It has been 14 days since Lola’s birth.
Family had descended on me for a while and I was itching for some silence and a break from all the attention that I was getting. In another time, Lola would have shared the ‘limelight’ and my focus would also have been on her rather than me getting it all.
One installment of the family left yesterday and today I find myself reclaiming some of the territory inside my home. Moving around is better, with suggestions and unsolicited help flying lesser at me.
I have begun visiting some of my old net haunts. Reminders are everywhere. I opened my ‘official’ e-mail id and it had ‘my pregnancy this week’ newsletters waiting for me.
I cannot say for sure that grief sits in my heart. A part of my heart is stone cold.
I animal-howled on 22nd and since then have infrequent bouts of crying. The pain/anger courses through my veins, and does not sit plum in one place. When very agitated, I just begin to shiver and that’s that. Nothing that warm blankets can’t cover.
I am yet to wrap my head around the loss of Lola. At present, I am just asking questions about why the information was held from me. I am shaken with that. The enormity of what I lost still stays alien to me for a while. Or does it?
Just waiting for the hurt to hit home too.
^WiseGuy^
Family had descended on me for a while and I was itching for some silence and a break from all the attention that I was getting. In another time, Lola would have shared the ‘limelight’ and my focus would also have been on her rather than me getting it all.
One installment of the family left yesterday and today I find myself reclaiming some of the territory inside my home. Moving around is better, with suggestions and unsolicited help flying lesser at me.
I have begun visiting some of my old net haunts. Reminders are everywhere. I opened my ‘official’ e-mail id and it had ‘my pregnancy this week’ newsletters waiting for me.
I cannot say for sure that grief sits in my heart. A part of my heart is stone cold.
I animal-howled on 22nd and since then have infrequent bouts of crying. The pain/anger courses through my veins, and does not sit plum in one place. When very agitated, I just begin to shiver and that’s that. Nothing that warm blankets can’t cover.
I am yet to wrap my head around the loss of Lola. At present, I am just asking questions about why the information was held from me. I am shaken with that. The enormity of what I lost still stays alien to me for a while. Or does it?
Just waiting for the hurt to hit home too.
^WiseGuy^
Grief is an interesting emotion...everyone feels and expresses it differently. Whatever way grief affects you, that's the way it should be. It might hit you all of a sudden one day, or it might just be a "lower" level that is constant every day. But eventually it will ease up - the crying will be less frequent, the hurt will diminish bit by bit - but of course the hole in your heart will always be there. That's just the way loss goes.
ReplyDeleteYou're a strong woman who has had so much crap thrown at her in the last 6 years, and you're still here fighting. We're all fighting right along with you, and hopefully someday REALLY soon we won't have anything to fight anymore. *hugs*
My heart is breaking for you right now. I remember my first few weeks home after my son died like it was yesterday. Disbelief, shock, questioning. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and wondering if it had been a dream. Then the reality would hit me again and it was like being told for the first time all over again.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is to let those around you help you. You need support right now, there's no way to do it alone.
My love...
ReplyDeleteI have remained silent (both here and FB)...I know you are grieving in your way (and it will change--the ebb and flow will change from moment to moment, day to day).
Just please know that--more than anything--I want you to get the answers you deserve. I adore you...you and Birdman, as well as your entire family are in my thoughts and prayers.
It took me two months to start grieving my dad (of course totally different but still a form of grief). Apart from very tiny bouts of sadness. It's a protection mechanism and perfectly normal. I'm also so surprised that the information was withheld from you, surely they knew you had to find out?
ReplyDeleteTake care of simple things, make sure you eat and sleep. Thinking of you xxx
Take the numb as it comes. And the sobs. Let your mind and body process this as it needs to. Especially now. My New Normal says it so well - a dream state. That's what this all feels like, at least it did for us. I can only imagine what you are going through right now.
ReplyDeleteWiseGuy, words can't express how sorry I am that Lola is not here with you.
Oh sweet girl... If I could have a wish right now, in this moment, it would be that sweet Lola were with you, in your arms, cuddling you and cooing up at you. If I could take one thing from this world, it would be her death. I am so sorry that I can do neither. That I can only tell you that the coldness is normal and that the grief will come, and that we will all be here to pick up the pieces as they fall.
ReplyDeleteSending love and warmest thoughts, to wrap you from the chill...
I think the waves of grief are a blessing. If we had to live at the height of the pain all the time, it would be impossible to survive it. The numb times aren't moments of less pain. They are times that allow your heart and body time to process and to allow healing to begin, ever so slowly. Try to accept both the waves and the numb times for what they are.
ReplyDeleteSending much love and many prayers...
Oh Wiseguy,
ReplyDeleteAcute howling grief is almost always replaced for a while with distance/coldness/surreal numbness... it is, I think, how we make it through. It comes in waves, and will, and I am sorry beyond any words that you are going through this horrible mindbending loss.
it is beyond imaging.
my heart goes out to you,
kate
My heart goes out to you....sending lots of love.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Lola so much. I'm at a loss for words. Sending love across the continents and oceans.
ReplyDeleteSending you love, and keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Wiseguy :( Grieving hurts however you do it and it is all terribly horribly awfully unfair. All I can do/say/send is love to you from afar.
ReplyDeletex
The grief will come Wiseguy, once the shock wears off, it will come.
ReplyDeleteI'm still in shock at your devastating news!
My sweet friend. What you are feeling, or not feeling, is utterly "normal". It's not fair you should be grieving at all. But there is no rule for how it goes. No timeline. No set way to do it. Cry when you need to. Sleep when you need to. Shake, scream. Anything that helps. And know that the world stood still for you, and that it still grieves with you. You are much loved and we are all here for whatever you need.
