...in the head.
Birdman is on a train returning back to UsualCity from an office-related thing. The thing is I have morbid thoughts. Ever since I came back home from the hospital, the little-big discovery and everything else that rippled, I keep thinking of him to be alright.
What if something happens to him? I want him to be there. I don't know but I think when I put it in black and white, it appears harsher than it should. I want him to be okay. Lola is gone. What if he goes away too? Crazy thought, right? But it's all there in my mind.
I am relishing the solitude, and whatever bits of it are coming my way right now. I am not working yet, and Birdman comes home usually for dinner and sometimes in between and that gives me alone time - something I have not had for a long long time.
I found myself crying this morning. I had a reflux of some condolence offered to me (would like to talk about it at some other time), and it pinched bloody hard.
Among Birdman's peer group of five brothers/cousins, Birdman would be now the only one minus his kid around him. If you remember my last letter to Kaiser/Lola, two more cousins (of Lola) are on their way and due in the time period of May-July. I pray that the babies are born healthy and strong and that my SILs don't undergo what I just did.
But I am so sorry for Birdman to be undergoing all this. His kid should have been here to welcome the little brother/sister (s) about to arrive in the world. I should have been able to part with some things for the new babies, and not cling on to what is left in association with Lola.
It's funny that I have won the neonatal loss/infertility jackpot from both sides of the family.
I am still an open stream and I flit from thought to thought.
And while I obsessively play Farmville these days, I can't bring myself to phone up or contact my research guide. I don't even know if he knows. I don't have the yen in me to get back to my thesis.
But I will continually go on and hang around FB.
Birdman is on a train returning back to UsualCity from an office-related thing. The thing is I have morbid thoughts. Ever since I came back home from the hospital, the little-big discovery and everything else that rippled, I keep thinking of him to be alright.
What if something happens to him? I want him to be there. I don't know but I think when I put it in black and white, it appears harsher than it should. I want him to be okay. Lola is gone. What if he goes away too? Crazy thought, right? But it's all there in my mind.
I am relishing the solitude, and whatever bits of it are coming my way right now. I am not working yet, and Birdman comes home usually for dinner and sometimes in between and that gives me alone time - something I have not had for a long long time.
I found myself crying this morning. I had a reflux of some condolence offered to me (would like to talk about it at some other time), and it pinched bloody hard.
Among Birdman's peer group of five brothers/cousins, Birdman would be now the only one minus his kid around him. If you remember my last letter to Kaiser/Lola, two more cousins (of Lola) are on their way and due in the time period of May-July. I pray that the babies are born healthy and strong and that my SILs don't undergo what I just did.
But I am so sorry for Birdman to be undergoing all this. His kid should have been here to welcome the little brother/sister (s) about to arrive in the world. I should have been able to part with some things for the new babies, and not cling on to what is left in association with Lola.
It's funny that I have won the neonatal loss/infertility jackpot from both sides of the family.
I am still an open stream and I flit from thought to thought.
And while I obsessively play Farmville these days, I can't bring myself to phone up or contact my research guide. I don't even know if he knows. I don't have the yen in me to get back to my thesis.
But I will continually go on and hang around FB.
One of my close family members died suddenly and young when I was a teenager and since then I've always had an odd, nagging fear about other people I care about leaving me too. I don't mean to sound trite but suppose any unexpected death makes us realise how fragile life is.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're ok and, for better or worse, your thesis will always be there when you feel like going back to it.
After a loss such as you have experienced, fear that you will lose other people is very normal. Please don't beat yourself up for having these thoughts go through your head. Sending you a hug!!!
ReplyDeleteI think your feelings would be a normal part of the grieiving process. Be patient with yourself.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I have that fear, too, and I haven't been through anything close to what you have been through. Sending lots of comfort your way...farmville is a good distraction - do whatever you need to to give your mind and your heart the rest they need. We're all here with you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
I felt exactly the same about Ray too. Even now, when he goes out without me, I worry.
ReplyDeleteYou need some relief from the relentlessness of grief, take it when you can.
As ever, dear S, I wish things were so very different.
xxx
Yours fears are so valid. You have gone through some trauma and that fear of losing someone else is only natural. I am sorry that your life is going to be like this. Always holding you close to my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete(*hugs*) Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, after my miscarriages I freaked out every time my husband left the house. I imagined him getting in accidents, and felt overwhelmed with loneliness. I was so worried that something would happen to him. I kept telling him, "Be careful. You're all that I have." I was so terrified that after everything I've already lost, I'd lose him too. I think it's normal to feel that way, it's not morbid... just a natural response. I still worry every time he leaves the house, I didn't use to worry so much... but now, I can't turn it off.
After our first documented chemical, I had the same terrible fears that something would happen to TH. I clung to him in a way that I never had, which was fearful and needy. I was told it was just my mind dealing with the traumatic loss, and somehow, it helped me to know that it was my love for our lost baby coming out for TH.
ReplyDeleteFB is quite the mindfcuk you seem to need right now. Be where you are with your grief; no expectations, love.
♥
It's so hard to have babies everywhere, and I only say that from the standpoint of an infertile and/or someone who's had three failed adoptions. I know nothing of how you must feel. But please know my heart is with you. <3
ReplyDeleteI think what you're feeling is so very (painfully) normal. Babies everywhere - so hard. Please be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what to say, just know that I'm thinking of you. Hugs and kisses!
ReplyDeleteOh, my dear... You have such a difficult road ahead of you. And you are not the only one who asked herself how come the Earth did not stand still that awful day. I think it would have been appropriate.
ReplyDeleteI so wish there were something I or anyone could do.
Many hugs.
I don't think I would have wanted it after either.........XOXO
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) and much love.
ReplyDeleteI think it's perfectly normal once the bad luck has hit you to worry that it could hit you again.
ReplyDeletejust give yourself time and do what you need to do, even if it's playing farmville for hours and hours on end.
ReplyDeleteI think of you everyday.
ReplyDeleteFarmville? There are worse things. Like a thesis . . . ugh. I don't think I could ever build up enough zen to tackle a project like that. But I know that someday you will - because you are STRONG and DETERMINED and SMART.
That's the hard thing about loving people--hurting for their hurt and not just our own. I know only a tiny piece of this in my hurt for you.
ReplyDelete