Here’s Looking At You, 2009!

I can’t believe that I am at the brink of saying goodbye to this year. I think it has passed at incredible speed. 2008 did not end well for me. As I end 2009, I am not at a better status baby-wise, but I am emotionally at a firmer ground.

In 2008 end I was still reeling under the aftermath of the IVFw/ICSI cycle, and I believe that for quite a large part of 2009, I struggled with it – trying to understand, ignore, find closure, turn angry or just submit to it.

I can hardly remember crystal like what transpired in January, it is all hazy to me. I had planned for another IVF (as recommended by the doc) in March, but somehow I was not mentally prepared to do it. I put the date at August, and had the dictum from my research guide not come in, the cycle would have gone through. I was mentally and emotionally ready.

In September, I let go of a chance to do IVF in the city where I currently live. The place where I reside has reasonable medical facilities but is sub-optimal for IF treatments. Going upto the level of IUIs is okay here, and for that too I finally know the right doctor(s), but believe me, I had kissed too many toads in this city to finally find out the truth.

Anyways, my local doc was starting her IVF practice, and she thought I was a good ‘candidate’, but I refused to be a guinea pig, a first-trial dry run monkey.

I am a little sentimental, a little flinching-mode at my 32nd birthday today. Wasn’t this the age I would have had/started planning #2? Yes, that’s what my rational being was at 26. I am still doing the hop dance for #1. It is not a terrible tragedy. But I feel enormously bewildered at ‘God’s Plan’.

If I get an explicit message that says that I won’t ever have kids even that would mean that I could finally move on, but I keep getting signs that there is still hope for me. That is the awful part.

July and August were horrible for me in the sense that AF escaped me, and came back only after a lot of begging and some 10 days of Progesterone. It scared me like hell because my body had never acted up on me like that. And then when AF came, it did not leave till I had a medicine to make it stop, and I developed some kind of skin allergy that was painful and very embarrassing for me. I did one round of Clomid in that induced-AF cycle and it was a BFN.

August-end was also the time that I was put on Metformin and ASA, and I am still on those till date. July was a little cruel because I puked right through my ‘2ww’ and it was all for nothing. No infection was found, and no pregnancy was there.

Another special mention cycle for me was the April-May one. I was late by about seven days, had one HPT burning on one-line and mid cycle spotting. To think of it, I do not recall any mid-cycle bleeding episodes till date.

This year sharpened my senses about my body in few regards, and bore several gifts…

…a recurrent cyst in my right ovary, had not recurred after being aspirated prior to stimulation in the IVF cycle.

…my uterus’s fixed retroversion status changed to better.

…I got more in tune with my CM changes.


So here’s looking at you 2009. Even though I would have loved to chronicle the antics of a four month old at this point of time, I know that you were an year of recovery from a continuous downward spiral of faith with regards to my capacity to bear children.

I feel hopeful, little less confused, and more empowered. I have always felt that the best winners are not the ones who do well on a fluke, but those who have seen the other sad side of the finish line and can hence stand taller when they cross over.




^WiseGuy^