Someone at the workplace said something to me yesterday which bugged me every time I recalled it. If you know me any better, you would know that I recalled it often.
It was not what she said. It was what I think she meant.
I don't know how many years of my lifetime I have expended on first assessing and then trying to separate what was said and what I perceive what was said, and here I was - bugged again.
Feeling hurt is the first thing that happens to me. My spontaneity then becomes my next enemy. I cannot hide my hurt. I cannot hide my happiness. It will take me (sometimes when I am lucky), just a minute to be composed again. Otherwise, the simmering brew of replaying episodes, and re-living the incident will stay with me for on and on.
I was thinking of this today morning too when I chanced upon this quote in the newspaper, which seemed very opportune. I smiled, and my answer was before me. I need to teach myself to overlook. Somethings deserve to be forgotten. I haven't been able to thick-skin myself, but I can teach myself to let go of an awesome memory, right?
Yesterday night I pulled Figlia out from the bath but not before she had soaked me completely. Then there was terrible crying because she wanted 'Papa' but Papa had waved in a "Hello" to her, and then had gone back to check something in the car.
All I was trying to do was to dress her. All I wanted to do was to ignore the clingy wet fabric on my body. So, I dressed the crying baby and went out to hand the kid to him.
Our random chit-chat turned into me answering back to everything he said. And then he burst. He called me negative.
I am not negative. I do not want to be negative. Negative is not me. He calls me anything. I am not negative.
And the other thing I realized was that I was bickering with him for my own anxiety. If I could have changed my clothes, I would have been saner. If Figlia wasn't cranky for her dad, after a whole evening I spent 'servicing' her needs, I would not be so dissatisfied with myself.
What I am upset about, and what I think I am upset about are also apparently different. Is it crazy to untangle yourself and realize that you are just a kitty with a ball of wool? Another chance and you will be at it again?
You are not a negative person, but you were snappy and answering back and in that moment you were a tad negative, perhaps. What you are in a moment does not define in you as a person, in general. If I were you, I would talk to him and see what he meant. I learned the hard way not to assume, because you know about ass, u, me... :-) That does not mean I am not still doing that, I do, and most of the times, what I imagine in my head has little connection with reality.
ReplyDeleteEh, my husband calls me negative all the time. He's the negative one, and he's just projecting. Whatever - I just ignore him. If I'm snappish, and he's egging me on or just being oblivious as to why I might be cranky, well, he deserves what he gets! :)
ReplyDeleteBut yes, I am often upset about something and take it out on other people for minor infractions.
Sounds like it was just a rough night and you had a perfectly normal reaction. Sometimes we need to take a deep breath, sure, but we're only human. I'm guilty of this often myself... I am not the best at stepping back and acknowledging why I'm really bothered. I'd rather just be bothered, I guess? I don't know. Just saying you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're negative either.
As for the first part of the post, you sound a lot like me. I have a hard time processing and will stew over intent and meaning until the cows come home. I react before processing sometimes though, because I take things so personally.
Goodness me! I do the same exact thing. I recall an event over and over and over. I drive myself batty about it. I too need to learn to just let it be and move along.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we are upset about something else entirely and take it out on the ones me are closest with. Hoping today is a better day!
I too tend to hugely over analyze everything and replay and become more bothered. Sometimes it's hard but I'm trying to work at just letting go of the anxiety. I also will frequently be fine and then have something minor send me into major meltdown mode. It's so frustrating when I can't control the tears over something that to most looks like no big deal.
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