My Lady of the Lantern

There are too many things that abound around me. My aunt is here. She lives in a coastal area. I told her last year that I would bring the baby to meet her. I also wanted my kid to have a flavour of the beach. Well, that is not going to happen. My aunt is knitting something. The wool she is using is partly from the lot she had for knitting Kaiser/Lola's sweater. I think of Lola every day. On Monday I went to meet the SuperPed here in City X, and was surrounded by a sea of babies and family in the waiting area. He took me in immediately and I was crying by the time I came out. And the sea still existed. Lola should have been here for a routine visit/vaccination or whatever. Instead, she came summarized in a paper file . It hurts big time. And my ears! In UsualCity I could hear the cry of a baby coming from the adjacent building. And here in City X, there is an infant in the neighbourhood whose cry I hear now and then. It does not affect me in the sense of making me cry, but it seems...

Non-Darn: Met Dr. BS yesterday for a regular appointment. Everything appears normal. Kaiser was in a head-down position. My BP was singing tra-la-la at 120/80 which is pretty good. I was 32w5d by LMP, and Kaiser was 34w3d by the average U/s Gestational Age( I-am-in-love-with-the-doc's-ultrasound-machine ). Kaiser weighed 2032 gms (2 kgs), and that is a good thing too. I got egged for not doing very good on the have-small-meals-frequently thing. We saw a loose cord around the neck y'day in the ultrasound, and I was told that it is not a big deal because it can wind and unwind/slip-off. I told Dr. BS about the fact that I would be going to City X for my delivery. I was feeling a bit guilty in telling her this, but thank God, she took it very nicely. She has offered me all help in case I need any medical aid before I reach City X. I promised her that once I come back, I will bring Kaiser to meet her. Darn: So I had in mind two boy names and one girl name for quite a fixated while...

I am a bozo...I will let you know why very soon...in fact as soon as you hit the last part of this post...for which you are forbidden to skip the middle part and go straight to the last part, because in the middle part I haz not been styupid, and I have been styupid per se, but it is only described in the last part, so you first read what follows here and then go to the last, rather than going straight to the last. (Why do I feel like you are staring in pain at your monitor?) Okay, you haz to read this part first. This part and much of the rest of the post comes from yesterday evening when I went to meet Dr. BS and see Kaiser for good measure. *** BP is down to 120/80. Hurray! *** Kaiser was lying transverse. *** It seems my placenta has moved down. *** In my quest for movement pattern , Kaiser still flummoxes me. If I had written this on Wednesday, I would have said that Kaiser 'sleeps' when I wake up in the morning, coz there is nothing I feel for a good half hour after I am ...

Before anything, I really want to appreciate the lovely and wisdom filled comments you left me on my previous post. They brought me insight and I feel better about having spelt it out. --- Last evening was my fortnightly appointment with Dr. BS. Chronologically, I was 11wk1d yesterday. Kaiser measured 11wk4d!!! I am really exasperated with keeping all the numbers intact really....everything still seems to be very fluid. But I loved my little champ for this. Kaiser was flapping his hands and legs. I was amazed to see the growth spurt...from the tiny being that I saw last, Kaiser now resembled more like an actual baby. And I told myself that this was my uterus that was being visualized. I was watching...my baby! I have planned to keep my calculations as per the chronological details only. My prescription got modified a bit and the drugs I am taking will change from 6th August. One thing, the baby aspirin will continue till my eighth month. My BP measured 140/84...slightly higher than usu...

Dear Baby Kaiser, The ticker tells me that I am 9wk0d today. I would be hopefully seeing Dr. BS tomorrow so that I can see you once again. I think the bump is starting to appear. You know your momma is not flat-tummied anyways, so she can't really make out if it is your presence or just her old bloated belly showing through right now. I tend to sleep lot lesser in the afternoon, but I make sure that I do lie down for about 10-15 minutes after I come back home from the office. Hope you appreciate that. :-) Your Dadi called me the past week to ask me how you were doing...and how well I was coping. Was so glad to tell her, "All is well". I started having almonds from July 7 (Wednesday). I had soaked four on Tuesday night. Your dad cleaned his hands on two. Yep! Anyways, next day onwards, I started soaking more because you know...bleh! With the way my food cravings have shifted gear, I am yet to decide what you really like. Or anything that I want to eat in particular now get...

My next appointment is at 9 weeks....sometime around July 12th. I would like to really see Baby Kaiser, but more importantly again review how much I despise Dr. M. If she is still on her cynic track, I will have to look for alternatives. I like Dr. BS, and I appreciated that she saw no traces of my skirmish with Dr. M when she was communicating with me, and during the ultrasound. That is very professional, I think. TMI Alert: One thing I don't want Kaiser to inherit from me is my intestines....I am constipated. And I can't do one thing about it...I am trying to keep up my water intake and all, but still. I tend to be very sleepy in the mornings...I finish my milk and go back to bed (Yes, I do), and if I am not able to catch those 180 winks, I walk around with a massive hangover, and sleep on my way to work, at work and whatnot. It is okay for now...I can cope because I do not have any early-morning classes yet...they will come up in July...will have to watch out for that. But I...

