He came to meet me that morning. I was just sitting on the new bed, adjusting to the new room, absorbing the new environs.
His eyes were red.
There was some commotion outside just before he entered. I was in no position to walk to the door and come back, and I remained sitting.
Two people came into my room, and one was him. His eyes revealed fatigue and lack of sleep.
They told me that they were taking her away to VeryBigCity. In fact, the ambulance had already arrived and they were leaving immediately. That she would have the best care and nothing lesser than that.
They began to leave. I asked for him to stay back. I should have noticed the ripple of tension that passed when I made that request, but didn't.
I asked him to hug me. He came close and threw an arm around me. I was still sitting, I suppose.
I looked at him and I asked him to bring me my daughter back.
'Promise me you will bring our daughter back.'
And he?
He promised. He promised to bring her back.
He promised something he could not have fulfilled in any way. He promised me and fed me an illusion of a struggle that was no longer happening. He promised me the cry of a baby who had become far too silent.
I don't take promises from him anymore. And I don't make him promise anything.
Image Courtesy - http://www.wikigallery.org/wiki/painting_296967/Bertalan-Por/Japanese-Picture-023 (Japanese Picture 023 by Bertalan Pór); Image not used for commercial purpose and no copyright claimed by the blog author.
I am not judging, but I still don't understand why this terrible secret was kept from you. I can see why it would make it difficult to trust promises though.
ReplyDeleteSending a hug from far away.
I have never been through such a life shattering event, but I have heard about the things people do for and in the name of love. Just because one means well, it does not mean that one does good. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, I do believe he did that because he loved you. I also believe he was not himself at the time. I am not trying to find excuses, I just feel my heart breaking thinking about you and him, orphaned parents embarking on the saddest journey there could be. Who can say who was better off at the time, you for not knowing, or your husband for knowing all too well?
You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
I hope Season is well.
Many hugs.
Ugh, wow. Trust is such a hard thing to regain... and a broken promise like that one so hurtful. Sadly, I'm sure he was feeling lost and alone too and trying to protect you. Best wishes working through those feelings...
ReplyDeleteSo much more than just a promise broken.
ReplyDelete(*hugs*) As always thinking of you.
My heart breaks for you both. I don't think I could bear to ask for another promise, either. Maybe one day, but this was really not that long ago, even though it was also a lifetime ago. Does he express attachment & happiness towards Season?
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to grasp the enormity of this, but you know that better than anyone else. I hope you can find a way through together. Thinking of you always.
ReplyDeleteCan I just *ditto* what Kmina said? She sounds very wise and said what I would've said, if I was as wise as her.
ReplyDeleteSuch a gut wrenching moment for both of you...my heart just aches. All my love to you. And many, many hugs.
ReplyDeleteI don't think after something like that I could ask for a promise again. I wouldn't want to put him in that position again, and I imagine it was a tough one. Maybe he thought things would be different, or hoped they would be different, or maybe he didn't have the heart to say he couldn't promise that but he'd try. I don't think any of the scenarios that could have played out differently would have been any easier for either of you unless of course, she had been well. It is a tragic situation, and people just don't know what to do when things are hitting the fan. How is he adjusting to Season? Is he trying to bond at all, or is he distant? Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you both had to go through this. There's no way you can go back in time and change things, so you can only move on from here. I know that you have a better idea of his motivations, and I hope that you will be able to trust him fully again.
ReplyDeleteThe loss of your daughter is hard enough on its own.
ReplyDeleteBut the loss of trust in what you thought was foundational -- that must be equally difficult.
I know his heart was in the right place and that he was grieving, too...
XO
No words, just hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, lots of love and {{{hugs}}} coming your way.
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine....
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I too have such a hard time understanding the motivation of all this. I know that I occasionally witness it in my day to day work. Someone telling the nurse not to tell _____ about a death of someone else or the nature of that persons illness and I know that I often have a very hard time honoring those requests. Even more so I think now when I see the pain and damage it has left in your life. I can't imagine how it would be to not be told. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteYou have lost so much in this past year. So much more than Cheeky Bub. More than most people will lose in a lifetime or even begin to understand losing.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was more I could do than send you hugs and prayers from across the ocean. But know I am doing just that.
I cannot fathom what those moments were like for either of you.
ReplyDeletePraying for healing to come.