would not feel very bottled up now, and she is 'leak-safe'. My life would turn a page every Tuesday, and I hope hope hope to be all good to read through each of it. -- Birdman came home today morning. I had put in two paper slips, one over...

I think I am gaining weight. Hot Damn! Coz I do not need any more grams on me as it is. I suspect it is the supplements, which are turning me into a bonnie, bouncing lass. My diet has actually reduced ( 105 degrees Fahrenheit is a little cold, really ) and yet I seem to be 'swelling'. DH believes the supplements make him cranky. He has not stopped them. It is just that he randomly made a few tablets get lucky, by being prioritized. DH is scheduling consumption of a few of them such that he does not take all of them in a single day. Wow! I wonder if God will forgive us for skipping on the hoo that we need to take with all the food and the clean water and the fresh air, and that he will forgive us enough to kick in anyways and have me strapping knocked up sometime soon. ^WiseGuy^ P.S. If I looked as good as the woman in the image, I would be in the movies for sure. Image Courtesy: http://www.i-heart-god.com/images/Man_Woman_Sketch.jpg (no claim by me made on ownership of the pic...

Do you remember this thyroid friend of mine? Sunday evening she called me to let me know that she is 7 weeks pregnant!!! What I find very humbling is that I know the news even though it has not been revealed yet to her parents and in-laws. Her betas are not doubling like they should ( as per her doctor ), and she has been asked to come back on Wednesday ( which is tomorrow ), for an ultrasound. All the very best to her!!! ******************************** I finally nagged enough to get DH to his breaking point. I did a repeat of 'What if we do not have kids? ' sooner than my usual frequency , and sent him in an emotional spiral. He begged to be never asked that question again. Ever. I do not understand ever. ******************************** Has your IF research/doctor spoken of Oxidative Stress/ Gamete Optimization? What has he/she/article led you to think? Embryo fragmentation occurs dues to oxidative stress (???). ^WiseGuy^

It was my niece's second birthday on March 29, and we took a trip down to be with the birthday girl. The party was on the terrace and we were busy decorating the area. Sometime in the commotion, only three people remained on venue: me, DH and my niece who was at-it (a balloon had burst, and she had been upset). You see, there is a staple question I bombard my hubby with at random moments, and watching her, I put it forward again: 'What if we do not have kids?' 'We will always have her.' ( finger-pointing at a running kid ) 'No, but what if we never have kids?' 'I already have a kid.' 'What? Who?' 'It's you .' I started laughing. Hard. The moment had passed. Husband dear had survived the question yet again. (And with a great comeback, I must say!). I love my niece very much. It is just that when she was about to have her first birthday, it reminded me deeply of how I should have been pregnant. Now as the years are simply fusing, a...

I think I missed writing about this, but a few days back I wrote a 'difficult' mail to my mother. I put across eight questions, and most of them were about my IF struggle. I composed the mail, and I let it sit in the drafts for about two days before I actually pressed 'Send Mail'. I did get a reply. And I know that she tried to answer the questions the best she could. I am NOT convinced on some of the answers. But I was also mildly taken aback by her honest admissions on some of the questions. I do not want to make life difficult for people around me. But I am not at peace. I am struggling. I am struggling with myself, in my relationships, and I no longer look at God with the rose-tinted glasses anymore. I do not want things to be heaped on me. Before I figure out whether I would like to do W, I am burdened with the uh-latest X, Y and Z. And I am lost again. Anyways, I am now delving into finding out more about Pranayam. I do exercise. And as miserable as this may soun...

DH managed to be late from work last night. Really late...as in midnight late. By the time he hit the bed, both of us were too squished for any action. I mumbled about the necessity of doing it and I think I went off to sleep mid-sentence. However, we kind of made up this morning. My mother was dressing up to leave in the morning, and we were constantly aware of the movement happening in the house. Something about the whole deal amused DH no end, and he was reminded of a movie - American Pie, with regards to it. I have not seen the movie, so can't really comment on it. ----Cut to about 1 hour hence---- My mother was making her parting comments, and she enquired about how long my DH would be having to bear such long hours (because it is so stressful). And she pointed out that I had been waiting for him specially last night. DH ended up telling her that he had not been aware that it was so important to do it last night. Ha Ha Ha! I turned red completely, and hissed that Mummy did NO...

