Went through the latest Barren Advice column on SQ recently. The lady’s issue was the jealousy she experienced when she heard of a fellow infertile finally striking lucky. Mel’s advice was great, and I am not about to counter it….but I absorbed the question and inspected it from my own angle.
Recently, two fellow IF bloggers revealed their positive HPTs. My first spontaneous reaction was jubilation. I was really happy for them, and I do frown on every worry that they reveal. So have I become the high-morals, priestess of good virtues in the IF land? No way!
One of my later responses to their posts on their new status, is the constant urge to have the opportunity of posting the same kind of subject as they do. Is that a mark of jealousy? I would have to again deny that. But it kinds of raises the aspiration level I have from myself.
I have had moments I am not too proud of. At a point of time in 2007, in-laws were visiting us. They had first visited my BIL (in a different city), and then stopped over at our place for a few days. The first night, while the dinner was underway, some discussion was going on which I was not giving much ear to. In the middle of whatever, my FIL told me –
I did not register that sentence. In a moment it struck, my SIL was expecting. I got married in 2003 and started the TTC dance in 2004. My SIL got married in 2005 and started TTC in 2007. I remember my face. I could not see it, but its heat was palpable. I had a hard time keeping a straight face and putting the food down in the rest of the dinner. The memory is hazy then, and then, in the privacy of my bedroom, when I was out of everybody else’s earshot, I phoned up my mother. Keeping a low voice and tempering it with the force of my emotions, my first line to her was –
Can you imagine what happened next? My mother mistakenly heard that I told her that I was pregnant. My mother started to cry, and when I corrected her, both of us had the tears rolling down our cheeks.
That night my first emotion was jealousy. It was as if the last bastion of reserve was breached and I was totally relegated to the wilted branch of the family tree.
I got over it. I phoned up my SIL to congratulate her and I am so glad that my niece came along. She is such a sweetheart. Once when she was visiting us, we went to this noisy restaurant and she had an entire conversation with a group of college students in her own sweet baby language. BTW, my niece will be an year old in end-March 2009.
Much later (count several months in between), my DH did tell that he had noticed the change in me that fateful dinner, that he almost saw the wetness in my eyes.
Bottomline is that jealousy is not out of my emotional dictionary yet, but I strangely have gotten over it especially with regards to infertility.
When I saw the bellies at the IVF centre in November, it gave me hope…a dream to live for. I knew that the smiles that I was seeing there, must have come with a lot of heartache and expenses paid and I felt strangely glad that they were around me. I thought, that they were my lucky charm. Who knew?
With all that behind me, my responses were strongly tested recently and I have come out unscathed. If I ever become pregnant, I want to not be the aim of jealousy…just a lot of sweet, sticky wishes and calm.
The only feeling I don’t get over, is the mother in me, screaming to get out.
When? If?
^WiseGuy^
Recently, two fellow IF bloggers revealed their positive HPTs. My first spontaneous reaction was jubilation. I was really happy for them, and I do frown on every worry that they reveal. So have I become the high-morals, priestess of good virtues in the IF land? No way!
One of my later responses to their posts on their new status, is the constant urge to have the opportunity of posting the same kind of subject as they do. Is that a mark of jealousy? I would have to again deny that. But it kinds of raises the aspiration level I have from myself.
I have had moments I am not too proud of. At a point of time in 2007, in-laws were visiting us. They had first visited my BIL (in a different city), and then stopped over at our place for a few days. The first night, while the dinner was underway, some discussion was going on which I was not giving much ear to. In the middle of whatever, my FIL told me –
“Hey, do you know that you are going to be an aunt soon?”
I did not register that sentence. In a moment it struck, my SIL was expecting. I got married in 2003 and started the TTC dance in 2004. My SIL got married in 2005 and started TTC in 2007. I remember my face. I could not see it, but its heat was palpable. I had a hard time keeping a straight face and putting the food down in the rest of the dinner. The memory is hazy then, and then, in the privacy of my bedroom, when I was out of everybody else’s earshot, I phoned up my mother. Keeping a low voice and tempering it with the force of my emotions, my first line to her was –
‘Mumma, S is pregnant!’
Can you imagine what happened next? My mother mistakenly heard that I told her that I was pregnant. My mother started to cry, and when I corrected her, both of us had the tears rolling down our cheeks.
That night my first emotion was jealousy. It was as if the last bastion of reserve was breached and I was totally relegated to the wilted branch of the family tree.
I got over it. I phoned up my SIL to congratulate her and I am so glad that my niece came along. She is such a sweetheart. Once when she was visiting us, we went to this noisy restaurant and she had an entire conversation with a group of college students in her own sweet baby language. BTW, my niece will be an year old in end-March 2009.
Much later (count several months in between), my DH did tell that he had noticed the change in me that fateful dinner, that he almost saw the wetness in my eyes.
Bottomline is that jealousy is not out of my emotional dictionary yet, but I strangely have gotten over it especially with regards to infertility.
When I saw the bellies at the IVF centre in November, it gave me hope…a dream to live for. I knew that the smiles that I was seeing there, must have come with a lot of heartache and expenses paid and I felt strangely glad that they were around me. I thought, that they were my lucky charm. Who knew?
With all that behind me, my responses were strongly tested recently and I have come out unscathed. If I ever become pregnant, I want to not be the aim of jealousy…just a lot of sweet, sticky wishes and calm.
The only feeling I don’t get over, is the mother in me, screaming to get out.
When? If?
^WiseGuy^
beautiful post. and you are more evolved than I am. I'm still having trouble with other people's success. Not other infertiles, but you know, those regular folks who have sex and get pregnant.
ReplyDeletewhat you went through that dinner sounds awful. it sounds like you handled it with enormous grace and dignity, even though it was handled pretty insensitively by your FIL.
Mo
Beautifully written. Soon soon soon, I hope soon for you (and me).
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything wrong with the huge mix of feelings you're going to get when you hear of someone getting pregnant. Infertile, babylost or neither. Even the jealousy. It's all normal.
I find myself feeling all these things when I hear of someone in this community getting that positive test.
I'm glad your husband noticed the change...
xxx
Great post.
ReplyDeleteThanks
S X
This is such a great post. I love the end--the other side, which is what we wish for ourselves, not just what we say about others. I love how you're thinking of that, what you want to receive when you reach that spot.
ReplyDeleteA thoughtful post as always. I've been mulling over that edition of Barren Advice for days as well. I made my case I think but it still irked me.
ReplyDeleteI've been there, watching others get pregnant. It was always difficult, especially when I was miscarrying. But to be on the other side now is hard too. I realized reading that column, how lonely this next phase of my journey could really be if weren't for people like you sticking around.
I'll never hold jealousy against anyone. How can I when I've been there too. Thanks for sticking around. I appreciate your voice and your comments. :)
I hope I can reach this point again sometime. I didn't used to be jealous, but now I am insanely envious of pregnant women, whether or not they did the IVF dance. :(
ReplyDeleteGreat line: "The only feeling I don’t get over, is the mother in me, screaming to get out."