ReplyDeleteGrief is a strange animal that approaches each of us differently, lives with each of us differently. I'm so, so, so sorry that this happened.
ReplyDeleteGrief is strange and foreign and I think that expectations of how it will behave are impossible. Don't, DON'T feel that you have to go to those net haunts for a while. I needed a break when things were too scary and bad on my soul.
ReplyDeleteKnow that our thoughts and love walk beside you.
I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry. I'm angry for you...you shouldn't have been kept in the dark.
ReplyDeletePlease know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. My brother lost his baby at 21 weeks. He was numb 6 months after her burial and then one day it hit him. Our minds are powerful and sometimes can be your best friend or worst enemy.
Everything you are feeling is normal. Everything.
ReplyDeleteJust take one moment at a time dear friend. No rules, no expectations and no timeline.
You are always in my thoughts.
xxx
I am here reading, listening, mourning with you, abiding.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are grieving in a healthy way -- alternating parts of feeling and not-feeling. When the emotions stay in motion, you are doing well (big picture-wise)
XOXO
Sending you prayers for peace. These early days are just so BAD (after too be honest). I am so sorry that you have to go through this, it isn't fair. I wish nothing more than for Lola to be here with you. Keep talking, write as much as you need to, don't hold back your feelings.
ReplyDeleteThoughts and so many prayers for you from me.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are still in shock, and honestly I'm not a bit surprised. All you can do is take one moment at a time and deal with it the way that seems best right then. Lots of love coming your way!
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteIt's normal. I was in shock at the start and remember thinking it was strange I didn't feel worse. Whatever you feel is normal. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteI'm stopping by after reading of your tragedy on a friend's blog. I am so very sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThis does all sound normal to me and so much like my own experience I got shivers. You sucked me right back to those early days.
ReplyDelete"I cannot say for sure that grief sits in my heart. A part of my heart is stone cold."
Yep, that was me as well.
I'm just so sorry. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to say it enough.
This is all like a horrible nightmare, and I wish you didn't have to live through it.
With so much love.
xo
You and Lola are never far from my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSupporting you from afar...
XXX
Still holding you in my heart and thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI recently lost my daughter as well (SIDS claimed her at 13 days old), it sucks. There isn't any other way to put it. It hurts and there aren't words for it, from others, or to describe it yourself.
It took a couple of weeks for it to really settle in for me that Lily was gone... and there are times I still wake up thinking it was still a horrible nightmare and expecting to find Lily next to me. :(
I'm so sorry.
http://autoimmunelife.wordpress.com
You and Lola are in my thoughts every day. I hope that loved ones are able to offer some comfort.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you and Lola, so much, and abiding with you.
ReplyDeleteI'm pleased you have a bit more space now. I can understand your need to want a bit of space. Loved ones mean well but that doesnt always translate into doing well.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can also understand why you're hurt from having the news with held from you. I hope that you have been given some comfort or reassurance from those who were trying to protect you that they were doing what they thought was best, but really, there would never be a good time to hear this kind of news. Its truely heartbreaking. You are in my thoughts.
Sending you love all things that heal.
ReplyDeleteI remember those 'pregnancy reminders' too. Nasty. I remember so much of what you write about BJ, and my heart aches for you. Actually, for me too. I especially know the anger, because I still feel it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can only imagine your days right now... hugs xxxx
I wish I could give you a hug. This will have to do:
ReplyDelete((((((((((((hug)))))))))))
I lost my dad to cancer when I was 16. He was lying in the bed, we knew it was time. When he died, I put my hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat. Everyone cried, but me? The pain didn't hit for a year! So I guess we all do grieve differently. Just hold on.
ReplyDeleteI have no words of wisdom or advice...just want you to know that I am here with you as you find your path. Sending love to you as always.
ReplyDeleteI have looked back at some of my most difficult times and you left me the most wise and loving comments. I wish there was something I could say that would give you some of the same peace you have helped me feel in the past.
ReplyDeleteGrief is different for everyone. There is no wrong way to grieve - your grief will be unique to you. Though I wish you weren't grieving at all.
Holding you in my heart and sending you thoughts of peace and strength.
i can't imagine what you are going through but i can imagine the anger i would feel if the information was held from me. i don't understand it. hope you can find some peace with that soon.
ReplyDeleteJust like everyone else said, I wish I had the words to take even the smallest of your pain away.
ReplyDeleteThe coldness will go away and the sweet warmth of Lola will replace it. We all love you SO much and will always be here when you need us.
*HUGS*
Whatever you are feeling is whatever you are supposed to be feeling. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. Sending a big hug your way.
ReplyDeleteI have no words, just know that we all love you and are here for you...
ReplyDeleteit just wasn't supposed to be this way, who would have expected this... it's so unfair and my heart breaks whenever i think of you, and i think of you often. people are well meaning with what they thing is best for you, while it's a choice you may not ever be able to forgive, it is also one you will never be able to change, but i know you will go over it and over it in your head wondering why it had to be that way, which is exactly what i would do. your sweet sweet lola, how can i miss her when i didn't even know her (me, not you, you knew her well, you grew her into a person in your very own belly, oh yes, you knew her well). xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteNo words- just my thoughts and prayers for you. Thinking of you. Grieving with you.
ReplyDeleteOh Wiseguy...there is no right or wrong thing to feel. I'm glad you are getting a chance to reclaim a bit of your house and a bit of the quiet. {{{Hugs}}} and love.
ReplyDelete