My Lady of the Lantern

I think I missed writing about this, but a few days back I wrote a 'difficult' mail to my mother. I put across eight questions, and most of them were about my IF struggle. I composed the mail, and I let it sit in the drafts for about two days before I actually pressed 'Send Mail'. I did get a reply. And I know that she tried to answer the questions the best she could. I am NOT convinced on some of the answers. But I was also mildly taken aback by her honest admissions on some of the questions. I do not want to make life difficult for people around me. But I am not at peace. I am struggling. I am struggling with myself, in my relationships, and I no longer look at God with the rose-tinted glasses anymore. I do not want things to be heaped on me. Before I figure out whether I would like to do W, I am burdened with the uh-latest X, Y and Z. And I am lost again. Anyways, I am now delving into finding out more about Pranayam. I do exercise. And as miserable as this may soun...

Was browsing through the newspaper today morning and they had an article on the babies born after 12 o'clock on New Year's eve. Wow! I can't really describe to you how there was photo after photo of chuggly-wuggly pink cheeked cuties! (Nine in all) The newspaper reported that the city had registered 205 births on the first two days of 2009! Some statistics that is not anything to me at all. Anyways...I was only observing the faces and what has registered to me now, is that I did not feel upset or angry or lacking. I only saw the pics, relished the radiance flowing from them and that is all. Buddhaesque? I think I must become more disciplined with my Vipassana sittings, which I have lost the inner urge for. My past experiences have taught me to expect breakthroughs only after reaching the ultimate limits of frustration. When I went for IVF last year, I believed that I had reached that limit and so, some positive outcomes would come my way as had happened in the past. But now...