Well, I have been particularly grumbling and cribbing lately. Somehow I can’t get through to DH the way I want to. I get misunderstood so fast that I have started wondering if there is something fantastically wrong with my communication skills. I have quite a temper and I when I flare, the heat can be felt from any distance.
Hubby dearest has recently taken upon himself to correct my human flaws and shape me into a perfect housekeeper and wife. I hate that when I am in a sour mood, DH would much rather count further mistakes I made, rather than trying to take away the pall on me. He wants me to ‘see the reality’.
One of the recent statements he has started making is – “Don’t take out your doctor’s anger on me”. I hate it. It hurts so much, but nothing on my face makes him understand that he is really pinching a raw wound.
I am angry. And if I can’t share my feelings unrestrained with him, what kind of companionship am I getting? I am a sourpuss, but I feel cornered. With him raising his hands about not necessarily wanting kids, I feel like I am alone in my pursuit.
I am making him lose his money this year. Yes, that is what I am doing to him 2009. I am the reason, why we won’t save much this year. I might as well put all our cash on the balcony and turn on the blower.
If there has to be open communication, he has to be ready for my tears and ranting, but I don’t think he is ready.
I am not degrading him as a bad partner or something. He can be incredibly sensitive, but on this issue we are running on two different orbits.
^WiseGuy^
Hubby dearest has recently taken upon himself to correct my human flaws and shape me into a perfect housekeeper and wife. I hate that when I am in a sour mood, DH would much rather count further mistakes I made, rather than trying to take away the pall on me. He wants me to ‘see the reality’.
You really want me to see further darkness, when I am already in the pits?
One of the recent statements he has started making is – “Don’t take out your doctor’s anger on me”. I hate it. It hurts so much, but nothing on my face makes him understand that he is really pinching a raw wound.
I am angry. And if I can’t share my feelings unrestrained with him, what kind of companionship am I getting? I am a sourpuss, but I feel cornered. With him raising his hands about not necessarily wanting kids, I feel like I am alone in my pursuit.
I am making him lose his money this year. Yes, that is what I am doing to him 2009. I am the reason, why we won’t save much this year. I might as well put all our cash on the balcony and turn on the blower.
If there has to be open communication, he has to be ready for my tears and ranting, but I don’t think he is ready.
I am not degrading him as a bad partner or something. He can be incredibly sensitive, but on this issue we are running on two different orbits.
^WiseGuy^
That is so frustrating. I have seen many couples where one partner (almost always the woman) wants a child more than the other, but because it is so different from my own situation, I can't even imagine what it's like.
ReplyDeleteIronic that he is trying to shape you into a perfect wife when he is being such an imperfect husband.
I have a devil's advocate question on this topic that I want to ask you, but today is not the day. Let me know when you're ready.
Until then, I hope that he starts hearing what you're trying to express to him.
It won't last. Tell him your anger won't last but while it's there you need to express it and be, if not understood than at least listened to
ReplyDeleteAs for trying to shape you in to the perfect wife... I think I'd try giving him a taste of his own medicine!
And if none of that is meaningful for you then just have a ((hug)) and a hope that it gets better soon.
xxx
I've also been through this, infertility has lots of bumps in the road. I also think that men approach it differently to us. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteCommunication can be such a big issue when you're dealing with exceptional circumstances. It the whole perspective and priorties being different situation that dh and I found ourselves in after our second loss. The arguments. The anger. It can all be enough to break a wonderfully stable couple.
ReplyDeleteYou should be able to feel how you need to feel without worrying about the backlash. However, what I found out from my dh was that he just needed to know this, either before or just after, so that he didn't think that I was really angry with him, just angry in general.
I know you guys will work things out. HUGS.
If it's worth anything to know this, I think many of us land here at some point in this awful process. The more I talk to people about this the more I realize that many dh's (including my own) so badly want things to be "OK and normal" that they have a hard time when confronted with the reality that things are not. My own DH, the best man I have ever known, and who feels the loss of our child deeply, told me recently that he feels blindsided when everything appears to be going along as usual and then we get hit with a reminder that things are so, so not usual. In my mind, this is not news, because that's how it is in my head all the time. So we, too, sometimes run on different orbits.
ReplyDeleteBest strategy for us so far has been for me to basically let him know when I need to talk about what I'm feeling instead of just launching into it. He's much better able to hear me when he knows it's coming.
Dani819, I went to your blog profile, but your blog is not listed on it. Hence, I guess I must leave my response here only. Thanks for your kind words and I fully agree to what you are saying. I am also working towards prepping him to be ready for my rants, because I cannot keep them in, and I cannot reveal it to just about anybody in general, so overall there has to be clarity in things 'between' us.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that. I often find myself talking to my husband and feeling as though I'm speaking a different language, or yelling at a chair. They just don't think the same way. Sometimes I'm able to get him to listen if I explain that I'm angry because I'm hurt and I need him to listen. Sometimes that doesn't work though. I know it's hard for me to listen to him when he's angry too though...
ReplyDeleteThe comment about the money and the blower would really hurt though. My husband wants kids but he definitely has had a different level of commitment and different times. I have never taken anything harder - not anything - and I think it pulled a lot of the hoping out from under me. I know it's terribly hard to bear and I don't know anything that will make it better.