I opened my refrigerator to find my stock of the pee-sticks at zero. On 26th, I will buy myself the customary devils, coz I have resolved to test every cycle , no matter how vague my chances are. ************************************ This past week has witnessed me packing like crazy. Neighbours from the previous building popped up at random, enquiring my need to move during those two days of packing/shifting. One of the ladies was asking me about what other homes we had seen through for possible renting. I told her how we were stuck on finding a flat to live in rather than an independent house/bungalow for safety reasons (as DH tends to stay away from the city at sporadic intervals). She nodded in complete agreement at the DH-away angle. “And you don’t even have children, or that would have kept you occupied a bit.” She also wanted to know why we decided to move into a three bedroom apartment. Because I may reproduce. “Oh no other flat was empty, and this location is quite nice.” ( whi...

DH is returning home tonight, his visit cut short by two days. I am thinking this is good... CD15 for a 33-day cycler is not a bad time to have a little action...and since CM has not spiked yet, I think he is coming in good time. There may be a really faint flicker of hope for December yet. But Dear January, nothing will stand between me and my Clomid. ^WiseGuy^

Scene 1: Thursday Night Hello? Yes, what is your weight? What? Why? Oh, I was at ABC’s. I was writing down your history. What is your weight? Duh…PQ kgs. Ok! Bye! --Click-- Scene 2: Friday Morning …some topic… …some topic… You were sounding too rude last evening. And hey, BTW, when did you check your weight? I don’t really remember exactly when actually. Then how come you know it is PQ kgs? I don’t. I was approximating. The first scene starred yours truly and Mummy. The second scene starred yours truly and Prince Charming. I feel bad for my mother sometimes. She is cracking her head completely fretting over her daughter’s trouble. But I also not want to feel like being discussed with everybody in her allied community. I know the colleague she had been meeting up was also into IF busting arena, but still. I did not want to sound rude, but the realization hit me spontaneously, and my irritation crept in automatically. It feels like an awesome Cardiologist is aware of his child’s heart co...

I promise that my post is not as classy as the brilliant title. I am through with the Wedding 2, and am about to depart tonight for my current-abode city. You know what happens when you are in a swarm of people...close, not-close, too-close, about-to-get-close, were-close, want-to-be-close, not-close-but-prying-close, moles. Oh, so you have been married how many years now? Six? Okay. And any Baba, Baby? *** Oh, so she is your niece. She is your SIL's daughter. Oh, but are you not the No. 2 DIL? Your SIL is No. 3 no? *** What girl? You are not planning or what? Then came another pearl. The next day of the wedding, my eldest BIL was lamenting that none of the brothers get together now like they once used to. With that thought, he said Oh come on, we must planning something soon, before these two (pointing at the newly-weds) get into the queue(i.e. have a baby on the way)... I was sitting there in the group and it struck that I was not counted in the likely soon-visitors of Babyland. ...

Hubby's stash of Spermon sits on the refrigerator top. He asks for more strips of the same once his set of 4 ends. Well, I have also the pleasure of trashing the empty catch covers, and torn down pieces of foil. Well, it struck me last night that he had not asked for any lately, and that I was being spared the bulky chore of trashing the useless. My mind was in a overdrive, and I suspected that he had shunned the drug as of-no-use and why-should-I . In fact, I was mentally prepared to be told that he won't be having the drug anymore. I waited for an opportune time to ask him about it. The time came and I enquired. Ugh. Just keep a fresh strip before I finish the last. OK? Whhhhoooppppie... he is going to have it. He was not hating the drug. He had not given up. To celebrate, Today Morning, I left TWO fresh strips rather than my usual next-one! Yay! ^WiseGuy^