My Lady of the Lantern

It was only after Monday's appointment that I let out a feeling. I would be 9 weeks on Thursday. It is Thursday today. I am 9 weeks. On Monday evening, Season measured 8w5d. Lag bridged and overcome! I am still adrift. The way I was soaked in CheekyBub's pregnancy is still not there. Honestly, there are moments when I am not conscious of the fact that I am pregnant. My belly has popped. I had lost all pregnancy weight, but my tummy was still a bag of fruits, and it has rejoiced in going slam-dunk again. In a few days from now, I will be off-work, but there are few things that need to be done before I leave, and so I am busy with that. Frankly, I am very excited about going on the leave and I pray I would have no reason to join before the time is up unless I want to. My appetite is wonky. But I do eat regularly. I love Java plums. And mangoes. My skin has not turned oily and I am not losing hair like I was in my previous pregnancy. And the cat is still not out of the bag...

She is pregnant. Who is? I am. I suddenly feel a little awkward. I did ICLW and I know from your posts that there is a certain *oh snap* that happens when you start reading my blog. Seriously, how fertile am I? Like 6 years for one, and then just two months for the other? Awesome really, right? I just don't know what to say really. And this post will be all back and forth and nutty too. Some of my immediate family knows. I am not coming out on FB though. Just not mentioning the 'p' word on it at all. One reason for doing it, is that I really don't see the need to ( just like last time, *cringing again* ). The other reason is I want to be able to talk to, comment and receive comments like I do. I have this awesome bloggy/FB pal who disclosed to me like way late (somewhere in March or so) that she had 'hidden' my feeds for the fear of my talking about my pregnancy. I get it, people. I know its a knife in the core. I won't talk about it there. Remaining a...

- I have atleast three posts that are not going beyond draft. One of them is a letter I wrote to CheekyBub before I found out I conceived and I can't seem to find the courage or enough yen to post it. - You know I attended a wedding recently. And at the reception, this lady asks me - 'How may children do you have?'. Mark those words. It is not about whether I have a child or not, it is about the number. I fumbled for a nanosecond before I said - 'Technically, I am a mother. But my daughter died in January'. I clunked at the last sentence I shared. I know what follows after that statement - How? ; well, I did not answer that. - Coming to marking my words, look at *my* choice of words, and the adjectives. - I finally do have something to report on the symptoms front - my perpetual pee-athon! - I also seem to lose all appetite after the food IS on my plate. I like tomatoes - gravy with tomatoes, them as salad and tomato soup. - I cringe to think - just like last...

I spoke to my Director y'day. I am taking a year off. I was in knots about whether he would permit such a thing (the long leave) plus I am not too keen on publically 'revealing' as of now. And I can't just walk to him one Thursday and say - 'Hey Dude, you won't be seeing me for a while, beginning tomorrow'. I definitely can't call him a Dude and get away with it. :-) So, I have set a date in July first week, and I would be off for the whole year (two semesters) from that date. He signed my application and when I told him about not being public with it, he said that I should hold on to the application till couple of days before I leave and then give it to the admin. He knows about when I will go, so he would not be taken by surprise. The thing is, this would be unpaid leave, but I am not too worked up about it. I can claim 90 days pay later when I join back (as promised by my Director). The only thing for which I am feeling a bit guilty is that wh...

I am in a strange land currently. One moment I was neck-deep in mourning a baby's passing, and the next instant I realized that I had been successful in forming another life inside me. What do I hold on to? That's not even the right question. It is just a big ball of neutrality generated by failure to completely swallow my new reality. I am not over the grieving. I am not ready to compromise the safety or health of this new being. This is different. I have to tell myself in-between that I am carrying. I have to remind myself. But I am already doing everything that would be expected of me to do if I was pregnant. It is yet to fully sink in that I am pregnant. Yet, I remain more conscious of the fact that this baby is likely to come in January. But January is my CheekyBub's month. I am fluid and swerving. I am observant but not relishing. I want to be able to breathe in and say I am pregnant - which I am, but I am yet to tell that to myself. There is a certain uneasines...

I can't phrase this any other way - I'm pregnant. And the realization came minus any jumping-with-joy, woohoo excitement. There was an unsettling shudder that went with it. On the night of June 8th, I was rummaging through my dressing drawer, which also well, keeps my HPTs and I looked at a pee stick from an old cycle. On it, were two lines. The second line was faint, but it was there. I looked at it and thought that maybe it was an OPK I was looking at. No, it sure was a HCG detector. The lines on my June 8, 2010 HPT had not faded yet and this one was from a very recent cycle. OMG, was this happening? I POASed a little before my May 25 AF showed up. I overlooked the second line that developed/ I failed to acknowledge the light pink other line that came. I believed I had a BFN. How could I not see? How could I not tell then that light pink was not equal to white and hence not a negative escapes me currently. Did I read the results too fast? I am not really a HPT rookie. But...

Something is up on my end. Am going away to City X for a wedding on the weekend, and I have also requested for an appointment with SuperGyn tomorrow. I would like to say what, only after I have definitive answers. I will be back on Tuesday. Please send me some positive vibes. I need them. There is an element of bizarre in this tale.

...because the date is the same, but today isn't the same. One year ago, today, I found myself starin' at a pee-stick thinking something was wrong with it. You see, it had two lines!!! I had thrown away the wrapper, and I put my hand in the trash to recover it and check for the interpretation again. I was too mad-excited and I did not know who to call at that hour. I took pics and uploaded. I left messages. I went into my balcony and took pictures of the sky. I made cold coffee and sat on my chair in the balcony and sipped fondly for I knew this was the last coffee for a long time to come. It was today last year that I received the BFP. In other news, the report for my bloodwork is out. In the 483 years of my existence and 121 years of battling infertility, I have never had whacky TSH readings. Never, except now. The TSH is marginally lower than the normal. The bright side is my homocysteine is back to its normal range (Thank you B12 supplementation) and my APA screening ...

Well, this is not a post about patch-up. I was in quite a bit of anxiety after I found that my mother had read the mail. I checked if there were any replies to the mail. There were not. On Saturday evening, I went for bloodwork (repeat APA Screening, Homocysteine and TSH) and I needed to tell her that I had done so. But this lump sat inside me, and I was nervous calling her. Finally I did call her in the evening, and she spoke to me normally. I was relieved. You see, both of us, as people, are unable to hide our emotions, especially boiling ones, over the phone or face to face, and the fact that her voice was even was relieving. We spoke again last night. She did not broach the topic of the mail and I did not either, and I realized that she has not taken it badly. I can't say for sure she has forgiven me for writing to her like this, because forgiveness was not what I am asking for or what she seemed to be working at. It's done. She knows. And she did not resist or feed me...

It's about my mom. And me. Us. And how I think I have managed to add more pepper to a fiery curry. You see, my mother nags me and nags me and nags me about Pranayam. I can be talking cord length and she will eventually find a way to tell me how I need to, on a mandatory level, improve my schedule. That I need to do pranayam, and some bleh-bluh exercises. I would be talking some other issue and she will eventually wind down to pranayam and the bucketful of exercises I need to be doing. I will be talking about change in medication or some other thing, and she will eventually head over to pranayam and yeah, you know what. And I have had it. I am not very responsive to nagging. Especially, if it is difficult to keep a tab on me. And with her in a different city, she can't keep a tab on my day. So, when she starts with something like: 'Next time (i.e. next pregnancy), we have to ensure you do your pranayam.' , she rouses this deep sense of despise in me. And I again bec...

Did I ever tell you she weighed 2.5 kgs (5.5 pounds) at birth?