2008: An IF Journey

As I end this year and stand at the entry of a brand new milestone in TTC battle, I think it is necessary to recap what this year brought for me. I began this year with cipher. And though there is no baby in my arms, I am not ending this year with a cipher.

This year has been eventful. My lap and D&C happened this year. For a long time, I had a hard time convincing my own mother (also a doc) that ‘we’ may have a fertility problem. She was one of the last persons to realize this.

I used to have super periods. I was lucky to be having them regularly and predictably. This year, my periods were regular but unpredictable in terms of actual dates. Most of them had me in pain. There was heavy bleeding and in some cycles, prolonged bleeding.

I had just come out of Anti-Koch’s this year (six-month medicine course ending in Jan 2008). Overall, I will say that my general sense of well-being has been shaky for the past 18 months. When I started anti-Koch’s, I had an almost arthritic pain in my knee-joints and I walked like a 60 year old. This year, the fertility medicines made me a moody, irritable, bite-you-all demon.

I have survived all that. Yes, I did! And even though I am a bit upset about adding another year in my age, I am not unhappy about the outcomes of this year. One of my reasons to be off any kind of medication till March 2009 remains the desire to be normal again. Once upon a time, I really was not thinking about ovulation and cycle days. That was a good time.

I gained weight this year – weight which I am finding difficult to lose. I was always a chocoholic – this year I went on an overdrive.

My mother now understands that there is a definite problem. She believes that my case has taught her empathy in dealing with her own patients. She now has a more firsthand experience of the emotional elements involved in this kind of treatment.

This year, I have become clearer on DH’s stand on kids. My DH is of the opinion – good if we have them, alright if not. [That kind of takes off the steam from my head].

I had a clearer perspective on what my in-laws wanted and what correct or wrong reasons did they not want or want our kids for. After my SIL conceived, dear MIL told my DH that now that the other son was having kids, we did not necessarily need to have kids (!!!). Another time, she told us that are lot of couples who go without kids and so it is alright to not have them.

It may seem like a very unkind remark to make. After all, do we need to have kids only to appease the preceding generation? But I discount that statement of hers. For one, she thought that opining like this would make us more relaxed (I have to remark here that it really antagonized me). Secondly, she had some proof of which family branch is likely to bear fruits, so what the heck, the other branches may as well bend and give space to the healthy ones! She forced me to think whether I really wanted kids because everyone was having them or was there some deeper calling to do it. I know my answer. I want to have kids, for reasons more obvious than the biological ones. I was upset that my MIL did not for one moment consider whether DH and me would be wanting kids for our own sake. But I have not gone beyond that point. I will keep on trying, no matter what.

Now the few numbers I keep on crunching include calculating the age difference between my child(ren) and SIL’s daughter. Sad? I also keep on computing my age 20 years hence to the birth of my child(ren).

This year I have learnt more about my body and its delicate mechanisms.

I have also started to appreciate the fact that I am getting a lot of time-out with DH and it is something that I may get again only when we are in the empty-nest stage. (God, fill my nest real fast). DH’s attitude towards me has also changed and I think he understands me better now. In terms of my general demeanor, a lot of people mistake my casualness to either being careless or carefree. Actually, I have trouble revealing the magnitude of anxiety I have. Now my DH can catch the signals, even though his antenna is still loose!

This year I began blogging about my IF woes. Blogging was not an unfamiliar phenomenon for me but I jumped on the bandwagon only last year and my IF blog took shape this year. One of the most crucial things that has happened is the discovery of a community that is sailing in the same boat. I am not always looking for support but seeing that thriving community was reassuring. In the real world, no one really pours their heart out over their IF woes. People normally only talk to me about when do I plan to have children or how to time sex to have boys/ children etc. and so on. In the blogosphere, the biggest support I received is the acknowledgement that this problem exists and there need not be just closet discussions on this issue.

I read through blogs of women who have had much more heartache and health problems than me, women who are not only battling IF but also getting out of sour relationships, women who have been on both the sides of the fence! It puts my plight into perspective and stops me from being overwhelmed and over-involved with just my problems.


See, that’s why I think that I am not ending 2008 with a cipher!


^WiseGuy^



P.S. Can I coax Mel into letting me re-submit my Crème de La Crème entry?