My Lady of the Lantern

I am the sort of person who asks too many questions. Why did you not tell me? I have hounded people around me with that question. Backed with the pseudo moral high-ground I now seem to have, I have asked them this, punctured their ears with my question. Not too many questions followed the answer I got. Love. And medical advice. That they had to hold on to ensure the recovery of the person who remained. I asked the question directly and indirectly, and got the same answers. They made a decision they considered best in the situation. What would I have done? I was asked the question. I would have told. Let the final goodbye be said. Yes, I would have compromised the recovery of the person, but the bereaved would live with a lesser (who can define 'lesser' here, anyways) pain. Because of whatever happened, I will always carry the upset I feel at not having had a chance to hold her close, and say my goodbye. I have even more upsets, the stupid things I did, and the tacks I kept beyo...

It has been 14 days since Lola’s birth. Family had descended on me for a while and I was itching for some silence and a break from all the attention that I was getting. In another time, Lola would have shared the ‘limelight’ and my focus would also have been on her rather than me getting it all. One installment of the family left yesterday and today I find myself reclaiming some of the territory inside my home. Moving around is better, with suggestions and unsolicited help flying lesser at me. I have begun visiting some of my old net haunts. Reminders are everywhere. I opened my ‘official’ e-mail id and it had ‘my pregnancy this week’ newsletters waiting for me. I cannot say for sure that grief sits in my heart. A part of my heart is stone cold. I animal-howled on 22nd and since then have infrequent bouts of crying. The pain/anger courses through my veins, and does not sit plum in one place. When very agitated, I just begin to shiver and that’s that. Nothing that warm blankets can’t c...

...On the night of 19th when my breasts became hard and sore to touch, the nurses brought me hot water bottles rather than my baby. I should have known. ...Birdman was apparently away to Very Big City with our baby. Every SMS update sent to me about her after 16th Jan was fake. I was a donkey eating at his trough. I should have known. ...Visitors who came to see me in the hospital did not look me straight in the eye. I should have known. ...My mother sounded reluctant every time I asked her on a timeline on when my stitches would be cut and I could travel to Very Big City. I should have known. ...I grieved at how many pricks and tubes were affixed to my little baby while she lay cold and unfeeling at the bottom of an earth pit fatigued from all the effort she put into staying alive. I should have known. ...Family dropped clues on how oxygen deprivation could affect the brain. I spelt it out for them. I told them that Lola was my daughter even if she came out r-e-t-a-r-d-e-d from the o...

Lola had a cardiac arrest on Jan 16, 2011 which she did not survive. I was kept in the dark.

Is on ventilator. Doc said she is a fighter. Has PDA plus pulmonary hypertension. She is beautiful.

Lola! Jan 14, 2011 - 1243 hrs. Is in NICU.

Lola! Jan 14, 2011 - 1243 hrs. Is in NICU.

The silence on the blog has been deliberate. An intentional cut-down of the my-time on the internet, so that I could pursue something to finality. Lot of things have happened in between; completely unexpected turn of events and all. I want to blog about them, and surely will when I can put some concerted effort into documenting and weaving my words. I cut the silence to say something important: Kaiser/Lola is likely to be here on January 14th. A C-Section is in the offing. O.M.G.!!!! And I find myself unprepared to the hilt. I planned my shopping for the 'reprieve days' I had in City X, and I won't be making to the City X minus Kaiser, which means I need stuff for the baby and all. OMG! My mother is here, and it has brought in some semblance of sanity with me wanting to have done something completely before Kaiser/Lola came. Now Kaiser is going to be here sooner than I expected. OMG! I had composed a letter to the baby around December 28th/29th and I want to post it here, b...