Kaiser! Yeps, finally did get to see my doc last night. Baby was measuring 6 weeks,1 day...and I am just too glad about it. So here's the rehashing...my life would change every Tuesday Sunday, as I make it from week to week into this pregnancy. Birdman was there. We got a pic of the ultrasound and he asked me about the contents of the picture....he was walked through the uterus, the sac and precious being developing inside. So we have this one perfect baby going super strong...and I pray to meet the little one in February 2011, safe and healthy in my arms. That would be so good really. ---- Rant ahead... Yeah, I told you about Dr. M right? The assistant to Dr. BS? Well everybody has to go through Dr. M, and then only Dr. BS would see the patient. Last night I was very hopeful of getting that ultrasound from Dr. BS, and was not very happy when I was made to sit in front of Dr. M. Two things really snap-cracked me : a) She told me, 'Let's see you .' I froze, because if I...

A tingling sensation coursed my veins when I typed the title of the post...how does it feel to actually say it, to type it, to think it, to be it? Anyways, I have my list of good blood tests coming up. I have taken half day leave for Friday, and a full day off for Saturday, and I will do the needful then. I would be ready with the reports when I get to my next appointment with Dr. BS. I had some heavy invigilation duty imminent on Sunday, and the only way I could duck it would be the Saturday off. I want to duck it. I have done my share of those in the past, and would not want to indulge in it right now. I can probably get excused by revealing, but I don't want to reveal yet. And oh, a colleagueriend(colleague+friend) knows. I told her. I would not feel very bottled up now, and she is 'leak-safe'. My life would turn a page every Tuesday, and I hope hope hope to be all good to read through each of it. -- Birdman came home today morning. I had put in two paper slips, one over...

Having read non-gravid enough on my file, this is huge for me!!! --- I planned to test y'day...but I woke up an hour before I was bound to get up, relieved myself and went back to sleep. When I woke up, I was not wanting to bet my luck on non-optimal contents. So, the testing fell on today...I woke up earlier than usual. I walked over to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator door and took out the lone HPT that now remained there. I went to the bathroom. Let me tell you, when you want to pee, and you have to pee and you have to save up for testing too, it is tough. I managed to do that and stared with neutral emotions on the HPT window. The line started to emerge...it was the line that is doused with whatever, so I have seen it red anyways. I decided to go back to sleep. But wait, the other line was definitely colouring up! Are you nuts, you never colour...you remain virgin white...whoa, there is colour... I was stupid enough to look at the results detail printed on the HPT packet......

Please Please Pretty Please do you remember the post where I told you my mother's plan to meet a bigshot doc in a big-ho city? And I pre-empted the responses I was planning to expect? Well the Grand Union happened today, and the doc pulled out Card #4 in a mutated form. He phoned me up, and told me that he had been through the papers, and he would like to please meet me personally ( I am so shocked not ) and preferably bring along with me the fellow who plans to father the brood ( that will be tough, doctor ). The doctor apparently discovered that nothing major seemed to be wrong and also said something like: "...I want to treat you, not the papers..." ( clapping and lewd noises... ) And it appeared that my mother had managed to tell him how stuckheaded I would be at the idea of me making the pilgrimage to his shrine. I just told him that I would consider it, of course and yes, as of now, I have had a very hard time reconciling with the results of my oh-that-cycle in 2008...

...my mother plans to carry my file/records to another stalwart of her fraternity who is in a big-city. She plans to go see my recuperating aunt and she has fixed the appointment in consonance with the dates of the visit. 'Sure!' I said, 'But do not ask me to accompany you.' I really don't care about that dodo's opinion. Mostly, he will peer on the file and go like this: Yeah, everything appears to be normal. It is indeed surprising that it has not happened already. I think they should continue trying on their own. Statistics for couples with unexplained infertility say that... OR My mother will add the little 'but', and he would recommend that weight-loss is my key to becoming a super-fertile. OR He will express that there is a phenomenal new range of blood-hungry tests, that the patient must immediately undergo. Every prick takes my mother's daughter (aka me) closer to my baby. OR He will give his telephone number and ask my mother to make me call ...

