My Lady of the Lantern

I chanced to cruise my TV sometime in the afternoon when I got stuck on a movie titled Ghost Town . To be fair, the movie was to start in a few minutes, and a loyal ticker told me in no uncertain tones about the impending. Mix my penchant for horror with the opportunity to an unrestricted power over the remote control, and I was done. I expected scary stuff, screams and zombies. Instead the movie revolved around a dentist who had unexpectedly earned the ability to see ghosts, and how he deals with it. No screaming, no running, no hiding at all. I cannot say that I loved the movie. But there was a moment of serendipity. That scene is of the dentist and a dead man's wife talking about their past romances, and the dentist admitting that his previous relationships have been boring. This is what the widow says: We just get the one life, you know. Just one. You can't live someone else's or think it's more important just because it's more dramatic. What happens matters. Ma...

A friend ( as in a really close friend ) recently revealed to me her plans for trying for kid #2. She asked me to get ready for good news soon enough. She got married in 2005 ( almost two years after me ). She had thyroid issues and yet managed to deliver her first in January 2008. She was diagnosed with PCOS after that. I wonder how quickly she would be able to successfully leap over that medical condition as well. It’s like running a 200 metre hurdle sprint, where one injured horse is painfully still making its way to the start line, and the other injured horse has already covered 100 metres and it is but obvious as to which of the horses may win. In these past three days, I have managed to also come to know of a 16 week mark touched by a mildly-non-favourite-ex-colleague of mine. As I process more and more and more pregnancies, it feels like the angel in me is receding. I am also aware of how differently I can treat pregnancies of friends and uh-foes. If I do not reveal my insecurit...

I promise that my post is not as classy as the brilliant title. I am through with the Wedding 2, and am about to depart tonight for my current-abode city. You know what happens when you are in a swarm of people...close, not-close, too-close, about-to-get-close, were-close, want-to-be-close, not-close-but-prying-close, moles. Oh, so you have been married how many years now? Six? Okay. And any Baba, Baby? *** Oh, so she is your niece. She is your SIL's daughter. Oh, but are you not the No. 2 DIL? Your SIL is No. 3 no? *** What girl? You are not planning or what? Then came another pearl. The next day of the wedding, my eldest BIL was lamenting that none of the brothers get together now like they once used to. With that thought, he said Oh come on, we must planning something soon, before these two (pointing at the newly-weds) get into the queue(i.e. have a baby on the way)... I was sitting there in the group and it struck that I was not counted in the likely soon-visitors of Babyland. ...

Saturday was a very busy day for me, being the first day of our annual three day fest. I cam home around 2000 Hrs. and checked my mobile to find two missed calls from my mother. My mother never gives up. An ex-assistant of a very famous Infertility Specialist in a Real-Big-City has recently become her neighbour and my mother had taken my file to her for a peek. As usual nothing burning comes out from the file. But the fragmentation in the embryos seems to be the only clue. The doctor recommended a few tests. My mother asked me to get the tests done. I told my mother in an equanimous voice that there was nothing on this front that I wanted to do in October - November. My mother told me that if I got the tests done at my own end, we would be able to take it from there in December. I began to lose it really. See, my mother does not get the point. I don't want to do anything in October and November! Next, my mother told me that the lady angel had advised her that lifestyle change reall...

On my recent weekend trip, I got to spend time with one of my SILs who I really adore. She and her husband have chosen to remain childless voluntarily, and I know for a fact that she is not an infertile. We met after a long long time...almost 10 years! And we got talking. And even though she did not outright discuss my troubles, we did end up talking about my IF. I do not allow too many people IRL to hold a conversation with me with regards to my efforts to have a baby. Humour and Wisecracks are my usual defence. Well, none of that happened with her. I did not even cry. She did not even ask me how long I had been in the rut. But she permeated the knowledge that I have been in the reins, and she knew it. But she told me that she appreciated how busy I kept myself. That was something I did not counter at all. Because, everybody should keep a part of their illusions about me. I do not keep busy to forget about Infertility, I actually keep busy because I like it that way. Also, every day, ...

This is not likely to be a classic post on Infertility in Media: A Story on Stereotypes . No Sir, since my shallow self is out right now...I better not look for clay in the quicksand that my mind has become.. Day before yesterday, somewhere in the evening, I froze on to a TV Show (a four-times a week soap), which I catch very rarely. Anyways, guess what the lovely story was... Woman preggers by elder bro (her then spouse)...hubby dies and baby dies in an accident...woman now married to younger bro and is preggers again... Husband alive but the baby dies inside the uterus....Next, the drama peaks when the doctors reveal that this woman has lost the ability to conceive/carry to term any pregnancy (becoming pregnant could be fatal for the mother).. Oh hell! No more progeny...the family will die with its current people and nobody will carry the family name forward...hell...doom... death! Guess what the obedient now-p-nownot-p woman does... she hires a woman to tempt her husband like a nymp...

...a game of cat and mouse. You see, today morning, I felt a 'secretion' and checked immediately. Yes Sir, she is surely on my door! I got ready with the required ammunition. Well, ladies and gentlemen(I want to sound polite, if any of them are reading), I checked a couple of minutes ago, and there is nothing more on the pad, than those first few drops. And my ugly, witchy, puerile mind thinks,( incredibly ) maybe, this is just the bleeding a lot of pregger babes speak of. My face has eyes, but my mind has turned blind. Am I sounding crazy? After being 4 years, 6 months, and 3 weeks into the infertility loop, where anybody else could be termed a vet, I plead a charge of infertility induced insanity . Somebody save my soul! ^WiseGuy^

I will tell you what I want to do right now. Go sit on a bench in a park and watch the greenery, observe children playing cricket and dogs relieving themselves. But I can’t have that comfort. It’s night already, so all the children are in, it is too dark to see the green around me and there is no park close to my home, which affords me the comfort of a bench. Sarcastic? Not really. Something is literally hanging in the air. The air around me is pregnant with meaning and thoughts and ideas. Did I use the word pregnant? Yes, without flinching at all. It looks so easy – people sit in parks and stare and then go back home to their lovers and husbands and boyfriends and pets and children and their jobs! Yeah, that’s what we see in the movies. I am thinking of enrolling in a weight loss program. I still do not think I am ‘obese’. I am certainly overweight – disproportionately but that can’t be the only reason for my infertility from hell. Doctors do not find anything else not working for me...

I have been feeling very off-the-hook for the past few days. I am not really grinding myself with the who, why me or how of my infertility. Can I call it subfertility (it feels better and that is how one of my doc files recites my case)? There is something gnawing at me and I am seeking some closure for it. Nancy wrote a beautiful comment for me on a previous post. Though it singed to read it initially, I have to thank her for being resolute and pointing out facts rather than just core-cushioning me. And though I did not write much of a response to her beyond a sheer ~Thank You~, she gave me a lot of food for thought. So here it is: I believe I was pregnant. And that my beta was tested after the levels started falling, hence the BFN. For me any later pregnancy and resulting children will not be 4, 5 or 6. I believe my babies are destined for my womb only. And so those who went away will come back to me again eventually. I am at peace, for now! ^WiseGuy^

I came back from my City X trip today morning itself. I spent the past two days at the above-indicated place. A detailed history of my fertility woes was noted and a new file with a new doc was created. ~~~~~@~~~~~ The centre is run by a husband and wife duo DJ and SJ, and both of them are doctors of repute. In fact DJ knew me as a kid, but we lost regular contact while I was in my Wonder Years. I had a lot of frank discussion with DJ and I posed him the same question, I have been posing a lot of my doctors….why do so many other people who have so many known root causes for infertility, so lucky in procreating (like my past-druggie cousin, and a schoolmate who was a Pan Parag fan). This guy was the only one who had a funny answer to that. He quipped, “ Does every hardworking guy get a promotion ?” Ah, thanks! Pretty soothing, you know! I have to admit, this was the only time I was smiling at the response. ~~~~~@~~~~~ DJ began his sermon with the line – It takes only one sp...

You know, that’s the thing with infertility….it is always on your mind! Was making soup for myself in the afternoon and voluntarily started chanting ‘Ram Ram Ram….’ mentally. That’s when it struck me that it was just a sign of my nervousness. When I was a child, my mother had asked me to repeat the words whenever I was afraid (and it did happen coz I couldn’t stop myself from consuming horror shows and then every dark nook of my house would start looking creepy). I have been on Eudrin this cycle. I always found that in ovulation induced cycles, my periods tend to come earlier than the normal dates and usually within a couple of days of withdrawal of progesterone support. Now, five days are already up and I am not bleeding yet. This is fraying my nerves. I don’t want my periods to come and I don’t know whether they would come or if there is any iota of hope I could stick to. I have been harassing myself all afternoon - imagining a work afternoon informing my colleague that I needed t...