It struck me when I was brushing my teeth today morning ( Yes, I CAN think when I brush ) that the flat I am moving into is in the same building as the first doctor I hunted (Dr. MA) here in G. I wonder how awkward or not awkward my first brush with her is going to be. ^WiseGuy^

Scene 1: Thursday Night Hello? Yes, what is your weight? What? Why? Oh, I was at ABC’s. I was writing down your history. What is your weight? Duh…PQ kgs. Ok! Bye! --Click-- Scene 2: Friday Morning …some topic… …some topic… You were sounding too rude last evening. And hey, BTW, when did you check your weight? I don’t really remember exactly when actually. Then how come you know it is PQ kgs? I don’t. I was approximating. The first scene starred yours truly and Mummy. The second scene starred yours truly and Prince Charming. I feel bad for my mother sometimes. She is cracking her head completely fretting over her daughter’s trouble. But I also not want to feel like being discussed with everybody in her allied community. I know the colleague she had been meeting up was also into IF busting arena, but still. I did not want to sound rude, but the realization hit me spontaneously, and my irritation crept in automatically. It feels like an awesome Cardiologist is aware of his child’s heart co...

A little background info: This girl Xo , is the daughter of very close family friends of my parents, and has also been a student of mine at some previous point of time. She got married into a filthy rich family right out of her graduation. Recently saw her pics on Facebook, and I thought she looked gorgeous....the transformation from an average college going girl to a gracious lady of the house! And I commented the same to my mother - " Xo looked gorgeous". Now the fukdum: Now if I said " Xo looked gorgeous", I meant that Xo looked gorgeous. I did not mean: a. Xo looked gorgeous, but look at me... bwahabwaha ...I am so ugly, bloated, farting blown up. b. Wow, she has got everything...a rich husband, a beautiful home and great clothes and jewellery. c. Her life is so great, and look at me. None of the above thoughts crossed my mind ever. Now the fukdumer: Xo was told by some a$$h0le doctor (counselling skills are a frivolity) in a Big-City, that she will neve...

Anxiety. Today is CD56. Like I told some of you in e-mails, I am actually planning to see a doc tonight. And please throw in an ultrasound too. That's right. An inquisitive wand will tell my sorry tale to the doc. I do not know what to expect. I have never ever been this late. Ever . You can't imagine the range of possibilities that have crossed my mind. Once the idea of meeting the doc (in case AF did not cruise in) got more and more fixated in my brain, much of last night and today's workday was spent running around the theme-bush. Almost three times today, I felt that my periods were at that very point 'arrived'. I just want to meet the doc and get it over with. Or not get it over with. ^WiseGuy^

Trust me, the best part of this post is just the title. A big thanks to everybody who has offered to help or bear through what I talk about here (check yesterday's post). I am still cooking an idea in my mind. I posted about wanting to know more about Retroversion. It is not that I have never searched for it before....but yesterday's was one of the most organized searches I have every done. I am looking at Retroversion and UTI. I am not connecting them as of now, but I would like to start posting on Retroversion a bit more. I am not a medical doctor, so nothing phenomenal can be expected from me. It is just that I catch a line here and a line there and that is how, I am learning about it. So, maybe doing regular posts on my finds will add to a more specific one-place on this topic. Let me get it started in a couple of days, and if I am still steamed about it as much as I am currently, I may continue the series.... ^WiseGuy^

Well, I have been particularly grumbling and cribbing lately. Somehow I can’t get through to DH the way I want to. I get misunderstood so fast that I have started wondering if there is something fantastically wrong with my communication skills. I have quite a temper and I when I flare, the heat can be felt from any distance. Hubby dearest has recently taken upon himself to correct my human flaws and shape me into a perfect housekeeper and wife. I hate that when I am in a sour mood, DH would much rather count further mistakes I made, rather than trying to take away the pall on me. He wants me to ‘see the reality’ . You really want me to see further darkness, when I am already in the pits? One of the recent statements he has started making is – “ Don’t take out your doctor’s anger on me ”. I hate it. It hurts so much, but nothing on my face makes him understand that he is really pinching a raw wound. I am angry. And if I can’t share my feelings unrestrained with him, what kind of compani...

I had the last Duphaston on Friday night. Doctor had told me that I would get my periods within 48 hours of finishing the dosage. Here I am, 72 hours on, still waiting for the holy blood to flow through. I am sure I am not knocked this time, coz I have spent an almost celibate time after my last irrigation! I hate waiting..... I am totally thinking of giving up on all doctors.....what is happening to me? Am I listening to the doctor more than I am listening to my own body? Maybe my body is not ready yet and I am coercing it with my expectations into bleeding. What should I do?

So, I am trying out a new doctor. Last cycle was obviously a fizzler. She has recommended a Serum Prolactin and E2 LH test which I have dutifully applied myself to. Let us see, if the tests are normal. Otherwise, the only aspects that are being faulted in my case are endometriosis and cyst in the right ovary. My IgG and IgM results had been dubious and I have already run through a 6 month medicine regime for the same. I had a Laparoscopy in Jan this year. My cyst was removed but it wasted no time in recurring. Let's see what the next cycles bring.